On the brink...

June.

2008-06-01T19:25:00.000-07:00

It feels like there is so much to balance lately, and I can't eliminate that feeling of teetering. Peter isn' getting paid on time because Paul had his hand thrust forward first. I nearly walked away from my job not wanting to look back. I'm hoping that when my application portfolio was placed on the 36 inch pile of teaching applications it doesn't get lost or overlooked.

I think I'm burned out. I love kids. I really, really do. But lately I have been punched, kicked, scratched and head butted (with marks to prove it) and I decided maybe I should quit after a day of restraining when I couldn't this time stop the tears from coming. Shit. All that work to show an ounce of weakness. And it wasn't being smacked in the eye, scratched down my face or being clipped in the chin with a back of the head that caused the tears. It was that total feeling of helplessness....the frustration of not getting through. It was that all the caring in the world might not help...and that thought coming home with me.

If I don't get a response on one of these teaching positions I'm heading in a new direction. I'm thinking about something in a small room with white walls. When I told my supervisor she might find me in the corner babbling, she promised to bring the crayons.

Strange

2008-05-12T18:24:00.000-07:00

Well...my week with the kids has been difficult. We have had a good time, but they have been antsy and well, difficult. The joys...

I found out some info between yesturday and today...interestingly enough the boys dad isn't in Pittsburg, he's in Germany and decided not to tell me, nor tell me that he wasn't taking the boys for their afternoon this week either. Apparently told the kids I said that they couldn't go with him. Funny, as I had no idea about the trip. The other piece of interesting info is that his house is featured in the Wellsboro "Mountain Home" magazine in a real estate ad as a 'dream home' for sale for a steal of $625,000.00. Yeah. So my question is...where the hell is he going? Derek and his older 1/2 brother have mentioned South Carolina, I guess the kids and their future holds a steady second place to whatever plans apparently are in the works.

Ok, so to the bottom of it all, I'm a little sad. I guess I thought that though I had no stake in the house, that it would be there for the kids. I didn't expect a change, at least for them. I do have to say that at least they were there...the place I brought them home to when they were born. The place I got married in (as big as a mistake it was), the place that still, though not mine, holds a lot of memories for the kids sake. blah, blah, blah....

On the flip side, change is hitting hard. Things will change regardless of where I stand and what I do. Which feels like nothing at this point. So I better get on it. Who knows. Maybe I'll end up in South Carolina myself....

Happy Mothers Day To Me!

2008-05-03T20:23:00.000-07:00

I'm very happy in spite of myself this week. The ex is taking off to Pittsburg and I have the kids the entire week AND weekend to myself! (During the school year, the boys dad has all the weekends, and so this is my first this year!) I am trying to think of something extra special to do...but haven't decided yet. If you happen to be reading my blog and have an idea, feel free to post it! We also have the unintterupted week, so I can take Dalton to activity night at school on Tuesday, and the boys to the art show on Wednesday.

My job is sucking badly. I'm not getting hours consistently...and D paid off the remaining alimony which primarily went to my attorney, so that monthly payment I counted on until July is gone. I'm pretty worried about financial things of late...but hopeful because there are 3-5 teaching positions opening up for next fall. I complete successful interviews every night from about 10-2, when I should be trying to sleep.

My youngest will probably repeat his first grade year. It's basically my decision with a recommendation from his teacher and breaks my heart since he will not complete the 'graduation' with his first grade peers, but he is in a class that 'loops' with Kindergarten as well, so he will have a familiar group of kids to remain with. I'm frustrated with the school, we were supposed to meet with the psychologist, principal, reading support and regular teachers...but no one has contacted me yet and I won't decide until I have a chance to talk to them. They are getting ready for graduation and I just don't want Dalton to be any more disappointed than possible.

My oldest didn't have the greatest 4th grade year. Many, many issues, but few huge ones. I expected it somewhat, being the third school he's attended thus far. I'm really hoping that throughout the summer he can maintain friendships, and maybe slip into the coming year with a little more ease than this last year. He will be in middle school. I'd like to get him pointed in some direction, a sport, art, something! to stick to. His art teacher would told me that if he would just focus, he could be amazing, but that in art club, if they begin a topic/project he isn't interested in she loses him. I'm going to do a little digging to see what programs are available for summer. It strikes me at times that my son is growing up...and his 'childhood' is more than half over. Wow.

The briefs are filed for the ex's appeal, so now its a waiting game. I'm almost paid up on the $2500 retainer finally. I try not to think about it too much, but its there in the back of my mind.

I'm having a lot of headaches. I have never had headaches with the exception of a cold or sinus infection, but lately have them on a daily or every other day basis. Bad ones, the kind that you can't move without throbbing or nausea, and pain reliever merely takes some of the edge off.

