Summer Escape

The kids and I haven't taken a vacation in 3 years. So what we do is take day adventures to local hideaways like this. I used to come here as a child once in awhile, and this was the first time I brought Derek and Dalton, even though it's only 25 miles out of town. Getting there, it felt like I was driving forever. We made stops along the way, but the goal was to find the spot along the 'creek' called Big Falls. It's nearly impossible! You cannot see the water from the road, the trees are very dense and the only way to get to the creek is to hike down one of the very well hidden and very steep paths along this rather primitive dirt road. There were just a few people scattered along the way with their dogs and so one of them clued me in. Big Falls is marked with a faded red X painted on a tree stump next to the path. I don't have a picture of Big Falls, but if you can imagine, it's a small rock water fall with cliffs on both sides. There is a small, very cold, deep pool at the end. There is a rope set up that you can swing from into the water, but some of the crazier people climb the trees on the opposite side and jump the 30 feet down. I also took my little red-headed, too brave for her britches neice, Babe (Sierra), who talked a teen-ager into jumping off the cliff with her, since I was watching Dalton. She jumped, and jumped...once Derek went up with her, but looked down and walked back. I remember that feeling as a kid.
The really cool thing is that everywhere you stop along the way on the creek, theres a different landscape. The kid's love the critter-hunting value of the area more than anything else! Welcome to rural Pennsylvania!!

Lizard Lovers

Well, I whined and cried again. I feel so stupid when I write such a depressing post...but every couple of days something new happens and it drags me down. The need to vent is just overwhelming. Today, I'm going to write about Iggy. He's been a loyal friend for almost three years and it seems like a good topic because today the kids and I went shopping for him. He also had a bath for a change, I heard that iguanas like their baths, but Iggy didn't seem to happy about it.

I never dreamed that I would own, and really LIKE, a reptile. I guess I never thought a reptile would have much of a personality, but he really does! I first obtained Iggy when my mom's friend asked her if she knew anyone that would like to have an Iguana. Of course, for God knows what reason, my mom thought of me. She knows that the boys LOVE any kind of animal, especially reptiles. So, I said sure. I had no clue. None. I got him some Iguana staples at the local pet shop, asked some questions about an Iguana's needs...and proceeded to listen to a story about a woman who received 7 stitches in the face after her long time friend bit her. Nice. THAT didn't make me paranoid. I met Iggy at this woman's house, and he kind of freaked me out. He has never been contained, so cool. Her instructions were that you have to talk babytalk to him before you approach him, let him run free, and feed him an egg once a week with his fruits and veggies. So I took him with a "here we go wittle iggy wiggy, good wittle boy", and put him in the car. I put him between my mom and I in front seat of the car. The kids were in the back, and Dalton was a little nervous about this weird looking creature as well. We're driving along, and Iggy wants to wander. He did...up my arm and onto my shoulder. I looked at him through my peripheral vision as I was driving, and guess what I saw? Teeth. Big Iguana teeth that would mar my face forever. And his mouth wasn't even open. Then he began to travel further upward, I guess for a better view, onto the top of my head. He has these nice long skinny toes that got tangled in my hair so much so that I had to stop along the road for my mom to detangle him. That was the beginning. It took a long time to get used to this creature in my house. He has always had free reign. For awhile, the kids and I played "find the leezard" every morning. I would walk around the corner from the kitchen and he would scare the crap out of me, because I forgot a scaly crawler was on the loose. But he has wormed his way into our hearts. And he has survived a crazy household.

About Iggy. When he's hungry he sits in front of the refridgerator. When he gets the chance, he crawls into it. A babysitter had to call her dad one night because she couldn't/wouldnt' get him out. When I feed him, he doesn't look at the pile of food in front of him, he goes right for my hand, not viciously, but because he's spoiled and it so much easier to have the food put in front of your mouth than to bend over that 1/2 inch. In the summer he runs toward an open door to get out. I let him out pretty freely, I check on him every so often. He comes back and waits at the door at dusk. When he's in a bad mood and doesn't want affection, he'll swat at you with his front leg. When he does want attention, he'll come into the living room while you're watching t.v. and crawl up your back, and scare the shit out of you. He will close his eyes, put his head up and lean into you as you stroke him. If he doesn't like something, like an offer of unwanted food, he'll turn his head and close his eyes as though he refuses to acknowledge your presence.

