Disturbed

Its three-thirty am and I had a very bad dream. Not one of those that just bother you all day, one that I woke up scared from, feeling like I should check closets and lock windows.

I don't know where it came from. It was very odd. I was at a dinner with a bunch of people for some occasion I don't know or remember, but it was in a dungeon. Everything was very elegant except the damp, moldy, dark walls. It was a creepy place, but I wasnt bothered by it. I spilled wine in front of a dining asian girl. (I had the feeling that this was my old professors daughter...I talked with Dr. ben the other day..) I don't remember leaving this place but then the rest of the dream had to do with driving around.

I remember being in another dark room, but it wasn't damp like the other, more dusty, dark and old. I was with a friend. I was tied up, and there were two-two headed dogs that were intimidating but not vicious, rotweilers. There was some odd beast lapping up blood off from the floor. Then I remember running. Running alongside other people, freaks and the two headed dogs..running from something to my car with my friend. We get in a start to drive. In the next part of the dream I'm out of the car in the woods, with the "Mummy" standing above me, lethal but not after me, but my friend, although he doesnt' hurt her either. (The "Mummy" has been in my dreams before, he's very thin, deformed face wrapped in gauze and missing 1/2 an arm.) We get into the car, drive in fear of this man until we get into town. Throughout the whole thing, my dad is not in my dream, but in my thoughts or something, I just remember my dad being present in whatever way. We get into town and stop. We end up at someones home I did not know and there were 4 people there, a set of twins that were cute, and my friend has relations with one of them on the steps(it was a VERY weird dream). We leave, walk out the door then for some reason double back out the door...and I get this picture of everyone in the house having been killed by the 'Mummy" although in my dream, I never look in and act as though it didn't matter or I didn't know. Driving again, trapped in a large garage or junk yard trying to drive out, but the way out is blocked by a car that wasn't there before. We get out, and drive, and I don't remember my sons being present in the dream either, but I remember being fearful for them.

And thats it. But I woke up, came down to the bathroom and am spooked by every creek and rumble of a car thats outside. So I'm up 330 am, typing this really screwed up scary dream I had, of which is so weird, I'm not sure I would want anyone to interpret.

I'm going back to bed. Hopefully my haunting has left...

For Richer or Poorer

I got a continuance. Had to pay 1/2 the psychologists regular fee, but I guess you do what you got to do, right? So that load of stress is relieved.

The 28th hearing is now scheduled as a conference. Apparently the Judge was quite serious in investigating the financial issues. My attorney left a message for me that they needed the name and number of the attorney I consulted for my prenuptial agreement ASAP. The judge has stated before that he would investigate the validity of our prenup. Here we go. The way I look at it...let D and the new wife sweat bullets. All I will be out of is an hour in attorney's fees. Even with nothing I'm in a better position than 3 years ago. And with or without compensation for the hell the kids and I have been through, I did the right thing.

On the other hand, it could be Christmas in July....

News

Here we go....

Kids had to have psychological evaluations. I have not heard one word about it.

Thursday I get a call from my attorney's secretary asking "What happened? Why weren't you at the doctor's appt?" My reaction...HUH??? Apparently the appointed attorney for the kids made the appt. thinking D was taking them, however it was scheduled on my custody week. D paid for it, it was all set up. D did not say a word, not one word. The communication I was supposed to have gotten from my attorney was a letter left at the steakhouse, of which I am no longer officially an employee...and a mailed letter, not certified. I did not receive a letter and no one can locate a letter at the Steakhouse. The judge is pissed, will not allow a continuance, all this happened on last Thursday, so at 3 thursday I get a call that the appt. has to be done that week per the judge. Hmmm. The psychologist cannot see the kids until august. Our hearing is July 28. So I have this huge problem, OUT OF THE BLUE, and now I will have to pay 1/2 the original fee (205.00) for an appt I can't get and wasn't notified of. Can this get any fucking worse???

Angry.

