It feels like there is so much to balance lately, and I can't eliminate that feeling of teetering. Peter isn' getting paid on time because Paul had his hand thrust forward first. I nearly walked away from my job not wanting to look back. I'm hoping that when my application portfolio was placed on the 36 inch pile of teaching applications it doesn't get lost or overlooked.
I think I'm burned out. I love kids. I really, really do. But lately I have been punched, kicked, scratched and head butted (with marks to prove it) and I decided maybe I should quit after a day of restraining when I couldn't this time stop the tears from coming. Shit. All that work to show an ounce of weakness. And it wasn't being smacked in the eye, scratched down my face or being clipped in the chin with a back of the head that caused the tears. It was that total feeling of helplessness....the frustration of not getting through. It was that all the caring in the world might not help...and that thought coming home with me.
If I don't get a response on one of these teaching positions I'm heading in a new direction. I'm thinking about something in a small room with white walls. When I told my supervisor she might find me in the corner babbling, she promised to bring the crayons.
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Strange
Well...my week with the kids has been difficult. We have had a good time, but they have been antsy and well, difficult. The joys...
I found out some info between yesturday and today...interestingly enough the boys dad isn't in Pittsburg, he's in Germany and decided not to tell me, nor tell me that he wasn't taking the boys for their afternoon this week either. Apparently told the kids I said that they couldn't go with him. Funny, as I had no idea about the trip. The other piece of interesting info is that his house is featured in the Wellsboro "Mountain Home" magazine in a real estate ad as a 'dream home' for sale for a steal of $625,000.00. Yeah. So my question is...where the hell is he going? Derek and his older 1/2 brother have mentioned South Carolina, I guess the kids and their future holds a steady second place to whatever plans apparently are in the works.
Ok, so to the bottom of it all, I'm a little sad. I guess I thought that though I had no stake in the house, that it would be there for the kids. I didn't expect a change, at least for them. I do have to say that at least they were there...the place I brought them home to when they were born. The place I got married in (as big as a mistake it was), the place that still, though not mine, holds a lot of memories for the kids sake. blah, blah, blah....
On the flip side, change is hitting hard. Things will change regardless of where I stand and what I do. Which feels like nothing at this point. So I better get on it. Who knows. Maybe I'll end up in South Carolina myself....
I found out some info between yesturday and today...interestingly enough the boys dad isn't in Pittsburg, he's in Germany and decided not to tell me, nor tell me that he wasn't taking the boys for their afternoon this week either. Apparently told the kids I said that they couldn't go with him. Funny, as I had no idea about the trip. The other piece of interesting info is that his house is featured in the Wellsboro "Mountain Home" magazine in a real estate ad as a 'dream home' for sale for a steal of $625,000.00. Yeah. So my question is...where the hell is he going? Derek and his older 1/2 brother have mentioned South Carolina, I guess the kids and their future holds a steady second place to whatever plans apparently are in the works.
Ok, so to the bottom of it all, I'm a little sad. I guess I thought that though I had no stake in the house, that it would be there for the kids. I didn't expect a change, at least for them. I do have to say that at least they were there...the place I brought them home to when they were born. The place I got married in (as big as a mistake it was), the place that still, though not mine, holds a lot of memories for the kids sake. blah, blah, blah....
On the flip side, change is hitting hard. Things will change regardless of where I stand and what I do. Which feels like nothing at this point. So I better get on it. Who knows. Maybe I'll end up in South Carolina myself....
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Happy Mothers Day To Me!
I'm very happy in spite of myself this week. The ex is taking off to Pittsburg and I have the kids the entire week AND weekend to myself! (During the school year, the boys dad has all the weekends, and so this is my first this year!) I am trying to think of something extra special to do...but haven't decided yet. If you happen to be reading my blog and have an idea, feel free to post it! We also have the unintterupted week, so I can take Dalton to activity night at school on Tuesday, and the boys to the art show on Wednesday.