You have to be a special person to stroke a rough, scaly creature and find pleasure in it! So, I'm hooked. The kids and I went to a pet store today to look around, and you'll never guess! We came home with two more reptiles, anoles. Derek has claimed them as his very own, and Dalton got his favorite...a hermit crab he named Coco. Coco is a wild one, he's actually in a bird cage at the moment and seems to think that hanging from the top is the ticket to freedom. He's on his third trip up. The anoles are adorable, very small and friendly to handle. Tonight, instead of sleeping, Derek asked me about getting more. He wants the black and yellow monitor and some tree frogs. The child is ecstatic about his pets. Finally when he settled down, he asked me if I would take care of them while he was at his dad's. As I left him to sleep, I told him, "sweet dreams...dream of playing in the rainforest with lots of beautiful reptiles!" He smiled and nodded.

Fear

My exhusband played another sick game today. For tonight, I lost. The closer to April 21st we come, the more desperate and obvious the games become. Today he began an all out war in front of the kids. He used their young impulses to his advantage and coordinated events to get his way. Control Freak: you will never realize what this means until you meet one, a true one. One that loses a sense of logic when faced with loss of control. He refused to release the kids to me on my night of custody. I left in tears, again. At one point he was in my face yelling at me, saying "why can't they stay? I'm not going to make them go". (His girlfriend and her daughter were there, he conveniently wasn't home when I tried to pick them up before they arrived. He followed her up the driveway). He could have taken this weekend for his one weekend a month. He could have not told the kids they were coming. He could have made and already tough situation easier. Instead, I had to ask a 48 year old man if he really needed to argue about this in front of our children. I had to ask him if this is something he really wants the kids to remember.

On Wednesday, he told me I was a waste of name. He threw a letter I wrote back in my face. We can't communicate any other way. He's the worst kind of cruel. Ruthless and unfeeling. And to be honest, his actions have been so blantantly manipulative, that I'm afraid. He's always been so sneaky about it. Somethings wrong. He's told one person, that I know of, he wants me dead. When his other ex wife sued and gained custody of his first son, he lost it. He tried to get his lawyer disbarred. He conducted a hidden campaign against the judge at reelection, and wrote letters to the local paper bashing him. He talked about running to Italy or having his ex killed. He took a lot of it out on me.

I had a great couple of days. I really did. And here it is Friday...and I'm wondering why I ever married someone who makes every encounter living hell. How I couldve chosen someone who can't let go of complete control for the overall good of his kids.

In an unrelated, related train of thought...I was thinking that last couple of days, if I ever find someone willing to deal with a lot of baggage, that the greatest attribute he could have is kindness. Yesturday, an older gentleman ran to the door to open it for me at the store. Tonight, one older gentleman handed me the money for his check..one pile he said was for the boss, the other he kindly handed me and said "this is for you." Then there was Mr. Anderson. Mr. Anderson comes into the restaurant with friends, his wife is in a home with Alzheimers, and always treats you with the greatest respect. There is just something so kind about him. Like you are a person worthy of all the respect and appreciation anyone deserves, even if you are just a waitress. And he always leaves at least a 30.00 tip, regardless of the amount he spends. I felt grateful to just have the opportunity to wait on such a gentle soul. I wonder, where are all the Mr. Anderson's? How difficult is to be kind and considerate? What component in my ex-husbands genetic makeup contributes to his utter lack of concern for anothers well being?

I'm very tired. I'm missing my sons. I'm going to bed.

"You had a bad day..."

I drove home from the Steakhouse to Daniel Powter's "Bad Day". I pulled into my driveway and sat in my car just to finish listening to it. A very fitting end to my day.

"You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost..." My day started out pretty well. Everything went smoothly, really it did. But it was a hard day. Too much emotion. Too few ideas. Misguided assumptions. I went from the school, to a meeting, to the Steakhouse. I was there early, and alone, and when I sat down at the bar I lowered my head and let the tears fall. There was little magic today. My physical, mental and emotional resources were stretched. I just didn't feel like enough. I thought that a big heart was an asset but I'm reaching the realization that it is also a huge liability.

So I'm going to "sing a sad song just to turn it around", sleep on it, and start fresh tomorrow.

"You had a bad day...Oooooo, you had a bad day..."

