Wallowing in my rut. Still.

I find myself cowering in my cave these days. Motivation is so buried within me that I can't seem to get to any small piece of it. I told the psychiatrist that I wasn't depressed. Maybe I am? I have this list of 'stuff' that I want to get started, completed, etc. And I have difficulty getting up in the morning let alone becoming productive. I'm tired all day long. The only thing that keeps me moving is the kids. On Friday I begin my new job. I'm hoping that it's the change I really, really need to get my fire stirred again. I'm supposed to be pushing forward, getting a new start. Instead I find my energy consumed by the fight against demons. Constant arguments with my ex. Writing a journal of every encounter so that when I spend another day in court I can recount every wasted breath on something that has been made into a mountain from a molehill. Of crap. Pure crap. (Whisper to self...I'm not married anymore, I'm not married anymore).

A little history. I met my ex at 19, he was 35 and married. He was prince charming, and I the queen until we moved in together. After, little things...then big things. I was screamed at for mowing down some blueberry bushes in the yard, called an asshole for leaving the recycling bins in the trunk of the car, later...yelled at for taking a nap during my pregnancy when there were weeds in the garden, lectured about gaining too much weight while I was pregnant, I breastfeed too often, too late at night. I screwed up the grocery shopping, when I was allowed the priviledge. One week, I was rebellious and bought myself some herbal tea and a few other small luxury items. That prick bagged them up (all $45.00 worth) and took them back to the store to get his money back. Yeah. In his ferrari. And I can't have herbal tea. I didn't have access to our checking account, got a job tutoring, made $90.00 for two weeks, and he wanted me to pay him child care. For his own son. Then...at the end, I was alienated from nearly all of my friends, he hated my family, got a calling card with a pin so that I couldnt' use the phone, hid all the keys (6 sports cars and his daily driver) except the one to my 93 mazda, oops, OUR mazda, and disconnected my internet. I couldn't even call or email my mom. And he...had plenty of resources to create a personals account, write and meet women. Under my nose. The fights. OMG, there were some horrible nights. Mostly me begging to be forgiven and his reply that I disgust him. That jerk threatened neighbors with guns (yes, one woman was hiking on his property), talked about having his other ex-wife killed, told my son he would spank him til he bleeds, throw things, ignore me for hours..tell me I was fat, ugly, stupid...and I left him. Because if I didn't, I saw myself in the kitchen with my wrists slit and thought, what a relief. I knew it was time to pack up and go. The thing was, I loved him. I worshipped him. So what might be lightly taken from any other hit with a sting that scarred, forever really. I left him, took nothing except what I could pack in the car and the boys and I left our big beautiful dream house, better known as my prison. Lots of mistakes thoughout the custody disputes, divorce issues left me with this unresolved custody issue I have now. The biggest issue...money. I left everything behind. After all, you learn a lot by the time you get to your fourth divorce. He's a divorce expert. And me, well, I was too stupid to think I would ever be divorced.

And so, it's history, it's the same sad, old, old tale I have been telling forever. But it hangs over me and my sons. I still get the phone calls, that I'm pathetic and still disgust him. I get accused of things that have no basis in fact. And now, my kids get to play house with the newest paramour, and apparently my son has seen her sleep naked. I nearly vomited in my mouth when I heard that one. And this is why I'm stuck in my grounghog day. I can't get passed the past until after April 21st. I need this to come, to amend two years of hell and imperfect decisions. If you are reading my blog, I'm sorry to be writing about my woes again...but it's Mindy's groundhog day, and I'm living it my cave. I shouldnt' even be writing this publicly. Last time I heard from one of the ex-girlfriends, my ex was keeping track of my msn profile that I had up. He told her he wished I would be killed. 15 years ago, if you asked me what my life what be like, I would have responded with something like a fairy tale. Who knew I would find a living nightmare. Who knew I would spend so much time crying over a mother's dream gone bad. Who knew that with all the ground I have covered, I would still be sitting here, terrified that I can't fully escape the claws of a 48 year old obsessed control freak.

I'm going to bed, and hopefully will wake in a new day with new resolve. I gotta get past this.