My job is sucking badly. I'm not getting hours consistently...and D paid off the remaining alimony which primarily went to my attorney, so that monthly payment I counted on until July is gone. I'm pretty worried about financial things of late...but hopeful because there are 3-5 teaching positions opening up for next fall. I complete successful interviews every night from about 10-2, when I should be trying to sleep.
My youngest will probably repeat his first grade year. It's basically my decision with a recommendation from his teacher and breaks my heart since he will not complete the 'graduation' with his first grade peers, but he is in a class that 'loops' with Kindergarten as well, so he will have a familiar group of kids to remain with. I'm frustrated with the school, we were supposed to meet with the psychologist, principal, reading support and regular teachers...but no one has contacted me yet and I won't decide until I have a chance to talk to them. They are getting ready for graduation and I just don't want Dalton to be any more disappointed than possible.
My oldest didn't have the greatest 4th grade year. Many, many issues, but few huge ones. I expected it somewhat, being the third school he's attended thus far. I'm really hoping that throughout the summer he can maintain friendships, and maybe slip into the coming year with a little more ease than this last year. He will be in middle school. I'd like to get him pointed in some direction, a sport, art, something! to stick to. His art teacher would told me that if he would just focus, he could be amazing, but that in art club, if they begin a topic/project he isn't interested in she loses him. I'm going to do a little digging to see what programs are available for summer. It strikes me at times that my son is growing up...and his 'childhood' is more than half over. Wow.
The briefs are filed for the ex's appeal, so now its a waiting game. I'm almost paid up on the $2500 retainer finally. I try not to think about it too much, but its there in the back of my mind.
I'm having a lot of headaches. I have never had headaches with the exception of a cold or sinus infection, but lately have them on a daily or every other day basis. Bad ones, the kind that you can't move without throbbing or nausea, and pain reliever merely takes some of the edge off.
On the lighter side of things...we have had lots of visitors lately, neighbor kids trickling in...lots of activity, laughter and play. Derek has never been a highly social kid, but he's growing into that part in bits. Spring has sprung and its wonderful to be outside, in the sandbox and on the trampoline and the sense of adventure has returned in full force. I'm ready for the laid back schedule of summer vacation. Life is never perfect, but I'm happy with just plain good.
My job is sucking badly. I'm not getting hours consistently...and D paid off the remaining alimony which primarily went to my attorney, so that monthly payment I counted on until July is gone. I'm pretty worried about financial things of late...but hopeful because there are 3-5 teaching positions opening up for next fall. I complete successful interviews every night from about 10-2, when I should be trying to sleep.
My youngest will probably repeat his first grade year. It's basically my decision with a recommendation from his teacher and breaks my heart since he will not complete the 'graduation' with his first grade peers, but he is in a class that 'loops' with Kindergarten as well, so he will have a familiar group of kids to remain with. I'm frustrated with the school, we were supposed to meet with the psychologist, principal, reading support and regular teachers...but no one has contacted me yet and I won't decide until I have a chance to talk to them. They are getting ready for graduation and I just don't want Dalton to be any more disappointed than possible.
My oldest didn't have the greatest 4th grade year. Many, many issues, but few huge ones. I expected it somewhat, being the third school he's attended thus far. I'm really hoping that throughout the summer he can maintain friendships, and maybe slip into the coming year with a little more ease than this last year. He will be in middle school. I'd like to get him pointed in some direction, a sport, art, something! to stick to. His art teacher would told me that if he would just focus, he could be amazing, but that in art club, if they begin a topic/project he isn't interested in she loses him. I'm going to do a little digging to see what programs are available for summer. It strikes me at times that my son is growing up...and his 'childhood' is more than half over. Wow.
The briefs are filed for the ex's appeal, so now its a waiting game. I'm almost paid up on the $2500 retainer finally. I try not to think about it too much, but its there in the back of my mind.
I'm having a lot of headaches. I have never had headaches with the exception of a cold or sinus infection, but lately have them on a daily or every other day basis. Bad ones, the kind that you can't move without throbbing or nausea, and pain reliever merely takes some of the edge off.
