Misery

My face hurts. I have a killer sinus infection and I feel like the left side of my face is going to explode off from my head at any minute. I worked hard to make the last day with the kids before they are off to their dad's for the week fun and special. But boy, have I been (feeling) miserable all friggin day. And at the moment, I can't sleep.

I'm soothing myself with "Failure to Launch". I hope it's good. But surely Matthew McConaughey's butt could make a girl forget about an exploding face. The shirtless, muscley clip nearly worked already!!!

But god. The kids leave tomorrow. Where did the week go? It's gonna be lonely here....

More stuff.

I'm supposed to be getting ready for work and getting kids ready to spend the day with their dad instead of the babysitter. I gave in. The babysitter sits and thats all. I'm getting tired of seeing the boys spending their summer quite bored out of their minds and I at least if they go to their dad's I know that they will have something to do with or without their father. They will PLAY. Kids need to play. Especially OUTSIDE!

More on the sister's boyfriend's friend issue. I caved mildly, he was quite persistent throughout the weekend. On Sunday, he tried to be 'huggy' which made me highly uncomfortable, especially with the kids around. My mom made the comment when asking if I liked him, that if a guy comes on too strong, I don't want anything to do with him. You got it mom. If I don't have time to decide I like you, then I'm not gonna like you.

Number one: They all went out together, sister, mom, dad, bf, bf friend. I didn't go because I had the boys. They called, bf friend says he is going to stick to me like glue on Sunday before they leave. I was at my mom's at one. Bf friend left with dad to look for Indian artifacts...didn't show til six. I'm not mad, just building my case.

Number two: BF friend says he will call. Insists he did, but no message or ID on phone. Still not mad, but strike two.

And so the rest of the story. He is not really working at the moment. Says he wants to move up here to this area. So I did call him and talked to him. Gave him the experience of an ex who had no job and tried to move himself in with me. A round about hint that I don't take strays. Listed all the reasons why it is a bad idea in the form of questions/discussion but I don't think he got the point. Next on the list, explain that he can't move here for me. If he wants to, fine, but he's got to find a place to live, a job and all that all by himself. Cuz I still don't think I like him in 'that way'. On the other hand, a boyfriend would be nice. But I've long since learned to control that urge with practicality.

On another note: My job. I'm working 25 hours a week, but totally beat on my days off. My average mileage for one day with my client is 150 miles. 450 miles a week. For my expenses, I'm getting about double of what I spend, which is ok, but it's going to reap havoc on my barely kept together piece of junk. I'm getting home at around 6:00 pm, with barely enough ambition to make dinner. But then I don't want to divide the hours up into 5 days, because I lose two more hours a week travel time, and would put extra miles on the car going back and forth. Everyone I have talked to says that you burn out quickly as a TSS. I'm feelin' it. I have a week off next week. My pocket will be empty but I'm thinking it will be a much needed break.

I could write and write and write, but I'm going to make myself late.

Val, you'll have to send me some of those stories!!!

Just for fun.

You're a Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romanceYou love to kiss under the stars or by the seaThe perfect kiss involves the perfect moodIt's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Thinking out loud silently

Driving time is my thinking time. I can drive hours and hours and eat it up with thoughts. Nights like tonight, my thoughts included some self evaluation.

I have been unwittingly 'set-up'. Yesturday I went to my moms for a care free day with the kids hanging out with her at the pool. Then my sister called. She's bringing her new boyfriend and her boyfriends friend. Great. Now I have to hide myself in a shirt and comb my hair. Ducky.

So here we are the fifth and sixth wheel. I hate it. HATE IT! Granted he seems to be a nice enough guy, good looking...and of course, I do as I do, be polite and converse..yada yada...then the mild flirtations, yada yada...(not on my part)...and so tonight I talked to him a bit and it was ok, but still I know I probably won't give him the time of day.

And so I ask myself, why not?? In the old days, I probably would have toyed with the idea of dating him. Now, I have made sort of a snap judgement. My sister has accused me in the past of being snooty. I'm not snooty, I just get a vibe. It either works or doesn't work. And in the brief conversation I had with this guy I am pretty sure it wouldn't. And so, I find myself asking what it is that I'm looking for. What do I think I'm supposed to find??

