Our planned camping trip was off to a rocky start Friday afternoon. D had a kind moment...or should I say, convenient moment and dropped the kids off after lunch. I was still packing, and packing and packing...rainy day activities, fishing stuff, hiking stuff, swimming stuff, tunes, books, blankets, coolers full of food stuffs, charcoal...and so on. I had the trunk and every inch of free space in the car packed full! All to drive 20 minutes away to the local campground at Hills Creek Lake. But I was pretending to be far away...and who knew that it would work.
Before leaving, tragedy struck. Derek was playing with his lizards and burned his two fingers on the heat lamp. OOOHHHH the wailing. I mean wailing! That delayed us a good 25 minutes, soaking fingers, watching tv to distract him from his unbearable agony, doctoring...finally (and I know it really hurts, but if anyone had heard him they would have been sure he lopped off his fingers, not just blistered the tips) we were off. But then I realized I needed a fishing license because on this trip, I WAS NOT FORGOING FISHING! Then I realized maybe I might need a beer to go with my book and campfire, so stopped and picked up some Lager, and we needed bait...aye ya aye...
We got there at 3:30. Derek was tickled with the small cabin, saying "This is great, Mommy!" It was great. We had everything we needed but water. Hmmm. So we unpacked...forever it seemed, then scared up some wood and more ice for the coolers. When we got settled in, we walked over the bank to the lake. It was raining, of course. But it was awesome. The kids had a blast walking in the swampy edge looking for tadpoles and frogs. I just enjoyed how beautiful and peaceful it was. We walked for awhile then went back to cook dinner. I didn't bring my grill and so had to build a fire to cook my still frozen chicken. It took awhile, but we had that, corn and baked beans I had made earlier, and ate inside the cabin at the table. We headed back to the lake, with another little boy camping nearby about Derek's age, for a last frog hunt before turning in. We found a beaver swimming about in the lake and followed him for quite awhile thinking he would come ashore. He didn't, but it was awesome to watch. By that time, the rain was lighter and a fog had settled. It was so peaceful....and nice.
The kids were filthy, it was at least nine o'clock (I purposely didn't bring a clock) so we went to the showers. That was cool, the kids loved getting in there with no splash, hot water or time restrictions, so I could enjoy myself without worrying about them tearing up the bathrooms too much. We headed back to the cabin, read some books and went to sleep in a really decent bed. Yes it was NICE.
The next morning, I got up early, built a fire and made eggs, bacon and toast. YUM. I even made coffee...on a campfire. I read my book while Derek slept and Dalton played. It was NICE!
After breakfast we went fishing and traveling along the hiking path around the lake. Dalton caught the first fish, a blue gill, and then I caught several more. Derek found some dragonflies and more frogs. We headed back to camp for lunch then went to the beach area to swim. I read some of my book while the kids created sand structures, then I helped them a little. We had ice cream cones and played at the playground. And it was sooooo....you know, nice.
We had dinner, hamburgers cooked on an open flame, it is my favorite now, kids played with the other boys in the area...(and got totally taken advantage of in hide and seek as he was the youngest), roasted marshmellows, told stories, Dalton sang his continents and oceans songs into the quiet night and we all fell fast asleep after a book in our cabin. I never even took the opportunity to have one of those beers. It was the greatest weekend.
Sunday, we went to visit my grandmother and uncle, and a new friend visiting from australia. We had a picnic, loaded kids and aunts and uncles and cousins into the backs of two trucks for a ride on Graham hill..property that has been in our family for years and years. It truly is wilderness with roads that barely resemble roads and lots of wildlife. We stopped at three old family hunting camps where we saw pictures of people long gone with their deer and doing the man thing at the cabin. We had a bonfire, marshmellows and told more stories, mostly of my grandfather who I never knew but is so alive in others. My grandmother ended the weekend with one comment. "I have always said, if you do anything in your life, make memories because when you get old that's all you have." She is so right. And I did make many wonderful memories with my family these four days.