On the lighter side of things...we have had lots of visitors lately, neighbor kids trickling in...lots of activity, laughter and play. Derek has never been a highly social kid, but he's growing into that part in bits. Spring has sprung and its wonderful to be outside, in the sandbox and on the trampoline and the sense of adventure has returned in full force. I'm ready for the laid back schedule of summer vacation. Life is never perfect, but I'm happy with just plain good.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Update (though I know not frequent enough to keep up with ya'll!)
Spring is coming!!! The whole renewal thing is creeping up on me! YAY!
I have started working out again, even if just a little....its amazing what getting your butt up and moving in the morning can do for your day. Even if I haven't slept, which seems to be a nightly thing of late, I feel energized. It's a wonderful thing....
I have the kids all TO MYSELF THIS WEEK. The ex is out of town, so no interrupting visits til Friday. We have been making the most of it with a trip to the park last night to shoot some hoops, play tag and soccer...a game of which of my son and I got creamed by two of his friends. YIKES! I better get with the program... Tonight we went to Dalton's class dinner with a friend and her son, it was so very, very nice. We all had a good time.
I made a decision to cut my hours for the remainder of the year. I work 18 hours a week with a student and had picked up 10 more after school. The ten more was stressful, only because I never knew whether or not I was going to be able to bill for the hours if a parent was/wasn't available (since we don't get paid for 'babysitting' and have to have someone to 'transfer skills' to), we had late nights and had to pay for child care regardless. Its not much of an income, however, I am here for the boys for homework and things after school and have two flexible days with which to substitute or stay home with sick kids if needed (like last week). I haven't made this little money in some time, but with the current alimony, support, occasional sub job, and steakhouse nights, it works kind of ok....when summer hits, I'll be back to my 50 hour work weeks and much reduced heating bills so I'll get right again.
I'm really looking forward to this summer. If I can, I hope to take a few road trips, do some hiking and just enjoy a piece of it for myself. I think that I have come into a new 'era' of acceptance.
No more bitching! So sorry to have subjected my faithful blogger friends to the last post!!!! :)
I have started working out again, even if just a little....its amazing what getting your butt up and moving in the morning can do for your day. Even if I haven't slept, which seems to be a nightly thing of late, I feel energized. It's a wonderful thing....
I have the kids all TO MYSELF THIS WEEK. The ex is out of town, so no interrupting visits til Friday. We have been making the most of it with a trip to the park last night to shoot some hoops, play tag and soccer...a game of which of my son and I got creamed by two of his friends. YIKES! I better get with the program... Tonight we went to Dalton's class dinner with a friend and her son, it was so very, very nice. We all had a good time.
I made a decision to cut my hours for the remainder of the year. I work 18 hours a week with a student and had picked up 10 more after school. The ten more was stressful, only because I never knew whether or not I was going to be able to bill for the hours if a parent was/wasn't available (since we don't get paid for 'babysitting' and have to have someone to 'transfer skills' to), we had late nights and had to pay for child care regardless. Its not much of an income, however, I am here for the boys for homework and things after school and have two flexible days with which to substitute or stay home with sick kids if needed (like last week). I haven't made this little money in some time, but with the current alimony, support, occasional sub job, and steakhouse nights, it works kind of ok....when summer hits, I'll be back to my 50 hour work weeks and much reduced heating bills so I'll get right again.
I'm really looking forward to this summer. If I can, I hope to take a few road trips, do some hiking and just enjoy a piece of it for myself. I think that I have come into a new 'era' of acceptance.
No more bitching! So sorry to have subjected my faithful blogger friends to the last post!!!! :)
Saturday, February 23, 2008
"Untitled"
I keep looking back at the picture I had in my mind of the life I would lead after my divorce. Some parts of my life have evolved in leaps, some in skips and some things stood still. It's always in the back of my mind that I get one shot...at raising the boys, at personal fulfillment. Maslows hierarchy of needs....where do I stand on that path?
I keep telling myself that I have to evolve with my life instead of watching it pass me by. But if I'm honest with myself, I have watched too long. Being a single mom is hard. Harder than I would have imagined. The issues I face are sometimes devastating, so that my plan for change is constantly suppressed with feelings of failure, indecision, doubt, sadness.
