Fear

My exhusband played another sick game today. For tonight, I lost. The closer to April 21st we come, the more desperate and obvious the games become. Today he began an all out war in front of the kids. He used their young impulses to his advantage and coordinated events to get his way. Control Freak: you will never realize what this means until you meet one, a true one. One that loses a sense of logic when faced with loss of control. He refused to release the kids to me on my night of custody. I left in tears, again. At one point he was in my face yelling at me, saying "why can't they stay? I'm not going to make them go". (His girlfriend and her daughter were there, he conveniently wasn't home when I tried to pick them up before they arrived. He followed her up the driveway). He could have taken this weekend for his one weekend a month. He could have not told the kids they were coming. He could have made and already tough situation easier. Instead, I had to ask a 48 year old man if he really needed to argue about this in front of our children. I had to ask him if this is something he really wants the kids to remember.

On Wednesday, he told me I was a waste of name. He threw a letter I wrote back in my face. We can't communicate any other way. He's the worst kind of cruel. Ruthless and unfeeling. And to be honest, his actions have been so blantantly manipulative, that I'm afraid. He's always been so sneaky about it. Somethings wrong. He's told one person, that I know of, he wants me dead. When his other ex wife sued and gained custody of his first son, he lost it. He tried to get his lawyer disbarred. He conducted a hidden campaign against the judge at reelection, and wrote letters to the local paper bashing him. He talked about running to Italy or having his ex killed. He took a lot of it out on me.

I had a great couple of days. I really did. And here it is Friday...and I'm wondering why I ever married someone who makes every encounter living hell. How I couldve chosen someone who can't let go of complete control for the overall good of his kids.

In an unrelated, related train of thought...I was thinking that last couple of days, if I ever find someone willing to deal with a lot of baggage, that the greatest attribute he could have is kindness. Yesturday, an older gentleman ran to the door to open it for me at the store. Tonight, one older gentleman handed me the money for his check..one pile he said was for the boss, the other he kindly handed me and said "this is for you." Then there was Mr. Anderson. Mr. Anderson comes into the restaurant with friends, his wife is in a home with Alzheimers, and always treats you with the greatest respect. There is just something so kind about him. Like you are a person worthy of all the respect and appreciation anyone deserves, even if you are just a waitress. And he always leaves at least a 30.00 tip, regardless of the amount he spends. I felt grateful to just have the opportunity to wait on such a gentle soul. I wonder, where are all the Mr. Anderson's? How difficult is to be kind and considerate? What component in my ex-husbands genetic makeup contributes to his utter lack of concern for anothers well being?

I'm very tired. I'm missing my sons. I'm going to bed.