On the lighter side of things...we have had lots of visitors lately, neighbor kids trickling in...lots of activity, laughter and play. Derek has never been a highly social kid, but he's growing into that part in bits. Spring has sprung and its wonderful to be outside, in the sandbox and on the trampoline and the sense of adventure has returned in full force. I'm ready for the laid back schedule of summer vacation. Life is never perfect, but I'm happy with just plain good.

Your Guardian Angel

2008-03-18T19:36:00.000-07:00

Music Video:

Music Video Code by Video Code Zone

Update (though I know not frequent enough to keep up with ya'll!)

2008-03-18T18:32:00.000-07:00

Spring is coming!!! The whole renewal thing is creeping up on me! YAY!

I have started working out again, even if just a little....its amazing what getting your butt up and moving in the morning can do for your day. Even if I haven't slept, which seems to be a nightly thing of late, I feel energized. It's a wonderful thing....

I have the kids all TO MYSELF THIS WEEK. The ex is out of town, so no interrupting visits til Friday. We have been making the most of it with a trip to the park last night to shoot some hoops, play tag and soccer...a game of which of my son and I got creamed by two of his friends. YIKES! I better get with the program... Tonight we went to Dalton's class dinner with a friend and her son, it was so very, very nice. We all had a good time.

I made a decision to cut my hours for the remainder of the year. I work 18 hours a week with a student and had picked up 10 more after school. The ten more was stressful, only because I never knew whether or not I was going to be able to bill for the hours if a parent was/wasn't available (since we don't get paid for 'babysitting' and have to have someone to 'transfer skills' to), we had late nights and had to pay for child care regardless. Its not much of an income, however, I am here for the boys for homework and things after school and have two flexible days with which to substitute or stay home with sick kids if needed (like last week). I haven't made this little money in some time, but with the current alimony, support, occasional sub job, and steakhouse nights, it works kind of ok....when summer hits, I'll be back to my 50 hour work weeks and much reduced heating bills so I'll get right again.

I'm really looking forward to this summer. If I can, I hope to take a few road trips, do some hiking and just enjoy a piece of it for myself. I think that I have come into a new 'era' of acceptance.

No more bitching! So sorry to have subjected my faithful blogger friends to the last post!!!! :)

"Untitled"

2008-02-23T07:19:00.000-08:00

I keep looking back at the picture I had in my mind of the life I would lead after my divorce. Some parts of my life have evolved in leaps, some in skips and some things stood still. It's always in the back of my mind that I get one shot...at raising the boys, at personal fulfillment. Maslows hierarchy of needs....where do I stand on that path?

I keep telling myself that I have to evolve with my life instead of watching it pass me by. But if I'm honest with myself, I have watched too long. Being a single mom is hard. Harder than I would have imagined. The issues I face are sometimes devastating, so that my plan for change is constantly suppressed with feelings of failure, indecision, doubt, sadness.

I have sacrificed almost everything for the kids. They have sacrificed alot as well. They have been through two psychologicals, seeing a psychologist at school, and now, a therapist through the county because my ex has once again made a phone call to Children and Youth services to have me investigated for an incident that happened in his home. My oldest sons teacher has recommended a TSS for him because although he is capable, he is underperforming at school without one on one attention, not to mention behavior issues. In order to get this service, I have to have medical insurance that will cover mental health services so I applied for Assistance from the state to be able to get him on this program. I am already being bashed by the ex for 'sucking the government dry' even though he has not ponied up with some cash to help pay for our sons needs. And then there is my own feeling of failure by having to resort to government aid. Both boys have so much anger and frustration at times, that I wonder if I did things all wrong....from my separation to the final custody order, a span of 5 years. Maybe the sacrifice should have been to deal with the bastard until they were grown. But as we all know, the what if's will drive you mad.

And on top of that...my attorney is sucking the life out of my finances. I have known since the beginning that I may not be able to financially support my custody situation with the boys. It will never stop. Looking at the percentages....I made $32,000 over the last TWO years. Just in attorneys fees I have paid $10,000, as well as fees for psychologicals. One third of my income in two years. I sent a check to my attorney last week for $1600. I have $12.00 until next Friday.

I don't know how to juggle it all. Rock bottom is constantly just outside my back door, waiting for me. Phone calls from creditors haunt me daily...dodging shut off notices is a monthly routine. I work with kids on their behavior modification plans every day, but wonder what issues I will come home to with my own. I have to cope with my sinus infection because I have no medical insurance for myself and somehow try to quiet the "howhowhowhow" at night to sleep.

