Happiness

Today was a beautiful day. We packed it full.

We first went to my mom's for a bit to visit my cousin and her kids who were staying to celebrate her birthday. On our way home, around lunch time, I finally stopped at this place where this guy always sells fixed up lawnmowers. Today I bought one. After three years of dragging a heavy monster around my yard and having to fix it every hour...I bought a better used mower. I shouldn't have spent the money, but ahhh...it really felt like a good way to spend it. The kids and I then went to Agway, purchased trowels for the boys, a rake, flowers, a plant hanger, 4 bags of top soil, 1 bag of potting soil and sunflower seeds. We came home, had lunch and went to work. I installed the plant hanger on the porch and hung the beautiful red miniature petunia that Derek picked out. Then the boys and I set to cleaning out the flower beds and adding some top soil. Derek planted HIS seeds, because he has decided he wants HIS own garden. So he has a spot of his own and I'm thinking of making a little wooden sign that says "Derek's Garden". While digging in the dirt, we decided to get a bucket to create our worm farm for fishing. After, I potted some plants for in the house and the kids just played outside, rolling in the dirt, being dinosaurs eating grass...

I mowed the lawn. In 1 1/2 hours I had it mostly mowed and trimmed. It was actually more like exercise than torture. It was DOABLE with my new mower. I love it.

Then Derek remembered I had said we might catch THE WILD at the theater...and so, I shuffled the kids into a bath, threw a steak on the grill, fried some potatoes and cooked some spinach...threw grass covered self into the shower and away we went to catch the 7:00 showing of the wild. I hid 2 quart sized bags of popcorn and two water bottles in my purse. Derek giggled the entire time..and Dalton, well, he was good. Somehow at one point he had folded himself up into the spring loaded seat, but looked quite comfortable. It was funny. We ran home, and I cuddled with the kids in bed.

Today was a great day. In the midst of planting with the boys, teaching them to pull the roots out a little, showing them how deep to dig and how to cover them up, I felt at peace. The sun was warm, we were together and we made our home a little more beautiful. Derek tells me he loves me quite often, but when something pleases him a little more than usual, he repeats it several times. He did that today when he was planting his garden. I heard the whisper behind his words.."I'm happy, Mommy". So am I my son, so am I.

Tomorrow

I can't wait until tomorrow. Hmmm. I guess it IS tomorrow, being 4 minutes into Sunday. I have to get to bed. Soon.

I worked today, 3 hours with my client...if you can classify running errands, doing my grocery shopping and playing at the playground 'work'. The kids and I came home and did a little gardening. Derek was a huge helper...if you call insisting on doing it himself 'help'. I actually got the lawnmower OUT of the shed with the intention of using it to 'hay it' tomorrow. I had to work tonight. I didn't want to go in, I sound like a frog with the whooping cough. And when my babysitter came, Derek asked her to take them to the creek (it really isn't a hard thing, it keeps them busy and tires them out..bonus!), and then I asked her and she rolled her eyes. I decided right then and there...no more. I am going to be home to take them to the darn creek. But I had to go tonight and made a grand total of 47 dollars, 2 of which went by way of the bus girl and 25 to the babysitter.

And to think of all the productive things I could have done at home. At least, the fun things I could have done with the kids. But hey. I have all of my weekends free now. I can't wait to have a completely free weekend.

I totally want to go fishing. I actually could not walk by the fishing tackle today without checking it out. I didn't buy anything, as I need to get my things out of the shed to see what's there from last year. AND see if the 2 rods the kids have are usable, since Dalton walks around the yard with his at any opportunity he gets. We just might head out to one of the local lakes tomorrow afternoon.

I'll post if anything exciting happens. Maybe we'll catch a monster catfish or something.

Friday

Sometimes I forget about my survival instincts. I left that message for my ex and instantly regretted it, not because what I had to say wasn't true, but because I don't need his help. I got things figured out...I will miss an hour of work and will have to do a lot of driving (picking up my sisters car and dropping it off after) but it worked out. After I got it done, D calls me back and for some reason decided to offer to have his babysitter watch the kids until I could get there. Too little too late. Why is kindness always an afterthought with him?? I told him to nevermind, I took care of it and hung up. Have a safe trip, I hope I didn't spoil it for you. (gag, gag)

I'm sick this morning. I had a tickling cough all day yesturday and today I feel like I have a brick in my chest with a throat thats on fire. Just my luck, it has to happen on a Friday.

