Dinner plans

I'm taking the kids out to dinner tonight, and I'm trying to figure out what we should do. The options: McDonald's and a run through playland, Buck and Linda's Whitesville House where they have the best fresh cut french fries ever, the corner mart where they have Derek's favorite wings, or maybe we could just drive around and find somewhere new. What my heart yearns for, though, is a picnic. Sitting with the kids in the park, sitting on the scratchy, tickling grass...feeling the warm sun and swishing away the bothersome flies. I would pack liverwurst sandwiches, fruit, cheese and crackers. The kids would alternate between eating and playing. We could wrestle in the field. We would play all afternoon, then pack it up and drive with the windows down and the music cranked up, just how the kids now prefer it. But, the grass is still quite brown, from what I can see under the blanket of snow and today we're dining in. I think it's time to get a project going, as I have been threatening to do for quite some time now...

Counting My Blessings...

I work with a woman at the Steakhouse who has a son in the 101st airborne division stationed near Baghdad. Today I walked into work, and one of the guys said that "Karry's son is ok". And I thought, oh, that's good. Not thinking a lot about it, really. Karry talks about her son incessantly, he truly is the light of her life. She even keeps his picture in her book that she takes orders in. I didn't realize what Karry went through that day. She walked in, and Mike said "Karry, your son is ok. Your mom called." And I looked at Karry, her pretty face was almost twisted, I mean, she looked like she had aged fifty years overnight. I didn't realize what was going on, and Karry just kept saying what? what? and looked like she might fall over. I went over to her, and she sobbed for at least 10 minutes on my shoulder. Apparently, that morning, she saw a news flash that 4 men from the 101st airborne division were killed near Baghdad. I can't imagine what she went through that day. In my mind, being very distant from that kind of reality, I would expect that she would have been notified before it was reported in the news. But when it's your baby you are worried about, there is no rational thinking involved. All night she struggled with the stress she dealt with that day. Finally, I asked Geoff is she could just go home, I took her last table and the other waitress and I picked up the extra side work and she left. As she went out the door, she said "Thank you for understanding." It was sweet of her to say, but how could I not understand, at least a little? I have two sons, and I know that if I were in her shoes, my reaction would not be all that different.

And so, my point. I guess with all the bullshit I deal with, I'm still pretty fortunate. I didn't have to wonder if my sons were dead or alive today. God bless the our armed forces and their families.

Bluenewt

Fried Brains, Nuts On The Side

I had my psychological testing yesturday. It was WAY more involved than I imagined. To be honest, it sucked. The first 40 minutes or so we talked, which I expected. But what I didn't expect was the rehashing of every bad memory I have ever had. My resolve for calm, cool and collected flew out the window. I found myself evaluating every word, every experience, I had and wondering, does this make me abnormal? And the why questions, well, I am not sure why, maybe I was young? stupid? idealistic? naive? Shortly after I began, I 'locked' up. Call it performance anxiety, stress, worry, whatever, but after that I just couldn't focus. I feel like it's Mindy's groundhog day, cycling all through a very, very bad marriage over and over again. The psychologist asked me if I was depressed. "I'm not depressed! I've been divorced for two years, and still going through this battle that should have ended shortly after. I just want to move on and live my life!" Who knew I was going to get the vocab, math and history quiz. The Rorshach, MMPI (500+ questions), oh yeah, and draw pictures...I left there feeling like I had been picked apart, fried and served with nuts. I was so tense, (I mean this is a recommendation for custody, my sons future!), that I could not think of the capital of Italy. DUH! It was all there...but the retrieval mechanism was behind the 'out of order' sign.

So what do I do? Post it on a blog. For the whole world to see. I'm sure I'm not the only one experiencing this situation, there has to be others out there with some empathy.

