Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Update (though I know not frequent enough to keep up with ya'll!)
Spring is coming!!! The whole renewal thing is creeping up on me! YAY!
I have started working out again, even if just a little....its amazing what getting your butt up and moving in the morning can do for your day. Even if I haven't slept, which seems to be a nightly thing of late, I feel energized. It's a wonderful thing....
I have the kids all TO MYSELF THIS WEEK. The ex is out of town, so no interrupting visits til Friday. We have been making the most of it with a trip to the park last night to shoot some hoops, play tag and soccer...a game of which of my son and I got creamed by two of his friends. YIKES! I better get with the program... Tonight we went to Dalton's class dinner with a friend and her son, it was so very, very nice. We all had a good time.
I made a decision to cut my hours for the remainder of the year. I work 18 hours a week with a student and had picked up 10 more after school. The ten more was stressful, only because I never knew whether or not I was going to be able to bill for the hours if a parent was/wasn't available (since we don't get paid for 'babysitting' and have to have someone to 'transfer skills' to), we had late nights and had to pay for child care regardless. Its not much of an income, however, I am here for the boys for homework and things after school and have two flexible days with which to substitute or stay home with sick kids if needed (like last week). I haven't made this little money in some time, but with the current alimony, support, occasional sub job, and steakhouse nights, it works kind of ok....when summer hits, I'll be back to my 50 hour work weeks and much reduced heating bills so I'll get right again.
I'm really looking forward to this summer. If I can, I hope to take a few road trips, do some hiking and just enjoy a piece of it for myself. I think that I have come into a new 'era' of acceptance.
No more bitching! So sorry to have subjected my faithful blogger friends to the last post!!!! :)
I have started working out again, even if just a little....its amazing what getting your butt up and moving in the morning can do for your day. Even if I haven't slept, which seems to be a nightly thing of late, I feel energized. It's a wonderful thing....
I have the kids all TO MYSELF THIS WEEK. The ex is out of town, so no interrupting visits til Friday. We have been making the most of it with a trip to the park last night to shoot some hoops, play tag and soccer...a game of which of my son and I got creamed by two of his friends. YIKES! I better get with the program... Tonight we went to Dalton's class dinner with a friend and her son, it was so very, very nice. We all had a good time.
I made a decision to cut my hours for the remainder of the year. I work 18 hours a week with a student and had picked up 10 more after school. The ten more was stressful, only because I never knew whether or not I was going to be able to bill for the hours if a parent was/wasn't available (since we don't get paid for 'babysitting' and have to have someone to 'transfer skills' to), we had late nights and had to pay for child care regardless. Its not much of an income, however, I am here for the boys for homework and things after school and have two flexible days with which to substitute or stay home with sick kids if needed (like last week). I haven't made this little money in some time, but with the current alimony, support, occasional sub job, and steakhouse nights, it works kind of ok....when summer hits, I'll be back to my 50 hour work weeks and much reduced heating bills so I'll get right again.
I'm really looking forward to this summer. If I can, I hope to take a few road trips, do some hiking and just enjoy a piece of it for myself. I think that I have come into a new 'era' of acceptance.
No more bitching! So sorry to have subjected my faithful blogger friends to the last post!!!! :)
Saturday, February 23, 2008
"Untitled"
I keep looking back at the picture I had in my mind of the life I would lead after my divorce. Some parts of my life have evolved in leaps, some in skips and some things stood still. It's always in the back of my mind that I get one shot...at raising the boys, at personal fulfillment. Maslows hierarchy of needs....where do I stand on that path?
I keep telling myself that I have to evolve with my life instead of watching it pass me by. But if I'm honest with myself, I have watched too long. Being a single mom is hard. Harder than I would have imagined. The issues I face are sometimes devastating, so that my plan for change is constantly suppressed with feelings of failure, indecision, doubt, sadness.
I have sacrificed almost everything for the kids. They have sacrificed alot as well. They have been through two psychologicals, seeing a psychologist at school, and now, a therapist through the county because my ex has once again made a phone call to Children and Youth services to have me investigated for an incident that happened in his home. My oldest sons teacher has recommended a TSS for him because although he is capable, he is underperforming at school without one on one attention, not to mention behavior issues. In order to get this service, I have to have medical insurance that will cover mental health services so I applied for Assistance from the state to be able to get him on this program. I am already being bashed by the ex for 'sucking the government dry' even though he has not ponied up with some cash to help pay for our sons needs. And then there is my own feeling of failure by having to resort to government aid. Both boys have so much anger and frustration at times, that I wonder if I did things all wrong....from my separation to the final custody order, a span of 5 years. Maybe the sacrifice should have been to deal with the bastard until they were grown. But as we all know, the what if's will drive you mad.