I'm going to get the kids tonight. I have the night off. IF we can get home at a reasonable time, I think we may just have yard night. Kids in the sandbox and me working on flower beds/herb garden and mowing. If I'm not too deathly ill by the end of today, I'll see if I can pick up the two hours I'm short this week tomorrow morning. I also have to work my shift at the Steakhouse, although I might see if one of the fill-in girls want it.

And G-Man...I totally understand. If I could I would drag you and I out of our busyness and force us to have a drink leave the rest behind. I still think you should do it regardless. Take some time for YOU this weekend. I'm gonna try...

Another Bad Day.

Right from the beginning to the end, it's been a bad day.

First, trying to reconcile the goals of the program I work for and the goals of the school I'm working in is nearly impossible. They want a TSS for the child. But sometimes they really don't want a TSS.

Second, giving up my Steakhouse job. I'm worried about income. I'm giving up my social life, because pretty much, the Steakhouse and my friends there have been it.

Third, I'm stressing about the final outcome still. Support petition dismissed...I still get what I have gotten the last three years. I'm so afraid nothing is going to change custody-wise. Screw the money. I want my kids to grow up well-adjusted rather than little control freak clones.

I'm afraid I made an error. I asked the ex to watch the kids for me for an extra hour and a 1/2 after work so I could keep the last minute appointment to get new tires. He called me at work and explained rather laughingly that he has expensive tickets to a show and he just can't not go. I called back and left a message that he claimed poverty to the court, it must be nice to be able to go to a show. He has no qualms about letting me drive an hour to pick up the kids and then refuse to let me have them when he wants to play house with his girlfriend. That he was so considerate in enrolling Dalton into a preschool 68 miles away, that I will now have to drive on a bad tire and hope it doesn't blow. That I will AGAIN be short hours at work. It was my turn for a tangent. I'm so frustrated...I have made all of the sacrifices because of his wandering penis. Screw around and screw your wife in the process. Now why can't I get a handle on that mentality???

The good news. I still get child support. I got home early tonight. But I'm home and so friggin lonely.

Ugh

It's a 13 hour work day. I'm getting extremely, increasingly frustrated with the lack of time for ANYTHING. I feel like I need the additional income of my second job, but I have no life. More than that, I have no mowed lawn which is getting higher and higher and no hope of having time to mow the ungodly thing for another 3 days. I put my notice in at the Steakhouse. I was very sad to do it, they are all my friends, employees and customers alike, and I have had some very good times there.

I'm running a little late. I'm waiting for clean clothes to dry...another hazard of my lack of time. I can't function for at least 15 minutes after waking in the morning and so now, I have 15 minutes for my clothes to dry, get make-up'ed and head out. My enthusiasm for my day job is waning. When my client is doing as she is supposed to, I sit. And I sit. And I sit. I even asked the teacher to send some busywork my way. But still I sit. And try not to fall asleep. God I want to teach.

Some interesting things. The Blue Sloth has some great things going on at his blog. I would link it but I don't know how and don't have time to figure it out. You can visit through the link on the right. The man is amazing. I'm lucky to keep the spam out let alone do anything interesting.

Brando, at One Child Left Behind, talks about his Tequilacon '06. Man I wish I could have been there.

A few updates: Nothing new on custody, it's a waiting game again. The ex is slightly more reasonable with the exception of one major tangent.

Got a card in the mail stating my teaching application is received and there are openings for the position applied for. They will be in touch if I'm selected for an interview.

My car is headed south and no its not a trip. One back door won't open at all now and it was brought to my attention that the wires are showing half way around my front tire. When do I have a free hour to get it fixed??? I don't. Hey maybe my ex will give me some tires like 2 years ago. Both had slow leaks.

I'm out. I'm going to 'fake a smile and get the coffee to go'. I hope it's sunny today.

Tid bits

Things I can share at this moment from what my attorney told me in his conference with the judge and other attorneys:

Things will change in our custody arrangement.

My ex's idea to have his son testify was a horrible idea. If he had listened to the mother of his child, he might have saved a lot of heartache for everyone.

Discussing his lifestyle before presenting a tax return with a $20, 000 a year income was probably a bad idea too.

Things I gained from this experience:

I'm not crazy. I no longer have to worry that no one will believe whether the madness I have lived with for the last 13 years, especially the last 3, is true or not. My ex-husband truly and completely let himself be seen.

That no matter what the new arrangement, whether full or a more generous partial custody, I will be my sons mom. I will always be a good mom, and I will be here for them no matter what may occur in their future.