The rose colored glasses are gone. This is my last indulgence in self-pity. "Live like it is, until it is..."

Interesting (and fun) afternoon....

2007-11-29T18:51:00.000-08:00

So....today my client didn't show up for school due to the stomach flu. I ended up getting a last minute sub call from subfinder(called at 11;40 for a sub job to start at 11:30) so I dropped everything and left. It was a nice afternoon. Taught two classes science (all about negatively and positively charged particles...took a little digging to find that in my brain) one of which was my son's 4th grade class.

So I'm establishing what they know about positive and negative charges as it relates to lightning, and my son, whose class has established clearly that the sub is his mom, answers a question about condensation (cloud forms)and I'm a little proud, can't help it. I teach the lesson then I give the assignment to answer the three questions at the bottom of the page, and I'm explaining and re-explaining, so Derek raises his hand when some of the kids are done. I go to him and he hands me his paper. A paper that has little question marks around one big question mark in the middle. And so, I wondered how he would act with mom as the teacher and I found out. Just like he acts at home! (Oh yeah, and he didn't bring his book home to do the assignment for homework. BUT, I remember the questions and the lesson so the little turd didn't get out of it.)

My life is crazy....

2007-11-29T06:54:00.000-08:00

I have so much going on everyday. It's amazing how things change, and so quickly. The scoop on the job front is this....

I began the year with a client at my son's school, in 1st grade. Things were set up nicely for me and for the kids. I simply dropped the kids off at school when I went to work and took them home after. Well, my client's caregiver decided she didn't like me (for no real reason, no valid on as I was told by my supervisor) so I was pulled from her and given another client with 12 less hours and in the middle school. So I was pretty well screwed with hours, and pay,(not to mention the fact that I had been effective with the client) very discouraged with the whole situation. BUT, in the middle school, I developed a relationship with the Life Skills teacher who has been an AWESOME support. As it turned out she worked in my Aunt's Emotional Support Classroom before getting her teaching certification. She basically didn't want anyone in her room with my client. She told me today, she was especially pleased that if anyone was going to be there, that it was me and has had me sub one day for her, as well as set up another day to sub in two weeks. She also(when I started) set strict hours for me to be with the client and has offered to let me compact those into three days so that I can sub two. She has given me a heads up on future teaching positions and has offered to send recommendations to other teachers for me as a sub for those two days.

This is awesome since I am so very dissatisfied with my job as a TSS. I'm annoyed at being 'fired' from a client because of a wacko caregiver, also because my schedule. I was offered an afterschool job with a client that I refused because of a personal knowledge of the family. Then offered another, even though my supervisor is aware of my schedule with the boys (I only have them during school days, D has one day afterschool and all weekends) and threatened me with losing my partial unemployment if I didn't accept the job. (Funny how I never got a call back on getting another client until after I filed for UC.)

So now, I have two clients, have to hurry up and get afterschool child care, and will probably be substituting more. I just feel like this schedule is going to be insane. However, I might actually have some money for Christmas, and if I get a toe in at the middle school....well the goal is a teaching position. Keep an eye on the goal, Minmonster....

Oh yeah, and my car started smoking this week. Last night I found out it was a head gasket (they are pretty sure). I was all set to go postal thinking that there goes any money I set aside for my sons birthday and Christmas when I was assured it was covered by my extended warranty. Whew. I'm pretty relieved that I didn't cancel it as I had been thinking about for a couple of months now.

Gotta run, my client was sick today and so....I'm out of a days pay. Oh the ups and downs....

...of my midlife crisis???

2007-11-25T19:33:00.000-08:00

Oh, ho, I have not posted in awhile. That last post was tough to re-read. All that happy shit about a new relationship. (WOW do I sound bitter!) Needless to say, it ended badly. Very badly. I was so totally roped in by the lies...lots of them.

And so, although after my marriage I promised myself that I would never, ever take an antidepressant again, I ended up taking one. I was on another brink, one of despair. It was the relationship, and the numerous other little things happening all at once that made me feel like cracking. It was not a good, clean character building hardship. I worked my ass off to get where I am at, meager as it may be, and found myself staring at it all falling apart. I would explain, but even on here it's humiliating. Now mind you, I'm not a kill myself type person in the worst of circumstances. BUT I was having trouble functioning. Couldn't control the tears. I went to see my doctor. She listened carefully while I tearly explained my predicament. She looked at me and said tenatively, "That's a lot for one person to handle on their own, I'm not sure how you did it this long". She asked me if I needed a few days on the 'third floor' and when I refused the tempting offer, she wrote me a perscription. I got over it. I found my strength that failed me for a couple of weeks. And I got mad. You see, I felt so badly for this guy that I helped him buy a car. I didn't put alot of money into it, but the title, registration and insurance was all in my name. He ran, and I didn't know where he or the car was. He refused to meet me several times to get the info switched over. So I called the local police, the state police, the local police when I found out what town he was in and they all said "sorry, its a civil matter, can't help ya." So I started calling people. I knew the town he was in and planned. I decided, enough is enough, took my sister, a sledgehammer, a knife, and the key I wasn't sure fit the car or not. Because if I couldn't drive it, I was taking out the windshield and tires before I left. I drove around for two hours before finding the car. When I did find it, I got in it and drove away. The funny part was when he called the police and reported it stolen. And that was my big revenge for being used and lied to. Not much, but it helped.

