"Untitled"

I keep looking back at the picture I had in my mind of the life I would lead after my divorce. Some parts of my life have evolved in leaps, some in skips and some things stood still. It's always in the back of my mind that I get one shot...at raising the boys, at personal fulfillment. Maslows hierarchy of needs....where do I stand on that path?

I keep telling myself that I have to evolve with my life instead of watching it pass me by. But if I'm honest with myself, I have watched too long. Being a single mom is hard. Harder than I would have imagined. The issues I face are sometimes devastating, so that my plan for change is constantly suppressed with feelings of failure, indecision, doubt, sadness.

I have sacrificed almost everything for the kids. They have sacrificed alot as well. They have been through two psychologicals, seeing a psychologist at school, and now, a therapist through the county because my ex has once again made a phone call to Children and Youth services to have me investigated for an incident that happened in his home. My oldest sons teacher has recommended a TSS for him because although he is capable, he is underperforming at school without one on one attention, not to mention behavior issues. In order to get this service, I have to have medical insurance that will cover mental health services so I applied for Assistance from the state to be able to get him on this program. I am already being bashed by the ex for 'sucking the government dry' even though he has not ponied up with some cash to help pay for our sons needs. And then there is my own feeling of failure by having to resort to government aid. Both boys have so much anger and frustration at times, that I wonder if I did things all wrong....from my separation to the final custody order, a span of 5 years. Maybe the sacrifice should have been to deal with the bastard until they were grown. But as we all know, the what if's will drive you mad.

And on top of that...my attorney is sucking the life out of my finances. I have known since the beginning that I may not be able to financially support my custody situation with the boys. It will never stop. Looking at the percentages....I made $32,000 over the last TWO years. Just in attorneys fees I have paid $10,000, as well as fees for psychologicals. One third of my income in two years. I sent a check to my attorney last week for $1600. I have $12.00 until next Friday.

I don't know how to juggle it all. Rock bottom is constantly just outside my back door, waiting for me. Phone calls from creditors haunt me daily...dodging shut off notices is a monthly routine. I work with kids on their behavior modification plans every day, but wonder what issues I will come home to with my own. I have to cope with my sinus infection because I have no medical insurance for myself and somehow try to quiet the "howhowhowhow" at night to sleep.

The rose colored glasses are gone. This is my last indulgence in self-pity. "Live like it is, until it is..."