And this may seem difficult to understand, especially if you haven't experienced emotional abuse, but I found a bit of validation for myself with these psychological exams. As I have stated before, I have constantly felt insecure about myself. I rarely do or say anything that I don't second guess. With my MMPI, which I guess is the 'lie detector' for the entire exam was, as the psychologist said, 'squeaky clean'. Meaning I was honest. Which I knew I was, but I was so freaked out by the whole thing that I guess I just did what I do...second guess. This guy said I was intelligent, socially adept and confident (go figure). All the things I strived to be, but for 6 years heard nothing but 'stupid, incompetent, and ugly.' And so, the devil on my shoulder, the spot in my being that holds the self-critic, the second guesser, is getting smaller and less significant. But he may truly never fade completely.

I may not have lived up to the expectations of some, but I'm very proud of myself. I finished a degree, even when there were months I had to beg the salvation army to help with my rent for the month, or collect movies and whatever to sell at a pawn shop for gas money. I lived through bankruptcy, and still have hopes to buy a house someday. I'm completely self-sufficient again for the first time in 12 years. It's been a hard road. Very hard. I have been very near the bottom of the barrel, but I never lost my home and always found a way to keep my car running.

During the hearing, it was insinuated that I was a royal loser. That I have part-time jobs because I just don't want to work. They had even used my social security number to try to access my online account with the Praxis testing site to say that I haven't even bothered to take the certification exams. You can imagine the feeling I had when I entered my teaching certificate into evidence and when I explained that I did in fact have my resumes 'out there'.
"I'm so sorry sweetheart, you underestimated this loser."

Two years ago almost to the month, after a day in court, I wrote this:

Tsk, tsk
a slap on the wrist
"you are not fit"
so they say,
let me ask,
who is. Who is?
the hermit?,
the guy with the gun?
the psychotic, control freak?

Wax, wane
this world is insane
nothing makes sense
what sense?
love,
love is lame
if its not
backed with a buck
love
is enough
so they say
but it doesn’t
fill you up,
hold you up
like cars
like stuff...
what does it all mean?
What does it mean?
Nothing.

Shudder, choke
what freakin’ joke
too tough
give it up
give it up
he sighed
then he lied.
am I stupid?
am I blind?
so sad,
so what do I do
what do I do?
Stand in these
new shoes
too blue
to give up
to step back
to continue.

Tsk tsk
was it worth a risk?
Who knows.
Do you?
Do you?
Tell me now
what is right?
What is reason?
It’s the pits
do you believe
this shit?
Here’s a twist..
Pucker up
lets heal the world
with a kiss
and a band-aid.

It's been hell living like this. One more day guys. Just one more day of court.

Nightmares

It was a nightmare. An emotional gauntlet. I sat through testimony, lies and accusations that were too far fetched to believe it. And this is the father of my sons.

I was going to post the details of today, but I won't. It's not over, there may a third day of this. I really wanted it over today. The nausea, tension and emotion is overwhelming.

I don't dare hope for miracles. All I can ask is that my son's best interests are served. That there is some way to preserve my right to raise my sons as the mother they need.

When I do write about it, you will be appalled. It was a living nightmare. The ex was himself in full force.

Tomorrow

In 6 hours I get up and go to court. I'll be posting later, I guess it will depend on my mind frame tomorrow afternoon.

My ex subpoena'd his 13 year old son. The ex's attorney said the he wanted his son to hear what his mother was going to testify to (for me). It's sick.

I'm going to roll around in the bed, getting some restless unsleep before tomorrow. Thanks those that have posted positive thoughts and well-wishes for the last months/weeks.

In response to my new friend Val's question...this is it. Court. My last shot. I talked to my attorney tonight, and neither of us know what the results or recommendation is from the psychological studies. 3 days left. I'm so nervous my skin is practically crawling.

On the bright side, I picked up the kids tonight and we had a great time. We went to visit our friends for an hour, then to the park and to dinner. My youngest got his favorite, peel and eat shrimp and Derek a hotdog. This dinky little restaurant we go to in this dingy little town makes some of the best food. Fresh cut fries, and fresh sliced and fried potato chips. When we were leaving, we were at the counter paying and some other people got some lottery tickets. Dalton started pushing buttons and out popped a ticket. I insisted Derek take it to the people that were just there, even though he wanted to keep it. He did, and so I bought each of the boys their own (the one dollar ones). And as luck would have it, Derek won $10.00. I tried to explain the irony in what just happened, but it was lost on him. I did enjoy the experience of doing something good and getting something good. It doesn't happen all that often and so we must treasure the moments in which it does.