Hair

Me at 17
Ok, so I have been threatening with this post for awhile. My hair. It has been growing and growing and growing forever. I haven't had a short do since high school. I told myself that I would cut it at 25. I didn't. Then I said I would definitely need a change at 30. And I didn't. And now I'm thinking 35. Maybe. Or maybe something new for work now? Whenever I do get it cut, well, trimmed, people turn around and ask..."is she getting it cut?" "How short are you getting it?" "You could always donate it." Even when I have it pulled up, the girls at the Acorn (convenience store near my house) will say "Did you get you hair cut?" Then there is one of the girls I work with who nags me about it. "You should get it cut like mine, it could be so fun and flirty!" Fun and Flirty...hmmm. Yeah. Way too much time thinking about what I should do with my mop. Last summer I went in for a cut, asked her to take off 3-4 inches, and made her stop at one. My hair obsession started in high school. I had this awesome hairdresser that, honest to God, was practically a magician. I had every kind of hair style you could imagine. A bob, straight and permed. A shag, straight and permed. Layered short, layered long...bangs, and no bangs. But now, it's just long. Sometimes I get brave and add layers like this (at 29) <-, sometimes I straighten it or do the bedhead thinglike this -> (I'm the cavewoman!). And sometimes I forget for an entire year to get it cut at all and it ends up like this (at 31, and yeah, it grows like wildfire)-> At present (I don't have a recent picture) it's layered, the shortest is at my elbow, the longest is, well, to my tush. So now I'm thinking maybe it's time to get a grown-up haircut. But then should I go short right away, or do it in increments? But if I do it in one fell swoop, at least I can let go of my vanity for some good, I could donate it. So, if you have an opinion, feel free to write it. If you think I need a life...say it, I certainly deserve it for a post like this. Kaicito, I do not yet have bald spots...but hey, you never know when a friendly tip will come in handy, since in my family we don't get gray, what a relief! The five hairs I will have left at 60 will all be brown.

I promise to not post another post so shallow. Maybe I should shave my head to leave some think space for something important. Nah.

"Mommy, you be da dragon!"

That was my assignment per Mr. Dalton, aka Bubba. Mommy be da dragon. He has no idea how undragonlike I feel right now. I barely kept my eyes open for dinner. But I was da dragon. I pulled myself up out of my comfy chair and invaded a castle of pillows, blankets and a futon. In spite of my lethargy, I dragged two young boys out from under a futon and consumed them with all the enthusiasm I could muster. When Derek started whining about scraping his leg on the side of the funton, I said in my most dragon-like voice "Good! I can eat the injured prey much more easily!" I ferociously kissed his face all over and the boo boo went away. Maybe this was just what I needed, as I now feel quite awake again. Awake enough to put two boys in their night-time dungeon. And maybe I'll even do the dishes floating in the moat.

Derek's painting last fall
I have the ENTIRE weekend to myself with the boys. I get these so infrequently that when I have one...I relish it. I'm thinking of flying kites tomorrow, or maybe sitting with Derek to do some drawing. I would like to do some sketches of the boys, I have been meaning to start that for awhile now. It's been a long time since I have sat down with a sketch pad. Derek received three art-kits at Christmas, one of which is a sketching beginners set. The first thing he did after putting together his lego pirate ship on Christmas morning was sit down and use the book to draw a bird. I was impressed.

My drawing many moons ago

I'm afraid the monsters are STILL restless. Occassionally I let them sleep in 'Mommy's bed' as a weekend treat. They seem to have a severe case of the giggles. I tried to cuddle, but Dalton was concerned that he didn't have enough pillows (geesh, there are only 6 on the bed) and Derek kept shoving his feet under me, at my hipbone (my most ticklish spot), so once he discovered that there was no giving up. I quit cuddling in the hopes that they would pass out finally, but I still think I hear kid noises up there.
Maybe not. Good. I have time to visit some of my favorite blogs before bed. Oh, btw...Happy Saint Patrick's Day! Get pinched?? I tried, but no takers. Damn.

End of Week Notes

This week has been a very good week. With the exception of a few tears, and one backward glance to see if I was still present, I hardly felt needed today with my client. Yesturday I was on her like glue, today I took a step back to let her fly alone and she did fine. My initial happiness at my employment as a TSS was the fact that I'm in a classroom and getting a decent paycheck. Today, my happiness is derived from moments of a child's successes. Already I find myself worrying about her when she is 12, then 16...where will she be? And will she feel like I abandoned her because in the end, I have been hired to scaffold her for a short period of her life.