*Post camping notes. Lighter on the CD's. More kids clothes. MORE JUGS OF WATER! Better fishing gear (I had to use my keys to try to disgorge a hook, well, it worked). Less indoor activities and more buckets for critters. Dont' forget tooth paste and bring a hatchet.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Home
I'm exhausted beyond belief. The kids and I had a wonderful time though. I will tell all...Tomorrow!!!! Time for me to sleep soundly for a long day of catching up here tomorrow.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Good day, Good weekend coming!
I had a great day. I mowed my above knee high dandelions and I had to go over every row twice. It was exhausting. By the time I got to the end of the trimming (God there is ALOT of it with all the banks) my left arm could not even hold the stupid trimmer up. I was a little shaky tonight at the restaurant. I also claimed one of the last two cabins at Hills Creek. I had to pay for a night I won't use, but in all it was only 93.00 for three nights which I think is not at all bad. I packed a bunch of stuff today and will get the rest done tomorrow morning.
Fishing, hiking, bike riding, grilling....YES, YES and YES!!! I'm so excited. I need to escape this world for a bit. Even though it is only 25 minutes from my home to the lake, I'm taking the mind set that I'm a zillion miles away and none of the stuff here matters. And for once, I am determined that Derek, Dalton and I will catch the monster fish we have yet to catch. I wish I had a boat. Even if it was a little canoe. I'll post pics later.
Good night at the restaurant. Did I say I love that job?? People there make me feel so much better. I treated myself to some Chipotle-Lime encrusted Tilapia and rice for dinner...and had a yummy brandy alexander after. Not to mention some girl gossip....I also made a decent 100.00. bucks (including my 2.83 an hour for the night).
I feel really good tonight. I may take some of my neices and nephews camping with us if I can. Since I'm not speaking to Becky, my mom is working on it. It's the same old song...I will not completely shut things off, because I believe in family, but I refuse to get close or socialize. I learned my lesson for the last time. She'll leave me alone now...she's claiming that this latest is the love of her life, one shes known for three? days. Good. As long as she's busy. Chances are she'll want to get rid of the kids...so I'll take them. The more the merrier!!!
I'm off. I'm a little sore from todays workout on the lawn, and the hectic 4 hour ass busting at the restaurant. I'm going to watch some tv before I hit the hay. Love to all you guys. Promise to catch up on blogs and emails after my VACATION!!!!!!!!!!
Fishing, hiking, bike riding, grilling....YES, YES and YES!!! I'm so excited. I need to escape this world for a bit. Even though it is only 25 minutes from my home to the lake, I'm taking the mind set that I'm a zillion miles away and none of the stuff here matters. And for once, I am determined that Derek, Dalton and I will catch the monster fish we have yet to catch. I wish I had a boat. Even if it was a little canoe. I'll post pics later.
Good night at the restaurant. Did I say I love that job?? People there make me feel so much better. I treated myself to some Chipotle-Lime encrusted Tilapia and rice for dinner...and had a yummy brandy alexander after. Not to mention some girl gossip....I also made a decent 100.00. bucks (including my 2.83 an hour for the night).
I feel really good tonight. I may take some of my neices and nephews camping with us if I can. Since I'm not speaking to Becky, my mom is working on it. It's the same old song...I will not completely shut things off, because I believe in family, but I refuse to get close or socialize. I learned my lesson for the last time. She'll leave me alone now...she's claiming that this latest is the love of her life, one shes known for three? days. Good. As long as she's busy. Chances are she'll want to get rid of the kids...so I'll take them. The more the merrier!!!
I'm off. I'm a little sore from todays workout on the lawn, and the hectic 4 hour ass busting at the restaurant. I'm going to watch some tv before I hit the hay. Love to all you guys. Promise to catch up on blogs and emails after my VACATION!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Not so great news.
Took the kids to see their appointed attorney today. I was very glad I chose to take them myself, in spite of the waste of an entire afternoon with the boys.