And on top of that...my attorney is sucking the life out of my finances. I have known since the beginning that I may not be able to financially support my custody situation with the boys. It will never stop. Looking at the percentages....I made $32,000 over the last TWO years. Just in attorneys fees I have paid $10,000, as well as fees for psychologicals. One third of my income in two years. I sent a check to my attorney last week for $1600. I have $12.00 until next Friday.
I don't know how to juggle it all. Rock bottom is constantly just outside my back door, waiting for me. Phone calls from creditors haunt me daily...dodging shut off notices is a monthly routine. I work with kids on their behavior modification plans every day, but wonder what issues I will come home to with my own. I have to cope with my sinus infection because I have no medical insurance for myself and somehow try to quiet the "howhowhowhow" at night to sleep.
The rose colored glasses are gone. This is my last indulgence in self-pity. "Live like it is, until it is..."
I keep telling myself that I have to evolve with my life instead of watching it pass me by. But if I'm honest with myself, I have watched too long. Being a single mom is hard. Harder than I would have imagined. The issues I face are sometimes devastating, so that my plan for change is constantly suppressed with feelings of failure, indecision, doubt, sadness.
I have sacrificed almost everything for the kids. They have sacrificed alot as well. They have been through two psychologicals, seeing a psychologist at school, and now, a therapist through the county because my ex has once again made a phone call to Children and Youth services to have me investigated for an incident that happened in his home. My oldest sons teacher has recommended a TSS for him because although he is capable, he is underperforming at school without one on one attention, not to mention behavior issues. In order to get this service, I have to have medical insurance that will cover mental health services so I applied for Assistance from the state to be able to get him on this program. I am already being bashed by the ex for 'sucking the government dry' even though he has not ponied up with some cash to help pay for our sons needs. And then there is my own feeling of failure by having to resort to government aid. Both boys have so much anger and frustration at times, that I wonder if I did things all wrong....from my separation to the final custody order, a span of 5 years. Maybe the sacrifice should have been to deal with the bastard until they were grown. But as we all know, the what if's will drive you mad.
And on top of that...my attorney is sucking the life out of my finances. I have known since the beginning that I may not be able to financially support my custody situation with the boys. It will never stop. Looking at the percentages....I made $32,000 over the last TWO years. Just in attorneys fees I have paid $10,000, as well as fees for psychologicals. One third of my income in two years. I sent a check to my attorney last week for $1600. I have $12.00 until next Friday.
I don't know how to juggle it all. Rock bottom is constantly just outside my back door, waiting for me. Phone calls from creditors haunt me daily...dodging shut off notices is a monthly routine. I work with kids on their behavior modification plans every day, but wonder what issues I will come home to with my own. I have to cope with my sinus infection because I have no medical insurance for myself and somehow try to quiet the "howhowhowhow" at night to sleep.
The rose colored glasses are gone. This is my last indulgence in self-pity. "Live like it is, until it is..."
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Interesting (and fun) afternoon....
So....today my client didn't show up for school due to the stomach flu. I ended up getting a last minute sub call from subfinder(called at 11;40 for a sub job to start at 11:30) so I dropped everything and left. It was a nice afternoon. Taught two classes science (all about negatively and positively charged particles...took a little digging to find that in my brain) one of which was my son's 4th grade class.
So I'm establishing what they know about positive and negative charges as it relates to lightning, and my son, whose class has established clearly that the sub is his mom, answers a question about condensation (cloud forms)and I'm a little proud, can't help it. I teach the lesson then I give the assignment to answer the three questions at the bottom of the page, and I'm explaining and re-explaining, so Derek raises his hand when some of the kids are done. I go to him and he hands me his paper. A paper that has little question marks around one big question mark in the middle. And so, I wondered how he would act with mom as the teacher and I found out. Just like he acts at home! (Oh yeah, and he didn't bring his book home to do the assignment for homework. BUT, I remember the questions and the lesson so the little turd didn't get out of it.)