I find myself presented with challenges. My expertise is in teaching, accommodating an entire classroom of diverse students. I made my first mistake early, not realizing it until after it was too late. My job is to focus on one student. But I knew all the names of the entire class on the second day. I already have 'gifts' of pictures from a few of the other students. Today I tied the shoes of at least 4 children. I have to hold my tongue when I see the little things that kids do when they are supposed to be paying attention to instruction. I get asked for help ALOT with academics and REALLY have to limit myself, as my purpose in this employment setting is not to teach. But I do help a little. I can't help it.

On the flip side, there are benefits. As a teacher, you are limited in the time you can spend on the 'parenting' of a child. I know where my kid is at all times. I can spend as much time as it takes to modify a negative behavior and get her back to her lesson. I can wipe tears and take a walk. I can go to the nurses office to see if she's feeling better. I can stick to her like glue, or give her some space. It's really amazing what I'm learning and it will only make me a better teacher. I love my job. I really love kids.

Speaking of kids...I think I'm going to have Lori work my Friday night at the restaurant if she can. Yes, I need the money; however, the idea of an entire weekend with my sons is too tempting to not take advantage of. Friday is St. Paddy's Day, so we are going to do the green apple juice, corned beef and cabbage thing. If Saturday is nice, we're going to the park to fly kites. I called my sons yesturday while they were at their dad's. My youngest actually talked to me (he isn't fond of talking on the phone yet) and asked me if I was coming 'over'. He said to come after dinner to pick him up. I explained that Mommy had to work that night, but would see him Friday after school. And so, I want that extra time...screw the finances. It can wait a few more days.

Life is good. Catastrophies have subsided and hopefully two paychecks will prevent others from occurring. I've come to accept the single life and am now too busy to think much about it...so it eliminates my worry about being alone. For the first time, I feel like I may just be moving up the scale on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Being 32 might not be so bad after all. I may just hang here a couple more years. :)

My Second Day

My second day was mildly harder. I saw a glimpse of my 'kids' temper. We're still in the honeymoon period and although it took some time, my kid got back on track and actually had a few really great moments during the day. Today is another day, I'm very excited to see what its in store for us. One point of frustration for me already is that I'm missing a third of her school day. I feel like I need to be there more, and hopefully that will change.

Now MY sons...they had a good day yesturday as well. Derek started off kind of badly, but came home and impressed me with finishing his math homework in record time (and doing it correctly). AND he didn't even complain about dinner. Even if he likes what we have, usually there is a complaint. He's getting so grown up. And Bubba, well, he's mischievious as always, and always wants Mommy.

Me, well, this 8:30 to 9:00 all day running is getting hard to get used to. I went to bed a lot earlier than usual and still overslept. Ugh. I wanted to do some things here around the house before I leave today. At least I have 3 hours between jobs this afternoon. Whew. I really need some time to get my teaching resume and portfolio updated and out to several schools, too. Anyway, I'm stopping typing, downing some more coffee and am off to work. Have a great day all!!

First Day

Today was the first day, hands on, at the new job. I'm placed with a client in the school I student-taught in, so I'm fairly comfortable. I was pretty nervous in meeting my 'kid'. What do I do if she screams and kicks me, or just hates me??? It wasn't that way at all. Today was a very uneventful day, which I am told is highly unusual. I'm looking forward to this new experience. Already my kid has claimed ownership, I heard her in the lunch telling another student rather harshly "NO! She's here for ME!" I also got a big hug at the end of the day. So, it's a good start.

I feel very important. In my training, I had to read about advocacy and how we are not only there for redirecting and behavior modification but to be an advocate for our child. I listened to the other experiences of the TSS workers today. They see so many things. These kids are medicated, in foster care, being evaluated for special learning needs, being placed in foster and adoptive homes. I feel like I can make a difference, even though I'm pretty much on the low rung of the totem pole. I love it. I'm with kids and I'm still in a classroom.

I'm beat today though. I spent most of the day with my client. I had an hour and 15 minute break before running to a meeting. Then ran from the meeting to work at the restaurant until 9. I feel good though. Tired from a busy and productive day. I'm looking forward to another adventurous day tomorrow.

