I'm still alive!

Yes I am still kicking! And I remembered I have a blog, but life has been so crazy, and to be totally honest, I have been a bit depressed and sluggish about EVERYTHING of late.

My ex and his wife have been treating me like crap. I am not sure people get much more ingnorant than they are. I refuse to go to the house any longer to pick up the kids. So we arranged a neutral meeting point which is slightly better...but it's just impossible to work with them. I can't even discuss my son's school work without being made fun of.

All the psychologicals are completed and in our hands. Court date is set for November 1st (just a few days shy of a year from the beginning of this thing). The recommendation from this doctor who evaluated us was that the boys reside with mother! I was happy for that, but the content of the evaluation was sad. Very sad.

His opinion for Derek was that he is very low academically and has social/behaviorial problems. Possibly ADHD. The psychologist found it 'astonishing' that the boys academic performance is so very low when their father so intelligent and has tutored and nurtured them (I sensed a bit of sarcasm here). Derek prefers his dad, but says he wouldn't mind living with me.
(I have been screaming about Derek's school issues since Kindergarten...!)

Dalton is resentful of his dad. He prefers Mommy. He views his dad with trepidation. Both boys referenced their dad's temper.

The ex...passive/aggressive, withdrawn, rationalizing...underachieving. Nothing I didn't know already.

Me...a bit more depressed than maybe I realize. Altruistic. Not quite as smart as the ex...IQ wise.

And thats it in a very small nutshell. Still waiting....

I'm looking forward to this weekend with my boys. We're going to do some fun Fall/Halloween stuff! And I'm getting more than a little excited for Christmas this year. Finally, one that won't be a hardship financially!! I am getting childsupport, alimony and my $20,000 settlement this week. Not to mention still working my day job and sometimes nights at the Steakhouse. 4 years later...and I'm on my feet!

More updates soon. Well wishes to you all!

This empty house...

The rules...I pick the kids up after work, and find a note on the door and wait at my ex-husband's residence. He shows here to get them over an hour early. Instead of the hour of sitting with my sons, spending the last few moments of quality time I can fit in, he's sitting in the driveway, kids are ready to get to the beach and I'm left feeling cheated in a house that has gone from crazy to quite way too quickly.

I miss them.

Custody

It's a very pleasant and very chilly morning. We had an unbearably hot spell, but even during the worst of it, the nights cooled enough to put a fan in the window and cool our rooms down a bit. Lately it has been cold enough to feel the onset of fall. I'm not dreading fall at all, but lamenting the end of summer a bit for the end of free days like yesturday, where the kids and I wore ourselves out with recreational activities.

This is what is happening in my world at the moment. I took the boys to their makeup appointment for the psychological evaluation. It was tough. We had to drive over 2 hours first thing in the morning to get there. They were antsy, especially after the testing started which took exactly 4 hours. At one point the psychologist, who was a very sweet and kind older gentleman, came out, looked at me and said quietly and discreetly "I hear youre a saint" while pointing to the boys. I had packed a multitude of activities to keep them busy. I smiled and thought, I'm just a mom who knows my kids. But now, the psychologist and his assistants were uncomfortable with the situation, they were asked to make a reccommendation without having seen us, the parents, since it was a different office that did mine and D's evals. So, they got an order to have us meet with them before making that call. So here I go again....The costs of this whole custody dispute are piling up. But I'll do whatever needs to be done and it will be over soon.

Derek has been plopped in the middle again. D is angry about his vacation. The custody situation for summer has been the same for almost three years now. He had a chance to ask for a revision from the judge on the 28th and did not. I would not accomodate it myself, as I had done previously. Derek, after Daddy asked him too, began to hound me about his vacation with his dad. Again, another situation where he scheduled a vacation that did not entirely include his two sons, then blames me. It involved two messages from Derek, then a horrible scene when I picked him up. Complete with some angry comments from his new wife. I wanted so much to tell her to butt out, your turn is coming...but I didn't. And so it goes. Hopefully the end of this will come on September 13.

I'm off. I have to pick up my client, take her to an appointment, pick up Derek from the sitter, take him to the doctor, take the client to her golf thing, wait for D to pick up kids, take client home and go to work at the Steakhouse. Its gonna be a rough day.

A Post, Finally...

I have been oh so busy this summer. I have been working 6 days every other week at the Steakhouse and three a week for Concern. I'm sucking up as much free time as possible with the boys on my every other week I have with them and filling it with summer stuff. It's gone sooo fast. My weeks with them are going fast. They leave for their dad's tomorrow and as usual I'm feeling the blues creeping up.

I'm maintaining limited hours during the school year with Concern and taking on a third job, sort of. I'm leaving 2 days a week free for substitute teaching. I'm not sure how well it will work out, and am concerned about making enough, but if I don't get my foot in somewhere I'll be stuck in this cycle of applying with no experience for teaching positions. And although I'm officially off the schedule at the restaurant, I'm finding there are more than enough nights I can fill in. It's been a profitable option, the last weekend I worked I made 180 in one 4 hour night.

Still dragging the custody thing out. Settled our financial situation, even with a prenup and after three years, I finally got the title to the wrecked car..lol. I think that I'm probably not going to get the 1800 for the insurance settlement since it has been two years since the accident. I also got 20, 000 cash and a modest alimony for two years, in addition to the child support I receive. At least its something. There's a ton of issues with the custody thing and will not be settled for another month. That will be a post for another day.

Still having strange dreams on occasion and I believe its stress related. Mostly mother dreams, in one I'm holding a calf as if it were my child before realizing that it can walk on its own at birth. Weird. I'm so tired...and I have a really, really long day tomorrow. I miss my blogging friends! I'll post again, when I have a free 10 minutes or so....

Disturbed

Its three-thirty am and I had a very bad dream. Not one of those that just bother you all day, one that I woke up scared from, feeling like I should check closets and lock windows.

I don't know where it came from. It was very odd. I was at a dinner with a bunch of people for some occasion I don't know or remember, but it was in a dungeon. Everything was very elegant except the damp, moldy, dark walls. It was a creepy place, but I wasnt bothered by it. I spilled wine in front of a dining asian girl. (I had the feeling that this was my old professors daughter...I talked with Dr. ben the other day..) I don't remember leaving this place but then the rest of the dream had to do with driving around.

I remember being in another dark room, but it wasn't damp like the other, more dusty, dark and old. I was with a friend. I was tied up, and there were two-two headed dogs that were intimidating but not vicious, rotweilers. There was some odd beast lapping up blood off from the floor. Then I remember running. Running alongside other people, freaks and the two headed dogs..running from something to my car with my friend. We get in a start to drive. In the next part of the dream I'm out of the car in the woods, with the "Mummy" standing above me, lethal but not after me, but my friend, although he doesnt' hurt her either. (The "Mummy" has been in my dreams before, he's very thin, deformed face wrapped in gauze and missing 1/2 an arm.) We get into the car, drive in fear of this man until we get into town. Throughout the whole thing, my dad is not in my dream, but in my thoughts or something, I just remember my dad being present in whatever way. We get into town and stop. We end up at someones home I did not know and there were 4 people there, a set of twins that were cute, and my friend has relations with one of them on the steps(it was a VERY weird dream). We leave, walk out the door then for some reason double back out the door...and I get this picture of everyone in the house having been killed by the 'Mummy" although in my dream, I never look in and act as though it didn't matter or I didn't know. Driving again, trapped in a large garage or junk yard trying to drive out, but the way out is blocked by a car that wasn't there before. We get out, and drive, and I don't remember my sons being present in the dream either, but I remember being fearful for them.

And thats it. But I woke up, came down to the bathroom and am spooked by every creek and rumble of a car thats outside. So I'm up 330 am, typing this really screwed up scary dream I had, of which is so weird, I'm not sure I would want anyone to interpret.

I'm going back to bed. Hopefully my haunting has left...

For Richer or Poorer

I got a continuance. Had to pay 1/2 the psychologists regular fee, but I guess you do what you got to do, right? So that load of stress is relieved.

The 28th hearing is now scheduled as a conference. Apparently the Judge was quite serious in investigating the financial issues. My attorney left a message for me that they needed the name and number of the attorney I consulted for my prenuptial agreement ASAP. The judge has stated before that he would investigate the validity of our prenup. Here we go. The way I look at it...let D and the new wife sweat bullets. All I will be out of is an hour in attorney's fees. Even with nothing I'm in a better position than 3 years ago. And with or without compensation for the hell the kids and I have been through, I did the right thing.

On the other hand, it could be Christmas in July....

News

Here we go....

Kids had to have psychological evaluations. I have not heard one word about it.

Thursday I get a call from my attorney's secretary asking "What happened? Why weren't you at the doctor's appt?" My reaction...HUH??? Apparently the appointed attorney for the kids made the appt. thinking D was taking them, however it was scheduled on my custody week. D paid for it, it was all set up. D did not say a word, not one word. The communication I was supposed to have gotten from my attorney was a letter left at the steakhouse, of which I am no longer officially an employee...and a mailed letter, not certified. I did not receive a letter and no one can locate a letter at the Steakhouse. The judge is pissed, will not allow a continuance, all this happened on last Thursday, so at 3 thursday I get a call that the appt. has to be done that week per the judge. Hmmm. The psychologist cannot see the kids until august. Our hearing is July 28. So I have this huge problem, OUT OF THE BLUE, and now I will have to pay 1/2 the original fee (205.00) for an appt I can't get and wasn't notified of. Can this get any fucking worse???