So I'm establishing what they know about positive and negative charges as it relates to lightning, and my son, whose class has established clearly that the sub is his mom, answers a question about condensation (cloud forms)and I'm a little proud, can't help it. I teach the lesson then I give the assignment to answer the three questions at the bottom of the page, and I'm explaining and re-explaining, so Derek raises his hand when some of the kids are done. I go to him and he hands me his paper. A paper that has little question marks around one big question mark in the middle. And so, I wondered how he would act with mom as the teacher and I found out. Just like he acts at home! (Oh yeah, and he didn't bring his book home to do the assignment for homework. BUT, I remember the questions and the lesson so the little turd didn't get out of it.)
My life is crazy....
I have so much going on everyday. It's amazing how things change, and so quickly. The scoop on the job front is this....
I began the year with a client at my son's school, in 1st grade. Things were set up nicely for me and for the kids. I simply dropped the kids off at school when I went to work and took them home after. Well, my client's caregiver decided she didn't like me (for no real reason, no valid on as I was told by my supervisor) so I was pulled from her and given another client with 12 less hours and in the middle school. So I was pretty well screwed with hours, and pay,(not to mention the fact that I had been effective with the client) very discouraged with the whole situation. BUT, in the middle school, I developed a relationship with the Life Skills teacher who has been an AWESOME support. As it turned out she worked in my Aunt's Emotional Support Classroom before getting her teaching certification. She basically didn't want anyone in her room with my client. She told me today, she was especially pleased that if anyone was going to be there, that it was me and has had me sub one day for her, as well as set up another day to sub in two weeks. She also(when I started) set strict hours for me to be with the client and has offered to let me compact those into three days so that I can sub two. She has given me a heads up on future teaching positions and has offered to send recommendations to other teachers for me as a sub for those two days.
This is awesome since I am so very dissatisfied with my job as a TSS. I'm annoyed at being 'fired' from a client because of a wacko caregiver, also because my schedule. I was offered an afterschool job with a client that I refused because of a personal knowledge of the family. Then offered another, even though my supervisor is aware of my schedule with the boys (I only have them during school days, D has one day afterschool and all weekends) and threatened me with losing my partial unemployment if I didn't accept the job. (Funny how I never got a call back on getting another client until after I filed for UC.)
So now, I have two clients, have to hurry up and get afterschool child care, and will probably be substituting more. I just feel like this schedule is going to be insane. However, I might actually have some money for Christmas, and if I get a toe in at the middle school....well the goal is a teaching position. Keep an eye on the goal, Minmonster....
Oh yeah, and my car started smoking this week. Last night I found out it was a head gasket (they are pretty sure). I was all set to go postal thinking that there goes any money I set aside for my sons birthday and Christmas when I was assured it was covered by my extended warranty. Whew. I'm pretty relieved that I didn't cancel it as I had been thinking about for a couple of months now.
Gotta run, my client was sick today and so....I'm out of a days pay. Oh the ups and downs....
I began the year with a client at my son's school, in 1st grade. Things were set up nicely for me and for the kids. I simply dropped the kids off at school when I went to work and took them home after. Well, my client's caregiver decided she didn't like me (for no real reason, no valid on as I was told by my supervisor) so I was pulled from her and given another client with 12 less hours and in the middle school. So I was pretty well screwed with hours, and pay,(not to mention the fact that I had been effective with the client) very discouraged with the whole situation. BUT, in the middle school, I developed a relationship with the Life Skills teacher who has been an AWESOME support. As it turned out she worked in my Aunt's Emotional Support Classroom before getting her teaching certification. She basically didn't want anyone in her room with my client. She told me today, she was especially pleased that if anyone was going to be there, that it was me and has had me sub one day for her, as well as set up another day to sub in two weeks. She also(when I started) set strict hours for me to be with the client and has offered to let me compact those into three days so that I can sub two. She has given me a heads up on future teaching positions and has offered to send recommendations to other teachers for me as a sub for those two days.
This is awesome since I am so very dissatisfied with my job as a TSS. I'm annoyed at being 'fired' from a client because of a wacko caregiver, also because my schedule. I was offered an afterschool job with a client that I refused because of a personal knowledge of the family. Then offered another, even though my supervisor is aware of my schedule with the boys (I only have them during school days, D has one day afterschool and all weekends) and threatened me with losing my partial unemployment if I didn't accept the job. (Funny how I never got a call back on getting another client until after I filed for UC.)
So now, I have two clients, have to hurry up and get afterschool child care, and will probably be substituting more. I just feel like this schedule is going to be insane. However, I might actually have some money for Christmas, and if I get a toe in at the middle school....well the goal is a teaching position. Keep an eye on the goal, Minmonster....