I have sacrificed almost everything for the kids. They have sacrificed alot as well. They have been through two psychologicals, seeing a psychologist at school, and now, a therapist through the county because my ex has once again made a phone call to Children and Youth services to have me investigated for an incident that happened in his home. My oldest sons teacher has recommended a TSS for him because although he is capable, he is underperforming at school without one on one attention, not to mention behavior issues. In order to get this service, I have to have medical insurance that will cover mental health services so I applied for Assistance from the state to be able to get him on this program. I am already being bashed by the ex for 'sucking the government dry' even though he has not ponied up with some cash to help pay for our sons needs. And then there is my own feeling of failure by having to resort to government aid. Both boys have so much anger and frustration at times, that I wonder if I did things all wrong....from my separation to the final custody order, a span of 5 years. Maybe the sacrifice should have been to deal with the bastard until they were grown. But as we all know, the what if's will drive you mad.
And on top of that...my attorney is sucking the life out of my finances. I have known since the beginning that I may not be able to financially support my custody situation with the boys. It will never stop. Looking at the percentages....I made $32,000 over the last TWO years. Just in attorneys fees I have paid $10,000, as well as fees for psychologicals. One third of my income in two years. I sent a check to my attorney last week for $1600. I have $12.00 until next Friday.
I don't know how to juggle it all. Rock bottom is constantly just outside my back door, waiting for me. Phone calls from creditors haunt me daily...dodging shut off notices is a monthly routine. I work with kids on their behavior modification plans every day, but wonder what issues I will come home to with my own. I have to cope with my sinus infection because I have no medical insurance for myself and somehow try to quiet the "howhowhowhow" at night to sleep.
The rose colored glasses are gone. This is my last indulgence in self-pity. "Live like it is, until it is..."
I keep telling myself that I have to evolve with my life instead of watching it pass me by. But if I'm honest with myself, I have watched too long. Being a single mom is hard. Harder than I would have imagined. The issues I face are sometimes devastating, so that my plan for change is constantly suppressed with feelings of failure, indecision, doubt, sadness.
I have sacrificed almost everything for the kids. They have sacrificed alot as well. They have been through two psychologicals, seeing a psychologist at school, and now, a therapist through the county because my ex has once again made a phone call to Children and Youth services to have me investigated for an incident that happened in his home. My oldest sons teacher has recommended a TSS for him because although he is capable, he is underperforming at school without one on one attention, not to mention behavior issues. In order to get this service, I have to have medical insurance that will cover mental health services so I applied for Assistance from the state to be able to get him on this program. I am already being bashed by the ex for 'sucking the government dry' even though he has not ponied up with some cash to help pay for our sons needs. And then there is my own feeling of failure by having to resort to government aid. Both boys have so much anger and frustration at times, that I wonder if I did things all wrong....from my separation to the final custody order, a span of 5 years. Maybe the sacrifice should have been to deal with the bastard until they were grown. But as we all know, the what if's will drive you mad.
And on top of that...my attorney is sucking the life out of my finances. I have known since the beginning that I may not be able to financially support my custody situation with the boys. It will never stop. Looking at the percentages....I made $32,000 over the last TWO years. Just in attorneys fees I have paid $10,000, as well as fees for psychologicals. One third of my income in two years. I sent a check to my attorney last week for $1600. I have $12.00 until next Friday.
I don't know how to juggle it all. Rock bottom is constantly just outside my back door, waiting for me. Phone calls from creditors haunt me daily...dodging shut off notices is a monthly routine. I work with kids on their behavior modification plans every day, but wonder what issues I will come home to with my own. I have to cope with my sinus infection because I have no medical insurance for myself and somehow try to quiet the "howhowhowhow" at night to sleep.
The rose colored glasses are gone. This is my last indulgence in self-pity. "Live like it is, until it is..."
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Interesting (and fun) afternoon....
