Interesting (and fun) afternoon....

So....today my client didn't show up for school due to the stomach flu. I ended up getting a last minute sub call from subfinder(called at 11;40 for a sub job to start at 11:30) so I dropped everything and left. It was a nice afternoon. Taught two classes science (all about negatively and positively charged particles...took a little digging to find that in my brain) one of which was my son's 4th grade class.

So I'm establishing what they know about positive and negative charges as it relates to lightning, and my son, whose class has established clearly that the sub is his mom, answers a question about condensation (cloud forms)and I'm a little proud, can't help it. I teach the lesson then I give the assignment to answer the three questions at the bottom of the page, and I'm explaining and re-explaining, so Derek raises his hand when some of the kids are done. I go to him and he hands me his paper. A paper that has little question marks around one big question mark in the middle. And so, I wondered how he would act with mom as the teacher and I found out. Just like he acts at home! (Oh yeah, and he didn't bring his book home to do the assignment for homework. BUT, I remember the questions and the lesson so the little turd didn't get out of it.)

My life is crazy....

I have so much going on everyday. It's amazing how things change, and so quickly. The scoop on the job front is this....

I began the year with a client at my son's school, in 1st grade. Things were set up nicely for me and for the kids. I simply dropped the kids off at school when I went to work and took them home after. Well, my client's caregiver decided she didn't like me (for no real reason, no valid on as I was told by my supervisor) so I was pulled from her and given another client with 12 less hours and in the middle school. So I was pretty well screwed with hours, and pay,(not to mention the fact that I had been effective with the client) very discouraged with the whole situation. BUT, in the middle school, I developed a relationship with the Life Skills teacher who has been an AWESOME support. As it turned out she worked in my Aunt's Emotional Support Classroom before getting her teaching certification. She basically didn't want anyone in her room with my client. She told me today, she was especially pleased that if anyone was going to be there, that it was me and has had me sub one day for her, as well as set up another day to sub in two weeks. She also(when I started) set strict hours for me to be with the client and has offered to let me compact those into three days so that I can sub two. She has given me a heads up on future teaching positions and has offered to send recommendations to other teachers for me as a sub for those two days.

This is awesome since I am so very dissatisfied with my job as a TSS. I'm annoyed at being 'fired' from a client because of a wacko caregiver, also because my schedule. I was offered an afterschool job with a client that I refused because of a personal knowledge of the family. Then offered another, even though my supervisor is aware of my schedule with the boys (I only have them during school days, D has one day afterschool and all weekends) and threatened me with losing my partial unemployment if I didn't accept the job. (Funny how I never got a call back on getting another client until after I filed for UC.)

So now, I have two clients, have to hurry up and get afterschool child care, and will probably be substituting more. I just feel like this schedule is going to be insane. However, I might actually have some money for Christmas, and if I get a toe in at the middle school....well the goal is a teaching position. Keep an eye on the goal, Minmonster....

Oh yeah, and my car started smoking this week. Last night I found out it was a head gasket (they are pretty sure). I was all set to go postal thinking that there goes any money I set aside for my sons birthday and Christmas when I was assured it was covered by my extended warranty. Whew. I'm pretty relieved that I didn't cancel it as I had been thinking about for a couple of months now.

Gotta run, my client was sick today and so....I'm out of a days pay. Oh the ups and downs....

...of my midlife crisis???

Oh, ho, I have not posted in awhile. That last post was tough to re-read. All that happy shit about a new relationship. (WOW do I sound bitter!) Needless to say, it ended badly. Very badly. I was so totally roped in by the lies...lots of them.