Oh yeah, and my car started smoking this week. Last night I found out it was a head gasket (they are pretty sure). I was all set to go postal thinking that there goes any money I set aside for my sons birthday and Christmas when I was assured it was covered by my extended warranty. Whew. I'm pretty relieved that I didn't cancel it as I had been thinking about for a couple of months now.
Gotta run, my client was sick today and so....I'm out of a days pay. Oh the ups and downs....
Sunday, November 25, 2007
...of my midlife crisis???
Oh, ho, I have not posted in awhile. That last post was tough to re-read. All that happy shit about a new relationship. (WOW do I sound bitter!) Needless to say, it ended badly. Very badly. I was so totally roped in by the lies...lots of them.
And so, although after my marriage I promised myself that I would never, ever take an antidepressant again, I ended up taking one. I was on another brink, one of despair. It was the relationship, and the numerous other little things happening all at once that made me feel like cracking. It was not a good, clean character building hardship. I worked my ass off to get where I am at, meager as it may be, and found myself staring at it all falling apart. I would explain, but even on here it's humiliating. Now mind you, I'm not a kill myself type person in the worst of circumstances. BUT I was having trouble functioning. Couldn't control the tears. I went to see my doctor. She listened carefully while I tearly explained my predicament. She looked at me and said tenatively, "That's a lot for one person to handle on their own, I'm not sure how you did it this long". She asked me if I needed a few days on the 'third floor' and when I refused the tempting offer, she wrote me a perscription. I got over it. I found my strength that failed me for a couple of weeks. And I got mad. You see, I felt so badly for this guy that I helped him buy a car. I didn't put alot of money into it, but the title, registration and insurance was all in my name. He ran, and I didn't know where he or the car was. He refused to meet me several times to get the info switched over. So I called the local police, the state police, the local police when I found out what town he was in and they all said "sorry, its a civil matter, can't help ya." So I started calling people. I knew the town he was in and planned. I decided, enough is enough, took my sister, a sledgehammer, a knife, and the key I wasn't sure fit the car or not. Because if I couldn't drive it, I was taking out the windshield and tires before I left. I drove around for two hours before finding the car. When I did find it, I got in it and drove away. The funny part was when he called the police and reported it stolen. And that was my big revenge for being used and lied to. Not much, but it helped.
So, that nightmare is over with. There is still the ex-husband who asked to keep the kids overnight tonight. Said that they both wanted to stay, so I said it was ok. Derek called and started to cry because he was worried he couldn't because Dalton was crying because he wanted to come home. I talked to Dalton and he was better after I told him that we had two whole, special days together off from school. BUT there was an argument with Darwin and he was so freaking unreasonable that at the end of the first conversation I couldn't speak. He said "well can the kids stay or not?" after he knew he pissed me off. He was saying hello....hello...and I was choking out an Uhh, hmmm, because I didn't trust myself to say anything. "You motherfucking, cocksucking lying selfish son of a bitch" was dying to fly off the tip of my tongue and it was a lot to hold it in. He hung up on me and I took a few deep breaths before calling back. I said that I talked to Dalton and hes ok with staying, that I am not pulling the rug out from under the kids because "you are being a jerk" but just because you are disgruntled about one decision I made you didn't like, doesn't mean I have to kiss your butt for months. Get over it. I hung up. And I am determined that from here on in, I'm done. I cannot talk to the man. It will give me a stroke one of these days.
So tonight, I'm home alone listening to the rain thinking of all the things I don't want to do, thinking of nothing I want to do and feeling quite lost. But the boys are coming home tomorrow. And we will have two very special days together.
