A Day in the Life...Oh Boy.

At work I reconnected with a woman I worked with years ago at a Restaurant where we both waitressed. She was the mother of one of my classmates, and we used to talk about things (back in the married days). So now, we are both TSS's and have kind of rebuilt a new friendship under new circumstances. I'm pretty lucky, I have made quite a few new friends of late.

So yesturday we were talking, and I'm back into my change mode or rather, the desire for change is just getting more intense. I'm telling her about my social life (or lack thereof), some of the hellacious hours I work, and how I feel like there is more I could be doing. I'm thinking that I have quite a bit of alone time and maybe I should start online classes, again. I'm frustrated at best with the teaching possibilities and have found a viable option for completing a masters, or even doctorate in pyschology. Glenda looked at me for a minute, and said 'You're bored, Min." Yup. That summed it up pretty well. There are too few challenges, and even though I work my ass off some weeks, at the end of it I feel like I have done nothing but twiddle my mental thumbs for 50 hours. This encompasses my work and social life. Boredom.

So also this week, I reconnected with a guy I dated who I dumped about 6 months ago. He was a little more interested in me, a little more courteous...and so I suckered in. He frustrates me. Honestly, I am not too emotional anymore, but I have to admit I was mildly hopeful. So after a few conjugal visits I invited him to dinner. I honestly didn't think he would show. But he did. I was kind of impressed since it was the first time I could nail him down from something other than...you know what or a movie. (How stupid am I to even try this again???) So I was working on dinner and began with a conversation starter like 'What's new?'. His response was a rather cryptic "Oh, something big" and made me pry it out of him. Well, he's got a baby on the way. So this is how I handle it. I get busy, choke down the tears of disappointment, then do my psychological picking. How, who, and what do you want to do about it? He said he hasn't decided if he wants to pursue a relationship with her. So, me, when the red fades, I cut to the meat of it and asked "So what the fuck are you doing here?" And then I had to specify..."no here. I'm my house." And then instead of throwing him out, I cracked open a bottle of valpollacella and listened. More valpollacella, and told him he was probably set up but dude, you totally fucked up. You don't have sex with people that CAN'T use protection, idiot. More valpollacella and thoughts like, thats it...never again. I'm going to use every free minute to get ahead in the only way I seem to have open to me. More Valpollacella and I thought fuck it, let him stay a little longer...let myself cry my wine tears and sent him packing after asking rhetorically, "What exactly was wrong with me? This girl may possibly be your nightmare, maybe you're dream, but I'm not inviting you back." Hopefully he feels pretty damned awful. I didn't sleep, woke up hangover free and with a renewed feeling that with regard to men, its best to be one bad ass, heartless, self centered bitch who doesn't need a damn thing from anyone. I never thought I would be proud of being cold.

On the flip side, I'm going to work to have the girl chat with my friends. I'm going to see some kids with the most horrific challenges have some success at camp. Kids that don't trust easily, but ask for my help and give me a smile or a giggle. This part of my heart is wide open.