Three questions: "What would be your most important wish?" "That my kids find the best possible situation in which to develop, be secure and happy". "What are the best and worse things that have happened to you?" "My children are the best thing that has happened to me, the worst is my divorce and the break up of my family. I wanted my family." "What is the one value, or moral you feel is most important to instill in your children?" " Honesty, to be honest with themselves, honest about themselves, and honest with others."

*Sigh*
Bluenewt

People that cannot do, teach.

I used to hear this from my ex (and others) frequently. It nearly kept me out of the profession. To be honest, in every profession there are those rotten apples, and to onlookers, that is all they see. Teaching is hard, hard work. My student-teaching experience, to be positive first, was amazing in that I learned so much from my interaction with the students. I learned about them and about myself. Student-teaching as my final stretch of a very long college career was hell. What prompted me to select this topic to write about on my blog was a brief conversation in the restaurant Friday night. There is a retired couple that comes to dine frequently, and this particular night they brought their daughter with them. I remembered that she and I had a discussion previously, many months ago. She is a successful attorney who opted for a career change, yes teaching, and is now in her final semester as a student-teacher of junior high students. So after a bit of chit chat, and her parents catching her up-to-date with my recently gained certification and employment, I asked her, "So how is your student-teaching going?" Her first reponse was a raise of the eyebrows, then widening of the eyes....Then she said "Good, but tough. I love the kids but I really needed this drink tonight!" Then we discussed a bit more about teaching, and before leaving I wished her luck and she said "11 more weeks...not that I'm counting...".

So this brought me back to my student-teaching memories, and combined with my second guessing myself with taking a non-teaching job, it has caused me mild stress this week. Prior to the last semester of the the education program, you get lectures. They don't tell you you can't go out with your friends for drinks, but strongly advise you against it. If you smoke, they strongly advise you to give it up. There were many, many chunks of lectures in class devoted to the sermon on smoking. We were told that you must get an A in the student-teaching experience or you won't get a job. And in my case, I was told by my advisor, give up your time with your kids in order to focus on your career. They even make you sign a waiver if you work during student-teaching. Then there was the work. 3-5 page lesson plans for every lesson you teach, which amounted to (at least) 5 lessons a day. All had to be typed into Livetext (an online lesson planning program) which could be down at any given time and for weeks at a time. We also had to complete an online and hard copy portfolio. In addition, the education department centered their teaching philosophy around Piaget's constructivist theory, so on top of everything else, we were 'advised' to create our own tools for teaching. Then there was the implementation of the lesson plan, coordinating a positive classroom environment, maintaining student attention, and praying to God that you have met your objectives and standards for that particular lesson plan. Not to mention the pages and pages of lesson by lesson required reflections throughout the semester. Meanwhile, student-teachers are planning all these relevant to experience constructivist lesson plans and then comes PSSA testing mid-way through the second assignment. We toss away constuctivism for skill and drill traditional teaching. Students parents are complaining at conferences that their kids are grumpy at home. Some students, even those very academically inclined, cry in frustration over the tesing process. There is nothing harder than than trying to teach curriculum when you know this tired little third grader is just burned out. The result in my personal experience, I had to quit my job, come home at 4 o'clock everynight to type until at least 10 p.m. THEN make stuff for the following days lessons. There were even several nights that I never went to sleep...and let me tell you, teaching a class of elementary students on no sleep is rough, very rough. Alas, in May I reached my graduation day, completely broke, buried under a mountain of debt, my gas shut off for non-payment that same last day of student-teaching, and a B+ for my blood, sweat, and many tears. For all this, I will tell you that when I get there, I will be a damn good teacher. For all the A's I received in the Business program, none were so hard earned as that B+.