And so, although after my marriage I promised myself that I would never, ever take an antidepressant again, I ended up taking one. I was on another brink, one of despair. It was the relationship, and the numerous other little things happening all at once that made me feel like cracking. It was not a good, clean character building hardship. I worked my ass off to get where I am at, meager as it may be, and found myself staring at it all falling apart. I would explain, but even on here it's humiliating. Now mind you, I'm not a kill myself type person in the worst of circumstances. BUT I was having trouble functioning. Couldn't control the tears. I went to see my doctor. She listened carefully while I tearly explained my predicament. She looked at me and said tenatively, "That's a lot for one person to handle on their own, I'm not sure how you did it this long". She asked me if I needed a few days on the 'third floor' and when I refused the tempting offer, she wrote me a perscription. I got over it. I found my strength that failed me for a couple of weeks. And I got mad. You see, I felt so badly for this guy that I helped him buy a car. I didn't put alot of money into it, but the title, registration and insurance was all in my name. He ran, and I didn't know where he or the car was. He refused to meet me several times to get the info switched over. So I called the local police, the state police, the local police when I found out what town he was in and they all said "sorry, its a civil matter, can't help ya." So I started calling people. I knew the town he was in and planned. I decided, enough is enough, took my sister, a sledgehammer, a knife, and the key I wasn't sure fit the car or not. Because if I couldn't drive it, I was taking out the windshield and tires before I left. I drove around for two hours before finding the car. When I did find it, I got in it and drove away. The funny part was when he called the police and reported it stolen. And that was my big revenge for being used and lied to. Not much, but it helped.
So, that nightmare is over with. There is still the ex-husband who asked to keep the kids overnight tonight. Said that they both wanted to stay, so I said it was ok. Derek called and started to cry because he was worried he couldn't because Dalton was crying because he wanted to come home. I talked to Dalton and he was better after I told him that we had two whole, special days together off from school. BUT there was an argument with Darwin and he was so freaking unreasonable that at the end of the first conversation I couldn't speak. He said "well can the kids stay or not?" after he knew he pissed me off. He was saying hello....hello...and I was choking out an Uhh, hmmm, because I didn't trust myself to say anything. "You motherfucking, cocksucking lying selfish son of a bitch" was dying to fly off the tip of my tongue and it was a lot to hold it in. He hung up on me and I took a few deep breaths before calling back. I said that I talked to Dalton and hes ok with staying, that I am not pulling the rug out from under the kids because "you are being a jerk" but just because you are disgruntled about one decision I made you didn't like, doesn't mean I have to kiss your butt for months. Get over it. I hung up. And I am determined that from here on in, I'm done. I cannot talk to the man. It will give me a stroke one of these days.
So tonight, I'm home alone listening to the rain thinking of all the things I don't want to do, thinking of nothing I want to do and feeling quite lost. But the boys are coming home tomorrow. And we will have two very special days together.
Friday, August 31, 2007
My once a month (or maybe 6 months) blog....
So...school is in session. Derek and Dalton are both here in the local school. Derek is playing football which allowed him a few friendships to buffer the beginning of a brand new classroom. Dalton has 'looped' with the same teacher he had last year in Kindergarten. I have a new client in Dalton's K-1 school, so there is no stress of getting the boys to school early enough to make it to work, when I drop them off, I am at work. Things are pretty good. Not perfect, sometimes hectic, but good.
There is a new 'love interest' in the works. It's only been three weeks, but I find I am very happy....at most times. Very nervous at other times. He's been attentive to put it mildly, does and says the right things...very good with the boys. But I seem to have this internal wall up that is suspicious of things that are too good. But then, they are not...he is in the beginnings of his own custody dispute with his ex that rivals my battle in its vindictiveness. I mean, how awful would it be to raise three children, one for 8 years, and find out that two were never yours??? But this scares me too. So, I'm hanging out and just seeing where it leads. And I'm enjoying the attention, I must say.
On my own kid front, well...still trying to pay the amount for the appeal. $2800 bucks. A little scared but it's not the worst fear I have felt in the last 4 years. Still thinking about the online courses for my masters in psychology...I need to take the leap, but nervous about the time I have available for classes and studying when I seem to have so little at the moment.
I'm ok. It was nice to hear from my pal, Kai!!!! And Val, who is an every faithful blog friend...and I'm so bad at it.
I ACTUALLY have a 'free' night. I'm thinking about removing the remainders of the toenail polish I put on in May, and repainting them. I might take a bath and then go out to have a drink. I might take a nap. Oh, the possibilities.....
There is a new 'love interest' in the works. It's only been three weeks, but I find I am very happy....at most times. Very nervous at other times. He's been attentive to put it mildly, does and says the right things...very good with the boys. But I seem to have this internal wall up that is suspicious of things that are too good. But then, they are not...he is in the beginnings of his own custody dispute with his ex that rivals my battle in its vindictiveness. I mean, how awful would it be to raise three children, one for 8 years, and find out that two were never yours??? But this scares me too. So, I'm hanging out and just seeing where it leads. And I'm enjoying the attention, I must say.