The news is not so great. She was very kind, and when I asked her about the situation her interpretation was that the judge was reluctant to change Derek's school and take him from the 'birth home'. I'm so sick of that term, D drops that incessantly. What about me? It was my womb that carried them, my breasts that fed them... Because I signed a prenup precluding me from keeping HIS home, then I can't be a good mother to my children. But he can commit adultry, be emotionally abusive and keep me from doing all I had ever wanted to do, which was be a mom.
It was also stated that it appears that the if the judge could order me to move within 10 miles of the children's fathers home, then he would. Ok so, I give up everything. EVERYTHING. I leave my parents, my friends, the home I have created here...This is all thats left.
I'm struggling with a very real feeling of hopelessness. The easiest route is to keep kissing an an assholes ass. I drove home, crying, turned up the radio to hear linkin parks "In the end". I'm yelling at the top of my lungs with this song..."In the end, it doesn't fucking matter." Because it's all I could do.
The news is not so great. She was very kind, and when I asked her about the situation her interpretation was that the judge was reluctant to change Derek's school and take him from the 'birth home'. I'm so sick of that term, D drops that incessantly. What about me? It was my womb that carried them, my breasts that fed them... Because I signed a prenup precluding me from keeping HIS home, then I can't be a good mother to my children. But he can commit adultry, be emotionally abusive and keep me from doing all I had ever wanted to do, which was be a mom.
It was also stated that it appears that the if the judge could order me to move within 10 miles of the children's fathers home, then he would. Ok so, I give up everything. EVERYTHING. I leave my parents, my friends, the home I have created here...This is all thats left.
I'm struggling with a very real feeling of hopelessness. The easiest route is to keep kissing an an assholes ass. I drove home, crying, turned up the radio to hear linkin parks "In the end". I'm yelling at the top of my lungs with this song..."In the end, it doesn't fucking matter." Because it's all I could do.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Nothing to Hide
My psychologist asked me when doing psychological exams for our custody dispute what the most important thing is to impart to your children. My answer was honesty. Being honest with yourself, about yourself and with others. There are those few that live their lives putting others down in order to validate their own existences. They can't hold their heads high unless there is someone who doesn't measure up comparatively from their perspective. If they feel inferior, they peer, manipulate, investigate until they find some shred of evidence of a persons fallibility then embellish and advertise it. "I'm so much better than you because..." (I'm sure you can fill in the blank).
Who doesn't have a few skeletons tucked away in some dark closet somewhere? Who can claim infallibility? Who can say that they walk the higher ground when you cannot walk in anothers shoes? My unasked for opinion is this. If you spend your time judging others, then the issues of your own life are being neglected and unaddressed. If you spend your time trying to justify your mistakes, then you are not learning from them. If you find yourself rejecting people as inferior, then you have missed the reason that they have been put in front of you. As I have been called before, yes, I'm a multiculturalist dipshit. I believe that in any walk of life, in any culture, no person is without a gift, be it good advice, a lesson, a viewpoint...or just a moment of laughter you may not have had time for otherwise.
You are wasting your time in finding inferiority with me. Chances are, I already feel inferior. I have been around a few blocks in a ferrari, on welfare, married, single, with my rent, and begging from the salvation army. None of these experiences would I give up because I learned some very valuable things from all of those situations. I found that I am very lucky, because there is always someone struggling harder. I learned about hard work. I learned about carrying on when I felt like I was dead inside.
If you are better than me, then I don't have time for you. I'm too busy trying to live my life. If you have nothing constructive to add...I don't need you. If your only goal is to wipe your feet on my face...I won't acknowledge you. If you can be honest with yourself, about yourself and to me...I will embrace you. I have nothing to hide and refuse to spend a minute more on justifying my humanity. I am who I am at face value. Take it or leave it. I'm sorry for spending so many years trying to love one who can't love me back. I never thought it was a waste of time until today.