Don't get me wrong, I still love the profession. I never fully realized the influence you have on students until the end of my second assignment. I knew that I was a role-model. I knew that students respected and admired me. But one student in particular taught me the depth of that relationship. She was in third grade, very sweet, very smart. I had mistakenly made assumptions, that she must have been from a good family, had few of the personal issues so many students walk into the classroom with. She was one of 26 kids I interacted with everyday, a good student, little or no discipline problems, a little shy at times. I found out later she was one of 8 siblings in foster care. I discovered this when the students were doing "All about Me" books, complete with their birth and family history and experiences through to the third grade. Julie (not her real name) became upset and frustrated because she couldn't get her mom to give her the information for the assignment. This was at the end of my time with her class. My last day, she wrote me a story that I keep with my portfolio. She wrote:

"Student teacher"

My student-teacher just appeared in my classroom one day. She was as beutiful and nice as a wonderful butterfly. I was confused she never appeared out of thin air before. I wondered How long she was going to stay. Tomorrow she's leaving it's so sad. good bye Ms.-

Later, I heard from other teachers that Julie* was crying as she walked out to her bus. I wish I had a wand that I could magically impart to her a belief in herself and the knowledge that many others believe in her...a wish I have for all children. Parting with the entire class, as well as my cooperating teacher, was hard. I too, had become attached to the students.

Teaching is a profession of love. It demands much from a person, emotionally, intellectually, financially (yes, you spend a lot of your own money to get students tools that the district won't/can't provide), and professionally. Teachers are overworked, underpaid and frequently underappreciated.

If you happen to believe that those that cannot do teach, remember that somewhere along the way it was that person that taught, and believed in, you.

Sunday

I'm supposed to be getting a shower and ready to meet my mom for a pampered chef party this very moment, but I really don't feel like going. It's not that I don't want to go exactly, it's that I love my Sundays. The restaurant is closed and I'm free all day! I have so many other things I can do, like getting out my grunge clothes and stripping the family room for painting (NO I still have not started that YET!) or better yet, fixing my dryer vent that has been waiting for some time now. But I know that my mom and I will have fun, we always do.

My sons left with their father for the day, it's his birthday, a whopping 48. Dalton hid behind my leg and cried for a bit. I hate that. We got his dad a gift and made some brownies instead of cupcakes. I do this only for the pleasure it gives the boys to have a gift to give. I had a thought yesturday, I just can't help it. The kids got some movies for their dad, kid's movies. Their dad's flavor of the month is spending the weekend with them and I was tempted to get her a movie as well..."Sleeping with the Enemy". BUT, I didn't, although I did give myself a laugh. Poor girl will find out soon enough. The last one stated she wished I would have told her about him before she lost a whole lot of money.

I have a semi-busy week coming up. So many things to do. I just can't wait for summer. I'm ready to open up the windows, mow the lawn, take the kids to the lake...I miss fishin' and swimmin' and soakin' up the sun. We're warming up today...started out at 9 degrees now it's a sunny 22. Got a long way to go....

Ok. I'm off to find out how much more wonderful my life will be if I buy expensive cookware. Which I won't. My Walmart pans and dollar store untensils work just fine. :)

Not Beaten, But Definitely Beat!

I'm whipped. The kind of whipped where every limb is painfully tired and sluggish, where simply accomplishing a task at all is a miracle. It has taken me all day to get up and ready to go out with the kids. I tried to talk them into a nap to no avail. I did call off from work. I was feeling very guilty about getting little time with them this weekend, and even though tonight will be a 'big night' (money making) I dont' regret it. I am not sure I could have handled the 5 hour goose chase if I wanted to tonight. I don't know why I'm so out of it today, I guess it could have been the 4 hours of sleep Thursday night, and then the 17 hours of hauling ass all day Friday.

I wonder too, how I will fair in the next coming weeks. I start my new job, I was offered a position as a TSS, but with another organization that happens to pay quite a bit more and I will begin earlier. I'm keeping my part-time waitressing job, at least for as long as I can. I'll find out, I guess.

Kids and I are leaving. I'm going to pick up some ingredients for cupcakes for their dad's birthday and possibly a present. Ummm. yup. Kill 'im with kindness. Better go before my evil thoughts overcome rational thinking...Happy Saturday.

Love is...