And so, although after my marriage I promised myself that I would never, ever take an antidepressant again, I ended up taking one. I was on another brink, one of despair. It was the relationship, and the numerous other little things happening all at once that made me feel like cracking. It was not a good, clean character building hardship. I worked my ass off to get where I am at, meager as it may be, and found myself staring at it all falling apart. I would explain, but even on here it's humiliating. Now mind you, I'm not a kill myself type person in the worst of circumstances. BUT I was having trouble functioning. Couldn't control the tears. I went to see my doctor. She listened carefully while I tearly explained my predicament. She looked at me and said tenatively, "That's a lot for one person to handle on their own, I'm not sure how you did it this long". She asked me if I needed a few days on the 'third floor' and when I refused the tempting offer, she wrote me a perscription. I got over it. I found my strength that failed me for a couple of weeks. And I got mad. You see, I felt so badly for this guy that I helped him buy a car. I didn't put alot of money into it, but the title, registration and insurance was all in my name. He ran, and I didn't know where he or the car was. He refused to meet me several times to get the info switched over. So I called the local police, the state police, the local police when I found out what town he was in and they all said "sorry, its a civil matter, can't help ya." So I started calling people. I knew the town he was in and planned. I decided, enough is enough, took my sister, a sledgehammer, a knife, and the key I wasn't sure fit the car or not. Because if I couldn't drive it, I was taking out the windshield and tires before I left. I drove around for two hours before finding the car. When I did find it, I got in it and drove away. The funny part was when he called the police and reported it stolen. And that was my big revenge for being used and lied to. Not much, but it helped.

So, that nightmare is over with. There is still the ex-husband who asked to keep the kids overnight tonight. Said that they both wanted to stay, so I said it was ok. Derek called and started to cry because he was worried he couldn't because Dalton was crying because he wanted to come home. I talked to Dalton and he was better after I told him that we had two whole, special days together off from school. BUT there was an argument with Darwin and he was so freaking unreasonable that at the end of the first conversation I couldn't speak. He said "well can the kids stay or not?" after he knew he pissed me off. He was saying hello....hello...and I was choking out an Uhh, hmmm, because I didn't trust myself to say anything. "You motherfucking, cocksucking lying selfish son of a bitch" was dying to fly off the tip of my tongue and it was a lot to hold it in. He hung up on me and I took a few deep breaths before calling back. I said that I talked to Dalton and hes ok with staying, that I am not pulling the rug out from under the kids because "you are being a jerk" but just because you are disgruntled about one decision I made you didn't like, doesn't mean I have to kiss your butt for months. Get over it. I hung up. And I am determined that from here on in, I'm done. I cannot talk to the man. It will give me a stroke one of these days.

So tonight, I'm home alone listening to the rain thinking of all the things I don't want to do, thinking of nothing I want to do and feeling quite lost. But the boys are coming home tomorrow. And we will have two very special days together.

My once a month (or maybe 6 months) blog....

So...school is in session. Derek and Dalton are both here in the local school. Derek is playing football which allowed him a few friendships to buffer the beginning of a brand new classroom. Dalton has 'looped' with the same teacher he had last year in Kindergarten. I have a new client in Dalton's K-1 school, so there is no stress of getting the boys to school early enough to make it to work, when I drop them off, I am at work. Things are pretty good. Not perfect, sometimes hectic, but good.

There is a new 'love interest' in the works. It's only been three weeks, but I find I am very happy....at most times. Very nervous at other times. He's been attentive to put it mildly, does and says the right things...very good with the boys. But I seem to have this internal wall up that is suspicious of things that are too good. But then, they are not...he is in the beginnings of his own custody dispute with his ex that rivals my battle in its vindictiveness. I mean, how awful would it be to raise three children, one for 8 years, and find out that two were never yours??? But this scares me too. So, I'm hanging out and just seeing where it leads. And I'm enjoying the attention, I must say.

On my own kid front, well...still trying to pay the amount for the appeal. $2800 bucks. A little scared but it's not the worst fear I have felt in the last 4 years. Still thinking about the online courses for my masters in psychology...I need to take the leap, but nervous about the time I have available for classes and studying when I seem to have so little at the moment.

I'm ok. It was nice to hear from my pal, Kai!!!! And Val, who is an every faithful blog friend...and I'm so bad at it.

I ACTUALLY have a 'free' night. I'm thinking about removing the remainders of the toenail polish I put on in May, and repainting them. I might take a bath and then go out to have a drink. I might take a nap. Oh, the possibilities.....

Ahhh...always a fool....

Tonight I'm a full glass that has been tipped....and the contents come rushing out, when what I really want is a slow drip so that I can write my thoughts coherently and fluently, but really I'm spilling. I'm hitting the floor with a big splash.