Angry.

Ok. So D calls tonight, right? Very butt kissingly asks me if I want to pick the boys up early next Friday (I don't have off from work). WTF??? See blog entitled WTF?? I had asked him to let me pick them up early last Friday (I had the day off) of which I received a terse 'No, Derek doesn't want to go" and he plans a camping trip for that day, hence that days post on Derek's outburst. Ok, so I told D, fine, he can drive the extra 13 miles to my mom's on fridays to pick up the kids instead of me dropping them off 10 miles from his house. So now, I refuse to try to wheel and deal. It's always to his benefit, on his terms and only when he wants something. So what does he do? Tells Derek he's going to my mom's and 'Mommy won't let me pick you up early for the trip to the lake". I told Derek nothing of the issues going on. Derek starts to wail. I call D back and let him listen, and ask him how this is going to make me more cooperative, doing this to Derek again. Putting the kid in the middle. He began to argue with me about out court order which states anything over 4 hours is his if I'm working. I replied that Derek will only be there for 2 1/2. He's going to talk to his attorney, and I said fine, you showed everyone what you do to your kids with putting your son on the stand to fall to pieces and you didn't learn anything...so thanks for more ammunition. Oh and yeah, at first when Derek started to cry he had his new step daughter tell me he went for a walk and she thinks he didn't want to talk to me. But he conveniently answers the phone when I call back to say my piece. How can a 48 yr. old hide behind his kids like that. He's a coward. He's the worst kind of egotistical, chauvinistic, biggotted coward I have ever met.

Justice for Children

The 'Red State Feminist' has blogged about Addyson Rosenthal, a little girl who has been taken from her mother and given to her sexually abusive father. In a nutshell, the mother was reprimanded for delivering her daughter late for father's custody visitation in a contempt petition, lost full custody of her daughter after expert witnesses and facts about the abuse were thrown out, thrown in jail for her inability to pay father's attorneys fees and hefty child support payments. Her family has exhausted their own resources, and in Red's July 6th post, relays 'Justice for Children's' plea for funds for this case. If you are interested, please visit the red state feminists site for more information on this case and links to make a donation. Although my own attorney is awaiting payment, I will be sending my own modest donation.

Do I believe this stuff? I do. I spent many, many days in court over custody disputes. I have been 'talked' out of what I believed is the best situation for my own kids and fight still to fix my negligent ex-attorney's mess. He was caught lying, including lies about his drug use, in court. I know a woman who lost a child to a drug addicted, HIV positive father (hence, disability, not explainable in court for confidentiality purposes, also a cover for drug use) and works two jobs to pay him child support. It happens. Not just to women or men, but to GOOD PARENTS who usually have LESS FINANCIAL RESOURCES to fight within the system.

"PLEASE consider how you can help us distribute our donor letters to individuals or organizations who are willing and able to help Janay and Addyson. Assuming you can help us, and in anticipation of our donor letter mail-out, please provide me with your address and the number of copies you can each personalize and forward to potential donors. Thanks for your willingness to help."

Tom Thomas H. Burton,III General Counsel

JUSTICE FOR CHILDREN

2600 Southwest Freeway,Suite 806 Houston, Texas 77098

Tel. (713) 225-4357Fax (713) 225-2818email: tburton@justiceforchildren.org

"Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have." - Margaret Mead

http://redstatefeminist.blogspot.com/

Am I not the blogging queen today???

I caught Dalton on top of this stump at Hills Creek while we were camping, dancing and singing this...

I LIKE TO MOVE IT (King Julian)

Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

A Good Afternoon :)

Our evening was so much better than our afternoon. The boys wanted to go to the creek so we did that first. We caught a ton of crayfish, huge ones! Derek has become a master crayfish catcher. And as they always do...they ask if we can 'cook' them. So we brought them home, put them in a tank for later and left for my sisters house. The kids played and I got to visit a bit. All night long, Derek was an angel and affectionate. I'm not sure if he was feeling badly for his tantrum, which I believe was more circumstantial than behavioral, or just really happy. We didn't make it to the park, the boys were having a blast having a water fight with their cousins and their neighbors. We'll save it for another day.

So, we came home and cooked the crayfish. I tried really hard to talk them out of it, I did. But I couldn't. And a promise is a promise...The boys insisted I have some too, and I did. To be honest, they are good...but I really have to overcome some bit of lingering squeemishness to eat them. It was a late, late night. Dalton brought a fish magazine up to read before bed, so at 11:30 they were ready to pass out.

There is another dilemma I have with Derek. He was just 5 when I left his dad, but he remembers quite a lot. Tonight he said "I love you Mommy, I wish you hadn't moved." I played dumb and said "from where?" "Daddy's house". This discussion happens maybe every six months, and I never really know how to answer. I would be interested in what his father tells him, but since the focus is on the fact that I left, I can take a guess. I have only told him that some people just don't get along, are not happy and fight, so it's better to be apart. But I think sometimes, though he hasn't asked specifically, he wants to know why. I wish I could make him understand the it was the right thing to do. I've thought before that when he's grown I'll explain it to him, but I probably won't. I think that he will have his own taste of it one day. Sometimes the only answer I can give is a lot of love.

WTF

Today was bad, bad, bad when I went to pick up the kids. D did it again, my son was so upset and for once, I had to say what was on my mind. I'm at my wits end and I can't change Derek's dad and can't explain the problem when his eyes focus inward to no other needs or desires but his own. He planned a camping trip, left yesturday, and I picked Derek and Dalton up at the campground. Long story short, Derek was having fun and didn't want to leave, so he threw a tantrum. Not just a tantrum and uncontrollable screaming fit. He ran away from me. When I FINALLY got him into the car (it took 1/2 an hour), he screamed he hated me, hates my house, doesn't want to be with me. I tried to console him, be firm with him, but the simple fact of the matter is, he just doesn't understand. And on my part, I have tried to be very in tune to the kids wants and needs and so have given in when he has wanted to stay. Not once has his dad returned that favor when the situation was reversed. But as I was driving away, I got angry. D works at home, his schedule is 'extremely flexible' , his words. I never plan things that the boys have to leave in the middle of. So I turned around and confronted D. I told him that I am going to ask the question that he needs to answer for Derek since Derek can't formulate it on his own as a child. I asked him why he can't plan a camping trip that he starts and finishes during his custody week? Why is it every time I pick them up, he has to make his son feel like he's missing something? Why does he constantly tell Derek about the things he misses when he is with me? I demanded an explanation. And his response was that he explained it to Derek. So then why is the child screaming and crying?? Derek's reaction was anything but acceptance and understanding. D doesn't get it. He can't see beyond his own mentality. This happens over and over and over. And I guess this is the conclusion I have to reconcile to myself. I can't change it and it isn't going to change. It will probably never change. And all I can do is deal with it the best way possible, though I'm not sure how that is exactly. Friends and well-meaning acquaintances have told me that I still live in the past, that I dwell on the things I can't change. I guess this is true. After three years, I should come to the realization that I'll never make a blind man see.

The good thing is, we came home, Derek was playing in the sandbox and said "I love you, Mommy". So, I guess the point to my post is this. Maybe I'm fighting a battle that I have won, in some small way.

So We had to come back to the house because Derek asked me to remove a sliver (surprised me since usually he won't let me touch them) and clean up teary faces, mine included. I had to regroup, and the kids are eating freeze pops. We're off to the park with tennis rackets and swimsuits. I'm going to do boy stuff all night.

P.S. I got pictures. I posted two of my favorites! This is Derek playing t-ball. The kid has a very unique playing style, to say the least.

The 4th of July

Updates: My initial gut instinct about my sister's boyfriends friend was the correct one...and isn't that how it usually turns out? My sister had shared with me yesturday a comment he had made when staying at her house and if she had told me earlier, I would have not wasted a second thought about him. She didn't say anything because it was hurtful, in general, to her and to me and probably to any woman. I told her that you can't ignore those kinds of things because it says something about him. I don't blame my sister because I think it's one of the few times she was genuinely trying to be helpful and kind, but I re-learned something. Don't ignore what you know and what you feel. If you have rationalize and justify the 'rightness' of another person in your life, it's probably not a good thing.

I'm tired today. Feeling better but not well yet. I have lots to do but haven't 'dug in' as I intended to. I had a long conversation with an old friend and it was nice. I'm thinking that maybe I'll just put on some music, dance through my chores and then get through the other stuff. No plans for the 4th as yet. I'm thinking that it might be nice to not have plans today. I'm utilizing the leisure of not making a decision.

Yesturday I went on a road trip with my sister and her boyfriend to drop off his son Jarrod near Pittsburg. It was ok. On the way home, we passed three places setting off fireworks and several homes where people were gathered around watching 'personal fireworks'. And as lame as it might sound, it was cool to ride and watch the streaks of lit fireflies as we passed by. I was awed by them as a kid and at 32 still enjoy natures lightshow. I'm off to do something...whatever it might be. Happy 4th of July everyone.

Misery

My face hurts. I have a killer sinus infection and I feel like the left side of my face is going to explode off from my head at any minute. I worked hard to make the last day with the kids before they are off to their dad's for the week fun and special. But boy, have I been (feeling) miserable all friggin day. And at the moment, I can't sleep.

I'm soothing myself with "Failure to Launch". I hope it's good. But surely Matthew McConaughey's butt could make a girl forget about an exploding face. The shirtless, muscley clip nearly worked already!!!

But god. The kids leave tomorrow. Where did the week go? It's gonna be lonely here....