I picked up my oldest son Derek from school today. He and the rest of his second grade class made these posters where the beginning of the sentence was written for them (Love is...) and the rest was completed by them. I had seen these on the wall a couple of days ago, but didn't have a chance to read them. Today I did, and it warmed my heart. How many times do we second guess ourselves as parents? Did we do the right thing, say the right thing? Did I hug them enough? Do I spend enough time with them today? And in my situation at the moment, I get limited time with my sons, Daddy has everything, Mommy doesn't have much. But Derek's first sentence was:

Love is...coming home and hugging my mom.

It was the best Valentine's Day gift I could ask for.

Newt Notes

This has been one interesting winter. We had a small snowstorm over the weekend (for once, it missed us!) and today, we have spring again. Not that I'm complaining, I love it. 60 degrees and I'm feeling like a day at the lake! It's motivating. Going to pick up a couple of cans of paint to finish the downstairs. Might even finish the sewing projects I started, since my free days will end March 6th with my newly gained employment.

Speaking of employment, I'm not teaching...yet. To be honest, obtaining a teaching position is going to be challenging at best. For the last 6 months, I have applied for teacher's aides positions and have not been called for one interview out of 6 applications locally. A friend's wife is a certified teacher who applied for a position quite some time ago was the only eligible applicant for an opening at the school here in town. She wasn't hired. After she did her own investigation with some ranting and raving, she found out that they conveniently 'lost' (threw away) her application and hired the superintendent's daughter' friend who was not yet certified. That's the way it works. If you don't 'network' your resume better be damn special because it's lost in the pile of 75-200 applicants for every teaching job. So, I'm sneaking in under the guise of Therapeutic Staff Support, or as they say a 'wrap-around', working with one child in a classroom every day and hopefully I will be able network within the system. It will meet my needs for full-time employment and still put me in several local districts. That's the plan anyway. We'll see how it goes.

My Valentine's Day was ok. Our 'boss', Geoff, bought a dozen roses with a card that said "To the the ladies of the Steakhouse, your professionalism makes you beautiful". Very sweet. After work I had the pleasurable company of another single person, some ruby martini's and good conversation. It's all good.

Well I'm getting off my arse to get something accomplished or at least started. I vowed to not mention my nemesis, The Ex, but damn it, I was enjoying the warm day and the only thing I get in the mail is a letter from him. Not only has he pissed on my cheerios, I have sit here and reply. Shit.

Happy Valentines Day!

Dream
My thoughts gather
in stilted dreams
a world perceived
surrealistically...

Where hope is water
and love, ice
as I swim in the gaze
of an angel's eyes.

Lost in these dreams,
with my lover conjured
in a world sublime,
my own naked mind.

Like the kiss of the wind
I can feel but can't touch,
hear but can't see,
it exists and yet,
I am alone in this dream.

Happy Valentine's Day to all. I'm determined to enjoy the day as a single person, and self-appointed flower giver to the those, like me, who would not receive flowers otherwise. It is what it is.

Bluenewt

GAME ON!

Got a job offer. Grrrr replaced by purrrrr. Warm fuzzy feelings, like the secret behind a glass of fine Merlot... You'll find me smiling inside the bottle. Cheers.

Frustration!

I'm experiencing a morning full of frustration. It began with an urge. I met my ex-husband early this morning and he was going to drop the kids off at school. Mind you, everything we ever discuss is an argument, from custody arrangements, to his not submitting medical bills to my insurance, to my having to plead to make arrangements around my nights and weekends work schedule. So, back to this morning. He needed Derek's hockey equipment and I gave him the bag of knee pads, skates and all that. "Where's his hockey stick?" he asks me rather shortly. "It's in the car, " I replied. So I went back to the car to get the hockey stick...then...I had a moment. You know, like in the movie monster in law, when Jennifer Lopez has this brief 'day dream' while she is talking to Jane Fonda, she picks up this pan and raps her over the head with it. Then it brings you back to reality where J-Lo just takes it quietly. Well...I had a 'vision' like that, where I pick up the hockey stick and just whollop my ex and say WHY DON'T YOU JUST BE REASONABLE, EVEN IF IT'S ONLY FOR YOUR CHILDREN!!! I didn't, I handed the hockey stick over rather nicely.