The best way I can explain it, to myself or anyone else, is that I'm looking for direction. Someone with a good idea of what to expect from life...not someone waiting for life to happen. Maybe that's maturity...wanting to know what to expect from someone else.

I'm still not explaining it well. But while I was doing all this thinking in the car, this thought struck me...

I want a lighthouse...not the brightest star in the sky, or the sparkle of diamond. Just the muted light of a lighthouse with solid foundation, strength to weather the worst of storms, and a light that draws me home.

Is that corny or what??? And so this is the beginning and end of my love life. Thoughts gathered, analyzed and put away to collect mental dust.

Time to get some sleep, two boys will be ready to run in the morning. Sweet dreams everyone.

New do, new me....

CH, CH, CHECK IT OUT! I did it. I got my hair, well, trimmed, but highlighted. I think it is cool as hell, probably because it has been 14 years since I have done anything color-wise to my hair. 4 hours in the chair and I'm refreshed and feeling like a new woman. Roxy even put my hair up in an up-do for work. She did a much better job than I would have. I felt like I should have been going to the prom instead of heading to the restaurant. Ahh well, it's a woman's thing. (And I don't know why my pic is blurry and blue.)

Anyhow, it was money well spent. And there was

a lot of it spent this week after $250.00 of repairs for my car inspection. But that feels good as well since it's all taken care of for awhile (crossing fingers). The day before taking it to the garage I had to stop to get a bungy cord to tie up my muffler to keep it from dragging it around all day. I tried ripping it off but it was clamped...

So this is my big news of the week. I have to run as I'm supposed to be at a training session tomorrow so I'm gonna need some sleep. And of course I will want to play with my hair before I leave so thats an extra hour in the morning....



Take care everyone! BBL!

I'm totally feeling like Monday

I'm sitting here. That's about it. I have a list of things to do a mile long and yet, here I sit. No interesting emails to read and respond to, no one to chat with... I'm looking for any mindless waste of time I can find as that is all I feel capable of at the moment.

My car is in the shop eating money. I hate the feeling of being carless. It's like I have lost my legs. I may not have anywhere to go, but I know I can't if I wanted to. I hate it.

The weekend was good. I made quite a bit of money at the Steakhouse and my kids had a nice time with my mom and dad for two evenings. Sunday we went to my employer's lake house for an employee picnic and that was awesome. Well, right up until the kids had to return the baby turtle and crayfish to the lake which brought on a couple of unusually explosive set of tantrums just as we were leaving and in front of all of my co-workers and employers. Embarrassing, to say the least. But, the boys were tired, and we are all sick with summer colds, so I attribute some of the behavior to a general feeling of unwellness. I am feeling particularly crappy today. I'm thinking that I'm in the sinus infection stage because I have been dizzy all morning. Which leads me to my lack of ambition this very moment. NO MORE NYQUIL FOR ME! That stuff knocked me out, but made me feel horrible the next morning. I took a 1/2 dose yesturday and felt like I was going to be sick. I even had to take a bucket to bed with me just in case.

Tomorrow is 'hair' day. I havent' had it cut in a year. Getting highlights. My friend Tina has been telling me for two weeks she can't wait to see it. Last Thursday she asked me if she could come with me. She said that I will probably be there for 3 or 4 hours so she would keep me company. I love that girl! I had been contemplating cancelling because it's going to cost quite a bit, but it's time I did something for myself. So...here goes. I need a change.

I'm going to quit blabbing and start knocking things off my list. I'll kick myself for the rest of the week for wasting an entire day...It's a good thing no one is around because I would happily sit here feeling shitty doing nothing. Maybe if I get it all done, I will treat myself to that movie Tina and I have been talking about seeing. Over and out.

Small stuff

Such a busy weekend it's been. I'm sick of working and looking forward to a free day tomorrow.

I went out on a limb tonight, and not sure how well it was received. I asked to a coworker to stop over and share a couple of beer's. A male co-worker. To be honest, it was pretty much a platonic invitation; however, it was refused for very good reasons, but leaves me feeling like a bit of an ass. I guess this is why I don't take these chances.