I'm a person divided. I'm a bitch and a slobbering pile of mush. I'm a hard worker and tired of working. I'm confident and scared. And I don't know how to sort it all out.

If you have read (if there is a you that has read) my prior posts, there is a guy named John who has been less than a positive experience in my personal life. I left myself open again, since circumstances changed since my last post, and find myself in the same boat. Only this time, I have been left behind for a night at the bar. And usually, this shouldn't bother me too much. But I found myself jealous, angry and generally treated with an air of disrespect and lack of consideration.

I don't love this guy. I don't miss him. I don't trust him. But I have now, three times, gotten lost in the idea of him. And if I can make this make sense, I will explain if for no other reason than it is one in the morning and I need to type. I am divided. I have relied on the fact that I can make my life work with no assistance. My day to day philosophy is that I have things I want and need and I can get them. Someone said to me last Friday, "so, you work like...24 hours a day?" No it's more like 14. But the thing is, if I stay home and have no plans, I might mope or I might do something constructive. If I work, I don't have any alternative. I work. I'm busy. I'm too busy to miss anyone. If I go to the Steakhouse, I have some money in pocket and I don't have time to think about being lonely, being unhappy, worrying. I come home and sleep. I get up and work. It's simply simple.

Enter John. I have a few moments reprieve of being alone. I look forward to a touch, a warm body, whether its watching a movie or being intimate, and I like it. It fucks up my 'independent needs no one' ideal. And I want. I want him to want to hang out with me. I start thinking about what a great thing a partnership would be. So I bought him flowers because his grandmother died and its been a rough week. He stops in and I knew right away he was going to the bar. I said so. I'm pissed. I don't say too much with too much emotion because (and I had to think about this) I learned way back when in my marriage that you can't just blurt out how you feel. You hold it in and give hints...that are missed or ignored. So he left. And I felt crappy. And I think, "you know what Mindy, you stupid fucking idiot, you work and you have your beautiful children, there isn't any more that you need."

There is a twist. He met my kids briefly. He stopped over and they were still up and I had to explain. I got one hundred questions, then came the thumps from upstairs, the face peeking around the corner with some silly excuse for coming down and meeting the person that is popping in for a visit. Giggling. It took my aback a little how excited they were. I guess I learned something. If I ever date someone, who actually deserves the privelege of sharing these two rambunctious boys, it would be ok. But I'm angry. He met my kids and my practical mom feeling is that he shouldn't have.

Which brings me to another subject. Derek and Dalton both told me, two weeks ago, that they think I should have a baby. My reply, a desperate one, was that well, guys, you need a daddy to have a baby. Their response was "well we have a dad". hmmmmm. And you know, honestly, I would do it in the right situation. I really would. I LOVED having my children, and to have another would be amazing.

What I want a family, a home and something warm and comforting. What I do is throw myself into a flurry of activity that leaves no room for disappointment or opportunity. What I want makes me vulnerable. What I do makes keeps me safe.

And I'll probably just keep being busy. I just don't know how to do anything else.

Its Friday morning.

I'm at my computer, drinking my coffee and trying to wake up. I can see my coneflowers peeking through my window. It's hazy, the sun is a beautiful, glowing ball of reds, oranges and yellows. It's going to be another hot day.

I made it through another week, but summer is winding down. I was reminded that I signed up for 'parent volunteer' for soccer last week and it seems I am THE parent volunteer, not sure I know what this means...but a friend said she ended up coaching practices (I'll scream, if this happens). Derek is playing football, he has his uniform and I think he would just wear it everywhere if he could. I'm hoping the 'dad' keeps up with the commitment. Its going to be tough, with football tues, 530-7, soccer and football thurs 430-7. Games sat and sun. I wonder if we'll get dinner at all on Thursdays??? Uh, and homework???

But, for today, I get the monsters after work. Jana Losey is singing at Ten West Espresso at 730, and I'm hooking up with the teacher who taught my client in school last year to go and listen. Jenny is just the most wonderful person who could make anyone laugh to tears. It's gonna be a good day.