Mindy
Who doesn't have a few skeletons tucked away in some dark closet somewhere? Who can claim infallibility? Who can say that they walk the higher ground when you cannot walk in anothers shoes? My unasked for opinion is this. If you spend your time judging others, then the issues of your own life are being neglected and unaddressed. If you spend your time trying to justify your mistakes, then you are not learning from them. If you find yourself rejecting people as inferior, then you have missed the reason that they have been put in front of you. As I have been called before, yes, I'm a multiculturalist dipshit. I believe that in any walk of life, in any culture, no person is without a gift, be it good advice, a lesson, a viewpoint...or just a moment of laughter you may not have had time for otherwise.
You are wasting your time in finding inferiority with me. Chances are, I already feel inferior. I have been around a few blocks in a ferrari, on welfare, married, single, with my rent, and begging from the salvation army. None of these experiences would I give up because I learned some very valuable things from all of those situations. I found that I am very lucky, because there is always someone struggling harder. I learned about hard work. I learned about carrying on when I felt like I was dead inside.
If you are better than me, then I don't have time for you. I'm too busy trying to live my life. If you have nothing constructive to add...I don't need you. If your only goal is to wipe your feet on my face...I won't acknowledge you. If you can be honest with yourself, about yourself and to me...I will embrace you. I have nothing to hide and refuse to spend a minute more on justifying my humanity. I am who I am at face value. Take it or leave it. I'm sorry for spending so many years trying to love one who can't love me back. I never thought it was a waste of time until today.
Mindy
Sunday, May 21, 2006
A Day in The Life
It's Sunday night and I find myself weepy and emotional. I had a good weekend, for the most part. I made some extra cash at the Steakhouse, had a great night there Saturday night, time with friends, won the pool Tina started for the number of people we would have that night, and shared a moment with 3 awesome friends when we all saw a shooting star. Oh yeah, I totally made a wish on it. We'll see what happens. I had a blast with the girls, shared some intimate secrets and laughed my ass off. Now why can't that happen every day??
I went to Walmart when I finally got out of bed. I slept 1/2 the day away, and it felt awesome. But I slept half the day away and so made the crunch of things on the homefront a little more hectic. So anyway, I went to walmart and picked up some healthier things to eat during the very busy week. I have been so run down lately that I figured maybe some vitamins and some lifestyle changes would help my ability to keep it all together without feeling so utterly exhausted. I decided to pick out Father's Day cards. I was standing there reading these sentimental cards and found myself teary. I found a beautiful card for my step dad. He's been a pillar during some totally fucked up times in my life. I then found one for my sperm donor. That was harder, since 'happiness' 'you've been there' 'your great qualities' and so forth just didn't apply.
Then I went home. Found myself weepy listening to songs on the radio. I talked to Derek on the phone...and his dad. That was pretty much the last straw of the day, since he informed me that Memorial Day was not my holiday, even though the practice is every other but follows his schedule with his other son. So now I have to either call his other ex wife to get the scoop, or call my attorney...or who knows what I can do about it. So when I finished talking to Derek I had to choke back the tears because in any situation of stress...thats my typical reaction. But Derek was so sweet tonight. He found some information about his anoles he has here and read it to me. I'm so proud of that child. I'm so proud of both of them.
It could be PMS...that horrible affliction of the female population. It could be the continual ungodly stress of all thats happening (or not happening) here. It could be that in everything I attempt, there is the ongoing fight with insecurities I still can't completely pluck out. I hate Sunday nights. Sunday nights are lonely nights. And in some ways, I can't wait to run my ass off all week.
I went to Walmart when I finally got out of bed. I slept 1/2 the day away, and it felt awesome. But I slept half the day away and so made the crunch of things on the homefront a little more hectic. So anyway, I went to walmart and picked up some healthier things to eat during the very busy week. I have been so run down lately that I figured maybe some vitamins and some lifestyle changes would help my ability to keep it all together without feeling so utterly exhausted. I decided to pick out Father's Day cards. I was standing there reading these sentimental cards and found myself teary. I found a beautiful card for my step dad. He's been a pillar during some totally fucked up times in my life. I then found one for my sperm donor. That was harder, since 'happiness' 'you've been there' 'your great qualities' and so forth just didn't apply.