Ok. So D calls tonight, right? Very butt kissingly asks me if I want to pick the boys up early next Friday (I don't have off from work). WTF??? See blog entitled WTF?? I had asked him to let me pick them up early last Friday (I had the day off) of which I received a terse 'No, Derek doesn't want to go" and he plans a camping trip for that day, hence that days post on Derek's outburst. Ok, so I told D, fine, he can drive the extra 13 miles to my mom's on fridays to pick up the kids instead of me dropping them off 10 miles from his house. So now, I refuse to try to wheel and deal. It's always to his benefit, on his terms and only when he wants something. So what does he do? Tells Derek he's going to my mom's and 'Mommy won't let me pick you up early for the trip to the lake". I told Derek nothing of the issues going on. Derek starts to wail. I call D back and let him listen, and ask him how this is going to make me more cooperative, doing this to Derek again. Putting the kid in the middle. He began to argue with me about out court order which states anything over 4 hours is his if I'm working. I replied that Derek will only be there for 2 1/2. He's going to talk to his attorney, and I said fine, you showed everyone what you do to your kids with putting your son on the stand to fall to pieces and you didn't learn anything...so thanks for more ammunition. Oh and yeah, at first when Derek started to cry he had his new step daughter tell me he went for a walk and she thinks he didn't want to talk to me. But he conveniently answers the phone when I call back to say my piece. How can a 48 yr. old hide behind his kids like that. He's a coward. He's the worst kind of egotistical, chauvinistic, biggotted coward I have ever met.

Justice for Children

The 'Red State Feminist' has blogged about Addyson Rosenthal, a little girl who has been taken from her mother and given to her sexually abusive father. In a nutshell, the mother was reprimanded for delivering her daughter late for father's custody visitation in a contempt petition, lost full custody of her daughter after expert witnesses and facts about the abuse were thrown out, thrown in jail for her inability to pay father's attorneys fees and hefty child support payments. Her family has exhausted their own resources, and in Red's July 6th post, relays 'Justice for Children's' plea for funds for this case. If you are interested, please visit the red state feminists site for more information on this case and links to make a donation. Although my own attorney is awaiting payment, I will be sending my own modest donation.

Do I believe this stuff? I do. I spent many, many days in court over custody disputes. I have been 'talked' out of what I believed is the best situation for my own kids and fight still to fix my negligent ex-attorney's mess. He was caught lying, including lies about his drug use, in court. I know a woman who lost a child to a drug addicted, HIV positive father (hence, disability, not explainable in court for confidentiality purposes, also a cover for drug use) and works two jobs to pay him child support. It happens. Not just to women or men, but to GOOD PARENTS who usually have LESS FINANCIAL RESOURCES to fight within the system.

"PLEASE consider how you can help us distribute our donor letters to individuals or organizations who are willing and able to help Janay and Addyson. Assuming you can help us, and in anticipation of our donor letter mail-out, please provide me with your address and the number of copies you can each personalize and forward to potential donors. Thanks for your willingness to help."

Tom Thomas H. Burton,III General Counsel

JUSTICE FOR CHILDREN

2600 Southwest Freeway,Suite 806 Houston, Texas 77098

Tel. (713) 225-4357Fax (713) 225-2818email: tburton@justiceforchildren.org

"Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have." - Margaret Mead

http://redstatefeminist.blogspot.com/

Am I not the blogging queen today???

I caught Dalton on top of this stump at Hills Creek while we were camping, dancing and singing this...

I LIKE TO MOVE IT (King Julian)

Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

A Good Afternoon :)

Our evening was so much better than our afternoon. The boys wanted to go to the creek so we did that first. We caught a ton of crayfish, huge ones! Derek has become a master crayfish catcher. And as they always do...they ask if we can 'cook' them. So we brought them home, put them in a tank for later and left for my sisters house. The kids played and I got to visit a bit. All night long, Derek was an angel and affectionate. I'm not sure if he was feeling badly for his tantrum, which I believe was more circumstantial than behavioral, or just really happy. We didn't make it to the park, the boys were having a blast having a water fight with their cousins and their neighbors. We'll save it for another day.

So, we came home and cooked the crayfish. I tried really hard to talk them out of it, I did. But I couldn't. And a promise is a promise...The boys insisted I have some too, and I did. To be honest, they are good...but I really have to overcome some bit of lingering squeemishness to eat them. It was a late, late night. Dalton brought a fish magazine up to read before bed, so at 11:30 they were ready to pass out.

