Sad.

I find myself not able to fight the tears tonight. Somehow, I feel like I missed this whole weekend. I almost can't believe it's Sunday night. This weekend is gone.

Next weekend is D's weekend. It means it will be a good long stretch before I will be bringing the kids home again. They haven't even left, and I'm missing them so much already. Even with all my bitching, I've been able to feel pretty upbeat. But tonight, all my mistakes haunt me. I let myself get hopeful, which I tried not to do. Because now the shred of doubt is in my face with a long possible fall.

D's marriage is joke. In reality, it brings me to face my own utterly disappointing happy ending. The most painful thing, that some other woman just may be spending the time with my sons that I was meant to have. They are my babies. I would die for them. In so many ways, I already have.

I take the heartaches and pack them away to walk through another day, another week. But sometimes, the suitcase bursts and all the sadness flies out. It's the way it feels tonight.