And so, I dropped the kids off again at their dad's. Dalton hugged me three times and wanted to know when the next time would be when he could 'go mommy's house'. I came home and had another bad stomach experience. I really thought dinner was going to settle better this time, but not so. I'm off to visit some blogs before I'm out for the night.

Well, teaching application was not out today. Tomorrow. I struggled over writing the philosophy...I know it sounds lame, but I have such insecurity at times. I wrote it tonight, but I still need a conclusion. I'll wake up early and take a fresh look at it tomorrow to finish and proofread. I really could use another pair of eyes before I ship it out. I'm up against some tough competition. I should be more confident. I've been told that when I put my mind to it, I'm a good writer...my attorney was impressed with some of my communications to the judge and my ex. We'll see. Cross your fingers.

I have so much going on this week. The countdown continues...4 days until court. My stomach is a mass of whirling acids these days. I get heartburn from water and vomit from kool aid. Sorry for the details, but it totally sucks. Today, I could hardly eat anything. When I do, I'm overwhelmed with nausea.

I'm on my way to bed. I finished most of what I meant to finish. The rest will be just a few loose ends to tie before work. But I have this feeling as walk about the house of...incompleteness. Like I can't go to bed yet, because something is missing. The only thing I can think of is that I haven't said good-night to anyone. And so, I say "Good-night anoles, good-night Iggy and Coco. Good-night bears and good-night chairs, good-night moon. And most importantly...good-night all my blogging friends."

There. I can sleep.

Bluenewt

For you, J.

I have a secret friend. Honestly, I do. The three year anniversary of our friendship is coming up in July. We met online, through HOT OR NOT. Our friendship has had all of the elements of any other friendship with one exception...we have never met. Not once. We exchange emails, IM's, pictures and talk on the phone usually once a month, more or less. We talk about everything under the sun...we laugh, cry and even once in awhile, drink together. We have had 'disagreements' and not talked for a time, but usually one of us will write and say "Come back!" We share poems, ideas, thoughts...In a way, we share every intimate detail of our lives save the face to face smile that most friends do.

I look forward to our phone chats. I was blessed with a short conversation today. He, once again, persevered with dignity the onslaught of my ranting and raving about my ex-husband all the horrors of that relationship. We talked about some books we read, our kids and Easter plans. It was just nice. I always feel human again after we talk. You know, instead of feeling like a washer stuck on the spin cycle.

So this is for you, my friend. Happy Easter. Sending hugs and kisses to the ever distant Southwest.

Mindy

P.S.

Oh yeah, finally got my 'professional certificate' in the mail. Resumes for the 3 openings at a local school are going out Monday. If nothing else, I will beat down doors if I have to. And I might. Wish me luck.

Here bunny, bunny

The kids and I are having an early and very short Easter. I played Easter Bunny tonight. Honestly, I love it. The kids went to sleep late, and Derek very nearly ruined it for himself by snooping in the closet for who knows what...my bad. What a dumb idea, putting everything right there in the kitchen closet. So they went to sleep and I went to work.

The Easter baskets the kids get are a work of art. I never buy the pre-made ones, I always do my own. This year, there was so much stuff I had to buy two bigger baskets that look alot like small laundry baskets. I filled them with WAAAYYY too much candy in spite of this years resolve to limit it.

So when everything was done, I chewed a carrot and let little pieces on the table with a bunch of jelly beans and just felt...like a large furry rodent looking for mischief. I totally got caught up in being Easter bunny. I hid the baskets so well that I left a note from bunny with clues as to where they are. I wish we had more time in the morning, I would have done some things outside as well.

I'm going to make the kids eggs and cinnamon rolls in the morning. I'm going to let them eat some of their candy but not enough to make them sick and them I'm taking them to their dad's. I may not have the quantity of time I would like, but they will have a quality Easter morning. Damn it.

Thunderstorms

It's going to be another sleepless night. I came home and thought I saw the flash of lightning. As it turns out, I did. I was reading a few blogs before bed and then came this huge crashing thunder. Seriously, I felt the floor shake for at least 10 seconds. I usually don't mind thunderstorms. Mostly when the boys are here...we all pile into my bed together. I'm alone tonight. The scarier storms remind me of when I was a child, about 7, when I learned about Armageddon from the Jehovah's Witnesses and thought every storm was the end of the world. I remember sitting on the floor crying in the livingroom while my mom tried to console me. I was an emotional child. I felt the weight of the world early on. I remember another time sitting on the stoop, listening to Meatloaf on a summer day at the same house...the one on Barber road. I cried and cried when I realized what the words were to "Heaven can wait". I was young then too...it was before I was in third grade, because we had moved from the house.