So, that nightmare is over with. There is still the ex-husband who asked to keep the kids overnight tonight. Said that they both wanted to stay, so I said it was ok. Derek called and started to cry because he was worried he couldn't because Dalton was crying because he wanted to come home. I talked to Dalton and he was better after I told him that we had two whole, special days together off from school. BUT there was an argument with Darwin and he was so freaking unreasonable that at the end of the first conversation I couldn't speak. He said "well can the kids stay or not?" after he knew he pissed me off. He was saying hello....hello...and I was choking out an Uhh, hmmm, because I didn't trust myself to say anything. "You motherfucking, cocksucking lying selfish son of a bitch" was dying to fly off the tip of my tongue and it was a lot to hold it in. He hung up on me and I took a few deep breaths before calling back. I said that I talked to Dalton and hes ok with staying, that I am not pulling the rug out from under the kids because "you are being a jerk" but just because you are disgruntled about one decision I made you didn't like, doesn't mean I have to kiss your butt for months. Get over it. I hung up. And I am determined that from here on in, I'm done. I cannot talk to the man. It will give me a stroke one of these days.

So tonight, I'm home alone listening to the rain thinking of all the things I don't want to do, thinking of nothing I want to do and feeling quite lost. But the boys are coming home tomorrow. And we will have two very special days together.

My once a month (or maybe 6 months) blog....

2007-08-31T14:02:00.000-07:00

So...school is in session. Derek and Dalton are both here in the local school. Derek is playing football which allowed him a few friendships to buffer the beginning of a brand new classroom. Dalton has 'looped' with the same teacher he had last year in Kindergarten. I have a new client in Dalton's K-1 school, so there is no stress of getting the boys to school early enough to make it to work, when I drop them off, I am at work. Things are pretty good. Not perfect, sometimes hectic, but good.

There is a new 'love interest' in the works. It's only been three weeks, but I find I am very happy....at most times. Very nervous at other times. He's been attentive to put it mildly, does and says the right things...very good with the boys. But I seem to have this internal wall up that is suspicious of things that are too good. But then, they are not...he is in the beginnings of his own custody dispute with his ex that rivals my battle in its vindictiveness. I mean, how awful would it be to raise three children, one for 8 years, and find out that two were never yours??? But this scares me too. So, I'm hanging out and just seeing where it leads. And I'm enjoying the attention, I must say.

On my own kid front, well...still trying to pay the amount for the appeal. $2800 bucks. A little scared but it's not the worst fear I have felt in the last 4 years. Still thinking about the online courses for my masters in psychology...I need to take the leap, but nervous about the time I have available for classes and studying when I seem to have so little at the moment.

I'm ok. It was nice to hear from my pal, Kai!!!! And Val, who is an every faithful blog friend...and I'm so bad at it.

I ACTUALLY have a 'free' night. I'm thinking about removing the remainders of the toenail polish I put on in May, and repainting them. I might take a bath and then go out to have a drink. I might take a nap. Oh, the possibilities.....

Ahhh...always a fool....

2007-08-04T21:41:00.000-07:00

Tonight I'm a full glass that has been tipped....and the contents come rushing out, when what I really want is a slow drip so that I can write my thoughts coherently and fluently, but really I'm spilling. I'm hitting the floor with a big splash.

I'm a person divided. I'm a bitch and a slobbering pile of mush. I'm a hard worker and tired of working. I'm confident and scared. And I don't know how to sort it all out.

If you have read (if there is a you that has read) my prior posts, there is a guy named John who has been less than a positive experience in my personal life. I left myself open again, since circumstances changed since my last post, and find myself in the same boat. Only this time, I have been left behind for a night at the bar. And usually, this shouldn't bother me too much. But I found myself jealous, angry and generally treated with an air of disrespect and lack of consideration.