Then I went home. Found myself weepy listening to songs on the radio. I talked to Derek on the phone...and his dad. That was pretty much the last straw of the day, since he informed me that Memorial Day was not my holiday, even though the practice is every other but follows his schedule with his other son. So now I have to either call his other ex wife to get the scoop, or call my attorney...or who knows what I can do about it. So when I finished talking to Derek I had to choke back the tears because in any situation of stress...thats my typical reaction. But Derek was so sweet tonight. He found some information about his anoles he has here and read it to me. I'm so proud of that child. I'm so proud of both of them.
It could be PMS...that horrible affliction of the female population. It could be the continual ungodly stress of all thats happening (or not happening) here. It could be that in everything I attempt, there is the ongoing fight with insecurities I still can't completely pluck out. I hate Sunday nights. Sunday nights are lonely nights. And in some ways, I can't wait to run my ass off all week.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Good God.
Two things that frustrate me...You can't pick your family nor can you select your neighbors. Family just screws you royally at any given chance, but in the honor of family relations you ignore, overlook, deal with stuff you just wouldn't take from anyone else. Avoidance. 25 years of hell with a whacked sister who should be on meds and thats the only solution I can come up with.
Neighbor. The last resort will be to call the cops. After the last altercation in which he called me several not very nice names, I have gone to great lengths to avoid and be polite for the sake of peace. Tonight he walks into our shared walkway...the one he wanted to ban me from God knows why, drunk off his ass, accusing me of playing a 'game' because I accidently forgot to close the shed door after putting the mower away...BECAUSE I TAKE CARE OF EVERY SINGLE BIT OF MAINTAINCE IN THE YARD, DRIVEWAY, WALKWAY (yes he has not once picked up a snow shovel or changed a lightbulb) and I didn't realize it but it swung maybe three inches into an at least 25 foot wide driveway that has one other vehicle parked there. No freaking wonder I leave here at 630 am and don't come home until after work or kids until 830 at night. I'm so freaking overjoyed that tomorrow will be a 15 hour work day and I won't have to be here AT MY OWN HOME to enjoy this crap. How is it I have maintained good relations with every other efficiency tenant but this one?
I'm disappearing for the weekend. And I'm going to find a house in the great wilderness that exists here and become a hermit. Cause being nice just isn't good enough.
Sorry blogger friends. I needed to vent. And I'm getting no sleep this week so you won't WANT to hear from me for another two days. Val...please leave me a funny message. I need one.
Neighbor. The last resort will be to call the cops. After the last altercation in which he called me several not very nice names, I have gone to great lengths to avoid and be polite for the sake of peace. Tonight he walks into our shared walkway...the one he wanted to ban me from God knows why, drunk off his ass, accusing me of playing a 'game' because I accidently forgot to close the shed door after putting the mower away...BECAUSE I TAKE CARE OF EVERY SINGLE BIT OF MAINTAINCE IN THE YARD, DRIVEWAY, WALKWAY (yes he has not once picked up a snow shovel or changed a lightbulb) and I didn't realize it but it swung maybe three inches into an at least 25 foot wide driveway that has one other vehicle parked there. No freaking wonder I leave here at 630 am and don't come home until after work or kids until 830 at night. I'm so freaking overjoyed that tomorrow will be a 15 hour work day and I won't have to be here AT MY OWN HOME to enjoy this crap. How is it I have maintained good relations with every other efficiency tenant but this one?
I'm disappearing for the weekend. And I'm going to find a house in the great wilderness that exists here and become a hermit. Cause being nice just isn't good enough.
Sorry blogger friends. I needed to vent. And I'm getting no sleep this week so you won't WANT to hear from me for another two days. Val...please leave me a funny message. I need one.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Monday
While yesturday's sadness has subsided, I'm faced with my one and only free evening at home in an empty house that holds little comfort. Sometimes, my greatest hold on sanity is that occassional funny email or brief IM conversation that makes the night a little less solitary.
