Thoughts

How do I make this kiss
last one minute, one day
after you have gone?
When my arms are not long enough
to reach wherever you may be,
will you remember my hug?
When you are lost
and cannot find me that moment,
how will you feel my love?
My child, my son, sweet Dalton,
my love runs deeper
than any ocean.
My child, my son, dear Derek
my love is greater than the number
of stars in the night sky.
And if you should forget,
then think of the times
I watched you leave.
Because those were the times
when my heart ached
to hold you more tightly.
Those were the times
my love was laden with strength,
and I truly, never let you go.

Busy

Posts will be few for awhile. Starting Monday my workweek is now 55 to 60 hours. And I thought I was tired after 45.

I went to pick up my son at school yesturday and was informed by his teacher that he was out and at his dad's with strep throat. I was fortunate enough to have an understanding employer at the restaurant and so was able to stay home with him last night. He slept in my bed, tossed and turned all night...I got up once because he was hot with a fever to give him some tylenol. Poor kid! He's still sleeping and I'm hoping his fever breaks today.

Derek was so sick, but when we came home with a few groceries and the kids tylenol (I had run out!), he came up to me when I was unloading and took the bags from my hand. When he went to bed, he again thanked me for the lizards I let him buy and said I was the best mommy in the world. Before he went to sleep, he said my bed was the best...soft and comfortable. Being a parent is so gratifying at times.

I have to work tonight. I wish I didn't. I had taken off the entire weekend for Easter, to find out that Darwin is insisting he have that weekend for his one a month weekend custody. I wrote him a letter two weeks ago (the one he threw in my face) because as soon as I looked at the schedule for the month, I knew he would do it. But, he had beaten me to it...a message on the machine I had not received he stated he was taking that weekend. I argued it, but when push comes to shove, if I go to pick them up on Friday, he will not be home, as is his practice. The part that sucks is that when this 'court order' was written Derek was in Pre-K and so all of their days off and vacations (except Christmas) was over-looked. So Derek has an entire week off and Darwin is saying that I get none of it per our court order. So I have no Easter with the kids their entire vacation. However, I begged him when I called one day for the 14th and 15th to celebrate the holiday...and he is letting Derek make the decision. It's bad enough that two weekends ago Darwin made it extremely clear to Derek that he can do whatever he wants where mommy is concerned. And now he is letting Derek (who is 8 years old) make decisions about our custody agreement. Am I wrong in thinking that this is wrong???

He's punishing me for Christmas vacation. At our first hearing, the Judge changed our order, but failed to write it in the interim order. The vacation was more equally divided, instead of exchanging the boys every two days. Darwin took the Friday night I would have had by the old order, and so I was led to believe we were following the Judges said schedule. Christmas eve he hit me with his plan. I stood my ground, kept the kids my 5 days of the vacation, even when he showed up at the door gave me one really angry look. He, however, got his half of the vacation...as is fair. But he didn't get all of the quality time with his newest victim to play happy family. I don't know whats going on, but all of these latest heated arguments are over weekends that she and her daughter are there. I have a feeling she'll be in court testifying to all the wonders of Darwin. If I know anything, I know she's seeing little things that bother her...but he's so perfect she disregards it as her own paranoia. She won't realize it until he turns on her and he will, especially if she interferes between him and the children.

Anyway. I'm off to enjoy the day I have with the kids today and try not to think about all of the other stuff. I'll be back sometime later.

Dream

I was just married and my faceless lover and I were in this apartment with family, but family I didn't know. The room was simple and rustic with a wood stove and cots for sleeping clothed with patched quilts. There were plants everywhere and if you walked far enough to left of the room, the plants became more dense as though walking into a lush rainforest. My newly beloved was nude, as was I, but the feeling was that only we perceived each other that way. It was sensual not sexual, peaceful, so peaceful, and gentle. I didn't know my lover, but there was an air of familiarity. Every exchanged word, glance and touch was with a gentleness I have never experienced. We were walking about the room, unpacking, but always acutely aware of the others proximity. The room was warm with the burning wood stove. I don't remember the specific words exchanged or even a touch, but I felt that I was secure and loved, combined with the twinge of expectation. There was no conclusion, but I awoke with the beautiful a feeling of gentle peace. And so, I hit the snooze button and tried to return to no avail. It was a work day. I have returned to this dream several times throughout the day. I try to interpret it's meaning, but mostly, I just enjoy the lingering feeling.