Anyhow. I'm not good weathering thunderstorms alone. And I'm still so tired I can't stand it. I have no clue when these resumes will get done, the Standard Teaching application filled out and a Philosophy of Education written. And my taxes. It's all just piling up. And emotions...today, my 'kid' at school wigged out. She has been through so much. I talked to her and plainly said that she was making it worse by screaming and running. I offered her alternative ways to express her feelings...no matter what she felt or needed to say I would be there... but she had to do it differently. She started to cry, silently and real tears...and I fought it but still the sting of tears came for this little kid.

I meant to call my sons from work, but before I realized it, it was after 8:00. The heavy weight of guilt fell and I called anyway. No answer of course, but I left a message that their father won't let them hear. I'll call them in the morning and will see them tomorrow night. I miss them.

I'm off to read a little more and will head to bed. Maybe the plinking of the raindrops on the rooftop will lull me into a deep, restful, satisfying and desperately needed sleep.

Another Day.

I can't seem to keep up. I'm a step behind in every avenue of my life. I scheduled an observation at work, and totally forgot about it. My client left for a home visit early and so my BSC will be observing nothing today. Shit.

I dragged at work last night. Literally had to force myself to smile at people coming in for their Steakhouse dining experience and really, I could care less about their experience or tip. I just wanted to come home and drop. But then, my co-worker met a guy from an internet site and she, another co-worker and he were meeting for coffee after work. I wasn't going to go...but then I realized the guy was CHARLIE (YES, I squealed at the top of my lungs and gave him a huge hug) and so went along. He is the younger brother of one of my best friends of 13 years...and we had so many funny stories to talk about and news to catch up on. It was very cool, but I stayed up very late and am now very, very, very tired.

I also had a chance to talk to my co-op from student-teaching about the job openings in the district. I was feeling positive until I heard that competition will be tough with an Administrators wife and head of the Head Start program at the school applying for the Kindergarden position and a well respected and faithful substitute applying for the 6th grade position. I really don't think I have a shot. But I will apply and see how it goes.

I still can't get any information about the ex's planned spring break trip. No idea when he leaves or comes back and every call is an argument. Every word is a slam. So I resorted to emailing the other ex-wife and things on her end are oh so miserable too...and she has no information about this trip either. Darwin has also decided that his twelve year old son that he doesn't have custody of should testify for him in court regarding our two. What a sicko. And other ex is livid...rightly so.

But now I have an unplanned 2 free hours so I have Easter baskets to put together, laundry piled high and a house to clean. My body tells me to plop my butt on the floor with a soft pillow and a movie...my head is telling me to get busy. I'm off the fight this battle until it is time to go to work with a forced smile, aching back and heavy eyelids.

Blue

It has been a busy day. Very busy. Trying to catch up on all of the mothering of two boys that I miss all week. We had a bit of a lazy morning. Went shopping for groceries, then to the Dollar Store, McDonalds for lunch, went to the movies (Ice Age: The Meltdown), and then to my mom's for a family Easter Egg hunt and picnic dinner. I'm beat. And the kids refuse to go to sleep.

I had another discussion about Easter weekend. Darwin says I can have the kids Friday, but wants them back at 10:00 a.m. So that means we have to have our Easter morning finished by 9:00. I told him that he refused me any of the boys in service days and an entire two weeks for winter and spring breaks, and asked if can't I at least keep them til noon. That started a round of...you get them the first two weeks of summer...you get them three weekends a month..and I said well you have them all week and take all of their days off. It literally drives him insane that there is even a small portion of this arrangement that he can't dictate the rules for. Then I realized he dragged me into this immature argument and finally said "Call me when you can decide to act like a 48 year old." People tell me...tell the judge, just tell the judge. But right now, I don't want leverage...as useful as it is. I want a fun and happy Easter morning with the boys.

I usually go to great pains on Sunday nights to make Monday mornings as simple as possible, but tonight I just want to go to bed. I have the kids clothes laid out, but not mine. Lunches need to be packed, medicine ready to send along...and I should document another altercation with the ex. I have three days of lasts weeks paperwork to catch up on for work. And several resumes to be modified, cover letters to write, all that stuff to be out in the mail by Wednesday. I have not one ounce of energy left. I'm exhausted.