I'm procastinating a little longer, to catch up on blogs and myspace, emails and messages. I'm then off to complete the progress notes I'm behind on, finish up the requirements for extra training (paid for), and put together some more portfolios for my job search. I'm now a TSS in another school and I love this classroom my client is in. More than ever, I long to find a teaching job. I never dreamed that I would long for a job this badly...not for the income or security (although it's a draw) but simply for job satisfaction.
Something unfunnily funny...(life is so ironic). Last week, my friend Tina got her hair done. It looked so awesome, I decided that I would do something similar, although it would probably cost me about $100.00 because of the length of my hair. Two days after that decision (by now it should be an omen...to decide to do something for myself) my alternator went in my car. Today, my rearview mirror came off in my hand. It's a sign. After I pay for everything that will need to be repaired for my inspection, I will not have enough to get a new do. The flip side...I will not spend the money I will need for the car on myself. Or maybe I'll just do it anyway and duck tape my muffler. Hey, I should've left my old refridgerator in the yard as well....
Little things...it's lilac season, one of my favorite flowers. I picked a bunch and put a vase full of them in the kitchen. If nothing else, I have been blessed with the God-given pleasure of the fragrance of lilacs.
I'm procastinating a little longer, to catch up on blogs and myspace, emails and messages. I'm then off to complete the progress notes I'm behind on, finish up the requirements for extra training (paid for), and put together some more portfolios for my job search. I'm now a TSS in another school and I love this classroom my client is in. More than ever, I long to find a teaching job. I never dreamed that I would long for a job this badly...not for the income or security (although it's a draw) but simply for job satisfaction.
Something unfunnily funny...(life is so ironic). Last week, my friend Tina got her hair done. It looked so awesome, I decided that I would do something similar, although it would probably cost me about $100.00 because of the length of my hair. Two days after that decision (by now it should be an omen...to decide to do something for myself) my alternator went in my car. Today, my rearview mirror came off in my hand. It's a sign. After I pay for everything that will need to be repaired for my inspection, I will not have enough to get a new do. The flip side...I will not spend the money I will need for the car on myself. Or maybe I'll just do it anyway and duck tape my muffler. Hey, I should've left my old refridgerator in the yard as well....
Little things...it's lilac season, one of my favorite flowers. I picked a bunch and put a vase full of them in the kitchen. If nothing else, I have been blessed with the God-given pleasure of the fragrance of lilacs.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Sad.
I find myself not able to fight the tears tonight. Somehow, I feel like I missed this whole weekend. I almost can't believe it's Sunday night. This weekend is gone.
Next weekend is D's weekend. It means it will be a good long stretch before I will be bringing the kids home again. They haven't even left, and I'm missing them so much already. Even with all my bitching, I've been able to feel pretty upbeat. But tonight, all my mistakes haunt me. I let myself get hopeful, which I tried not to do. Because now the shred of doubt is in my face with a long possible fall.
D's marriage is joke. In reality, it brings me to face my own utterly disappointing happy ending. The most painful thing, that some other woman just may be spending the time with my sons that I was meant to have. They are my babies. I would die for them. In so many ways, I already have.
I take the heartaches and pack them away to walk through another day, another week. But sometimes, the suitcase bursts and all the sadness flies out. It's the way it feels tonight.
Next weekend is D's weekend. It means it will be a good long stretch before I will be bringing the kids home again. They haven't even left, and I'm missing them so much already. Even with all my bitching, I've been able to feel pretty upbeat. But tonight, all my mistakes haunt me. I let myself get hopeful, which I tried not to do. Because now the shred of doubt is in my face with a long possible fall.
D's marriage is joke. In reality, it brings me to face my own utterly disappointing happy ending. The most painful thing, that some other woman just may be spending the time with my sons that I was meant to have. They are my babies. I would die for them. In so many ways, I already have.
I take the heartaches and pack them away to walk through another day, another week. But sometimes, the suitcase bursts and all the sadness flies out. It's the way it feels tonight.
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