More stuff.

I'm supposed to be getting ready for work and getting kids ready to spend the day with their dad instead of the babysitter. I gave in. The babysitter sits and thats all. I'm getting tired of seeing the boys spending their summer quite bored out of their minds and I at least if they go to their dad's I know that they will have something to do with or without their father. They will PLAY. Kids need to play. Especially OUTSIDE!

More on the sister's boyfriend's friend issue. I caved mildly, he was quite persistent throughout the weekend. On Sunday, he tried to be 'huggy' which made me highly uncomfortable, especially with the kids around. My mom made the comment when asking if I liked him, that if a guy comes on too strong, I don't want anything to do with him. You got it mom. If I don't have time to decide I like you, then I'm not gonna like you.

Number one: They all went out together, sister, mom, dad, bf, bf friend. I didn't go because I had the boys. They called, bf friend says he is going to stick to me like glue on Sunday before they leave. I was at my mom's at one. Bf friend left with dad to look for Indian artifacts...didn't show til six. I'm not mad, just building my case.

Number two: BF friend says he will call. Insists he did, but no message or ID on phone. Still not mad, but strike two.

And so the rest of the story. He is not really working at the moment. Says he wants to move up here to this area. So I did call him and talked to him. Gave him the experience of an ex who had no job and tried to move himself in with me. A round about hint that I don't take strays. Listed all the reasons why it is a bad idea in the form of questions/discussion but I don't think he got the point. Next on the list, explain that he can't move here for me. If he wants to, fine, but he's got to find a place to live, a job and all that all by himself. Cuz I still don't think I like him in 'that way'. On the other hand, a boyfriend would be nice. But I've long since learned to control that urge with practicality.

On another note: My job. I'm working 25 hours a week, but totally beat on my days off. My average mileage for one day with my client is 150 miles. 450 miles a week. For my expenses, I'm getting about double of what I spend, which is ok, but it's going to reap havoc on my barely kept together piece of junk. I'm getting home at around 6:00 pm, with barely enough ambition to make dinner. But then I don't want to divide the hours up into 5 days, because I lose two more hours a week travel time, and would put extra miles on the car going back and forth. Everyone I have talked to says that you burn out quickly as a TSS. I'm feelin' it. I have a week off next week. My pocket will be empty but I'm thinking it will be a much needed break.

I could write and write and write, but I'm going to make myself late.

Val, you'll have to send me some of those stories!!!

Just for fun.

You're a Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romanceYou love to kiss under the stars or by the seaThe perfect kiss involves the perfect moodIt's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Thinking out loud silently

Driving time is my thinking time. I can drive hours and hours and eat it up with thoughts. Nights like tonight, my thoughts included some self evaluation.

I have been unwittingly 'set-up'. Yesturday I went to my moms for a care free day with the kids hanging out with her at the pool. Then my sister called. She's bringing her new boyfriend and her boyfriends friend. Great. Now I have to hide myself in a shirt and comb my hair. Ducky.

So here we are the fifth and sixth wheel. I hate it. HATE IT! Granted he seems to be a nice enough guy, good looking...and of course, I do as I do, be polite and converse..yada yada...then the mild flirtations, yada yada...(not on my part)...and so tonight I talked to him a bit and it was ok, but still I know I probably won't give him the time of day.

And so I ask myself, why not?? In the old days, I probably would have toyed with the idea of dating him. Now, I have made sort of a snap judgement. My sister has accused me in the past of being snooty. I'm not snooty, I just get a vibe. It either works or doesn't work. And in the brief conversation I had with this guy I am pretty sure it wouldn't. And so, I find myself asking what it is that I'm looking for. What do I think I'm supposed to find??

The best way I can explain it, to myself or anyone else, is that I'm looking for direction. Someone with a good idea of what to expect from life...not someone waiting for life to happen. Maybe that's maturity...wanting to know what to expect from someone else.

I'm still not explaining it well. But while I was doing all this thinking in the car, this thought struck me...

I want a lighthouse...not the brightest star in the sky, or the sparkle of diamond. Just the muted light of a lighthouse with solid foundation, strength to weather the worst of storms, and a light that draws me home.

Is that corny or what??? And so this is the beginning and end of my love life. Thoughts gathered, analyzed and put away to collect mental dust.

Time to get some sleep, two boys will be ready to run in the morning. Sweet dreams everyone.

New do, new me....

CH, CH, CHECK IT OUT! I did it. I got my hair, well, trimmed, but highlighted. I think it is cool as hell, probably because it has been 14 years since I have done anything color-wise to my hair. 4 hours in the chair and I'm refreshed and feeling like a new woman. Roxy even put my hair up in an up-do for work. She did a much better job than I would have. I felt like I should have been going to the prom instead of heading to the restaurant. Ahh well, it's a woman's thing. (And I don't know why my pic is blurry and blue.)

Anyhow, it was money well spent. And there was

a lot of it spent this week after $250.00 of repairs for my car inspection. But that feels good as well since it's all taken care of for awhile (crossing fingers). The day before taking it to the garage I had to stop to get a bungy cord to tie up my muffler to keep it from dragging it around all day. I tried ripping it off but it was clamped...

So this is my big news of the week. I have to run as I'm supposed to be at a training session tomorrow so I'm gonna need some sleep. And of course I will want to play with my hair before I leave so thats an extra hour in the morning....



Take care everyone! BBL!

I'm totally feeling like Monday

I'm sitting here. That's about it. I have a list of things to do a mile long and yet, here I sit. No interesting emails to read and respond to, no one to chat with... I'm looking for any mindless waste of time I can find as that is all I feel capable of at the moment.

My car is in the shop eating money. I hate the feeling of being carless. It's like I have lost my legs. I may not have anywhere to go, but I know I can't if I wanted to. I hate it.

The weekend was good. I made quite a bit of money at the Steakhouse and my kids had a nice time with my mom and dad for two evenings. Sunday we went to my employer's lake house for an employee picnic and that was awesome. Well, right up until the kids had to return the baby turtle and crayfish to the lake which brought on a couple of unusually explosive set of tantrums just as we were leaving and in front of all of my co-workers and employers. Embarrassing, to say the least. But, the boys were tired, and we are all sick with summer colds, so I attribute some of the behavior to a general feeling of unwellness. I am feeling particularly crappy today. I'm thinking that I'm in the sinus infection stage because I have been dizzy all morning. Which leads me to my lack of ambition this very moment. NO MORE NYQUIL FOR ME! That stuff knocked me out, but made me feel horrible the next morning. I took a 1/2 dose yesturday and felt like I was going to be sick. I even had to take a bucket to bed with me just in case.

Tomorrow is 'hair' day. I havent' had it cut in a year. Getting highlights. My friend Tina has been telling me for two weeks she can't wait to see it. Last Thursday she asked me if she could come with me. She said that I will probably be there for 3 or 4 hours so she would keep me company. I love that girl! I had been contemplating cancelling because it's going to cost quite a bit, but it's time I did something for myself. So...here goes. I need a change.

I'm going to quit blabbing and start knocking things off my list. I'll kick myself for the rest of the week for wasting an entire day...It's a good thing no one is around because I would happily sit here feeling shitty doing nothing. Maybe if I get it all done, I will treat myself to that movie Tina and I have been talking about seeing. Over and out.

Small stuff

Such a busy weekend it's been. I'm sick of working and looking forward to a free day tomorrow.

I went out on a limb tonight, and not sure how well it was received. I asked to a coworker to stop over and share a couple of beer's. A male co-worker. To be honest, it was pretty much a platonic invitation; however, it was refused for very good reasons, but leaves me feeling like a bit of an ass. I guess this is why I don't take these chances.

On the other hand, the kids and I are quite ill with colds and so I guess it's for the best. I just took some Nyquil and have a good buzz going on. This is some good shit! LOL. So thats why they won't let you buy a bunch of it at once.

I had gone to the store to get something for relief of the congestion the boys and I are having. I rarely, if ever, take anything. But I was interested in sleeping tonight and so bought some Nyquil. I also got the kids some children's cold and flu meds. Do you know that they will not let you buy TWO cold medicines at once? What the hell is with that anyway?

Oh my, this is going to knock me out. Vision is beginning to blur and if I were speaking, I would probably slur. This is why I usually don't take this stuff, it totally hits me hard. I wonder if you get a hangover from nyquil? Ugh. I'm passing out before I further embarrass myself. Sweet dreams all....

Sperm donor

My father called. As usual, he called to be nosy. I, in a weak moment, told him I was thinking of buying a car, namely a used jeep grand cherokee. Immediately, it started. The rant...don't even look at that car, the mileage is too high, the price is too high, blah, blah, blah. Not friendly advice, but an insistent order to not look at the car. Then I told him my step-dad was going with me to look at it. Oh god, then I heard how he knows nothing, look at what he drives, on and on and on. That got my goat. Usually I use placate the situation with an ok and change of subject...but today, I nailed him. This time, he hung up on me.

I told him to just come out and say I'm a loser, because every time I talk to him about a personal decision or situation he goes on a tangent about how wrong I am. He said no you aren't...more blabbing and then back to the "do not even look at this car". In a nutshell, I told him that he is really good at giving orders, but also really good at not being around. He has never been around. "You tell me what to do, but when it comes to the nuts and bolts you aren't available and you never have been. Pop (my step-dad) has always been there. You don't offer advice, you dictate." His response, "Fine, do what you want, just don't call me when you are in bind." I said "I don't! I havent' called you in several months! I go to the ones who have been here (my mom and step dad), who care enough to be involved!" If he thinks I'm worried about $83,000 dollars in his "I'm so worried about my children after they are all grown" will money, he's got another thing coming. I'm not letting him dwell in this wonderful father fantasy, when he's not matched my step dad on his worst day parenting in his entire life. Let's ask the son he gave up for adoption who later had a miserable, abusive childhood or the daughter he hasn't seen since she was 5 (now in her thirties). Even me, the quiet mediator, has her fill after awhile.