I gotta run, have to be finished my ramblings for the moment. Have some pics to post someday when I have a free two minutes.....!

Goodbye, George...

George was one of my very first customers at the Steakhouse, he was a cantankerous old man with a knack for making the waitresses either really angry or upset. George pissed me off the very first time I waited on him. He complained when the drink prices went up and still paid the old price for his Manhattan a year later. He noticed that the chicken and bisquits went up four cents and he complained. He was a member of a slowly decreasing number of the "Romeo club" that dine at the Steakhouse. I grew rather fond of George and would on a slower night have a seat at the Romeo club's table to chat. The last time we talked, I said I was happy to see them again, as it had been awhile...and George says in a rather saucy tone "Mindy, I'm THRILLED to see you!" It made me laugh.

Red, another Romeo near and dear to my heart, said to me last, that there are less and less of the 'Romeos' and that he might be the next to go...

Then Tina blurted out that George passed away. Apparently, he became very ill at the restaurant one night and the owner, Geoff had to drive him home. He had a heartattack and didn't make it through it. I guess I caught everyone off guard when I started to cry. I mean, this was GEORGE. He was supposed to break the new girls in. He was always there with his cane and a shit-eating grin. And I had this feeling that I didn't get to see him one last time, or tell him goodbye. I just felt SAD. I felt sad for Red, Bob, and for Bill...who is watching his wife fade away...

So George, Goodbye. I really will miss you. I hope you have found peace.

Back from our trip....

The kids and I have had some vacation time, 10 days to be precise. We took a little mini vacation to Knoebels amusement park this last weekend. It was good. Lots of rough spots, which upon I will elaborate later. I'm supposed to be back into the work week, but the ex is making it difficult as he agreed to pick up the kids then decided not to. So I have no babysitter until my mom gets finished with work, and the boys will have to sleep in a little and I have some free time to get finished unpacking and all that. So I will extend my vacation a few more hours with the kids. I think I can deal with it.

I can smell fall in the air today.

Time...

These days, I'm constantly feeling the crunch. Time. There have been so many times in my life that I needed some concrete answers instead of this reach and feel in the dark. I could use some now.

I'm very discouraged with the teaching field right now. They told me it would be difficult to land a job. Experience in this rural area I find, thus far, its impossible. How long do I wait? I'm considering going back to school. No, I have decided I am. I am grateful that things are better now, but I can't settle here. No retirement, no medical benefits, and no way up. And no house. I am going crazy living in someone else's house, paying rent every month...for rooms I can't even paint a lovely shade of purple should I desire. And a vacation...I would just once like to feel I can pay the bills (including attorney's fees) and still be able to take the kids on a real vacation.

But I have to consider when going back to school, the cost, monetary of course, but also the cost on the kids, on whatever social life I may have, on me. How much can I take on without totally cracking up? As it is, realistically, I'm very frustrated with keeping up on household stuff and work. But I'm 33. Forty is looking down on me with a welcoming smile. I would like meet it with stability on my back.

And I'm at the point where I feel like I'm making a decision that has sort of been made for me already. No relationship, no partner, no personal fulfillment (other than the rewarding job as mom)...maybe this is what I need to do. Grow. Learn. Increase my marketability.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Just me in my camo capris!

Ahhhhh. Kids are in bed, sleeping peacefully after a long 'tucking in'. Sweet dreams, little angels.

Our custody exchanges have hit an all time, all out war status. As I am as unhappy with some things in our new custody order in which I got (for the most part) what I asked for, I try to keep my myself in check with the fact that I can't have it all. D (the ex) doesn't seem to have this self-regulating mechanism. All or nothing.

So during one of these exchanges, Darwin stood in the doorway and started an argument. Then it moved out to the mudroom where his hausfrau cheerleader jumped in and I said "You know what, thats it. Get out of my house, thanks for sharing, but leave." I had to repeat it again, but they left. And as they left, when I wouldn't continue the argument, D gives me the up and down look and says in his sarcastic way..."Thats a good look for you."

So (going back) D dislikes anything trendy or funky. Me, I like my individuality and enjoy the funky stuff. I pretty much have a good idea of what he does/doesn't like and although his opinions are probably ingrained in the back of my mind forever, I really don't give a shit what he thinks.

