One penny closer...

A friend called me this afternoon. She told me I forgot to breathe. She calls me at times and tells me that I need a self-esteem cookie. She knows that my greatest struggle is the inner one, the one that I have to keep fighting in order to leap out into the great unknown instead of cowering in my dark, safe cave. I needed that self-esteem cookie today. I didn't realize it until I opened my mail. I don't know how she knows, she just does.

I have been feeling like a real person of late. Welfare mom sees herself coming up, with a credit card for a backup plan, a real job in the works (somewhat related to a hard-earned bachelor's degree) and a checking account because I will actually have something significant to deposit. I felt like a real person in spite of the worry. In spite of being $1, 300.00 in debt to my attorney. In spite of scraping to pay half the fees by the end of the week. In spite of the shut off notice for the end of the month with the gas company. In spite of dancing around the edge of financial devastation merely months after filing for bankruptcy. I have two incomes now. I can chip away at the debt a little more each month. And then I opened my student loan statement, that wasn't a statement. The company I consolidated my loans with merged or was bought by Sallie Mae. The terms of my loan had changed, and my hardship deferrment (which I have been thanking God for) was terminated. I opened it up and $77, 000.00 dollars slapped me in the face. That's was I'll have paid after 299 payments on a loan for $48, 000 for school. And I have already missed a payment, because I thought my deferrment didn't end until August. After the end of the custody dispute. After I was settled into my new job. After I received my official teaching certificate from PDE and has several resumes out. My roller coaster hasn't ended. All this time I thought I was nearing the end of this ride, and still I am just beginning.

I gave my attorney a check for $600.00 to hold til Monday. The idea was to deposit all I could from what I made at the restaurant this week and take the rest as a cash advance from the credit card. Originally, when I discussed my employment as TSS, I would have around 35 hours a week. Somehow, because of 'technicalities' with the approval of my client, I will only have 20 hours for the first three weeks, then 30 a week after that. My first paycheck was going to be the credit card payment. I couldn't get the cash advance from the ATM, and although I'm supposed to have a $3000.00 credit limit, and do have the available credit, I wouldn't let me have the money. I panicked. I did get $300.00 from another ATM this afternoon. So maybe I won't bounce that check after all. I spend hours juggling money in my mind. If I skip this bill for now, I can pay this one and catch up that one later. Dodging shut off notices by a hair some months. My typical practice is, if I know that there is nothing I can pay a bill with, I set it on top of my stand in the kitchen (As long as I know that if I don't look at it, it will not have immediate devastating consequences) until there is something I can do about it. Sometimes, it saves my spirit if I leave myself in ignorance a little longer. God knows, the only thing I have is my spirit. And now, I owe over $400.00 when I am barely 'juggling' this month. I'm thinking of finding a third job, nights or very early morning. I'm not sure how I can keep this up. Driving home from the Acorn this afternoon, I thought, how does one person handle all of this? How can I carry this burden let alone get it off my back??

And so this afternoon, I counted the change in my jar. I love that jar. It was how my sons actually had a Christmas this year. $153.00 worth of pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters, with a few pennies left for seed. With a pounding migraine and shaky hands, I counted all the money in that jar. It struck me as I counted that one of my stacks of 10 pennies was short. And as I looked at it, I wondered how it was that I could see it, since it was on a dark red placemat. I spend so much time counting those pennies in a pinch, but never forget the value. It will make a difference this week between a $598.00 and $600.00 deposit. Between a cleared and bounced check. Between a hopeful or broken spirit.

Thank God for pennies and self esteem cookies. I'm off to work, and hoping customers are generous this evening.