I don't love this guy. I don't miss him. I don't trust him. But I have now, three times, gotten lost in the idea of him. And if I can make this make sense, I will explain if for no other reason than it is one in the morning and I need to type. I am divided. I have relied on the fact that I can make my life work with no assistance. My day to day philosophy is that I have things I want and need and I can get them. Someone said to me last Friday, "so, you work like...24 hours a day?" No it's more like 14. But the thing is, if I stay home and have no plans, I might mope or I might do something constructive. If I work, I don't have any alternative. I work. I'm busy. I'm too busy to miss anyone. If I go to the Steakhouse, I have some money in pocket and I don't have time to think about being lonely, being unhappy, worrying. I come home and sleep. I get up and work. It's simply simple.

Enter John. I have a few moments reprieve of being alone. I look forward to a touch, a warm body, whether its watching a movie or being intimate, and I like it. It fucks up my 'independent needs no one' ideal. And I want. I want him to want to hang out with me. I start thinking about what a great thing a partnership would be. So I bought him flowers because his grandmother died and its been a rough week. He stops in and I knew right away he was going to the bar. I said so. I'm pissed. I don't say too much with too much emotion because (and I had to think about this) I learned way back when in my marriage that you can't just blurt out how you feel. You hold it in and give hints...that are missed or ignored. So he left. And I felt crappy. And I think, "you know what Mindy, you stupid fucking idiot, you work and you have your beautiful children, there isn't any more that you need."

There is a twist. He met my kids briefly. He stopped over and they were still up and I had to explain. I got one hundred questions, then came the thumps from upstairs, the face peeking around the corner with some silly excuse for coming down and meeting the person that is popping in for a visit. Giggling. It took my aback a little how excited they were. I guess I learned something. If I ever date someone, who actually deserves the privelege of sharing these two rambunctious boys, it would be ok. But I'm angry. He met my kids and my practical mom feeling is that he shouldn't have.

Which brings me to another subject. Derek and Dalton both told me, two weeks ago, that they think I should have a baby. My reply, a desperate one, was that well, guys, you need a daddy to have a baby. Their response was "well we have a dad". hmmmmm. And you know, honestly, I would do it in the right situation. I really would. I LOVED having my children, and to have another would be amazing.

What I want a family, a home and something warm and comforting. What I do is throw myself into a flurry of activity that leaves no room for disappointment or opportunity. What I want makes me vulnerable. What I do makes keeps me safe.

And I'll probably just keep being busy. I just don't know how to do anything else.

Its Friday morning.

2007-08-03T04:01:00.000-07:00

I'm at my computer, drinking my coffee and trying to wake up. I can see my coneflowers peeking through my window. It's hazy, the sun is a beautiful, glowing ball of reds, oranges and yellows. It's going to be another hot day.

I made it through another week, but summer is winding down. I was reminded that I signed up for 'parent volunteer' for soccer last week and it seems I am THE parent volunteer, not sure I know what this means...but a friend said she ended up coaching practices (I'll scream, if this happens). Derek is playing football, he has his uniform and I think he would just wear it everywhere if he could. I'm hoping the 'dad' keeps up with the commitment. Its going to be tough, with football tues, 530-7, soccer and football thurs 430-7. Games sat and sun. I wonder if we'll get dinner at all on Thursdays??? Uh, and homework???

But, for today, I get the monsters after work. Jana Losey is singing at Ten West Espresso at 730, and I'm hooking up with the teacher who taught my client in school last year to go and listen. Jenny is just the most wonderful person who could make anyone laugh to tears. It's gonna be a good day.

I gotta run, have to be finished my ramblings for the moment. Have some pics to post someday when I have a free two minutes.....!

Goodbye, George...

2007-07-31T19:45:00.000-07:00

George was one of my very first customers at the Steakhouse, he was a cantankerous old man with a knack for making the waitresses either really angry or upset. George pissed me off the very first time I waited on him. He complained when the drink prices went up and still paid the old price for his Manhattan a year later. He noticed that the chicken and bisquits went up four cents and he complained. He was a member of a slowly decreasing number of the "Romeo club" that dine at the Steakhouse. I grew rather fond of George and would on a slower night have a seat at the Romeo club's table to chat. The last time we talked, I said I was happy to see them again, as it had been awhile...and George says in a rather saucy tone "Mindy, I'm THRILLED to see you!" It made me laugh.

Red, another Romeo near and dear to my heart, said to me last, that there are less and less of the 'Romeos' and that he might be the next to go...

Then Tina blurted out that George passed away. Apparently, he became very ill at the restaurant one night and the owner, Geoff had to drive him home. He had a heartattack and didn't make it through it. I guess I caught everyone off guard when I started to cry. I mean, this was GEORGE. He was supposed to break the new girls in. He was always there with his cane and a shit-eating grin. And I had this feeling that I didn't get to see him one last time, or tell him goodbye. I just felt SAD. I felt sad for Red, Bob, and for Bill...who is watching his wife fade away...