So if he doesn't like my shiny green toenails, flip flops, camo capris and black spandex shirt, it's not my problem. What I find amazing is that he would have the slightest inkling that such a comment would bother me in the least with the assumption that I care what he thinks. What I find amusing is my desire to wear those camo capris every single time we exchange custody. Maybe Sunday I'll accessorize with some skulls and crossbones....

A Day in the Life...Oh Boy.

At work I reconnected with a woman I worked with years ago at a Restaurant where we both waitressed. She was the mother of one of my classmates, and we used to talk about things (back in the married days). So now, we are both TSS's and have kind of rebuilt a new friendship under new circumstances. I'm pretty lucky, I have made quite a few new friends of late.

So yesturday we were talking, and I'm back into my change mode or rather, the desire for change is just getting more intense. I'm telling her about my social life (or lack thereof), some of the hellacious hours I work, and how I feel like there is more I could be doing. I'm thinking that I have quite a bit of alone time and maybe I should start online classes, again. I'm frustrated at best with the teaching possibilities and have found a viable option for completing a masters, or even doctorate in pyschology. Glenda looked at me for a minute, and said 'You're bored, Min." Yup. That summed it up pretty well. There are too few challenges, and even though I work my ass off some weeks, at the end of it I feel like I have done nothing but twiddle my mental thumbs for 50 hours. This encompasses my work and social life. Boredom.

So also this week, I reconnected with a guy I dated who I dumped about 6 months ago. He was a little more interested in me, a little more courteous...and so I suckered in. He frustrates me. Honestly, I am not too emotional anymore, but I have to admit I was mildly hopeful. So after a few conjugal visits I invited him to dinner. I honestly didn't think he would show. But he did. I was kind of impressed since it was the first time I could nail him down from something other than...you know what or a movie. (How stupid am I to even try this again???) So I was working on dinner and began with a conversation starter like 'What's new?'. His response was a rather cryptic "Oh, something big" and made me pry it out of him. Well, he's got a baby on the way. So this is how I handle it. I get busy, choke down the tears of disappointment, then do my psychological picking. How, who, and what do you want to do about it? He said he hasn't decided if he wants to pursue a relationship with her. So, me, when the red fades, I cut to the meat of it and asked "So what the fuck are you doing here?" And then I had to specify..."no here. I'm my house." And then instead of throwing him out, I cracked open a bottle of valpollacella and listened. More valpollacella, and told him he was probably set up but dude, you totally fucked up. You don't have sex with people that CAN'T use protection, idiot. More valpollacella and thoughts like, thats it...never again. I'm going to use every free minute to get ahead in the only way I seem to have open to me. More Valpollacella and I thought fuck it, let him stay a little longer...let myself cry my wine tears and sent him packing after asking rhetorically, "What exactly was wrong with me? This girl may possibly be your nightmare, maybe you're dream, but I'm not inviting you back." Hopefully he feels pretty damned awful. I didn't sleep, woke up hangover free and with a renewed feeling that with regard to men, its best to be one bad ass, heartless, self centered bitch who doesn't need a damn thing from anyone. I never thought I would be proud of being cold.

On the flip side, I'm going to work to have the girl chat with my friends. I'm going to see some kids with the most horrific challenges have some success at camp. Kids that don't trust easily, but ask for my help and give me a smile or a giggle. This part of my heart is wide open.

Long time, no post.

Oh where to begin!? Catching up...my sons will now be living with me as the primary parent. Their dad has every weekend during the school year, I have weekends in the summer. It's hard just seeing them a few days a week, plus an extended vacation time. Derek and Dalton came after their very long vacation for the weekend and Derek asked me why he only can stay two days since he is supposed to be seeing me more now??? The hard questions never stop.

