Blue

It has been a busy day. Very busy. Trying to catch up on all of the mothering of two boys that I miss all week. We had a bit of a lazy morning. Went shopping for groceries, then to the Dollar Store, McDonalds for lunch, went to the movies (Ice Age: The Meltdown), and then to my mom's for a family Easter Egg hunt and picnic dinner. I'm beat. And the kids refuse to go to sleep.

I had another discussion about Easter weekend. Darwin says I can have the kids Friday, but wants them back at 10:00 a.m. So that means we have to have our Easter morning finished by 9:00. I told him that he refused me any of the boys in service days and an entire two weeks for winter and spring breaks, and asked if can't I at least keep them til noon. That started a round of...you get them the first two weeks of summer...you get them three weekends a month..and I said well you have them all week and take all of their days off. It literally drives him insane that there is even a small portion of this arrangement that he can't dictate the rules for. Then I realized he dragged me into this immature argument and finally said "Call me when you can decide to act like a 48 year old." People tell me...tell the judge, just tell the judge. But right now, I don't want leverage...as useful as it is. I want a fun and happy Easter morning with the boys.

I usually go to great pains on Sunday nights to make Monday mornings as simple as possible, but tonight I just want to go to bed. I have the kids clothes laid out, but not mine. Lunches need to be packed, medicine ready to send along...and I should document another altercation with the ex. I have three days of lasts weeks paperwork to catch up on for work. And several resumes to be modified, cover letters to write, all that stuff to be out in the mail by Wednesday. I have not one ounce of energy left. I'm exhausted.

I'm pretty good at being alone these days. It took me a very long time to be at least ok with it. But I have moments, like now, where I wish I wasn't. I guess it's not the first time I wrote this.

11 days left. I get sicker and more stressed as the countdown continues.