So....today my client didn't show up for school due to the stomach flu. I ended up getting a last minute sub call from subfinder(called at 11;40 for a sub job to start at 11:30) so I dropped everything and left. It was a nice afternoon. Taught two classes science (all about negatively and positively charged particles...took a little digging to find that in my brain) one of which was my son's 4th grade class.
So I'm establishing what they know about positive and negative charges as it relates to lightning, and my son, whose class has established clearly that the sub is his mom, answers a question about condensation (cloud forms)and I'm a little proud, can't help it. I teach the lesson then I give the assignment to answer the three questions at the bottom of the page, and I'm explaining and re-explaining, so Derek raises his hand when some of the kids are done. I go to him and he hands me his paper. A paper that has little question marks around one big question mark in the middle. And so, I wondered how he would act with mom as the teacher and I found out. Just like he acts at home! (Oh yeah, and he didn't bring his book home to do the assignment for homework. BUT, I remember the questions and the lesson so the little turd didn't get out of it.)
So I'm establishing what they know about positive and negative charges as it relates to lightning, and my son, whose class has established clearly that the sub is his mom, answers a question about condensation (cloud forms)and I'm a little proud, can't help it. I teach the lesson then I give the assignment to answer the three questions at the bottom of the page, and I'm explaining and re-explaining, so Derek raises his hand when some of the kids are done. I go to him and he hands me his paper. A paper that has little question marks around one big question mark in the middle. And so, I wondered how he would act with mom as the teacher and I found out. Just like he acts at home! (Oh yeah, and he didn't bring his book home to do the assignment for homework. BUT, I remember the questions and the lesson so the little turd didn't get out of it.)
My life is crazy....
I have so much going on everyday. It's amazing how things change, and so quickly. The scoop on the job front is this....
I began the year with a client at my son's school, in 1st grade. Things were set up nicely for me and for the kids. I simply dropped the kids off at school when I went to work and took them home after. Well, my client's caregiver decided she didn't like me (for no real reason, no valid on as I was told by my supervisor) so I was pulled from her and given another client with 12 less hours and in the middle school. So I was pretty well screwed with hours, and pay,(not to mention the fact that I had been effective with the client) very discouraged with the whole situation. BUT, in the middle school, I developed a relationship with the Life Skills teacher who has been an AWESOME support. As it turned out she worked in my Aunt's Emotional Support Classroom before getting her teaching certification. She basically didn't want anyone in her room with my client. She told me today, she was especially pleased that if anyone was going to be there, that it was me and has had me sub one day for her, as well as set up another day to sub in two weeks. She also(when I started) set strict hours for me to be with the client and has offered to let me compact those into three days so that I can sub two. She has given me a heads up on future teaching positions and has offered to send recommendations to other teachers for me as a sub for those two days.
This is awesome since I am so very dissatisfied with my job as a TSS. I'm annoyed at being 'fired' from a client because of a wacko caregiver, also because my schedule. I was offered an afterschool job with a client that I refused because of a personal knowledge of the family. Then offered another, even though my supervisor is aware of my schedule with the boys (I only have them during school days, D has one day afterschool and all weekends) and threatened me with losing my partial unemployment if I didn't accept the job. (Funny how I never got a call back on getting another client until after I filed for UC.)
So now, I have two clients, have to hurry up and get afterschool child care, and will probably be substituting more. I just feel like this schedule is going to be insane. However, I might actually have some money for Christmas, and if I get a toe in at the middle school....well the goal is a teaching position. Keep an eye on the goal, Minmonster....
Oh yeah, and my car started smoking this week. Last night I found out it was a head gasket (they are pretty sure). I was all set to go postal thinking that there goes any money I set aside for my sons birthday and Christmas when I was assured it was covered by my extended warranty. Whew. I'm pretty relieved that I didn't cancel it as I had been thinking about for a couple of months now.
Gotta run, my client was sick today and so....I'm out of a days pay. Oh the ups and downs....