There is another dilemma I have with Derek. He was just 5 when I left his dad, but he remembers quite a lot. Tonight he said "I love you Mommy, I wish you hadn't moved." I played dumb and said "from where?" "Daddy's house". This discussion happens maybe every six months, and I never really know how to answer. I would be interested in what his father tells him, but since the focus is on the fact that I left, I can take a guess. I have only told him that some people just don't get along, are not happy and fight, so it's better to be apart. But I think sometimes, though he hasn't asked specifically, he wants to know why. I wish I could make him understand the it was the right thing to do. I've thought before that when he's grown I'll explain it to him, but I probably won't. I think that he will have his own taste of it one day. Sometimes the only answer I can give is a lot of love.

WTF

Today was bad, bad, bad when I went to pick up the kids. D did it again, my son was so upset and for once, I had to say what was on my mind. I'm at my wits end and I can't change Derek's dad and can't explain the problem when his eyes focus inward to no other needs or desires but his own. He planned a camping trip, left yesturday, and I picked Derek and Dalton up at the campground. Long story short, Derek was having fun and didn't want to leave, so he threw a tantrum. Not just a tantrum and uncontrollable screaming fit. He ran away from me. When I FINALLY got him into the car (it took 1/2 an hour), he screamed he hated me, hates my house, doesn't want to be with me. I tried to console him, be firm with him, but the simple fact of the matter is, he just doesn't understand. And on my part, I have tried to be very in tune to the kids wants and needs and so have given in when he has wanted to stay. Not once has his dad returned that favor when the situation was reversed. But as I was driving away, I got angry. D works at home, his schedule is 'extremely flexible' , his words. I never plan things that the boys have to leave in the middle of. So I turned around and confronted D. I told him that I am going to ask the question that he needs to answer for Derek since Derek can't formulate it on his own as a child. I asked him why he can't plan a camping trip that he starts and finishes during his custody week? Why is it every time I pick them up, he has to make his son feel like he's missing something? Why does he constantly tell Derek about the things he misses when he is with me? I demanded an explanation. And his response was that he explained it to Derek. So then why is the child screaming and crying?? Derek's reaction was anything but acceptance and understanding. D doesn't get it. He can't see beyond his own mentality. This happens over and over and over. And I guess this is the conclusion I have to reconcile to myself. I can't change it and it isn't going to change. It will probably never change. And all I can do is deal with it the best way possible, though I'm not sure how that is exactly. Friends and well-meaning acquaintances have told me that I still live in the past, that I dwell on the things I can't change. I guess this is true. After three years, I should come to the realization that I'll never make a blind man see.

The good thing is, we came home, Derek was playing in the sandbox and said "I love you, Mommy". So, I guess the point to my post is this. Maybe I'm fighting a battle that I have won, in some small way.

So We had to come back to the house because Derek asked me to remove a sliver (surprised me since usually he won't let me touch them) and clean up teary faces, mine included. I had to regroup, and the kids are eating freeze pops. We're off to the park with tennis rackets and swimsuits. I'm going to do boy stuff all night.

P.S. I got pictures. I posted two of my favorites! This is Derek playing t-ball. The kid has a very unique playing style, to say the least.

The 4th of July

Updates: My initial gut instinct about my sister's boyfriends friend was the correct one...and isn't that how it usually turns out? My sister had shared with me yesturday a comment he had made when staying at her house and if she had told me earlier, I would have not wasted a second thought about him. She didn't say anything because it was hurtful, in general, to her and to me and probably to any woman. I told her that you can't ignore those kinds of things because it says something about him. I don't blame my sister because I think it's one of the few times she was genuinely trying to be helpful and kind, but I re-learned something. Don't ignore what you know and what you feel. If you have rationalize and justify the 'rightness' of another person in your life, it's probably not a good thing.

I'm tired today. Feeling better but not well yet. I have lots to do but haven't 'dug in' as I intended to. I had a long conversation with an old friend and it was nice. I'm thinking that maybe I'll just put on some music, dance through my chores and then get through the other stuff. No plans for the 4th as yet. I'm thinking that it might be nice to not have plans today. I'm utilizing the leisure of not making a decision.

Yesturday I went on a road trip with my sister and her boyfriend to drop off his son Jarrod near Pittsburg. It was ok. On the way home, we passed three places setting off fireworks and several homes where people were gathered around watching 'personal fireworks'. And as lame as it might sound, it was cool to ride and watch the streaks of lit fireflies as we passed by. I was awed by them as a kid and at 32 still enjoy natures lightshow. I'm off to do something...whatever it might be. Happy 4th of July everyone.