So...school is in session. Derek and Dalton are both here in the local school. Derek is playing football which allowed him a few friendships to buffer the beginning of a brand new classroom. Dalton has 'looped' with the same teacher he had last year in Kindergarten. I have a new client in Dalton's K-1 school, so there is no stress of getting the boys to school early enough to make it to work, when I drop them off, I am at work. Things are pretty good. Not perfect, sometimes hectic, but good.
There is a new 'love interest' in the works. It's only been three weeks, but I find I am very happy....at most times. Very nervous at other times. He's been attentive to put it mildly, does and says the right things...very good with the boys. But I seem to have this internal wall up that is suspicious of things that are too good. But then, they are not...he is in the beginnings of his own custody dispute with his ex that rivals my battle in its vindictiveness. I mean, how awful would it be to raise three children, one for 8 years, and find out that two were never yours??? But this scares me too. So, I'm hanging out and just seeing where it leads. And I'm enjoying the attention, I must say.
On my own kid front, well...still trying to pay the amount for the appeal. $2800 bucks. A little scared but it's not the worst fear I have felt in the last 4 years. Still thinking about the online courses for my masters in psychology...I need to take the leap, but nervous about the time I have available for classes and studying when I seem to have so little at the moment.
I'm ok. It was nice to hear from my pal, Kai!!!! And Val, who is an every faithful blog friend...and I'm so bad at it.
I ACTUALLY have a 'free' night. I'm thinking about removing the remainders of the toenail polish I put on in May, and repainting them. I might take a bath and then go out to have a drink. I might take a nap. Oh, the possibilities.....
Friday, August 31, 2007
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Ahhh...always a fool....
Tonight I'm a full glass that has been tipped....and the contents come rushing out, when what I really want is a slow drip so that I can write my thoughts coherently and fluently, but really I'm spilling. I'm hitting the floor with a big splash.
I'm a person divided. I'm a bitch and a slobbering pile of mush. I'm a hard worker and tired of working. I'm confident and scared. And I don't know how to sort it all out.
If you have read (if there is a you that has read) my prior posts, there is a guy named John who has been less than a positive experience in my personal life. I left myself open again, since circumstances changed since my last post, and find myself in the same boat. Only this time, I have been left behind for a night at the bar. And usually, this shouldn't bother me too much. But I found myself jealous, angry and generally treated with an air of disrespect and lack of consideration.
I don't love this guy. I don't miss him. I don't trust him. But I have now, three times, gotten lost in the idea of him. And if I can make this make sense, I will explain if for no other reason than it is one in the morning and I need to type. I am divided. I have relied on the fact that I can make my life work with no assistance. My day to day philosophy is that I have things I want and need and I can get them. Someone said to me last Friday, "so, you work like...24 hours a day?" No it's more like 14. But the thing is, if I stay home and have no plans, I might mope or I might do something constructive. If I work, I don't have any alternative. I work. I'm busy. I'm too busy to miss anyone. If I go to the Steakhouse, I have some money in pocket and I don't have time to think about being lonely, being unhappy, worrying. I come home and sleep. I get up and work. It's simply simple.
Enter John. I have a few moments reprieve of being alone. I look forward to a touch, a warm body, whether its watching a movie or being intimate, and I like it. It fucks up my 'independent needs no one' ideal. And I want. I want him to want to hang out with me. I start thinking about what a great thing a partnership would be. So I bought him flowers because his grandmother died and its been a rough week. He stops in and I knew right away he was going to the bar. I said so. I'm pissed. I don't say too much with too much emotion because (and I had to think about this) I learned way back when in my marriage that you can't just blurt out how you feel. You hold it in and give hints...that are missed or ignored. So he left. And I felt crappy. And I think, "you know what Mindy, you stupid fucking idiot, you work and you have your beautiful children, there isn't any more that you need."
There is a twist. He met my kids briefly. He stopped over and they were still up and I had to explain. I got one hundred questions, then came the thumps from upstairs, the face peeking around the corner with some silly excuse for coming down and meeting the person that is popping in for a visit. Giggling. It took my aback a little how excited they were. I guess I learned something. If I ever date someone, who actually deserves the privelege of sharing these two rambunctious boys, it would be ok. But I'm angry. He met my kids and my practical mom feeling is that he shouldn't have.
Which brings me to another subject. Derek and Dalton both told me, two weeks ago, that they think I should have a baby. My reply, a desperate one, was that well, guys, you need a daddy to have a baby. Their response was "well we have a dad". hmmmmm. And you know, honestly, I would do it in the right situation. I really would. I LOVED having my children, and to have another would be amazing.
What I want a family, a home and something warm and comforting. What I do is throw myself into a flurry of activity that leaves no room for disappointment or opportunity. What I want makes me vulnerable. What I do makes keeps me safe.
And I'll probably just keep being busy. I just don't know how to do anything else.
I'm a person divided. I'm a bitch and a slobbering pile of mush. I'm a hard worker and tired of working. I'm confident and scared. And I don't know how to sort it all out.