So George, Goodbye. I really will miss you. I hope you have found peace.

Back from our trip....

2007-07-30T03:14:00.000-07:00

The kids and I have had some vacation time, 10 days to be precise. We took a little mini vacation to Knoebels amusement park this last weekend. It was good. Lots of rough spots, which upon I will elaborate later. I'm supposed to be back into the work week, but the ex is making it difficult as he agreed to pick up the kids then decided not to. So I have no babysitter until my mom gets finished with work, and the boys will have to sleep in a little and I have some free time to get finished unpacking and all that. So I will extend my vacation a few more hours with the kids. I think I can deal with it.

I can smell fall in the air today.

Time...

2007-07-15T18:13:00.000-07:00

These days, I'm constantly feeling the crunch. Time. There have been so many times in my life that I needed some concrete answers instead of this reach and feel in the dark. I could use some now.

I'm very discouraged with the teaching field right now. They told me it would be difficult to land a job. Experience in this rural area I find, thus far, its impossible. How long do I wait? I'm considering going back to school. No, I have decided I am. I am grateful that things are better now, but I can't settle here. No retirement, no medical benefits, and no way up. And no house. I am going crazy living in someone else's house, paying rent every month...for rooms I can't even paint a lovely shade of purple should I desire. And a vacation...I would just once like to feel I can pay the bills (including attorney's fees) and still be able to take the kids on a real vacation.

But I have to consider when going back to school, the cost, monetary of course, but also the cost on the kids, on whatever social life I may have, on me. How much can I take on without totally cracking up? As it is, realistically, I'm very frustrated with keeping up on household stuff and work. But I'm 33. Forty is looking down on me with a welcoming smile. I would like meet it with stability on my back.

And I'm at the point where I feel like I'm making a decision that has sort of been made for me already. No relationship, no partner, no personal fulfillment (other than the rewarding job as mom)...maybe this is what I need to do. Grow. Learn. Increase my marketability.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Just me in my camo capris!

2007-07-13T19:51:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhh. Kids are in bed, sleeping peacefully after a long 'tucking in'. Sweet dreams, little angels.

Our custody exchanges have hit an all time, all out war status. As I am as unhappy with some things in our new custody order in which I got (for the most part) what I asked for, I try to keep my myself in check with the fact that I can't have it all. D (the ex) doesn't seem to have this self-regulating mechanism. All or nothing.

So during one of these exchanges, Darwin stood in the doorway and started an argument. Then it moved out to the mudroom where his hausfrau cheerleader jumped in and I said "You know what, thats it. Get out of my house, thanks for sharing, but leave." I had to repeat it again, but they left. And as they left, when I wouldn't continue the argument, D gives me the up and down look and says in his sarcastic way..."Thats a good look for you."

So (going back) D dislikes anything trendy or funky. Me, I like my individuality and enjoy the funky stuff. I pretty much have a good idea of what he does/doesn't like and although his opinions are probably ingrained in the back of my mind forever, I really don't give a shit what he thinks.

So if he doesn't like my shiny green toenails, flip flops, camo capris and black spandex shirt, it's not my problem. What I find amazing is that he would have the slightest inkling that such a comment would bother me in the least with the assumption that I care what he thinks. What I find amusing is my desire to wear those camo capris every single time we exchange custody. Maybe Sunday I'll accessorize with some skulls and crossbones....

A Day in the Life...Oh Boy.

2007-07-12T03:42:00.000-07:00

At work I reconnected with a woman I worked with years ago at a Restaurant where we both waitressed. She was the mother of one of my classmates, and we used to talk about things (back in the married days). So now, we are both TSS's and have kind of rebuilt a new friendship under new circumstances. I'm pretty lucky, I have made quite a few new friends of late.

So yesturday we were talking, and I'm back into my change mode or rather, the desire for change is just getting more intense. I'm telling her about my social life (or lack thereof), some of the hellacious hours I work, and how I feel like there is more I could be doing. I'm thinking that I have quite a bit of alone time and maybe I should start online classes, again. I'm frustrated at best with the teaching possibilities and have found a viable option for completing a masters, or even doctorate in pyschology. Glenda looked at me for a minute, and said 'You're bored, Min." Yup. That summed it up pretty well. There are too few challenges, and even though I work my ass off some weeks, at the end of it I feel like I have done nothing but twiddle my mental thumbs for 50 hours. This encompasses my work and social life. Boredom.