I began the year with a client at my son's school, in 1st grade. Things were set up nicely for me and for the kids. I simply dropped the kids off at school when I went to work and took them home after. Well, my client's caregiver decided she didn't like me (for no real reason, no valid on as I was told by my supervisor) so I was pulled from her and given another client with 12 less hours and in the middle school. So I was pretty well screwed with hours, and pay,(not to mention the fact that I had been effective with the client) very discouraged with the whole situation. BUT, in the middle school, I developed a relationship with the Life Skills teacher who has been an AWESOME support. As it turned out she worked in my Aunt's Emotional Support Classroom before getting her teaching certification. She basically didn't want anyone in her room with my client. She told me today, she was especially pleased that if anyone was going to be there, that it was me and has had me sub one day for her, as well as set up another day to sub in two weeks. She also(when I started) set strict hours for me to be with the client and has offered to let me compact those into three days so that I can sub two. She has given me a heads up on future teaching positions and has offered to send recommendations to other teachers for me as a sub for those two days.
This is awesome since I am so very dissatisfied with my job as a TSS. I'm annoyed at being 'fired' from a client because of a wacko caregiver, also because my schedule. I was offered an afterschool job with a client that I refused because of a personal knowledge of the family. Then offered another, even though my supervisor is aware of my schedule with the boys (I only have them during school days, D has one day afterschool and all weekends) and threatened me with losing my partial unemployment if I didn't accept the job. (Funny how I never got a call back on getting another client until after I filed for UC.)
So now, I have two clients, have to hurry up and get afterschool child care, and will probably be substituting more. I just feel like this schedule is going to be insane. However, I might actually have some money for Christmas, and if I get a toe in at the middle school....well the goal is a teaching position. Keep an eye on the goal, Minmonster....
Oh yeah, and my car started smoking this week. Last night I found out it was a head gasket (they are pretty sure). I was all set to go postal thinking that there goes any money I set aside for my sons birthday and Christmas when I was assured it was covered by my extended warranty. Whew. I'm pretty relieved that I didn't cancel it as I had been thinking about for a couple of months now.
Gotta run, my client was sick today and so....I'm out of a days pay. Oh the ups and downs....
Sunday, November 25, 2007
...of my midlife crisis???
Oh, ho, I have not posted in awhile. That last post was tough to re-read. All that happy shit about a new relationship. (WOW do I sound bitter!) Needless to say, it ended badly. Very badly. I was so totally roped in by the lies...lots of them.
And so, although after my marriage I promised myself that I would never, ever take an antidepressant again, I ended up taking one. I was on another brink, one of despair. It was the relationship, and the numerous other little things happening all at once that made me feel like cracking. It was not a good, clean character building hardship. I worked my ass off to get where I am at, meager as it may be, and found myself staring at it all falling apart. I would explain, but even on here it's humiliating. Now mind you, I'm not a kill myself type person in the worst of circumstances. BUT I was having trouble functioning. Couldn't control the tears. I went to see my doctor. She listened carefully while I tearly explained my predicament. She looked at me and said tenatively, "That's a lot for one person to handle on their own, I'm not sure how you did it this long". She asked me if I needed a few days on the 'third floor' and when I refused the tempting offer, she wrote me a perscription. I got over it. I found my strength that failed me for a couple of weeks. And I got mad. You see, I felt so badly for this guy that I helped him buy a car. I didn't put alot of money into it, but the title, registration and insurance was all in my name. He ran, and I didn't know where he or the car was. He refused to meet me several times to get the info switched over. So I called the local police, the state police, the local police when I found out what town he was in and they all said "sorry, its a civil matter, can't help ya." So I started calling people. I knew the town he was in and planned. I decided, enough is enough, took my sister, a sledgehammer, a knife, and the key I wasn't sure fit the car or not. Because if I couldn't drive it, I was taking out the windshield and tires before I left. I drove around for two hours before finding the car. When I did find it, I got in it and drove away. The funny part was when he called the police and reported it stolen. And that was my big revenge for being used and lied to. Not much, but it helped.