The latest here...D and the new wifey are shacked up, and in the in love stage of the fifth divorce. He was a very unhappy camper, argued with me about returning a borrowed shirt Derek wore for his concert since he sent him in a dirty one. He was extremely grumpy, I almost feel badly for the flavor of the month. Dalton cries frequently now when I drop him off...giving me many good bye hugs, standing at the door watching me leave, crying. My heart breaks even more lately, I hear D discipling Dalton for his crying over my leaving, warning him that he'll go to bed early, go to the chair. What a miserable way to deal with your child's sadness.

Enough bitching. I'm whipped. I'm sad for my kids. I'm wondering how my life will turn out. But I do feel pretty good about telling my sperm donor what I felt. Such is life.

I'm out of it these days

I have not been a very good blogger of late...my apologies!! I'm so out of touch with everything these days. The last free weekend I had I whooped it up with my friends for some fun time, but everything in between is simply CRAZY!! I can barely keep up with myself.

Next week I have a break, if you could call it that. I don't work as a TSS, since my client is not approved for hours for the next ten days. However, several of those days are full of all the appointments, chores and training I have been putting off for weeks, and continue filling up by the minute. Not to mention my neglected home front.

Today, I'm exhausted. I have been RUNNING up until this very moment where I have two 'free' hours before I'm up and running again. Monday started with an 11 hour day. 9 of those with my day job, 2 unplanned at the Steakhouse since I went in for dinner and ended up bartending while my boss went to play basketball. But hey, when he offered the dinner of my choice for free (Prime rib...yum!...with leftovers for lunch) and twenty bucks who could resist?? I work at the restaurant Friday and Saturday, and several days next week.

I'm going to veg. I have lots of pictures to share, and someday I just may do that! Lots of love to all. Bear with me!! (Or do I mean 'Beer with me!'?)

Memorial Weekend Notes

Our planned camping trip was off to a rocky start Friday afternoon. D had a kind moment...or should I say, convenient moment and dropped the kids off after lunch. I was still packing, and packing and packing...rainy day activities, fishing stuff, hiking stuff, swimming stuff, tunes, books, blankets, coolers full of food stuffs, charcoal...and so on. I had the trunk and every inch of free space in the car packed full! All to drive 20 minutes away to the local campground at Hills Creek Lake. But I was pretending to be far away...and who knew that it would work.

Before leaving, tragedy struck. Derek was playing with his lizards and burned his two fingers on the heat lamp. OOOHHHH the wailing. I mean wailing! That delayed us a good 25 minutes, soaking fingers, watching tv to distract him from his unbearable agony, doctoring...finally (and I know it really hurts, but if anyone had heard him they would have been sure he lopped off his fingers, not just blistered the tips) we were off. But then I realized I needed a fishing license because on this trip, I WAS NOT FORGOING FISHING! Then I realized maybe I might need a beer to go with my book and campfire, so stopped and picked up some Lager, and we needed bait...aye ya aye...

We got there at 3:30. Derek was tickled with the small cabin, saying "This is great, Mommy!" It was great. We had everything we needed but water. Hmmm. So we unpacked...forever it seemed, then scared up some wood and more ice for the coolers. When we got settled in, we walked over the bank to the lake. It was raining, of course. But it was awesome. The kids had a blast walking in the swampy edge looking for tadpoles and frogs. I just enjoyed how beautiful and peaceful it was. We walked for awhile then went back to cook dinner. I didn't bring my grill and so had to build a fire to cook my still frozen chicken. It took awhile, but we had that, corn and baked beans I had made earlier, and ate inside the cabin at the table. We headed back to the lake, with another little boy camping nearby about Derek's age, for a last frog hunt before turning in. We found a beaver swimming about in the lake and followed him for quite awhile thinking he would come ashore. He didn't, but it was awesome to watch. By that time, the rain was lighter and a fog had settled. It was so peaceful....and nice.

The kids were filthy, it was at least nine o'clock (I purposely didn't bring a clock) so we went to the showers. That was cool, the kids loved getting in there with no splash, hot water or time restrictions, so I could enjoy myself without worrying about them tearing up the bathrooms too much. We headed back to the cabin, read some books and went to sleep in a really decent bed. Yes it was NICE.

The next morning, I got up early, built a fire and made eggs, bacon and toast. YUM. I even made coffee...on a campfire. I read my book while Derek slept and Dalton played. It was NICE!
After breakfast we went fishing and traveling along the hiking path around the lake. Dalton caught the first fish, a blue gill, and then I caught several more. Derek found some dragonflies and more frogs. We headed back to camp for lunch then went to the beach area to swim. I read some of my book while the kids created sand structures, then I helped them a little. We had ice cream cones and played at the playground. And it was sooooo....you know, nice.

We had dinner, hamburgers cooked on an open flame, it is my favorite now, kids played with the other boys in the area...(and got totally taken advantage of in hide and seek as he was the youngest), roasted marshmellows, told stories, Dalton sang his continents and oceans songs into the quiet night and we all fell fast asleep after a book in our cabin. I never even took the opportunity to have one of those beers. It was the greatest weekend.

Sunday, we went to visit my grandmother and uncle, and a new friend visiting from australia. We had a picnic, loaded kids and aunts and uncles and cousins into the backs of two trucks for a ride on Graham hill..property that has been in our family for years and years. It truly is wilderness with roads that barely resemble roads and lots of wildlife. We stopped at three old family hunting camps where we saw pictures of people long gone with their deer and doing the man thing at the cabin. We had a bonfire, marshmellows and told more stories, mostly of my grandfather who I never knew but is so alive in others. My grandmother ended the weekend with one comment. "I have always said, if you do anything in your life, make memories because when you get old that's all you have." She is so right. And I did make many wonderful memories with my family these four days.

*Post camping notes. Lighter on the CD's. More kids clothes. MORE JUGS OF WATER! Better fishing gear (I had to use my keys to try to disgorge a hook, well, it worked). Less indoor activities and more buckets for critters. Dont' forget tooth paste and bring a hatchet.

Home

I'm exhausted beyond belief. The kids and I had a wonderful time though. I will tell all...Tomorrow!!!! Time for me to sleep soundly for a long day of catching up here tomorrow.

Good day, Good weekend coming!

I had a great day. I mowed my above knee high dandelions and I had to go over every row twice. It was exhausting. By the time I got to the end of the trimming (God there is ALOT of it with all the banks) my left arm could not even hold the stupid trimmer up. I was a little shaky tonight at the restaurant. I also claimed one of the last two cabins at Hills Creek. I had to pay for a night I won't use, but in all it was only 93.00 for three nights which I think is not at all bad. I packed a bunch of stuff today and will get the rest done tomorrow morning.

Fishing, hiking, bike riding, grilling....YES, YES and YES!!! I'm so excited. I need to escape this world for a bit. Even though it is only 25 minutes from my home to the lake, I'm taking the mind set that I'm a zillion miles away and none of the stuff here matters. And for once, I am determined that Derek, Dalton and I will catch the monster fish we have yet to catch. I wish I had a boat. Even if it was a little canoe. I'll post pics later.

Good night at the restaurant. Did I say I love that job?? People there make me feel so much better. I treated myself to some Chipotle-Lime encrusted Tilapia and rice for dinner...and had a yummy brandy alexander after. Not to mention some girl gossip....I also made a decent 100.00. bucks (including my 2.83 an hour for the night).

I feel really good tonight. I may take some of my neices and nephews camping with us if I can. Since I'm not speaking to Becky, my mom is working on it. It's the same old song...I will not completely shut things off, because I believe in family, but I refuse to get close or socialize. I learned my lesson for the last time. She'll leave me alone now...she's claiming that this latest is the love of her life, one shes known for three? days. Good. As long as she's busy. Chances are she'll want to get rid of the kids...so I'll take them. The more the merrier!!!

I'm off. I'm a little sore from todays workout on the lawn, and the hectic 4 hour ass busting at the restaurant. I'm going to watch some tv before I hit the hay. Love to all you guys. Promise to catch up on blogs and emails after my VACATION!!!!!!!!!!

Not so great news.

Took the kids to see their appointed attorney today. I was very glad I chose to take them myself, in spite of the waste of an entire afternoon with the boys.

The news is not so great. She was very kind, and when I asked her about the situation her interpretation was that the judge was reluctant to change Derek's school and take him from the 'birth home'. I'm so sick of that term, D drops that incessantly. What about me? It was my womb that carried them, my breasts that fed them... Because I signed a prenup precluding me from keeping HIS home, then I can't be a good mother to my children. But he can commit adultry, be emotionally abusive and keep me from doing all I had ever wanted to do, which was be a mom.

It was also stated that it appears that the if the judge could order me to move within 10 miles of the children's fathers home, then he would. Ok so, I give up everything. EVERYTHING. I leave my parents, my friends, the home I have created here...This is all thats left.