So also this week, I reconnected with a guy I dated who I dumped about 6 months ago. He was a little more interested in me, a little more courteous...and so I suckered in. He frustrates me. Honestly, I am not too emotional anymore, but I have to admit I was mildly hopeful. So after a few conjugal visits I invited him to dinner. I honestly didn't think he would show. But he did. I was kind of impressed since it was the first time I could nail him down from something other than...you know what or a movie. (How stupid am I to even try this again???) So I was working on dinner and began with a conversation starter like 'What's new?'. His response was a rather cryptic "Oh, something big" and made me pry it out of him. Well, he's got a baby on the way. So this is how I handle it. I get busy, choke down the tears of disappointment, then do my psychological picking. How, who, and what do you want to do about it? He said he hasn't decided if he wants to pursue a relationship with her. So, me, when the red fades, I cut to the meat of it and asked "So what the fuck are you doing here?" And then I had to specify..."no here. I'm my house." And then instead of throwing him out, I cracked open a bottle of valpollacella and listened. More valpollacella, and told him he was probably set up but dude, you totally fucked up. You don't have sex with people that CAN'T use protection, idiot. More valpollacella and thoughts like, thats it...never again. I'm going to use every free minute to get ahead in the only way I seem to have open to me. More Valpollacella and I thought fuck it, let him stay a little longer...let myself cry my wine tears and sent him packing after asking rhetorically, "What exactly was wrong with me? This girl may possibly be your nightmare, maybe you're dream, but I'm not inviting you back." Hopefully he feels pretty damned awful. I didn't sleep, woke up hangover free and with a renewed feeling that with regard to men, its best to be one bad ass, heartless, self centered bitch who doesn't need a damn thing from anyone. I never thought I would be proud of being cold.

On the flip side, I'm going to work to have the girl chat with my friends. I'm going to see some kids with the most horrific challenges have some success at camp. Kids that don't trust easily, but ask for my help and give me a smile or a giggle. This part of my heart is wide open.

Long time, no post.

2007-07-05T04:17:00.000-07:00

Oh where to begin!? Catching up...my sons will now be living with me as the primary parent. Their dad has every weekend during the school year, I have weekends in the summer. It's hard just seeing them a few days a week, plus an extended vacation time. Derek and Dalton came after their very long vacation for the weekend and Derek asked me why he only can stay two days since he is supposed to be seeing me more now??? The hard questions never stop.

Their dad has been a monster as usual. I tried to approach the new situation with a spirit of compromise, and when I need the same, I hit a brick wall. After all his testimony on how wonderful a life they lead, Derek came back from the vacation with a few horror stories on daddy's temper (like using the h word, b word and d word-something he said he NEVER did, swearing in front of the kids). Daddy called an old guy a 'son of a (person)' because he wouldn't move his car and I asked Derek if the guy moved after Daddy said that...and how did it really help to use a bad word? Gotta love the teachable moments. I also just received the 'summer work' from Daltons teacher to help him keep up for next year, a month after school is out. Mr. Mom, who swore he helps the kids with academics has not sat down with Dalton or Derek one time to help them with some supplemental work...when both struggle in school. I could pull my hair out.

The newest news...The boys dad filed an appeal. It's a bit of cloud over my head.

SUMMER! I'm working full time. It kind of sucks. My time with the boys (weekends)is short but completely belongs to them. Derek has 'opened up' and I think is starting to feel safer in confiding his feelings to me. Dalton is just happy to be with Derek all of the time. I have so much joy when I am with them. Summer plans are reduced since I have to come up with a retainer for the appeal, but we laugh and talk, hunt monster crayfish in the creek and swim at Nanny's house. Life is good.

I'm typing up my getting ready for work time. I will be back soon! Well wishes to all... (if there is anyone out there still checking for new posts!)

Mmmmmm.

2007-01-14T10:07:00.000-08:00

I had a great big pancake with strawberries in it, fresh strawberries on it and strawberry syrup (made by a maple syrup company) drizzled on top. It was deliciously sinful. Yum.

The kids cleaned up all of their toys from the three rooms of the house that they scattered them in and are now painting quietly, complimenting each other on their work. I'm off to the tub...then we are meeting a friend and her two girls for a late lunch before we hit "Night at the Museum" at the theater.

Why can't every day be THIS GOOD!?

I had to laugh...now, not then.

2007-01-13T20:33:00.000-08:00

I want to write tonight. But I also really want to go to bed. So I found an old(er) blog I wrote on myspace one weekend in October that struck me as funny now, but at the time had me really, really annoyed. Dalton the terror. My devil child with the face of an angel. Master of Mischief. How boring would my life be without him!! And yes, on my away time I blogged on myspace. Yup I was lost in the myspace craze for a bit. Anywho...