Their dad has been a monster as usual. I tried to approach the new situation with a spirit of compromise, and when I need the same, I hit a brick wall. After all his testimony on how wonderful a life they lead, Derek came back from the vacation with a few horror stories on daddy's temper (like using the h word, b word and d word-something he said he NEVER did, swearing in front of the kids). Daddy called an old guy a 'son of a (person)' because he wouldn't move his car and I asked Derek if the guy moved after Daddy said that...and how did it really help to use a bad word? Gotta love the teachable moments. I also just received the 'summer work' from Daltons teacher to help him keep up for next year, a month after school is out. Mr. Mom, who swore he helps the kids with academics has not sat down with Dalton or Derek one time to help them with some supplemental work...when both struggle in school. I could pull my hair out.

The newest news...The boys dad filed an appeal. It's a bit of cloud over my head.

SUMMER! I'm working full time. It kind of sucks. My time with the boys (weekends)is short but completely belongs to them. Derek has 'opened up' and I think is starting to feel safer in confiding his feelings to me. Dalton is just happy to be with Derek all of the time. I have so much joy when I am with them. Summer plans are reduced since I have to come up with a retainer for the appeal, but we laugh and talk, hunt monster crayfish in the creek and swim at Nanny's house. Life is good.

I'm typing up my getting ready for work time. I will be back soon! Well wishes to all... (if there is anyone out there still checking for new posts!)

Mmmmmm.

I had a great big pancake with strawberries in it, fresh strawberries on it and strawberry syrup (made by a maple syrup company) drizzled on top. It was deliciously sinful. Yum.

The kids cleaned up all of their toys from the three rooms of the house that they scattered them in and are now painting quietly, complimenting each other on their work. I'm off to the tub...then we are meeting a friend and her two girls for a late lunch before we hit "Night at the Museum" at the theater.

Why can't every day be THIS GOOD!?

I had to laugh...now, not then.

I want to write tonight. But I also really want to go to bed. So I found an old(er) blog I wrote on myspace one weekend in October that struck me as funny now, but at the time had me really, really annoyed. Dalton the terror. My devil child with the face of an angel. Master of Mischief. How boring would my life be without him!! And yes, on my away time I blogged on myspace. Yup I was lost in the myspace craze for a bit. Anywho...

"You can clutch to the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present."

I keep thinking about the wishes I make every day. "I wish I was there...I wish I could have gone...I wish I had more time...I wish I had done this..." And maybe there is a very good reason I am where I am at an given time. Maybe I just need to make more of the minutes that are filled up than wishing for a minute that really won't exist or replace it. Maybe I'm not taking advantage of all that each day has to offer right where I'm at.

And somehow this blog arose from my extreme frustration at the ruination of my night with my scary movie. Somehow my son destroyed the DVD player, the only one we have. Looks like a great deal of my get ahead money (my divorce settlement) will be now 'maintaining the status quo' money. So I'm using these few full minutes to evaluate just how important it was to enjoy a scary grown up dvd on my 'alone grown up time' when these four kids (my two boys and two nieces) go to bed. So in honor of embracing the present, my conclusion is that it was.....

PRETTY FUCKING IMPORTANT.

God damn it anyway.

(Yikes I was mad. And NO ONE could fix the dvd player. It was expensive and only one year old. But, it made it a year with Bubba in the house. So I should count myself lucky.)

Yikes, I haven't been here since October??

Well...Lots of new events to report...but I have been insanely busy up until Christmas...at which time I lost my employment until my client receives her approval for services. BAD timing...and instead of using my free time wisely I have widdled it away with anxiety and malaise. In essence, a total waste of two weeks.

In about two weeks I turn 33. I believe it's the one year anniversary of my blog (a term I use loosely since there is a group of skilled and faithful bloggers out there to which I don't belong) and I think it's time to change it up. So, sometime between now and then, I'm going to rework this thing, in a way that will represent how I intend to 're-invent' my life.

I was thinking about stuff tonight. I have to give myself this talk every once in awhile because I allow myself to get sucked into the mire and wallow there. I have been LAZY because I'm DISINTERESTED in my direction. I need CHANGE, but find I don't seek it, rather I wait for it. I'm going to be 33. And the here and now is acceptable, though not commendable...and I want to BE more. Here is so much better than last year at this time. But it's not enough.

I think that in my twenties, I made discoveries about myself. Found myself so-to-speak. My thirties will be spent refining me.

The one thing I'm acutely aware of, I'm not getting any younger.