Tid bits

Things I can share at this moment from what my attorney told me in his conference with the judge and other attorneys:

Things will change in our custody arrangement.

My ex's idea to have his son testify was a horrible idea. If he had listened to the mother of his child, he might have saved a lot of heartache for everyone.

Discussing his lifestyle before presenting a tax return with a $20, 000 a year income was probably a bad idea too.

Things I gained from this experience:

I'm not crazy. I no longer have to worry that no one will believe whether the madness I have lived with for the last 13 years, especially the last 3, is true or not. My ex-husband truly and completely let himself be seen.

That no matter what the new arrangement, whether full or a more generous partial custody, I will be my sons mom. I will always be a good mom, and I will be here for them no matter what may occur in their future.

And this may seem difficult to understand, especially if you haven't experienced emotional abuse, but I found a bit of validation for myself with these psychological exams. As I have stated before, I have constantly felt insecure about myself. I rarely do or say anything that I don't second guess. With my MMPI, which I guess is the 'lie detector' for the entire exam was, as the psychologist said, 'squeaky clean'. Meaning I was honest. Which I knew I was, but I was so freaked out by the whole thing that I guess I just did what I do...second guess. This guy said I was intelligent, socially adept and confident (go figure). All the things I strived to be, but for 6 years heard nothing but 'stupid, incompetent, and ugly.' And so, the devil on my shoulder, the spot in my being that holds the self-critic, the second guesser, is getting smaller and less significant. But he may truly never fade completely.

I may not have lived up to the expectations of some, but I'm very proud of myself. I finished a degree, even when there were months I had to beg the salvation army to help with my rent for the month, or collect movies and whatever to sell at a pawn shop for gas money. I lived through bankruptcy, and still have hopes to buy a house someday. I'm completely self-sufficient again for the first time in 12 years. It's been a hard road. Very hard. I have been very near the bottom of the barrel, but I never lost my home and always found a way to keep my car running.

During the hearing, it was insinuated that I was a royal loser. That I have part-time jobs because I just don't want to work. They had even used my social security number to try to access my online account with the Praxis testing site to say that I haven't even bothered to take the certification exams. You can imagine the feeling I had when I entered my teaching certificate into evidence and when I explained that I did in fact have my resumes 'out there'.
"I'm so sorry sweetheart, you underestimated this loser."

Two years ago almost to the month, after a day in court, I wrote this:

Tsk, tsk
a slap on the wrist
"you are not fit"
so they say,
let me ask,
who is. Who is?
the hermit?,
the guy with the gun?
the psychotic, control freak?

Wax, wane
this world is insane
nothing makes sense
what sense?
love,
love is lame
if its not
backed with a buck
love
is enough
so they say
but it doesn’t
fill you up,
hold you up
like cars
like stuff...
what does it all mean?
What does it mean?
Nothing.

Shudder, choke
what freakin’ joke
too tough
give it up
give it up
he sighed
then he lied.
am I stupid?
am I blind?
so sad,
so what do I do
what do I do?
Stand in these
new shoes
too blue
to give up
to step back
to continue.

Tsk tsk
was it worth a risk?
Who knows.
Do you?
Do you?
Tell me now
what is right?
What is reason?
It’s the pits
do you believe
this shit?
Here’s a twist..
Pucker up
lets heal the world
with a kiss
and a band-aid.

It's been hell living like this. One more day guys. Just one more day of court.