Updates: I shared my story of Coco's rescue with the kids. Derek giggled and thought it was hilarious. Dalton smiled and asked me if we had to give Coco away now. I said no, but he has to be a big boy and take better care of his pet hermit crab. He can't wait to come home and see Coco safe and sound with his own eyes. I'm so happy for my son's joy, for Coco's well-being, and for my sweet smelling deadhermitcrabstench-free home.

Sweet dreams all. I truly mean that.

Coping in Chaos

First, a conversation from last night;

(Dalton enters kitchen from living room) Dalton: My hermit crab is gone!
Me: Dalton where is it?
Dalton: It was on the floor, and it's gone. It crawled away.
Me: WHAT!? Why was it out of it's cage?
Dalton: I put it on the floor next to me.
Me: Dalton why did you leave it there? You know how fast he crawls!!
Dalton shrugs his shoulders: He's gone. Find my hermit crab?
Me, pulling out furniture furiously looking for the white snail shell called coco: Dalton!! I can't believe you! If we find that crab, you will never touch it again. If we don't find that crab, you will never touch it again. And you will never, ever have another hermit crab again. Now he's going to die, and he's going to stink like crazy, and it will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!
(Dalton appears nonchalant)
Me: It's time for bed. I'll look for Coco later.
Dalton: Find my hermit crab for me, mommy?
Me (to self silently) Why did I leave the cage out? Why did I let him talk me into letting him look at the crab? DID I NOT KNOW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!
Me: Dalton I will try.

Later that night, I turn off the lights and go upstairs. I wait. I come back down, flip on the lights and AHA! No sign of the crab. I go to bed.

(Next morning) I creep down the steps and flip on the lights. Search furiously and no crab. Get kids to school. Go to work.

I become the Forest Gump of TSS staff. I am involved in an involuntary game of tag and hide and seek in an Elementary school. I run up the hallway, I run down the hallway, up the hallway and down again. Fly girl tags kindergartener and carries to Principal's office. Was it really last week that I thought my job was cake??

Come home and receive IM from mother;

Mom: You there?
Me: Yup
Me: You?
Mom: just got home, can't wait til this shit is over with D***** (my ex-husband)
Mom: I had a nightmare and he was in it last night.
Mom: I was up every hour.
Me: Welcome to the club...lol.

(Note to self: the disease has spread. Attempt to decontaminate)

Conversation with Dalton on the phone;

Dalton: Did you find my hermit crab?
Me: No, Dalton I didn't.
Dalton: Leave his blue shell out and he will come out.
Me: Oh, he will come out for his shell?
Dalton: Yeah. He will pinch Iggy.
Me: He won't pinch Iggy, honey.
Dalton: No, Daddy doesn't have a hermit crab. He doesn't have an Iggy, only at your house.
Me: (???) I know, I will look for Coco, I promise.
Dalton: I want to come to your house.
Me: Tomorrow, Dalton. I will see you tomorrow.

After conversation: I pull out every peice of furniture in the living room. I pull out ever peice of furniture in the family room. I drag the washer and dryer out in the bathroom. I pull out the refrigerator, take off the cover in the front, look with a flashlight in the back. Find hole in the cabinets and hope like hell Coco isn't in there. I look under the stove, pull it out and no crab.

Oh MY GOD, I hear clinking. Shhhh! More clinking. It's the damn crab, it has to be!!! BRB.

It was him. The little shit was crawling out from behind the refrigerator while I was typing and heading back under it when I nabbed him. He must've known I was blogging about him. Whew. I have to say, he has character and all that, but Coco is just plain creepy.

What a day.

The Tenant

It was another good day, mostly. The kids and I took a trip to see Aunt Becky and their cousins. We came home and took a trip to the creek, we caught one little crayfish and skipped rocks. And then we had steaks on the grill for dinner. That's when our good day came to a screeching halt.