On the other hand, the kids and I are quite ill with colds and so I guess it's for the best. I just took some Nyquil and have a good buzz going on. This is some good shit! LOL. So thats why they won't let you buy a bunch of it at once.

I had gone to the store to get something for relief of the congestion the boys and I are having. I rarely, if ever, take anything. But I was interested in sleeping tonight and so bought some Nyquil. I also got the kids some children's cold and flu meds. Do you know that they will not let you buy TWO cold medicines at once? What the hell is with that anyway?

Oh my, this is going to knock me out. Vision is beginning to blur and if I were speaking, I would probably slur. This is why I usually don't take this stuff, it totally hits me hard. I wonder if you get a hangover from nyquil? Ugh. I'm passing out before I further embarrass myself. Sweet dreams all....

Sperm donor

My father called. As usual, he called to be nosy. I, in a weak moment, told him I was thinking of buying a car, namely a used jeep grand cherokee. Immediately, it started. The rant...don't even look at that car, the mileage is too high, the price is too high, blah, blah, blah. Not friendly advice, but an insistent order to not look at the car. Then I told him my step-dad was going with me to look at it. Oh god, then I heard how he knows nothing, look at what he drives, on and on and on. That got my goat. Usually I use placate the situation with an ok and change of subject...but today, I nailed him. This time, he hung up on me.

I told him to just come out and say I'm a loser, because every time I talk to him about a personal decision or situation he goes on a tangent about how wrong I am. He said no you aren't...more blabbing and then back to the "do not even look at this car". In a nutshell, I told him that he is really good at giving orders, but also really good at not being around. He has never been around. "You tell me what to do, but when it comes to the nuts and bolts you aren't available and you never have been. Pop (my step-dad) has always been there. You don't offer advice, you dictate." His response, "Fine, do what you want, just don't call me when you are in bind." I said "I don't! I havent' called you in several months! I go to the ones who have been here (my mom and step dad), who care enough to be involved!" If he thinks I'm worried about $83,000 dollars in his "I'm so worried about my children after they are all grown" will money, he's got another thing coming. I'm not letting him dwell in this wonderful father fantasy, when he's not matched my step dad on his worst day parenting in his entire life. Let's ask the son he gave up for adoption who later had a miserable, abusive childhood or the daughter he hasn't seen since she was 5 (now in her thirties). Even me, the quiet mediator, has her fill after awhile.

The latest here...D and the new wifey are shacked up, and in the in love stage of the fifth divorce. He was a very unhappy camper, argued with me about returning a borrowed shirt Derek wore for his concert since he sent him in a dirty one. He was extremely grumpy, I almost feel badly for the flavor of the month. Dalton cries frequently now when I drop him off...giving me many good bye hugs, standing at the door watching me leave, crying. My heart breaks even more lately, I hear D discipling Dalton for his crying over my leaving, warning him that he'll go to bed early, go to the chair. What a miserable way to deal with your child's sadness.

Enough bitching. I'm whipped. I'm sad for my kids. I'm wondering how my life will turn out. But I do feel pretty good about telling my sperm donor what I felt. Such is life.

I'm out of it these days

I have not been a very good blogger of late...my apologies!! I'm so out of touch with everything these days. The last free weekend I had I whooped it up with my friends for some fun time, but everything in between is simply CRAZY!! I can barely keep up with myself.

Next week I have a break, if you could call it that. I don't work as a TSS, since my client is not approved for hours for the next ten days. However, several of those days are full of all the appointments, chores and training I have been putting off for weeks, and continue filling up by the minute. Not to mention my neglected home front.

Today, I'm exhausted. I have been RUNNING up until this very moment where I have two 'free' hours before I'm up and running again. Monday started with an 11 hour day. 9 of those with my day job, 2 unplanned at the Steakhouse since I went in for dinner and ended up bartending while my boss went to play basketball. But hey, when he offered the dinner of my choice for free (Prime rib...yum!...with leftovers for lunch) and twenty bucks who could resist?? I work at the restaurant Friday and Saturday, and several days next week.

I'm going to veg. I have lots of pictures to share, and someday I just may do that! Lots of love to all. Bear with me!! (Or do I mean 'Beer with me!'?)