If you have read (if there is a you that has read) my prior posts, there is a guy named John who has been less than a positive experience in my personal life. I left myself open again, since circumstances changed since my last post, and find myself in the same boat. Only this time, I have been left behind for a night at the bar. And usually, this shouldn't bother me too much. But I found myself jealous, angry and generally treated with an air of disrespect and lack of consideration.
I don't love this guy. I don't miss him. I don't trust him. But I have now, three times, gotten lost in the idea of him. And if I can make this make sense, I will explain if for no other reason than it is one in the morning and I need to type. I am divided. I have relied on the fact that I can make my life work with no assistance. My day to day philosophy is that I have things I want and need and I can get them. Someone said to me last Friday, "so, you work like...24 hours a day?" No it's more like 14. But the thing is, if I stay home and have no plans, I might mope or I might do something constructive. If I work, I don't have any alternative. I work. I'm busy. I'm too busy to miss anyone. If I go to the Steakhouse, I have some money in pocket and I don't have time to think about being lonely, being unhappy, worrying. I come home and sleep. I get up and work. It's simply simple.
Enter John. I have a few moments reprieve of being alone. I look forward to a touch, a warm body, whether its watching a movie or being intimate, and I like it. It fucks up my 'independent needs no one' ideal. And I want. I want him to want to hang out with me. I start thinking about what a great thing a partnership would be. So I bought him flowers because his grandmother died and its been a rough week. He stops in and I knew right away he was going to the bar. I said so. I'm pissed. I don't say too much with too much emotion because (and I had to think about this) I learned way back when in my marriage that you can't just blurt out how you feel. You hold it in and give hints...that are missed or ignored. So he left. And I felt crappy. And I think, "you know what Mindy, you stupid fucking idiot, you work and you have your beautiful children, there isn't any more that you need."
There is a twist. He met my kids briefly. He stopped over and they were still up and I had to explain. I got one hundred questions, then came the thumps from upstairs, the face peeking around the corner with some silly excuse for coming down and meeting the person that is popping in for a visit. Giggling. It took my aback a little how excited they were. I guess I learned something. If I ever date someone, who actually deserves the privelege of sharing these two rambunctious boys, it would be ok. But I'm angry. He met my kids and my practical mom feeling is that he shouldn't have.
Which brings me to another subject. Derek and Dalton both told me, two weeks ago, that they think I should have a baby. My reply, a desperate one, was that well, guys, you need a daddy to have a baby. Their response was "well we have a dad". hmmmmm. And you know, honestly, I would do it in the right situation. I really would. I LOVED having my children, and to have another would be amazing.
What I want a family, a home and something warm and comforting. What I do is throw myself into a flurry of activity that leaves no room for disappointment or opportunity. What I want makes me vulnerable. What I do makes keeps me safe.
And I'll probably just keep being busy. I just don't know how to do anything else.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Its Friday morning.
I'm at my computer, drinking my coffee and trying to wake up. I can see my coneflowers peeking through my window. It's hazy, the sun is a beautiful, glowing ball of reds, oranges and yellows. It's going to be another hot day.
I made it through another week, but summer is winding down. I was reminded that I signed up for 'parent volunteer' for soccer last week and it seems I am THE parent volunteer, not sure I know what this means...but a friend said she ended up coaching practices (I'll scream, if this happens). Derek is playing football, he has his uniform and I think he would just wear it everywhere if he could. I'm hoping the 'dad' keeps up with the commitment. Its going to be tough, with football tues, 530-7, soccer and football thurs 430-7. Games sat and sun. I wonder if we'll get dinner at all on Thursdays??? Uh, and homework???
But, for today, I get the monsters after work. Jana Losey is singing at Ten West Espresso at 730, and I'm hooking up with the teacher who taught my client in school last year to go and listen. Jenny is just the most wonderful person who could make anyone laugh to tears. It's gonna be a good day.
I gotta run, have to be finished my ramblings for the moment. Have some pics to post someday when I have a free two minutes.....!
I made it through another week, but summer is winding down. I was reminded that I signed up for 'parent volunteer' for soccer last week and it seems I am THE parent volunteer, not sure I know what this means...but a friend said she ended up coaching practices (I'll scream, if this happens). Derek is playing football, he has his uniform and I think he would just wear it everywhere if he could. I'm hoping the 'dad' keeps up with the commitment. Its going to be tough, with football tues, 530-7, soccer and football thurs 430-7. Games sat and sun. I wonder if we'll get dinner at all on Thursdays??? Uh, and homework???
But, for today, I get the monsters after work. Jana Losey is singing at Ten West Espresso at 730, and I'm hooking up with the teacher who taught my client in school last year to go and listen. Jenny is just the most wonderful person who could make anyone laugh to tears. It's gonna be a good day.
I gotta run, have to be finished my ramblings for the moment. Have some pics to post someday when I have a free two minutes.....!
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