IN THE END (LINKIN PARK) (Anime Music Videos)

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I'm struggling with a very real feeling of hopelessness. The easiest route is to keep kissing an an assholes ass. I drove home, crying, turned up the radio to hear linkin parks "In the end". I'm yelling at the top of my lungs with this song..."In the end, it doesn't fucking matter." Because it's all I could do.

Nothing to Hide

My psychologist asked me when doing psychological exams for our custody dispute what the most important thing is to impart to your children. My answer was honesty. Being honest with yourself, about yourself and with others. There are those few that live their lives putting others down in order to validate their own existences. They can't hold their heads high unless there is someone who doesn't measure up comparatively from their perspective. If they feel inferior, they peer, manipulate, investigate until they find some shred of evidence of a persons fallibility then embellish and advertise it. "I'm so much better than you because..." (I'm sure you can fill in the blank).

Who doesn't have a few skeletons tucked away in some dark closet somewhere? Who can claim infallibility? Who can say that they walk the higher ground when you cannot walk in anothers shoes? My unasked for opinion is this. If you spend your time judging others, then the issues of your own life are being neglected and unaddressed. If you spend your time trying to justify your mistakes, then you are not learning from them. If you find yourself rejecting people as inferior, then you have missed the reason that they have been put in front of you. As I have been called before, yes, I'm a multiculturalist dipshit. I believe that in any walk of life, in any culture, no person is without a gift, be it good advice, a lesson, a viewpoint...or just a moment of laughter you may not have had time for otherwise.

You are wasting your time in finding inferiority with me. Chances are, I already feel inferior. I have been around a few blocks in a ferrari, on welfare, married, single, with my rent, and begging from the salvation army. None of these experiences would I give up because I learned some very valuable things from all of those situations. I found that I am very lucky, because there is always someone struggling harder. I learned about hard work. I learned about carrying on when I felt like I was dead inside.

If you are better than me, then I don't have time for you. I'm too busy trying to live my life. If you have nothing constructive to add...I don't need you. If your only goal is to wipe your feet on my face...I won't acknowledge you. If you can be honest with yourself, about yourself and to me...I will embrace you. I have nothing to hide and refuse to spend a minute more on justifying my humanity. I am who I am at face value. Take it or leave it. I'm sorry for spending so many years trying to love one who can't love me back. I never thought it was a waste of time until today.

Mindy

A Day in The Life

It's Sunday night and I find myself weepy and emotional. I had a good weekend, for the most part. I made some extra cash at the Steakhouse, had a great night there Saturday night, time with friends, won the pool Tina started for the number of people we would have that night, and shared a moment with 3 awesome friends when we all saw a shooting star. Oh yeah, I totally made a wish on it. We'll see what happens. I had a blast with the girls, shared some intimate secrets and laughed my ass off. Now why can't that happen every day??

I went to Walmart when I finally got out of bed. I slept 1/2 the day away, and it felt awesome. But I slept half the day away and so made the crunch of things on the homefront a little more hectic. So anyway, I went to walmart and picked up some healthier things to eat during the very busy week. I have been so run down lately that I figured maybe some vitamins and some lifestyle changes would help my ability to keep it all together without feeling so utterly exhausted. I decided to pick out Father's Day cards. I was standing there reading these sentimental cards and found myself teary. I found a beautiful card for my step dad. He's been a pillar during some totally fucked up times in my life. I then found one for my sperm donor. That was harder, since 'happiness' 'you've been there' 'your great qualities' and so forth just didn't apply.

Then I went home. Found myself weepy listening to songs on the radio. I talked to Derek on the phone...and his dad. That was pretty much the last straw of the day, since he informed me that Memorial Day was not my holiday, even though the practice is every other but follows his schedule with his other son. So now I have to either call his other ex wife to get the scoop, or call my attorney...or who knows what I can do about it. So when I finished talking to Derek I had to choke back the tears because in any situation of stress...thats my typical reaction. But Derek was so sweet tonight. He found some information about his anoles he has here and read it to me. I'm so proud of that child. I'm so proud of both of them.

It could be PMS...that horrible affliction of the female population. It could be the continual ungodly stress of all thats happening (or not happening) here. It could be that in everything I attempt, there is the ongoing fight with insecurities I still can't completely pluck out. I hate Sunday nights. Sunday nights are lonely nights. And in some ways, I can't wait to run my ass off all week.

Good God.

Two things that frustrate me...You can't pick your family nor can you select your neighbors. Family just screws you royally at any given chance, but in the honor of family relations you ignore, overlook, deal with stuff you just wouldn't take from anyone else. Avoidance. 25 years of hell with a whacked sister who should be on meds and thats the only solution I can come up with.

Neighbor. The last resort will be to call the cops. After the last altercation in which he called me several not very nice names, I have gone to great lengths to avoid and be polite for the sake of peace. Tonight he walks into our shared walkway...the one he wanted to ban me from God knows why, drunk off his ass, accusing me of playing a 'game' because I accidently forgot to close the shed door after putting the mower away...BECAUSE I TAKE CARE OF EVERY SINGLE BIT OF MAINTAINCE IN THE YARD, DRIVEWAY, WALKWAY (yes he has not once picked up a snow shovel or changed a lightbulb) and I didn't realize it but it swung maybe three inches into an at least 25 foot wide driveway that has one other vehicle parked there. No freaking wonder I leave here at 630 am and don't come home until after work or kids until 830 at night. I'm so freaking overjoyed that tomorrow will be a 15 hour work day and I won't have to be here AT MY OWN HOME to enjoy this crap. How is it I have maintained good relations with every other efficiency tenant but this one?

I'm disappearing for the weekend. And I'm going to find a house in the great wilderness that exists here and become a hermit. Cause being nice just isn't good enough.

Sorry blogger friends. I needed to vent. And I'm getting no sleep this week so you won't WANT to hear from me for another two days. Val...please leave me a funny message. I need one.

Monday

While yesturday's sadness has subsided, I'm faced with my one and only free evening at home in an empty house that holds little comfort. Sometimes, my greatest hold on sanity is that occassional funny email or brief IM conversation that makes the night a little less solitary.

I'm procastinating a little longer, to catch up on blogs and myspace, emails and messages. I'm then off to complete the progress notes I'm behind on, finish up the requirements for extra training (paid for), and put together some more portfolios for my job search. I'm now a TSS in another school and I love this classroom my client is in. More than ever, I long to find a teaching job. I never dreamed that I would long for a job this badly...not for the income or security (although it's a draw) but simply for job satisfaction.

Something unfunnily funny...(life is so ironic). Last week, my friend Tina got her hair done. It looked so awesome, I decided that I would do something similar, although it would probably cost me about $100.00 because of the length of my hair. Two days after that decision (by now it should be an omen...to decide to do something for myself) my alternator went in my car. Today, my rearview mirror came off in my hand. It's a sign. After I pay for everything that will need to be repaired for my inspection, I will not have enough to get a new do. The flip side...I will not spend the money I will need for the car on myself. Or maybe I'll just do it anyway and duck tape my muffler. Hey, I should've left my old refridgerator in the yard as well....

Little things...it's lilac season, one of my favorite flowers. I picked a bunch and put a vase full of them in the kitchen. If nothing else, I have been blessed with the God-given pleasure of the fragrance of lilacs.

Sad.

I find myself not able to fight the tears tonight. Somehow, I feel like I missed this whole weekend. I almost can't believe it's Sunday night. This weekend is gone.

Next weekend is D's weekend. It means it will be a good long stretch before I will be bringing the kids home again. They haven't even left, and I'm missing them so much already. Even with all my bitching, I've been able to feel pretty upbeat. But tonight, all my mistakes haunt me. I let myself get hopeful, which I tried not to do. Because now the shred of doubt is in my face with a long possible fall.

D's marriage is joke. In reality, it brings me to face my own utterly disappointing happy ending. The most painful thing, that some other woman just may be spending the time with my sons that I was meant to have. They are my babies. I would die for them. In so many ways, I already have.

I take the heartaches and pack them away to walk through another day, another week. But sometimes, the suitcase bursts and all the sadness flies out. It's the way it feels tonight.

It's Friday

But the term 'Friday' in this case is not synonomous with 'slow down'. It merely means run, but in a different direction. There are two T-ball games, one tonight and one on Saturday morning. Since we live so far away, we have to rush home tonight, jump in bed and be up and out early for Saturday's game. There's half my weekend gone.

D has been pushing for me to give him tonight with the kids. He is having friends over, as well as the woman of the month and her daughter. Why doesn't he plan this stuff on HIS weekend? I said no, and threatened that he had better not pull a stunt like the last time, where he manipulates the kids into ungodly tantrums for his cause. Derek already knows his weekend plans and started whining. He called and offered me a 'deal'. A switch for Thursday night and all day Friday for Memorial Day weekend. Sounds nice, huh? Except I have to work all day that Friday. I am pretty sure this all has something to do with him 'getting rid' of the kids that extra day for some personal, hang out with sugar momma plans. I thought about counter-offering with another weekend, but, I'm not doing it. He showed me that he cannot reasonably extend himself for a favor in my direction the week before last, and so, no. It's Mother's Day weekend, and I'm keeping it all to myself. I'm definitely not going out of my way to ensure a Mother's Day celebration with the STEPMOTHER.

Things on the employment front are not ideal at the moment. Being a TSS is frustrating, and this week I have found out just how so. My clients life was turned upside down again, and has been replanted. That, in combination with her getting strep, has eliminated 2 1/2 days of my work week. Another short paycheck, in spite of my constant reconciling of schedules to fit the hours in. AND a sleepless night on Wednesday not knowing where this child went, how she was feeling, or how to contact her. I dont' think that I will ever understand this child's knowledge of 'lost'. It's probably something I should be so thankful for.