I had written a note to my 'neighbor' that lives in the back efficiency apartment of the house. I have the entire house except for that, and I absolutely hate it. The current occupant is the one and only occupant I cannot seem to maintain a level of civility with. It began with the first time he was living there and one of the kids left the walkway door open. He came in, slammed the door and hollered "dumbass' loudly enough to be heard by the entire neighborhood. I have never seen him smile, or so much as say hello. Ever. So, my note consisted of a request to have him not drop his cigarrette butts in my driveway (and I did say please). I also told him that I put a can on the stoop so that he could dispose of them there. Well, apparently I offended him quite badly, because he knocked on my door and told me if I leave another note he's going to report me for trespassing. (In a year, it was the second one). He also called me a 'hog' (in front of my kids) because the kids bikes were in the driveway and I had a folded up kennel, carseat and our shoes in the entranceway. It didn't seem to matter that even with the kids bikes technically IN the driveway, there was still room enough for three cars to park and that my things in no way prohibited him from entering the doorway or into his residence. Well, I have not had much back bone of late, and so, I cried. I can't seem to take a cross look from anyone without a tear. Tears and then the churning of my stomach. So he left and came back again, I had to ask..."Do you work at being miserable or does it come naturally?" That began another tirade...and thank God, Geoff, my employer at the Steakhouse dropped by to tell me I didn't have to work tomorrow night. He asked if I was ok, and the 'neighbor' got into his truck, pulled up in front of him instead of taking the opposite way down the street, like he was going to run him off the road. That was the end of that. But throughout the whole rest of the night, Derek asked me if I was ok, told me I looked sad. Derek even told me to make sure the doors were locked tonight, my poor kid. I called my landlord and told him that I am going to start looking for another place...it isn't a notice, just a heads up. We just didn't need this tonight. I totally didn't need it.

I wish that I had someone to sit on the front porch with me, with a cup of coffee, to talk about the good and bad stuff of the day. Instead, I am sitting at my desk typing my woes and joys into a blog, feeling like a jerk for requesting that my driveway be butt free and that something so stupid had to taint our Sunday night. Tomorrow another week begins, there are lunches to pack and clothes to lay out for work and school. And while I'm feeling quite blue, part of me wants to tell the 'tenant' to take his bad attitude and stick it up his...

A Day

It's April 1st already. Where did March go?? I find myself reflecting on whole weeks gone past...so, so quickly it's frightening. There is so much to be done this month. There are so many big things happening. So many huge changes may occur. I find myself as about as tense as I have ever been...some days to the point of feeling seriously ill.

I worked tonight at the restaurant. I love it there, but tonight it hardly seemed with my time. After paying my tip out to the bus girl, the babysitter, and what I owed my boss's daughter for Easter chocolate (for the kids baskets) I came home with 15 dollars. Ah, well. So it goes.

I got home tonight and my youngest was sleeping, he was so tired. Derek was awake and waiting for me. He smiled and asked me to cuddle while he finished watching his movie 'Dinosaur'. I put my arm around him and he said "I missed you Mommy. I like this, spending time together just you and me." That's my son. My beautiful boy. The movie ended, I kissed him and said good-night.

Simple Things

I awoke to the promise of an extremely hectic day, but a rare thing happened, a small change completely turned things around. Phyllis worked for me. Thank God. So, instead of driving at an unsafe speed in order to make it home and to work, (I nearly got a ticket on my way to pick up the kids), we had a leisurely drive home. We took our lizards and hermit crab to share with Derek's class the last 15 minutes of the day, and so it was nice to not have to pack up and run. Iggy was so well behaved. He lay in cradled on my arm, and let all the 2nd graders ooo and ahhh and touch him.

It was a beautiful warm day. We stopped at the store to pick up some charcoal, lighter fluid, and a six pack. When we got home the kids played in the sandbox, I cooked ribs on the grill and made baked beans while I drank my Yuengling Porter. Life is good. After dinner we watched King Kong with certain scenes skipped.

Now that movie was probably one of the worst I've seen. In it's entirety, it wasn't suitable for kids, and for me, it wasn't really that captivating. I think I spent more time wondering how in the world anyone could believe that people lived through running with a heard of...allosaurus'(?) and raptors. And I won't even start on the swinging T-Rex...or the story in general...

I got my first paycheck from my 'day' job. It's certainly nothing to 'write home' about, but the feeling of productivity is comforting. I've been a waitress and clerk for so long to get by, now I'm doing something to improve the world, even if just one classroom, just one child. So when I recover from my satisfaction condition, I will figure out whether the gas bill, credit card or attorney gets paid.

I'm off to enjoy my Saturday. I do have to work tonight, but until then we are going to have a blast as soon as Derek gets his lazy butt out of bed. Happy weekend all.