On my own kid front, well...still trying to pay the amount for the appeal. $2800 bucks. A little scared but it's not the worst fear I have felt in the last 4 years. Still thinking about the online courses for my masters in psychology...I need to take the leap, but nervous about the time I have available for classes and studying when I seem to have so little at the moment.
I'm ok. It was nice to hear from my pal, Kai!!!! And Val, who is an every faithful blog friend...and I'm so bad at it.
I ACTUALLY have a 'free' night. I'm thinking about removing the remainders of the toenail polish I put on in May, and repainting them. I might take a bath and then go out to have a drink. I might take a nap. Oh, the possibilities.....
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Ahhh...always a fool....
Tonight I'm a full glass that has been tipped....and the contents come rushing out, when what I really want is a slow drip so that I can write my thoughts coherently and fluently, but really I'm spilling. I'm hitting the floor with a big splash.
I'm a person divided. I'm a bitch and a slobbering pile of mush. I'm a hard worker and tired of working. I'm confident and scared. And I don't know how to sort it all out.
If you have read (if there is a you that has read) my prior posts, there is a guy named John who has been less than a positive experience in my personal life. I left myself open again, since circumstances changed since my last post, and find myself in the same boat. Only this time, I have been left behind for a night at the bar. And usually, this shouldn't bother me too much. But I found myself jealous, angry and generally treated with an air of disrespect and lack of consideration.
I don't love this guy. I don't miss him. I don't trust him. But I have now, three times, gotten lost in the idea of him. And if I can make this make sense, I will explain if for no other reason than it is one in the morning and I need to type. I am divided. I have relied on the fact that I can make my life work with no assistance. My day to day philosophy is that I have things I want and need and I can get them. Someone said to me last Friday, "so, you work like...24 hours a day?" No it's more like 14. But the thing is, if I stay home and have no plans, I might mope or I might do something constructive. If I work, I don't have any alternative. I work. I'm busy. I'm too busy to miss anyone. If I go to the Steakhouse, I have some money in pocket and I don't have time to think about being lonely, being unhappy, worrying. I come home and sleep. I get up and work. It's simply simple.
Enter John. I have a few moments reprieve of being alone. I look forward to a touch, a warm body, whether its watching a movie or being intimate, and I like it. It fucks up my 'independent needs no one' ideal. And I want. I want him to want to hang out with me. I start thinking about what a great thing a partnership would be. So I bought him flowers because his grandmother died and its been a rough week. He stops in and I knew right away he was going to the bar. I said so. I'm pissed. I don't say too much with too much emotion because (and I had to think about this) I learned way back when in my marriage that you can't just blurt out how you feel. You hold it in and give hints...that are missed or ignored. So he left. And I felt crappy. And I think, "you know what Mindy, you stupid fucking idiot, you work and you have your beautiful children, there isn't any more that you need."
There is a twist. He met my kids briefly. He stopped over and they were still up and I had to explain. I got one hundred questions, then came the thumps from upstairs, the face peeking around the corner with some silly excuse for coming down and meeting the person that is popping in for a visit. Giggling. It took my aback a little how excited they were. I guess I learned something. If I ever date someone, who actually deserves the privelege of sharing these two rambunctious boys, it would be ok. But I'm angry. He met my kids and my practical mom feeling is that he shouldn't have.
Which brings me to another subject. Derek and Dalton both told me, two weeks ago, that they think I should have a baby. My reply, a desperate one, was that well, guys, you need a daddy to have a baby. Their response was "well we have a dad". hmmmmm. And you know, honestly, I would do it in the right situation. I really would. I LOVED having my children, and to have another would be amazing.
What I want a family, a home and something warm and comforting. What I do is throw myself into a flurry of activity that leaves no room for disappointment or opportunity. What I want makes me vulnerable. What I do makes keeps me safe.
And I'll probably just keep being busy. I just don't know how to do anything else.
I'm a person divided. I'm a bitch and a slobbering pile of mush. I'm a hard worker and tired of working. I'm confident and scared. And I don't know how to sort it all out.
If you have read (if there is a you that has read) my prior posts, there is a guy named John who has been less than a positive experience in my personal life. I left myself open again, since circumstances changed since my last post, and find myself in the same boat. Only this time, I have been left behind for a night at the bar. And usually, this shouldn't bother me too much. But I found myself jealous, angry and generally treated with an air of disrespect and lack of consideration.