MONEY!! Short week last pay period, now another. Pay day will be less than gratifying today. D is now playing child support games since he is doomed to paying it for a very long time, per the Judge's last order. There are ways of manipulating the payments, and he is very in tune with how to do so. Thank God I kept my night at the Steakhouse last night. I made 110 dollars, gas money and electric bill payment. Whew.

There is a caseworkers postion open with the company I work in. I'm applying, it's full-time with benefits and all that. I have application portfolios out for teaching positions. I hope to hear something soon. Time is fleeting. And another court date in July.

I'm off. I have not received a call back from my clients caregiver so I have an unwanted day off. I guess I'll do some more summer cleaning before getting the kids.

Have a great weekend all!!!

To Gary at G-Man Ink.......Have one heck of a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!

Time stood still...

It's been a strange day. After watching "Shop Girl" and with the news of my ex getting married, I have beent thinking, why don't I have a relationship?? I know I have some very good qualities and would be a great partner for the right person. How is it that D can marry five times, and I seem to be stuck with once? Tina told me it's ok to be picky. I guess that's it.

To top it off, I stopped to see my attorney and out of the blue he asked me if I was seeing anyone? Why not? I just looked at him and said "When do I have the time? And where would I meet someone here anyway?"

And so, I made the trek to my ex-husbands house to pick up the kids.

It was a beautiful, warm day. I was stopped in a small town, behind a bus. The song "Where did you go? I miss you so, it's like it's been forever, since you've been gone..." (Don't know the artist) was playing, and something caught my eye. I turned to look out the window and there were all of these white flowers lightly floating past, like snow. It was a moment where time stood still. I was looking at these flowers drift all around me and realized that though I wish for something wonderful for myself, a counterpart, friend, lover, I'm really fortunate in what I have, my sons, my family and possibilities. The world is my oyster in many ways, though some doors have closed, others have also opened.

I'm on the brink amidst of a storm of flowers. It has to be a good sign.

As Our World Turns

I just got the news of the year. D is getting married. Reaction: Laugh hysterically...but I suppressed it. What I said was "Are you sure she's had enough time???" I thought I was stupid as the fourth. She'll be the fifth. What am I supposed to do or think?? I'm just going to hope even harder that custody changes. Geesh. A friggin soap opera. My bet is that there will be another child. Another future custody hearing. Time will tell.

Sunday was a wonderful day. I was hanging laundry in the morning and Derek came to me and said "I forgot to give you something this morning." He gave me big hug. I needed that. We went fishing in the afternoon and Dalton, out of the blue, said "I love you Derek." I'm so grateful for my sons. I'm a very lucky mom.

I watched Shop Girl this weekend. It's now one of my newest favorite movies. So real. And the message I took...sometimes what we want is not always best. What we wait for may be so much better.

I'm on myspace now. Finally my friends talked me into it. I get to add all the people I see every week...it's too funny.

I'm up too late already, this myspace thing really ate up a night. Sweet dreams all.

The Things I Can Do...

Just last week I was in a 'mood' and bitching to my co-worker/friends at the Steakhouse. What I said was "I'm about ready to marry some guy that just has to be around to do some of this shit that has to be done." Nice, huh??? Yeah I was feeling pretty harried and royally pissed off.

I try not to let it get to me. Sometimes in order to put myself in check, I think about what others do. I work with one woman who has two children that are involved in sports, and she works with me at both jobs, as a TSS and at the Steakhouse. But then...she is remarried and has an extra pair of hands and another source of income. Other single mom's...just one job. Other moms...married. Two incomes, two pair of hands. So while I respect that I am not in some hole that no one else is in...I am dad, mom, fixer, cleaner, breadwinner and so forth. It just feels like a lot. I'm not wallowing. I only work one night this week and I feel like I'm getting stuff done.

What got done tonight: First I put oil and washer fluid in my car, then I replaced a headlight which is no big feat, but was a royal pain in the arse. Then I did something about my gas bill. I had been lamenting the loss of my clothes line for a year, since it was attached to the house and the house was sided last summer. I didn't dare put it back, since I'm pretty sure that landlord would have delivered a cow. And I didn't want to get posts and all that and do the whole big permanent thing since I'm hoping to move this summer. So, by the shed there was this pile of cinder block pieces and a long metal post (you know, the ones that are U shaped with the little wholes down the bottom of the U...and NO I don't know what they are called) that I have wanted rid of for awhile. So, I got my shovel out and started digging in the flower bed (easier than in the yard) behind my bleeding heart and dug and dug and dug until I could put the post in far enough that it was lower than the eaves trough. I had to dig about 2 1/2 to 3 feet. I pulled out rocks and saved worms in the worm farm. I got really dirty. So then, I put the post in, took the pieces cinder blocks and wedged them in around the post for some stability. I then took a block of wood and my hammer to pound them in tightly, covered up the hole, fixed the flower bed border and voila...a clothes line and no junk behind the shed. I hope it holds. (I thought about heading to Pattersons for a bag of cement, but the landlord would probably not be happy about that either). I'm almost as proud of this as I was when I replaced all the parts in my toilet or built the boys sandbox. I caught the neighbor watching at one point, an older gentleman who fixes watches next door, and wondered what they think when they see me do tackle these projects. (Crazy bitch, I'm sure of it).

So the good side is that I really don't have to have anyone. I've gotten pretty resouceful (like hanging a shower curtain rod in the bathroom and tearing apart a picture frame to use as supports. It actually looks ok. And fixing the hole in the side of the toilet with gum.) and feel like there is little that I can't do when I put my mind to it. Then I ended my night by making an ass-kicking pasta salad with genoa salami, artichoke hearts, roasted peppers, parmesan, and avocado for the picnic I'm having with the boys tomorrow night. Yeah. I'm impressed with myself. I rarely have these moments so let me be!! :) I'm taking my conceited butt to the couch to watch 'Last Holiday' after I give myself a deserved facial and much needed hand care. Lets face it, I don't want to LOOK like I dig holes.

Hugs to all you fellow bloggers!

Happiness

Today was a beautiful day. We packed it full.

We first went to my mom's for a bit to visit my cousin and her kids who were staying to celebrate her birthday. On our way home, around lunch time, I finally stopped at this place where this guy always sells fixed up lawnmowers. Today I bought one. After three years of dragging a heavy monster around my yard and having to fix it every hour...I bought a better used mower. I shouldn't have spent the money, but ahhh...it really felt like a good way to spend it. The kids and I then went to Agway, purchased trowels for the boys, a rake, flowers, a plant hanger, 4 bags of top soil, 1 bag of potting soil and sunflower seeds. We came home, had lunch and went to work. I installed the plant hanger on the porch and hung the beautiful red miniature petunia that Derek picked out. Then the boys and I set to cleaning out the flower beds and adding some top soil. Derek planted HIS seeds, because he has decided he wants HIS own garden. So he has a spot of his own and I'm thinking of making a little wooden sign that says "Derek's Garden". While digging in the dirt, we decided to get a bucket to create our worm farm for fishing. After, I potted some plants for in the house and the kids just played outside, rolling in the dirt, being dinosaurs eating grass...

I mowed the lawn. In 1 1/2 hours I had it mostly mowed and trimmed. It was actually more like exercise than torture. It was DOABLE with my new mower. I love it.

Then Derek remembered I had said we might catch THE WILD at the theater...and so, I shuffled the kids into a bath, threw a steak on the grill, fried some potatoes and cooked some spinach...threw grass covered self into the shower and away we went to catch the 7:00 showing of the wild. I hid 2 quart sized bags of popcorn and two water bottles in my purse. Derek giggled the entire time..and Dalton, well, he was good. Somehow at one point he had folded himself up into the spring loaded seat, but looked quite comfortable. It was funny. We ran home, and I cuddled with the kids in bed.

Today was a great day. In the midst of planting with the boys, teaching them to pull the roots out a little, showing them how deep to dig and how to cover them up, I felt at peace. The sun was warm, we were together and we made our home a little more beautiful. Derek tells me he loves me quite often, but when something pleases him a little more than usual, he repeats it several times. He did that today when he was planting his garden. I heard the whisper behind his words.."I'm happy, Mommy". So am I my son, so am I.

Tomorrow

I can't wait until tomorrow. Hmmm. I guess it IS tomorrow, being 4 minutes into Sunday. I have to get to bed. Soon.

I worked today, 3 hours with my client...if you can classify running errands, doing my grocery shopping and playing at the playground 'work'. The kids and I came home and did a little gardening. Derek was a huge helper...if you call insisting on doing it himself 'help'. I actually got the lawnmower OUT of the shed with the intention of using it to 'hay it' tomorrow. I had to work tonight. I didn't want to go in, I sound like a frog with the whooping cough. And when my babysitter came, Derek asked her to take them to the creek (it really isn't a hard thing, it keeps them busy and tires them out..bonus!), and then I asked her and she rolled her eyes. I decided right then and there...no more. I am going to be home to take them to the darn creek. But I had to go tonight and made a grand total of 47 dollars, 2 of which went by way of the bus girl and 25 to the babysitter.

And to think of all the productive things I could have done at home. At least, the fun things I could have done with the kids. But hey. I have all of my weekends free now. I can't wait to have a completely free weekend.