One penny closer...

A friend called me this afternoon. She told me I forgot to breathe. She calls me at times and tells me that I need a self-esteem cookie. She knows that my greatest struggle is the inner one, the one that I have to keep fighting in order to leap out into the great unknown instead of cowering in my dark, safe cave. I needed that self-esteem cookie today. I didn't realize it until I opened my mail. I don't know how she knows, she just does.

I have been feeling like a real person of late. Welfare mom sees herself coming up, with a credit card for a backup plan, a real job in the works (somewhat related to a hard-earned bachelor's degree) and a checking account because I will actually have something significant to deposit. I felt like a real person in spite of the worry. In spite of being $1, 300.00 in debt to my attorney. In spite of scraping to pay half the fees by the end of the week. In spite of the shut off notice for the end of the month with the gas company. In spite of dancing around the edge of financial devastation merely months after filing for bankruptcy. I have two incomes now. I can chip away at the debt a little more each month. And then I opened my student loan statement, that wasn't a statement. The company I consolidated my loans with merged or was bought by Sallie Mae. The terms of my loan had changed, and my hardship deferrment (which I have been thanking God for) was terminated. I opened it up and $77, 000.00 dollars slapped me in the face. That's was I'll have paid after 299 payments on a loan for $48, 000 for school. And I have already missed a payment, because I thought my deferrment didn't end until August. After the end of the custody dispute. After I was settled into my new job. After I received my official teaching certificate from PDE and has several resumes out. My roller coaster hasn't ended. All this time I thought I was nearing the end of this ride, and still I am just beginning.

I gave my attorney a check for $600.00 to hold til Monday. The idea was to deposit all I could from what I made at the restaurant this week and take the rest as a cash advance from the credit card. Originally, when I discussed my employment as TSS, I would have around 35 hours a week. Somehow, because of 'technicalities' with the approval of my client, I will only have 20 hours for the first three weeks, then 30 a week after that. My first paycheck was going to be the credit card payment. I couldn't get the cash advance from the ATM, and although I'm supposed to have a $3000.00 credit limit, and do have the available credit, I wouldn't let me have the money. I panicked. I did get $300.00 from another ATM this afternoon. So maybe I won't bounce that check after all. I spend hours juggling money in my mind. If I skip this bill for now, I can pay this one and catch up that one later. Dodging shut off notices by a hair some months. My typical practice is, if I know that there is nothing I can pay a bill with, I set it on top of my stand in the kitchen (As long as I know that if I don't look at it, it will not have immediate devastating consequences) until there is something I can do about it. Sometimes, it saves my spirit if I leave myself in ignorance a little longer. God knows, the only thing I have is my spirit. And now, I owe over $400.00 when I am barely 'juggling' this month. I'm thinking of finding a third job, nights or very early morning. I'm not sure how I can keep this up. Driving home from the Acorn this afternoon, I thought, how does one person handle all of this? How can I carry this burden let alone get it off my back??

And so this afternoon, I counted the change in my jar. I love that jar. It was how my sons actually had a Christmas this year. $153.00 worth of pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters, with a few pennies left for seed. With a pounding migraine and shaky hands, I counted all the money in that jar. It struck me as I counted that one of my stacks of 10 pennies was short. And as I looked at it, I wondered how it was that I could see it, since it was on a dark red placemat. I spend so much time counting those pennies in a pinch, but never forget the value. It will make a difference this week between a $598.00 and $600.00 deposit. Between a cleared and bounced check. Between a hopeful or broken spirit.

Thank God for pennies and self esteem cookies. I'm off to work, and hoping customers are generous this evening.

This small town has come ALIVE today. It's quite balmy, a wonderfully temperate 60 degrees. Everyone seems to have dug out their motorcycles and are cruising throughout the town. People are out walking, shopping, investigating the winter damage to their lawns. At least it's peaceful at home...the birds have been slamming into the windows of my house this last week, competing with that ever persistent male in the glass. No babies for me this spring, the contractors ripped out the 3 nests on the porch when they sided the house last summer. It's a bit of a bummer as the kids and I enjoyed watching them grow and listening to the early morning chirping. Ah well, so it goes. Maybe they'll nest in the trees in the yard.

So. It's a beautiful day and I'm getting away from this computer to open the windows and air out the stale winter must. It's a good day to clean out the shed, too, I think. Still going to post about the hair. I need help, but it's going to have to wait a bit until I have time to post some pics. BBL.