Summer Escape

The kids and I haven't taken a vacation in 3 years. So what we do is take day adventures to local hideaways like this. I used to come here as a child once in awhile, and this was the first time I brought Derek and Dalton, even though it's only 25 miles out of town. Getting there, it felt like I was driving forever. We made stops along the way, but the goal was to find the spot along the 'creek' called Big Falls. It's nearly impossible! You cannot see the water from the road, the trees are very dense and the only way to get to the creek is to hike down one of the very well hidden and very steep paths along this rather primitive dirt road. There were just a few people scattered along the way with their dogs and so one of them clued me in. Big Falls is marked with a faded red X painted on a tree stump next to the path. I don't have a picture of Big Falls, but if you can imagine, it's a small rock water fall with cliffs on both sides. There is a small, very cold, deep pool at the end. There is a rope set up that you can swing from into the water, but some of the crazier people climb the trees on the opposite side and jump the 30 feet down. I also took my little red-headed, too brave for her britches neice, Babe (Sierra), who talked a teen-ager into jumping off the cliff with her, since I was watching Dalton. She jumped, and jumped...once Derek went up with her, but looked down and walked back. I remember that feeling as a kid.
The really cool thing is that everywhere you stop along the way on the creek, theres a different landscape. The kid's love the critter-hunting value of the area more than anything else! Welcome to rural Pennsylvania!!

Lizard Lovers

Well, I whined and cried again. I feel so stupid when I write such a depressing post...but every couple of days something new happens and it drags me down. The need to vent is just overwhelming. Today, I'm going to write about Iggy. He's been a loyal friend for almost three years and it seems like a good topic because today the kids and I went shopping for him. He also had a bath for a change, I heard that iguanas like their baths, but Iggy didn't seem to happy about it.

I never dreamed that I would own, and really LIKE, a reptile. I guess I never thought a reptile would have much of a personality, but he really does! I first obtained Iggy when my mom's friend asked her if she knew anyone that would like to have an Iguana. Of course, for God knows what reason, my mom thought of me. She knows that the boys LOVE any kind of animal, especially reptiles. So, I said sure. I had no clue. None. I got him some Iguana staples at the local pet shop, asked some questions about an Iguana's needs...and proceeded to listen to a story about a woman who received 7 stitches in the face after her long time friend bit her. Nice. THAT didn't make me paranoid. I met Iggy at this woman's house, and he kind of freaked me out. He has never been contained, so cool. Her instructions were that you have to talk babytalk to him before you approach him, let him run free, and feed him an egg once a week with his fruits and veggies. So I took him with a "here we go wittle iggy wiggy, good wittle boy", and put him in the car. I put him between my mom and I in front seat of the car. The kids were in the back, and Dalton was a little nervous about this weird looking creature as well. We're driving along, and Iggy wants to wander. He did...up my arm and onto my shoulder. I looked at him through my peripheral vision as I was driving, and guess what I saw? Teeth. Big Iguana teeth that would mar my face forever. And his mouth wasn't even open. Then he began to travel further upward, I guess for a better view, onto the top of my head. He has these nice long skinny toes that got tangled in my hair so much so that I had to stop along the road for my mom to detangle him. That was the beginning. It took a long time to get used to this creature in my house. He has always had free reign. For awhile, the kids and I played "find the leezard" every morning. I would walk around the corner from the kitchen and he would scare the crap out of me, because I forgot a scaly crawler was on the loose. But he has wormed his way into our hearts. And he has survived a crazy household.

About Iggy. When he's hungry he sits in front of the refridgerator. When he gets the chance, he crawls into it. A babysitter had to call her dad one night because she couldn't/wouldnt' get him out. When I feed him, he doesn't look at the pile of food in front of him, he goes right for my hand, not viciously, but because he's spoiled and it so much easier to have the food put in front of your mouth than to bend over that 1/2 inch. In the summer he runs toward an open door to get out. I let him out pretty freely, I check on him every so often. He comes back and waits at the door at dusk. When he's in a bad mood and doesn't want affection, he'll swat at you with his front leg. When he does want attention, he'll come into the living room while you're watching t.v. and crawl up your back, and scare the shit out of you. He will close his eyes, put his head up and lean into you as you stroke him. If he doesn't like something, like an offer of unwanted food, he'll turn his head and close his eyes as though he refuses to acknowledge your presence.

You have to be a special person to stroke a rough, scaly creature and find pleasure in it! So, I'm hooked. The kids and I went to a pet store today to look around, and you'll never guess! We came home with two more reptiles, anoles. Derek has claimed them as his very own, and Dalton got his favorite...a hermit crab he named Coco. Coco is a wild one, he's actually in a bird cage at the moment and seems to think that hanging from the top is the ticket to freedom. He's on his third trip up. The anoles are adorable, very small and friendly to handle. Tonight, instead of sleeping, Derek asked me about getting more. He wants the black and yellow monitor and some tree frogs. The child is ecstatic about his pets. Finally when he settled down, he asked me if I would take care of them while he was at his dad's. As I left him to sleep, I told him, "sweet dreams...dream of playing in the rainforest with lots of beautiful reptiles!" He smiled and nodded.