I totally want to go fishing. I actually could not walk by the fishing tackle today without checking it out. I didn't buy anything, as I need to get my things out of the shed to see what's there from last year. AND see if the 2 rods the kids have are usable, since Dalton walks around the yard with his at any opportunity he gets. We just might head out to one of the local lakes tomorrow afternoon.

I'll post if anything exciting happens. Maybe we'll catch a monster catfish or something.

Friday

Sometimes I forget about my survival instincts. I left that message for my ex and instantly regretted it, not because what I had to say wasn't true, but because I don't need his help. I got things figured out...I will miss an hour of work and will have to do a lot of driving (picking up my sisters car and dropping it off after) but it worked out. After I got it done, D calls me back and for some reason decided to offer to have his babysitter watch the kids until I could get there. Too little too late. Why is kindness always an afterthought with him?? I told him to nevermind, I took care of it and hung up. Have a safe trip, I hope I didn't spoil it for you. (gag, gag)

I'm sick this morning. I had a tickling cough all day yesturday and today I feel like I have a brick in my chest with a throat thats on fire. Just my luck, it has to happen on a Friday.

I'm going to get the kids tonight. I have the night off. IF we can get home at a reasonable time, I think we may just have yard night. Kids in the sandbox and me working on flower beds/herb garden and mowing. If I'm not too deathly ill by the end of today, I'll see if I can pick up the two hours I'm short this week tomorrow morning. I also have to work my shift at the Steakhouse, although I might see if one of the fill-in girls want it.

And G-Man...I totally understand. If I could I would drag you and I out of our busyness and force us to have a drink leave the rest behind. I still think you should do it regardless. Take some time for YOU this weekend. I'm gonna try...

Another Bad Day.

Right from the beginning to the end, it's been a bad day.

First, trying to reconcile the goals of the program I work for and the goals of the school I'm working in is nearly impossible. They want a TSS for the child. But sometimes they really don't want a TSS.

Second, giving up my Steakhouse job. I'm worried about income. I'm giving up my social life, because pretty much, the Steakhouse and my friends there have been it.

Third, I'm stressing about the final outcome still. Support petition dismissed...I still get what I have gotten the last three years. I'm so afraid nothing is going to change custody-wise. Screw the money. I want my kids to grow up well-adjusted rather than little control freak clones.

I'm afraid I made an error. I asked the ex to watch the kids for me for an extra hour and a 1/2 after work so I could keep the last minute appointment to get new tires. He called me at work and explained rather laughingly that he has expensive tickets to a show and he just can't not go. I called back and left a message that he claimed poverty to the court, it must be nice to be able to go to a show. He has no qualms about letting me drive an hour to pick up the kids and then refuse to let me have them when he wants to play house with his girlfriend. That he was so considerate in enrolling Dalton into a preschool 68 miles away, that I will now have to drive on a bad tire and hope it doesn't blow. That I will AGAIN be short hours at work. It was my turn for a tangent. I'm so frustrated...I have made all of the sacrifices because of his wandering penis. Screw around and screw your wife in the process. Now why can't I get a handle on that mentality???

The good news. I still get child support. I got home early tonight. But I'm home and so friggin lonely.

Ugh

It's a 13 hour work day. I'm getting extremely, increasingly frustrated with the lack of time for ANYTHING. I feel like I need the additional income of my second job, but I have no life. More than that, I have no mowed lawn which is getting higher and higher and no hope of having time to mow the ungodly thing for another 3 days. I put my notice in at the Steakhouse. I was very sad to do it, they are all my friends, employees and customers alike, and I have had some very good times there.

I'm running a little late. I'm waiting for clean clothes to dry...another hazard of my lack of time. I can't function for at least 15 minutes after waking in the morning and so now, I have 15 minutes for my clothes to dry, get make-up'ed and head out. My enthusiasm for my day job is waning. When my client is doing as she is supposed to, I sit. And I sit. And I sit. I even asked the teacher to send some busywork my way. But still I sit. And try not to fall asleep. God I want to teach.

Some interesting things. The Blue Sloth has some great things going on at his blog. I would link it but I don't know how and don't have time to figure it out. You can visit through the link on the right. The man is amazing. I'm lucky to keep the spam out let alone do anything interesting.

Brando, at One Child Left Behind, talks about his Tequilacon '06. Man I wish I could have been there.

A few updates: Nothing new on custody, it's a waiting game again. The ex is slightly more reasonable with the exception of one major tangent.

Got a card in the mail stating my teaching application is received and there are openings for the position applied for. They will be in touch if I'm selected for an interview.

My car is headed south and no its not a trip. One back door won't open at all now and it was brought to my attention that the wires are showing half way around my front tire. When do I have a free hour to get it fixed??? I don't. Hey maybe my ex will give me some tires like 2 years ago. Both had slow leaks.

I'm out. I'm going to 'fake a smile and get the coffee to go'. I hope it's sunny today.

Tid bits

Things I can share at this moment from what my attorney told me in his conference with the judge and other attorneys:

Things will change in our custody arrangement.

My ex's idea to have his son testify was a horrible idea. If he had listened to the mother of his child, he might have saved a lot of heartache for everyone.

Discussing his lifestyle before presenting a tax return with a $20, 000 a year income was probably a bad idea too.

Things I gained from this experience:

I'm not crazy. I no longer have to worry that no one will believe whether the madness I have lived with for the last 13 years, especially the last 3, is true or not. My ex-husband truly and completely let himself be seen.

That no matter what the new arrangement, whether full or a more generous partial custody, I will be my sons mom. I will always be a good mom, and I will be here for them no matter what may occur in their future.

And this may seem difficult to understand, especially if you haven't experienced emotional abuse, but I found a bit of validation for myself with these psychological exams. As I have stated before, I have constantly felt insecure about myself. I rarely do or say anything that I don't second guess. With my MMPI, which I guess is the 'lie detector' for the entire exam was, as the psychologist said, 'squeaky clean'. Meaning I was honest. Which I knew I was, but I was so freaked out by the whole thing that I guess I just did what I do...second guess. This guy said I was intelligent, socially adept and confident (go figure). All the things I strived to be, but for 6 years heard nothing but 'stupid, incompetent, and ugly.' And so, the devil on my shoulder, the spot in my being that holds the self-critic, the second guesser, is getting smaller and less significant. But he may truly never fade completely.

I may not have lived up to the expectations of some, but I'm very proud of myself. I finished a degree, even when there were months I had to beg the salvation army to help with my rent for the month, or collect movies and whatever to sell at a pawn shop for gas money. I lived through bankruptcy, and still have hopes to buy a house someday. I'm completely self-sufficient again for the first time in 12 years. It's been a hard road. Very hard. I have been very near the bottom of the barrel, but I never lost my home and always found a way to keep my car running.

During the hearing, it was insinuated that I was a royal loser. That I have part-time jobs because I just don't want to work. They had even used my social security number to try to access my online account with the Praxis testing site to say that I haven't even bothered to take the certification exams. You can imagine the feeling I had when I entered my teaching certificate into evidence and when I explained that I did in fact have my resumes 'out there'.
"I'm so sorry sweetheart, you underestimated this loser."

Two years ago almost to the month, after a day in court, I wrote this:

Tsk, tsk
a slap on the wrist
"you are not fit"
so they say,
let me ask,
who is. Who is?
the hermit?,
the guy with the gun?
the psychotic, control freak?

Wax, wane
this world is insane
nothing makes sense
what sense?
love,
love is lame
if its not
backed with a buck
love
is enough
so they say
but it doesn’t
fill you up,
hold you up
like cars
like stuff...
what does it all mean?
What does it mean?
Nothing.

Shudder, choke
what freakin’ joke
too tough
give it up
give it up
he sighed
then he lied.
am I stupid?
am I blind?
so sad,
so what do I do
what do I do?
Stand in these
new shoes
too blue
to give up
to step back
to continue.

Tsk tsk
was it worth a risk?
Who knows.
Do you?
Do you?
Tell me now
what is right?
What is reason?
It’s the pits
do you believe
this shit?
Here’s a twist..
Pucker up
lets heal the world
with a kiss
and a band-aid.

It's been hell living like this. One more day guys. Just one more day of court.

Nightmares

It was a nightmare. An emotional gauntlet. I sat through testimony, lies and accusations that were too far fetched to believe it. And this is the father of my sons.

I was going to post the details of today, but I won't. It's not over, there may a third day of this. I really wanted it over today. The nausea, tension and emotion is overwhelming.

I don't dare hope for miracles. All I can ask is that my son's best interests are served. That there is some way to preserve my right to raise my sons as the mother they need.

When I do write about it, you will be appalled. It was a living nightmare. The ex was himself in full force.

Tomorrow

In 6 hours I get up and go to court. I'll be posting later, I guess it will depend on my mind frame tomorrow afternoon.

My ex subpoena'd his 13 year old son. The ex's attorney said the he wanted his son to hear what his mother was going to testify to (for me). It's sick.

I'm going to roll around in the bed, getting some restless unsleep before tomorrow. Thanks those that have posted positive thoughts and well-wishes for the last months/weeks.

In response to my new friend Val's question...this is it. Court. My last shot. I talked to my attorney tonight, and neither of us know what the results or recommendation is from the psychological studies. 3 days left. I'm so nervous my skin is practically crawling.