I'm pretty good at being alone these days. It took me a very long time to be at least ok with it. But I have moments, like now, where I wish I wasn't. I guess it's not the first time I wrote this.

11 days left. I get sicker and more stressed as the countdown continues.

Thoughts

How do I make this kiss
last one minute, one day
after you have gone?
When my arms are not long enough
to reach wherever you may be,
will you remember my hug?
When you are lost
and cannot find me that moment,
how will you feel my love?
My child, my son, sweet Dalton,
my love runs deeper
than any ocean.
My child, my son, dear Derek
my love is greater than the number
of stars in the night sky.
And if you should forget,
then think of the times
I watched you leave.
Because those were the times
when my heart ached
to hold you more tightly.
Those were the times
my love was laden with strength,
and I truly, never let you go.

Busy

Posts will be few for awhile. Starting Monday my workweek is now 55 to 60 hours. And I thought I was tired after 45.

I went to pick up my son at school yesturday and was informed by his teacher that he was out and at his dad's with strep throat. I was fortunate enough to have an understanding employer at the restaurant and so was able to stay home with him last night. He slept in my bed, tossed and turned all night...I got up once because he was hot with a fever to give him some tylenol. Poor kid! He's still sleeping and I'm hoping his fever breaks today.

Derek was so sick, but when we came home with a few groceries and the kids tylenol (I had run out!), he came up to me when I was unloading and took the bags from my hand. When he went to bed, he again thanked me for the lizards I let him buy and said I was the best mommy in the world. Before he went to sleep, he said my bed was the best...soft and comfortable. Being a parent is so gratifying at times.

I have to work tonight. I wish I didn't. I had taken off the entire weekend for Easter, to find out that Darwin is insisting he have that weekend for his one a month weekend custody. I wrote him a letter two weeks ago (the one he threw in my face) because as soon as I looked at the schedule for the month, I knew he would do it. But, he had beaten me to it...a message on the machine I had not received he stated he was taking that weekend. I argued it, but when push comes to shove, if I go to pick them up on Friday, he will not be home, as is his practice. The part that sucks is that when this 'court order' was written Derek was in Pre-K and so all of their days off and vacations (except Christmas) was over-looked. So Derek has an entire week off and Darwin is saying that I get none of it per our court order. So I have no Easter with the kids their entire vacation. However, I begged him when I called one day for the 14th and 15th to celebrate the holiday...and he is letting Derek make the decision. It's bad enough that two weekends ago Darwin made it extremely clear to Derek that he can do whatever he wants where mommy is concerned. And now he is letting Derek (who is 8 years old) make decisions about our custody agreement. Am I wrong in thinking that this is wrong???

He's punishing me for Christmas vacation. At our first hearing, the Judge changed our order, but failed to write it in the interim order. The vacation was more equally divided, instead of exchanging the boys every two days. Darwin took the Friday night I would have had by the old order, and so I was led to believe we were following the Judges said schedule. Christmas eve he hit me with his plan. I stood my ground, kept the kids my 5 days of the vacation, even when he showed up at the door gave me one really angry look. He, however, got his half of the vacation...as is fair. But he didn't get all of the quality time with his newest victim to play happy family. I don't know whats going on, but all of these latest heated arguments are over weekends that she and her daughter are there. I have a feeling she'll be in court testifying to all the wonders of Darwin. If I know anything, I know she's seeing little things that bother her...but he's so perfect she disregards it as her own paranoia. She won't realize it until he turns on her and he will, especially if she interferes between him and the children.

Anyway. I'm off to enjoy the day I have with the kids today and try not to think about all of the other stuff. I'll be back sometime later.

Dream

I was just married and my faceless lover and I were in this apartment with family, but family I didn't know. The room was simple and rustic with a wood stove and cots for sleeping clothed with patched quilts. There were plants everywhere and if you walked far enough to left of the room, the plants became more dense as though walking into a lush rainforest. My newly beloved was nude, as was I, but the feeling was that only we perceived each other that way. It was sensual not sexual, peaceful, so peaceful, and gentle. I didn't know my lover, but there was an air of familiarity. Every exchanged word, glance and touch was with a gentleness I have never experienced. We were walking about the room, unpacking, but always acutely aware of the others proximity. The room was warm with the burning wood stove. I don't remember the specific words exchanged or even a touch, but I felt that I was secure and loved, combined with the twinge of expectation. There was no conclusion, but I awoke with the beautiful a feeling of gentle peace. And so, I hit the snooze button and tried to return to no avail. It was a work day. I have returned to this dream several times throughout the day. I try to interpret it's meaning, but mostly, I just enjoy the lingering feeling.