I don't love this guy. I don't miss him. I don't trust him. But I have now, three times, gotten lost in the idea of him. And if I can make this make sense, I will explain if for no other reason than it is one in the morning and I need to type. I am divided. I have relied on the fact that I can make my life work with no assistance. My day to day philosophy is that I have things I want and need and I can get them. Someone said to me last Friday, "so, you work like...24 hours a day?" No it's more like 14. But the thing is, if I stay home and have no plans, I might mope or I might do something constructive. If I work, I don't have any alternative. I work. I'm busy. I'm too busy to miss anyone. If I go to the Steakhouse, I have some money in pocket and I don't have time to think about being lonely, being unhappy, worrying. I come home and sleep. I get up and work. It's simply simple.
Enter John. I have a few moments reprieve of being alone. I look forward to a touch, a warm body, whether its watching a movie or being intimate, and I like it. It fucks up my 'independent needs no one' ideal. And I want. I want him to want to hang out with me. I start thinking about what a great thing a partnership would be. So I bought him flowers because his grandmother died and its been a rough week. He stops in and I knew right away he was going to the bar. I said so. I'm pissed. I don't say too much with too much emotion because (and I had to think about this) I learned way back when in my marriage that you can't just blurt out how you feel. You hold it in and give hints...that are missed or ignored. So he left. And I felt crappy. And I think, "you know what Mindy, you stupid fucking idiot, you work and you have your beautiful children, there isn't any more that you need."
There is a twist. He met my kids briefly. He stopped over and they were still up and I had to explain. I got one hundred questions, then came the thumps from upstairs, the face peeking around the corner with some silly excuse for coming down and meeting the person that is popping in for a visit. Giggling. It took my aback a little how excited they were. I guess I learned something. If I ever date someone, who actually deserves the privelege of sharing these two rambunctious boys, it would be ok. But I'm angry. He met my kids and my practical mom feeling is that he shouldn't have.
Which brings me to another subject. Derek and Dalton both told me, two weeks ago, that they think I should have a baby. My reply, a desperate one, was that well, guys, you need a daddy to have a baby. Their response was "well we have a dad". hmmmmm. And you know, honestly, I would do it in the right situation. I really would. I LOVED having my children, and to have another would be amazing.
What I want a family, a home and something warm and comforting. What I do is throw myself into a flurry of activity that leaves no room for disappointment or opportunity. What I want makes me vulnerable. What I do makes keeps me safe.
And I'll probably just keep being busy. I just don't know how to do anything else.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Its Friday morning.
I'm at my computer, drinking my coffee and trying to wake up. I can see my coneflowers peeking through my window. It's hazy, the sun is a beautiful, glowing ball of reds, oranges and yellows. It's going to be another hot day.
I made it through another week, but summer is winding down. I was reminded that I signed up for 'parent volunteer' for soccer last week and it seems I am THE parent volunteer, not sure I know what this means...but a friend said she ended up coaching practices (I'll scream, if this happens). Derek is playing football, he has his uniform and I think he would just wear it everywhere if he could. I'm hoping the 'dad' keeps up with the commitment. Its going to be tough, with football tues, 530-7, soccer and football thurs 430-7. Games sat and sun. I wonder if we'll get dinner at all on Thursdays??? Uh, and homework???
But, for today, I get the monsters after work. Jana Losey is singing at Ten West Espresso at 730, and I'm hooking up with the teacher who taught my client in school last year to go and listen. Jenny is just the most wonderful person who could make anyone laugh to tears. It's gonna be a good day.
I gotta run, have to be finished my ramblings for the moment. Have some pics to post someday when I have a free two minutes.....!
I made it through another week, but summer is winding down. I was reminded that I signed up for 'parent volunteer' for soccer last week and it seems I am THE parent volunteer, not sure I know what this means...but a friend said she ended up coaching practices (I'll scream, if this happens). Derek is playing football, he has his uniform and I think he would just wear it everywhere if he could. I'm hoping the 'dad' keeps up with the commitment. Its going to be tough, with football tues, 530-7, soccer and football thurs 430-7. Games sat and sun. I wonder if we'll get dinner at all on Thursdays??? Uh, and homework???
But, for today, I get the monsters after work. Jana Losey is singing at Ten West Espresso at 730, and I'm hooking up with the teacher who taught my client in school last year to go and listen. Jenny is just the most wonderful person who could make anyone laugh to tears. It's gonna be a good day.
I gotta run, have to be finished my ramblings for the moment. Have some pics to post someday when I have a free two minutes.....!
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