So, that nightmare is over with. There is still the ex-husband who asked to keep the kids overnight tonight. Said that they both wanted to stay, so I said it was ok. Derek called and started to cry because he was worried he couldn't because Dalton was crying because he wanted to come home. I talked to Dalton and he was better after I told him that we had two whole, special days together off from school. BUT there was an argument with Darwin and he was so freaking unreasonable that at the end of the first conversation I couldn't speak. He said "well can the kids stay or not?" after he knew he pissed me off. He was saying hello....hello...and I was choking out an Uhh, hmmm, because I didn't trust myself to say anything. "You motherfucking, cocksucking lying selfish son of a bitch" was dying to fly off the tip of my tongue and it was a lot to hold it in. He hung up on me and I took a few deep breaths before calling back. I said that I talked to Dalton and hes ok with staying, that I am not pulling the rug out from under the kids because "you are being a jerk" but just because you are disgruntled about one decision I made you didn't like, doesn't mean I have to kiss your butt for months. Get over it. I hung up. And I am determined that from here on in, I'm done. I cannot talk to the man. It will give me a stroke one of these days.
So tonight, I'm home alone listening to the rain thinking of all the things I don't want to do, thinking of nothing I want to do and feeling quite lost. But the boys are coming home tomorrow. And we will have two very special days together.
And so, although after my marriage I promised myself that I would never, ever take an antidepressant again, I ended up taking one. I was on another brink, one of despair. It was the relationship, and the numerous other little things happening all at once that made me feel like cracking. It was not a good, clean character building hardship. I worked my ass off to get where I am at, meager as it may be, and found myself staring at it all falling apart. I would explain, but even on here it's humiliating. Now mind you, I'm not a kill myself type person in the worst of circumstances. BUT I was having trouble functioning. Couldn't control the tears. I went to see my doctor. She listened carefully while I tearly explained my predicament. She looked at me and said tenatively, "That's a lot for one person to handle on their own, I'm not sure how you did it this long". She asked me if I needed a few days on the 'third floor' and when I refused the tempting offer, she wrote me a perscription. I got over it. I found my strength that failed me for a couple of weeks. And I got mad. You see, I felt so badly for this guy that I helped him buy a car. I didn't put alot of money into it, but the title, registration and insurance was all in my name. He ran, and I didn't know where he or the car was. He refused to meet me several times to get the info switched over. So I called the local police, the state police, the local police when I found out what town he was in and they all said "sorry, its a civil matter, can't help ya." So I started calling people. I knew the town he was in and planned. I decided, enough is enough, took my sister, a sledgehammer, a knife, and the key I wasn't sure fit the car or not. Because if I couldn't drive it, I was taking out the windshield and tires before I left. I drove around for two hours before finding the car. When I did find it, I got in it and drove away. The funny part was when he called the police and reported it stolen. And that was my big revenge for being used and lied to. Not much, but it helped.
So, that nightmare is over with. There is still the ex-husband who asked to keep the kids overnight tonight. Said that they both wanted to stay, so I said it was ok. Derek called and started to cry because he was worried he couldn't because Dalton was crying because he wanted to come home. I talked to Dalton and he was better after I told him that we had two whole, special days together off from school. BUT there was an argument with Darwin and he was so freaking unreasonable that at the end of the first conversation I couldn't speak. He said "well can the kids stay or not?" after he knew he pissed me off. He was saying hello....hello...and I was choking out an Uhh, hmmm, because I didn't trust myself to say anything. "You motherfucking, cocksucking lying selfish son of a bitch" was dying to fly off the tip of my tongue and it was a lot to hold it in. He hung up on me and I took a few deep breaths before calling back. I said that I talked to Dalton and hes ok with staying, that I am not pulling the rug out from under the kids because "you are being a jerk" but just because you are disgruntled about one decision I made you didn't like, doesn't mean I have to kiss your butt for months. Get over it. I hung up. And I am determined that from here on in, I'm done. I cannot talk to the man. It will give me a stroke one of these days.
So tonight, I'm home alone listening to the rain thinking of all the things I don't want to do, thinking of nothing I want to do and feeling quite lost. But the boys are coming home tomorrow. And we will have two very special days together.
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