Updates: I shared my story of Coco's rescue with the kids. Derek giggled and thought it was hilarious. Dalton smiled and asked me if we had to give Coco away now. I said no, but he has to be a big boy and take better care of his pet hermit crab. He can't wait to come home and see Coco safe and sound with his own eyes. I'm so happy for my son's joy, for Coco's well-being, and for my sweet smelling deadhermitcrabstench-free home.

Sweet dreams all. I truly mean that.

Coping in Chaos

First, a conversation from last night;

(Dalton enters kitchen from living room) Dalton: My hermit crab is gone!
Me: Dalton where is it?
Dalton: It was on the floor, and it's gone. It crawled away.
Me: WHAT!? Why was it out of it's cage?
Dalton: I put it on the floor next to me.
Me: Dalton why did you leave it there? You know how fast he crawls!!
Dalton shrugs his shoulders: He's gone. Find my hermit crab?
Me, pulling out furniture furiously looking for the white snail shell called coco: Dalton!! I can't believe you! If we find that crab, you will never touch it again. If we don't find that crab, you will never touch it again. And you will never, ever have another hermit crab again. Now he's going to die, and he's going to stink like crazy, and it will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!
(Dalton appears nonchalant)
Me: It's time for bed. I'll look for Coco later.
Dalton: Find my hermit crab for me, mommy?
Me (to self silently) Why did I leave the cage out? Why did I let him talk me into letting him look at the crab? DID I NOT KNOW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!
Me: Dalton I will try.

Later that night, I turn off the lights and go upstairs. I wait. I come back down, flip on the lights and AHA! No sign of the crab. I go to bed.

(Next morning) I creep down the steps and flip on the lights. Search furiously and no crab. Get kids to school. Go to work.

I become the Forest Gump of TSS staff. I am involved in an involuntary game of tag and hide and seek in an Elementary school. I run up the hallway, I run down the hallway, up the hallway and down again. Fly girl tags kindergartener and carries to Principal's office. Was it really last week that I thought my job was cake??

Come home and receive IM from mother;

Mom: You there?
Me: Yup
Me: You?
Mom: just got home, can't wait til this shit is over with D***** (my ex-husband)
Mom: I had a nightmare and he was in it last night.
Mom: I was up every hour.
Me: Welcome to the club...lol.

(Note to self: the disease has spread. Attempt to decontaminate)

Conversation with Dalton on the phone;

Dalton: Did you find my hermit crab?
Me: No, Dalton I didn't.
Dalton: Leave his blue shell out and he will come out.
Me: Oh, he will come out for his shell?
Dalton: Yeah. He will pinch Iggy.
Me: He won't pinch Iggy, honey.
Dalton: No, Daddy doesn't have a hermit crab. He doesn't have an Iggy, only at your house.
Me: (???) I know, I will look for Coco, I promise.
Dalton: I want to come to your house.
Me: Tomorrow, Dalton. I will see you tomorrow.

After conversation: I pull out every peice of furniture in the living room. I pull out ever peice of furniture in the family room. I drag the washer and dryer out in the bathroom. I pull out the refrigerator, take off the cover in the front, look with a flashlight in the back. Find hole in the cabinets and hope like hell Coco isn't in there. I look under the stove, pull it out and no crab.

Oh MY GOD, I hear clinking. Shhhh! More clinking. It's the damn crab, it has to be!!! BRB.

It was him. The little shit was crawling out from behind the refrigerator while I was typing and heading back under it when I nabbed him. He must've known I was blogging about him. Whew. I have to say, he has character and all that, but Coco is just plain creepy.

What a day.

The Tenant

It was another good day, mostly. The kids and I took a trip to see Aunt Becky and their cousins. We came home and took a trip to the creek, we caught one little crayfish and skipped rocks. And then we had steaks on the grill for dinner. That's when our good day came to a screeching halt.