THEN, on the way home, I passed a farm where there were horses in the road. I, the good samaritan, stopped and tried to walk the horse back to the house. So as I leave the horse and walk up the driveway to the house, two more come out of the barn and head toward the road. I then hear a car coming and as I turn around, the horses were headed toward the road, and the vehicle coming was a dump truck. I ran toward the road (you know, like I was going to stop a dump truck much better than a horse would), screamed and the horse just missed being creamed by like 24 inches. It freaked me out. I was sure that poor thing was a goner. No one was around, these horses are all over the place, and finally I saw someone across the field. This woman totally ignored me at first while looking at me, and said that she did in fact own the horses. I told her she almost lost a horse and she had no comment. What is wrong with people!!???

And the rest of the morning, more arguments with the ex....luckily, bluenewt has not yet transformed into minmonster, although I'm not sure how much more crap a newt can deal with. GRRRR. I'm going to work. Hopefully tooth-pick flicking girl can cheer me up.

GOOD NEWS! (yeah, I got some good news...no really, I did!)

I DID IT! OFFICIALLY CERTIFIED TEACHER HERE! (Sorry, inside voice is screaming!)

On the run. Again.

Yesturday was an ass-kicking day. Interview in the morning, come home clean for an hour (dishes, laundry, you know, put offable stuff). Had a three hour road trip, including picking up the kids at school...run home, check the mail for test scores (which were not there AGAIN), wait for the late babysitter, run to work, run all night, and come home. Ugh. I hate these kind of days! Today will be better, although we didn't get to sleep in. The kids found their way to my bed, so it was an all night battle for covers and mattress space. I tried, I REALLY TRIED, to keep my eyes closed, but Dalton would open his eyes and look at me, toss around, look at me, rub my hair, look at me, then finally I asked him if he was ready to get up and of course, he was. My eight-year-old will sleep til noon if he can.

Ok, so this is my plan, or idea in the works. I want to take a chick vacation. I'm trying to talk my girl friends into a beach vacation where all we have to do is "girl stuff". I think it's pure genius, as does Lisa, but we're still trying to enlist our other cohorts. I'm not giving up. I'm not.

I made my appointment for my psychological evaluation as required by all of us, even the kids :( in this custody battle my ex-husband put into the works. I'm not worried, exactly, but keep wondering about it. I mean, say they administer the Rorschach test, and one of the ink blots just happens to look like a penis...and all I can say is...it's a penis. Will that mean I'm a normal 32 year old? Or will it mean I'm a sex starved, lonely, dirty-minded woman? Or worse yet, what if they ask me if I have ever lied? I mean who hasn't? Does it mean I'm a pathological liar? Or someone who is just being honest....??? hmmm.

I'm seriously going to do some work on this blog soon, it needs help, and I'm an blogging infant so it may take awhile. If only I could enlist some help from my one and only fan, kaicito! Thx for adding me to your blogs you like list :) I'll have some new pictures tonight, as well. Time to go, my son wants me to make a star out of a pea sized lump of playdough...that'll be easy...

Any day now...

I'm back on the net, although I'm not sure anyone missed me. Life happened as it does continuously. I'm in limbo today, not sure in which direction I'm headed, still waiting, and waiting...waiting for the results of my certification exams which are due to come in the mail any day, waiting for a phone call or letter after my most recent interviews for employment, waiting to get the word on when the next court date will be, waiting for the expected deposit to magically appear into my account...waiting for a new future to begin. I have hiked to the peak of this mountain and all I need is for the sun to appear and since it is already the end of the work day, I guess I will look for the shine of good fortune tomorrow. Happy Thursday.

Bluenewt