The year of the ex's

Well it looks like this may just be the year of the exboyfriends. Recently, my very first boyfriend called me. I met him at 18 and dumped him at 19. It has gotten back to me that he told some of his friends that he should never have let me go...I was good marriage material. ummm. yeah, he's pretty much a redneck. Well, sorry, his bad decision is my good fortune. He even tried the 'I'll lend you money" trick. It's a trap. The object is to make you feel so grateful that you'll give him a date. Not so. I'll be fine on my own, thank you very much. It amazes me how many men have tried this. Then shortly after, another ex boyfriend called me. One I had dated and dumped a year ago. He didn't really ask anything of me, nor did I offer. I was nearly stuck totally supporting his ass and contributing to his porn habit by allowing the use of my computer. Nope. Thanks anyway. And now, another ex-boyfriend has sent me his number in an email. It was kind of a surprise and am actually toying with the idea of calling him. It's kind of like a power kick. I may or may not. I don't really have to decide until I feel like it. He was a nice guy, was in the military, in Iraq, when we met (ONLINE, I know...most think it's a strange way to meet people, but it wasn't so bad really) and when he got home we dated for about 4 months. After we split, he went back to Iraq for another year and we emailed, mostly impersonally and infrequently. So anyway he's back and gave me his number. I wonder who else might appear this year...there is at least one I might jump off a cliff for...

Tomorrow's post, if I have time between working two jobs, is going to be about hair. I wish I had some more readers as I could really use some advice. I'm thinking about a new do for the new job and new start. I need a change!

Peace and sweet dreams.

Long, but good, day...

Ok, so I'm totally whipped and I'm going to try to keep it short. It has been a very, very, long day, but definitely a good one. I was up at 5:30 to make sure Derek made it to his Cub Scout Derby car race. His car needed a little 'help' too, he painted it, then Dalton painted it at their dad's (without permission) so we had painted it one more time. I got up early and painted some flames on it. Derek was pleased, I told him it's going to burn up the track...or so we hoped. After the first round at the race, Derek came to me and said "I got eliminated", shrugged his shoulders and smiled. I scooped him up (he's quite a skinny 8 year old) and said, "Well, you are my favorite winning speed racer anyway!" Dalton was a trying 4 year-old though. Almost spastically rambunctious. Nearly took out the row of cones and checkered flags, and harrasssed this little girl with his make believe hermit crab claws, before he was given his 'time-out'. We then made the hour and half long drive home to have left over crab legs (If it's aquatic, my sons will eat it. No kidding. yup, frogs legs, octopus, shellfish...) and tomato soup (weird, but their request...oh and broccoli. hmmm.) Then I whisked them off to Nanny and Poppy's house while I worked.
Fun night at work. Everyone was wound up. Then we got slammed. It was like a summer night, I had to put my slow winter mindset away and haul ass tonight. One of those, walk out of the tea room, then run like hell to the bar, then to the kitchen, to a table, to another table, to the kitchen...and so forth. Ugh. Sometimes I rate the night by the money I should make. Tonight was a $200.00 night for $93.00. It can also be a $30.00 night for $100.00 (like last week) . Anyway, I'm tired and everything is sore, but it's a good tired, sore feeling. During work, Lisa asked me...do you have your kids this weekend? Then my boss Geoff...do you have your kids this weekend? Which basically means, are you able to go out and tear it up? Well. Not this weekend. Then toothpickflicking girl (who got her name the same night I got mine...after many glasses of wine...tpfg and minmonster combatting the ever evil and oppressing fun nazis of the world) informs me that I'm missing caddy (catty? pffffffftttttttt) bitch night at the Gaslight and says that it IS the second one I missed. Shit. I will have a lot of caddy bitching to catch up on then, the next free saturday I have.
And, last item of the day, kids were up at 10:30 when I picked them up, watching some Komodo Dragon movie with Poppy. We piled into the car and headed home. It was a beautifully clear night and on clear nights, for some reason, Orion always catches my eye. I think it's because when I was kid, I couldn't see him for anything, it took forever for me to SEE it. So, as we were driving home, I tried to show Derek Orion... I am not sure he understood, but did recognize the three stars that make his belt. It was cool. I can't wait until summer when we can lie in the grass and watch the stars together.
That was my day, and I'm going to bed. I'm sure this is the most disjointed, poorly written blog ever...but..feel free to ask me if I care and take a crack at the answer. Sweet dreams all.