I had written a note to my 'neighbor' that lives in the back efficiency apartment of the house. I have the entire house except for that, and I absolutely hate it. The current occupant is the one and only occupant I cannot seem to maintain a level of civility with. It began with the first time he was living there and one of the kids left the walkway door open. He came in, slammed the door and hollered "dumbass' loudly enough to be heard by the entire neighborhood. I have never seen him smile, or so much as say hello. Ever. So, my note consisted of a request to have him not drop his cigarrette butts in my driveway (and I did say please). I also told him that I put a can on the stoop so that he could dispose of them there. Well, apparently I offended him quite badly, because he knocked on my door and told me if I leave another note he's going to report me for trespassing. (In a year, it was the second one). He also called me a 'hog' (in front of my kids) because the kids bikes were in the driveway and I had a folded up kennel, carseat and our shoes in the entranceway. It didn't seem to matter that even with the kids bikes technically IN the driveway, there was still room enough for three cars to park and that my things in no way prohibited him from entering the doorway or into his residence. Well, I have not had much back bone of late, and so, I cried. I can't seem to take a cross look from anyone without a tear. Tears and then the churning of my stomach. So he left and came back again, I had to ask..."Do you work at being miserable or does it come naturally?" That began another tirade...and thank God, Geoff, my employer at the Steakhouse dropped by to tell me I didn't have to work tomorrow night. He asked if I was ok, and the 'neighbor' got into his truck, pulled up in front of him instead of taking the opposite way down the street, like he was going to run him off the road. That was the end of that. But throughout the whole rest of the night, Derek asked me if I was ok, told me I looked sad. Derek even told me to make sure the doors were locked tonight, my poor kid. I called my landlord and told him that I am going to start looking for another place...it isn't a notice, just a heads up. We just didn't need this tonight. I totally didn't need it.

I wish that I had someone to sit on the front porch with me, with a cup of coffee, to talk about the good and bad stuff of the day. Instead, I am sitting at my desk typing my woes and joys into a blog, feeling like a jerk for requesting that my driveway be butt free and that something so stupid had to taint our Sunday night. Tomorrow another week begins, there are lunches to pack and clothes to lay out for work and school. And while I'm feeling quite blue, part of me wants to tell the 'tenant' to take his bad attitude and stick it up his...

A Day

It's April 1st already. Where did March go?? I find myself reflecting on whole weeks gone past...so, so quickly it's frightening. There is so much to be done this month. There are so many big things happening. So many huge changes may occur. I find myself as about as tense as I have ever been...some days to the point of feeling seriously ill.

I worked tonight at the restaurant. I love it there, but tonight it hardly seemed with my time. After paying my tip out to the bus girl, the babysitter, and what I owed my boss's daughter for Easter chocolate (for the kids baskets) I came home with 15 dollars. Ah, well. So it goes.

I got home tonight and my youngest was sleeping, he was so tired. Derek was awake and waiting for me. He smiled and asked me to cuddle while he finished watching his movie 'Dinosaur'. I put my arm around him and he said "I missed you Mommy. I like this, spending time together just you and me." That's my son. My beautiful boy. The movie ended, I kissed him and said good-night.

Simple Things

I awoke to the promise of an extremely hectic day, but a rare thing happened, a small change completely turned things around. Phyllis worked for me. Thank God. So, instead of driving at an unsafe speed in order to make it home and to work, (I nearly got a ticket on my way to pick up the kids), we had a leisurely drive home. We took our lizards and hermit crab to share with Derek's class the last 15 minutes of the day, and so it was nice to not have to pack up and run. Iggy was so well behaved. He lay in cradled on my arm, and let all the 2nd graders ooo and ahhh and touch him.

It was a beautiful warm day. We stopped at the store to pick up some charcoal, lighter fluid, and a six pack. When we got home the kids played in the sandbox, I cooked ribs on the grill and made baked beans while I drank my Yuengling Porter. Life is good. After dinner we watched King Kong with certain scenes skipped.

Now that movie was probably one of the worst I've seen. In it's entirety, it wasn't suitable for kids, and for me, it wasn't really that captivating. I think I spent more time wondering how in the world anyone could believe that people lived through running with a heard of...allosaurus'(?) and raptors. And I won't even start on the swinging T-Rex...or the story in general...

I got my first paycheck from my 'day' job. It's certainly nothing to 'write home' about, but the feeling of productivity is comforting. I've been a waitress and clerk for so long to get by, now I'm doing something to improve the world, even if just one classroom, just one child. So when I recover from my satisfaction condition, I will figure out whether the gas bill, credit card or attorney gets paid.

I'm off to enjoy my Saturday. I do have to work tonight, but until then we are going to have a blast as soon as Derek gets his lazy butt out of bed. Happy weekend all.