Ahhh...always a fool....

Tonight I'm a full glass that has been tipped....and the contents come rushing out, when what I really want is a slow drip so that I can write my thoughts coherently and fluently, but really I'm spilling. I'm hitting the floor with a big splash.

I'm a person divided. I'm a bitch and a slobbering pile of mush. I'm a hard worker and tired of working. I'm confident and scared. And I don't know how to sort it all out.

If you have read (if there is a you that has read) my prior posts, there is a guy named John who has been less than a positive experience in my personal life. I left myself open again, since circumstances changed since my last post, and find myself in the same boat. Only this time, I have been left behind for a night at the bar. And usually, this shouldn't bother me too much. But I found myself jealous, angry and generally treated with an air of disrespect and lack of consideration.

I don't love this guy. I don't miss him. I don't trust him. But I have now, three times, gotten lost in the idea of him. And if I can make this make sense, I will explain if for no other reason than it is one in the morning and I need to type. I am divided. I have relied on the fact that I can make my life work with no assistance. My day to day philosophy is that I have things I want and need and I can get them. Someone said to me last Friday, "so, you work like...24 hours a day?" No it's more like 14. But the thing is, if I stay home and have no plans, I might mope or I might do something constructive. If I work, I don't have any alternative. I work. I'm busy. I'm too busy to miss anyone. If I go to the Steakhouse, I have some money in pocket and I don't have time to think about being lonely, being unhappy, worrying. I come home and sleep. I get up and work. It's simply simple.

Enter John. I have a few moments reprieve of being alone. I look forward to a touch, a warm body, whether its watching a movie or being intimate, and I like it. It fucks up my 'independent needs no one' ideal. And I want. I want him to want to hang out with me. I start thinking about what a great thing a partnership would be. So I bought him flowers because his grandmother died and its been a rough week. He stops in and I knew right away he was going to the bar. I said so. I'm pissed. I don't say too much with too much emotion because (and I had to think about this) I learned way back when in my marriage that you can't just blurt out how you feel. You hold it in and give hints...that are missed or ignored. So he left. And I felt crappy. And I think, "you know what Mindy, you stupid fucking idiot, you work and you have your beautiful children, there isn't any more that you need."

There is a twist. He met my kids briefly. He stopped over and they were still up and I had to explain. I got one hundred questions, then came the thumps from upstairs, the face peeking around the corner with some silly excuse for coming down and meeting the person that is popping in for a visit. Giggling. It took my aback a little how excited they were. I guess I learned something. If I ever date someone, who actually deserves the privelege of sharing these two rambunctious boys, it would be ok. But I'm angry. He met my kids and my practical mom feeling is that he shouldn't have.

Which brings me to another subject. Derek and Dalton both told me, two weeks ago, that they think I should have a baby. My reply, a desperate one, was that well, guys, you need a daddy to have a baby. Their response was "well we have a dad". hmmmmm. And you know, honestly, I would do it in the right situation. I really would. I LOVED having my children, and to have another would be amazing.

What I want a family, a home and something warm and comforting. What I do is throw myself into a flurry of activity that leaves no room for disappointment or opportunity. What I want makes me vulnerable. What I do makes keeps me safe.

And I'll probably just keep being busy. I just don't know how to do anything else.