Bluenewt

Wallowing in my rut. Still.

I find myself cowering in my cave these days. Motivation is so buried within me that I can't seem to get to any small piece of it. I told the psychiatrist that I wasn't depressed. Maybe I am? I have this list of 'stuff' that I want to get started, completed, etc. And I have difficulty getting up in the morning let alone becoming productive. I'm tired all day long. The only thing that keeps me moving is the kids. On Friday I begin my new job. I'm hoping that it's the change I really, really need to get my fire stirred again. I'm supposed to be pushing forward, getting a new start. Instead I find my energy consumed by the fight against demons. Constant arguments with my ex. Writing a journal of every encounter so that when I spend another day in court I can recount every wasted breath on something that has been made into a mountain from a molehill. Of crap. Pure crap. (Whisper to self...I'm not married anymore, I'm not married anymore).

A little history. I met my ex at 19, he was 35 and married. He was prince charming, and I the queen until we moved in together. After, little things...then big things. I was screamed at for mowing down some blueberry bushes in the yard, called an asshole for leaving the recycling bins in the trunk of the car, later...yelled at for taking a nap during my pregnancy when there were weeds in the garden, lectured about gaining too much weight while I was pregnant, I breastfeed too often, too late at night. I screwed up the grocery shopping, when I was allowed the priviledge. One week, I was rebellious and bought myself some herbal tea and a few other small luxury items. That prick bagged them up (all $45.00 worth) and took them back to the store to get his money back. Yeah. In his ferrari. And I can't have herbal tea. I didn't have access to our checking account, got a job tutoring, made $90.00 for two weeks, and he wanted me to pay him child care. For his own son. Then...at the end, I was alienated from nearly all of my friends, he hated my family, got a calling card with a pin so that I couldnt' use the phone, hid all the keys (6 sports cars and his daily driver) except the one to my 93 mazda, oops, OUR mazda, and disconnected my internet. I couldn't even call or email my mom. And he...had plenty of resources to create a personals account, write and meet women. Under my nose. The fights. OMG, there were some horrible nights. Mostly me begging to be forgiven and his reply that I disgust him. That jerk threatened neighbors with guns (yes, one woman was hiking on his property), talked about having his other ex-wife killed, told my son he would spank him til he bleeds, throw things, ignore me for hours..tell me I was fat, ugly, stupid...and I left him. Because if I didn't, I saw myself in the kitchen with my wrists slit and thought, what a relief. I knew it was time to pack up and go. The thing was, I loved him. I worshipped him. So what might be lightly taken from any other hit with a sting that scarred, forever really. I left him, took nothing except what I could pack in the car and the boys and I left our big beautiful dream house, better known as my prison. Lots of mistakes thoughout the custody disputes, divorce issues left me with this unresolved custody issue I have now. The biggest issue...money. I left everything behind. After all, you learn a lot by the time you get to your fourth divorce. He's a divorce expert. And me, well, I was too stupid to think I would ever be divorced.

And so, it's history, it's the same sad, old, old tale I have been telling forever. But it hangs over me and my sons. I still get the phone calls, that I'm pathetic and still disgust him. I get accused of things that have no basis in fact. And now, my kids get to play house with the newest paramour, and apparently my son has seen her sleep naked. I nearly vomited in my mouth when I heard that one. And this is why I'm stuck in my grounghog day. I can't get passed the past until after April 21st. I need this to come, to amend two years of hell and imperfect decisions. If you are reading my blog, I'm sorry to be writing about my woes again...but it's Mindy's groundhog day, and I'm living it my cave. I shouldnt' even be writing this publicly. Last time I heard from one of the ex-girlfriends, my ex was keeping track of my msn profile that I had up. He told her he wished I would be killed. 15 years ago, if you asked me what my life what be like, I would have responded with something like a fairy tale. Who knew I would find a living nightmare. Who knew I would spend so much time crying over a mother's dream gone bad. Who knew that with all the ground I have covered, I would still be sitting here, terrified that I can't fully escape the claws of a 48 year old obsessed control freak.

I'm going to bed, and hopefully will wake in a new day with new resolve. I gotta get past this.