On the bright side, I picked up the kids tonight and we had a great time. We went to visit our friends for an hour, then to the park and to dinner. My youngest got his favorite, peel and eat shrimp and Derek a hotdog. This dinky little restaurant we go to in this dingy little town makes some of the best food. Fresh cut fries, and fresh sliced and fried potato chips. When we were leaving, we were at the counter paying and some other people got some lottery tickets. Dalton started pushing buttons and out popped a ticket. I insisted Derek take it to the people that were just there, even though he wanted to keep it. He did, and so I bought each of the boys their own (the one dollar ones). And as luck would have it, Derek won $10.00. I tried to explain the irony in what just happened, but it was lost on him. I did enjoy the experience of doing something good and getting something good. It doesn't happen all that often and so we must treasure the moments in which it does.

And so, I dropped the kids off again at their dad's. Dalton hugged me three times and wanted to know when the next time would be when he could 'go mommy's house'. I came home and had another bad stomach experience. I really thought dinner was going to settle better this time, but not so. I'm off to visit some blogs before I'm out for the night.

Well, teaching application was not out today. Tomorrow. I struggled over writing the philosophy...I know it sounds lame, but I have such insecurity at times. I wrote it tonight, but I still need a conclusion. I'll wake up early and take a fresh look at it tomorrow to finish and proofread. I really could use another pair of eyes before I ship it out. I'm up against some tough competition. I should be more confident. I've been told that when I put my mind to it, I'm a good writer...my attorney was impressed with some of my communications to the judge and my ex. We'll see. Cross your fingers.

I have so much going on this week. The countdown continues...4 days until court. My stomach is a mass of whirling acids these days. I get heartburn from water and vomit from kool aid. Sorry for the details, but it totally sucks. Today, I could hardly eat anything. When I do, I'm overwhelmed with nausea.

I'm on my way to bed. I finished most of what I meant to finish. The rest will be just a few loose ends to tie before work. But I have this feeling as walk about the house of...incompleteness. Like I can't go to bed yet, because something is missing. The only thing I can think of is that I haven't said good-night to anyone. And so, I say "Good-night anoles, good-night Iggy and Coco. Good-night bears and good-night chairs, good-night moon. And most importantly...good-night all my blogging friends."

There. I can sleep.

Bluenewt

For you, J.

I have a secret friend. Honestly, I do. The three year anniversary of our friendship is coming up in July. We met online, through HOT OR NOT. Our friendship has had all of the elements of any other friendship with one exception...we have never met. Not once. We exchange emails, IM's, pictures and talk on the phone usually once a month, more or less. We talk about everything under the sun...we laugh, cry and even once in awhile, drink together. We have had 'disagreements' and not talked for a time, but usually one of us will write and say "Come back!" We share poems, ideas, thoughts...In a way, we share every intimate detail of our lives save the face to face smile that most friends do.

I look forward to our phone chats. I was blessed with a short conversation today. He, once again, persevered with dignity the onslaught of my ranting and raving about my ex-husband all the horrors of that relationship. We talked about some books we read, our kids and Easter plans. It was just nice. I always feel human again after we talk. You know, instead of feeling like a washer stuck on the spin cycle.

So this is for you, my friend. Happy Easter. Sending hugs and kisses to the ever distant Southwest.

Mindy

P.S.

Oh yeah, finally got my 'professional certificate' in the mail. Resumes for the 3 openings at a local school are going out Monday. If nothing else, I will beat down doors if I have to. And I might. Wish me luck.

Here bunny, bunny

The kids and I are having an early and very short Easter. I played Easter Bunny tonight. Honestly, I love it. The kids went to sleep late, and Derek very nearly ruined it for himself by snooping in the closet for who knows what...my bad. What a dumb idea, putting everything right there in the kitchen closet. So they went to sleep and I went to work.

The Easter baskets the kids get are a work of art. I never buy the pre-made ones, I always do my own. This year, there was so much stuff I had to buy two bigger baskets that look alot like small laundry baskets. I filled them with WAAAYYY too much candy in spite of this years resolve to limit it.

So when everything was done, I chewed a carrot and let little pieces on the table with a bunch of jelly beans and just felt...like a large furry rodent looking for mischief. I totally got caught up in being Easter bunny. I hid the baskets so well that I left a note from bunny with clues as to where they are. I wish we had more time in the morning, I would have done some things outside as well.

I'm going to make the kids eggs and cinnamon rolls in the morning. I'm going to let them eat some of their candy but not enough to make them sick and them I'm taking them to their dad's. I may not have the quantity of time I would like, but they will have a quality Easter morning. Damn it.

Thunderstorms

It's going to be another sleepless night. I came home and thought I saw the flash of lightning. As it turns out, I did. I was reading a few blogs before bed and then came this huge crashing thunder. Seriously, I felt the floor shake for at least 10 seconds. I usually don't mind thunderstorms. Mostly when the boys are here...we all pile into my bed together. I'm alone tonight. The scarier storms remind me of when I was a child, about 7, when I learned about Armageddon from the Jehovah's Witnesses and thought every storm was the end of the world. I remember sitting on the floor crying in the livingroom while my mom tried to console me. I was an emotional child. I felt the weight of the world early on. I remember another time sitting on the stoop, listening to Meatloaf on a summer day at the same house...the one on Barber road. I cried and cried when I realized what the words were to "Heaven can wait". I was young then too...it was before I was in third grade, because we had moved from the house.

Anyhow. I'm not good weathering thunderstorms alone. And I'm still so tired I can't stand it. I have no clue when these resumes will get done, the Standard Teaching application filled out and a Philosophy of Education written. And my taxes. It's all just piling up. And emotions...today, my 'kid' at school wigged out. She has been through so much. I talked to her and plainly said that she was making it worse by screaming and running. I offered her alternative ways to express her feelings...no matter what she felt or needed to say I would be there... but she had to do it differently. She started to cry, silently and real tears...and I fought it but still the sting of tears came for this little kid.

I meant to call my sons from work, but before I realized it, it was after 8:00. The heavy weight of guilt fell and I called anyway. No answer of course, but I left a message that their father won't let them hear. I'll call them in the morning and will see them tomorrow night. I miss them.

I'm off to read a little more and will head to bed. Maybe the plinking of the raindrops on the rooftop will lull me into a deep, restful, satisfying and desperately needed sleep.

Another Day.

I can't seem to keep up. I'm a step behind in every avenue of my life. I scheduled an observation at work, and totally forgot about it. My client left for a home visit early and so my BSC will be observing nothing today. Shit.

I dragged at work last night. Literally had to force myself to smile at people coming in for their Steakhouse dining experience and really, I could care less about their experience or tip. I just wanted to come home and drop. But then, my co-worker met a guy from an internet site and she, another co-worker and he were meeting for coffee after work. I wasn't going to go...but then I realized the guy was CHARLIE (YES, I squealed at the top of my lungs and gave him a huge hug) and so went along. He is the younger brother of one of my best friends of 13 years...and we had so many funny stories to talk about and news to catch up on. It was very cool, but I stayed up very late and am now very, very, very tired.

I also had a chance to talk to my co-op from student-teaching about the job openings in the district. I was feeling positive until I heard that competition will be tough with an Administrators wife and head of the Head Start program at the school applying for the Kindergarden position and a well respected and faithful substitute applying for the 6th grade position. I really don't think I have a shot. But I will apply and see how it goes.

I still can't get any information about the ex's planned spring break trip. No idea when he leaves or comes back and every call is an argument. Every word is a slam. So I resorted to emailing the other ex-wife and things on her end are oh so miserable too...and she has no information about this trip either. Darwin has also decided that his twelve year old son that he doesn't have custody of should testify for him in court regarding our two. What a sicko. And other ex is livid...rightly so.

But now I have an unplanned 2 free hours so I have Easter baskets to put together, laundry piled high and a house to clean. My body tells me to plop my butt on the floor with a soft pillow and a movie...my head is telling me to get busy. I'm off the fight this battle until it is time to go to work with a forced smile, aching back and heavy eyelids.

Blue

It has been a busy day. Very busy. Trying to catch up on all of the mothering of two boys that I miss all week. We had a bit of a lazy morning. Went shopping for groceries, then to the Dollar Store, McDonalds for lunch, went to the movies (Ice Age: The Meltdown), and then to my mom's for a family Easter Egg hunt and picnic dinner. I'm beat. And the kids refuse to go to sleep.

I had another discussion about Easter weekend. Darwin says I can have the kids Friday, but wants them back at 10:00 a.m. So that means we have to have our Easter morning finished by 9:00. I told him that he refused me any of the boys in service days and an entire two weeks for winter and spring breaks, and asked if can't I at least keep them til noon. That started a round of...you get them the first two weeks of summer...you get them three weekends a month..and I said well you have them all week and take all of their days off. It literally drives him insane that there is even a small portion of this arrangement that he can't dictate the rules for. Then I realized he dragged me into this immature argument and finally said "Call me when you can decide to act like a 48 year old." People tell me...tell the judge, just tell the judge. But right now, I don't want leverage...as useful as it is. I want a fun and happy Easter morning with the boys.

I usually go to great pains on Sunday nights to make Monday mornings as simple as possible, but tonight I just want to go to bed. I have the kids clothes laid out, but not mine. Lunches need to be packed, medicine ready to send along...and I should document another altercation with the ex. I have three days of lasts weeks paperwork to catch up on for work. And several resumes to be modified, cover letters to write, all that stuff to be out in the mail by Wednesday. I have not one ounce of energy left. I'm exhausted.

I'm pretty good at being alone these days. It took me a very long time to be at least ok with it. But I have moments, like now, where I wish I wasn't. I guess it's not the first time I wrote this.

11 days left. I get sicker and more stressed as the countdown continues.