"You can clutch to the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present."

I keep thinking about the wishes I make every day. "I wish I was there...I wish I could have gone...I wish I had more time...I wish I had done this..." And maybe there is a very good reason I am where I am at an given time. Maybe I just need to make more of the minutes that are filled up than wishing for a minute that really won't exist or replace it. Maybe I'm not taking advantage of all that each day has to offer right where I'm at.

And somehow this blog arose from my extreme frustration at the ruination of my night with my scary movie. Somehow my son destroyed the DVD player, the only one we have. Looks like a great deal of my get ahead money (my divorce settlement) will be now 'maintaining the status quo' money. So I'm using these few full minutes to evaluate just how important it was to enjoy a scary grown up dvd on my 'alone grown up time' when these four kids (my two boys and two nieces) go to bed. So in honor of embracing the present, my conclusion is that it was.....

PRETTY FUCKING IMPORTANT.

God damn it anyway.

(Yikes I was mad. And NO ONE could fix the dvd player. It was expensive and only one year old. But, it made it a year with Bubba in the house. So I should count myself lucky.)

Yikes, I haven't been here since October??

2007-01-08T18:56:00.000-08:00

Well...Lots of new events to report...but I have been insanely busy up until Christmas...at which time I lost my employment until my client receives her approval for services. BAD timing...and instead of using my free time wisely I have widdled it away with anxiety and malaise. In essence, a total waste of two weeks.

In about two weeks I turn 33. I believe it's the one year anniversary of my blog (a term I use loosely since there is a group of skilled and faithful bloggers out there to which I don't belong) and I think it's time to change it up. So, sometime between now and then, I'm going to rework this thing, in a way that will represent how I intend to 're-invent' my life.

I was thinking about stuff tonight. I have to give myself this talk every once in awhile because I allow myself to get sucked into the mire and wallow there. I have been LAZY because I'm DISINTERESTED in my direction. I need CHANGE, but find I don't seek it, rather I wait for it. I'm going to be 33. And the here and now is acceptable, though not commendable...and I want to BE more. Here is so much better than last year at this time. But it's not enough.

I think that in my twenties, I made discoveries about myself. Found myself so-to-speak. My thirties will be spent refining me.

The one thing I'm acutely aware of, I'm not getting any younger.

I'm still alive!

2006-10-13T03:50:00.000-07:00

Yes I am still kicking! And I remembered I have a blog, but life has been so crazy, and to be totally honest, I have been a bit depressed and sluggish about EVERYTHING of late.

My ex and his wife have been treating me like crap. I am not sure people get much more ingnorant than they are. I refuse to go to the house any longer to pick up the kids. So we arranged a neutral meeting point which is slightly better...but it's just impossible to work with them. I can't even discuss my son's school work without being made fun of.

All the psychologicals are completed and in our hands. Court date is set for November 1st (just a few days shy of a year from the beginning of this thing). The recommendation from this doctor who evaluated us was that the boys reside with mother! I was happy for that, but the content of the evaluation was sad. Very sad.

His opinion for Derek was that he is very low academically and has social/behaviorial problems. Possibly ADHD. The psychologist found it 'astonishing' that the boys academic performance is so very low when their father so intelligent and has tutored and nurtured them (I sensed a bit of sarcasm here). Derek prefers his dad, but says he wouldn't mind living with me.
(I have been screaming about Derek's school issues since Kindergarten...!)

Dalton is resentful of his dad. He prefers Mommy. He views his dad with trepidation. Both boys referenced their dad's temper.

The ex...passive/aggressive, withdrawn, rationalizing...underachieving. Nothing I didn't know already.

Me...a bit more depressed than maybe I realize. Altruistic. Not quite as smart as the ex...IQ wise.

And thats it in a very small nutshell. Still waiting....

I'm looking forward to this weekend with my boys. We're going to do some fun Fall/Halloween stuff! And I'm getting more than a little excited for Christmas this year. Finally, one that won't be a hardship financially!! I am getting childsupport, alimony and my $20,000 settlement this week. Not to mention still working my day job and sometimes nights at the Steakhouse. 4 years later...and I'm on my feet!

More updates soon. Well wishes to you all!

This empty house...

2006-08-11T12:40:00.000-07:00

The rules...I pick the kids up after work, and find a note on the door and wait at my ex-husband's residence. He shows here to get them over an hour early. Instead of the hour of sitting with my sons, spending the last few moments of quality time I can fit in, he's sitting in the driveway, kids are ready to get to the beach and I'm left feeling cheated in a house that has gone from crazy to quite way too quickly.

I miss them.

Custody

2006-08-11T03:07:00.000-07:00

It's a very pleasant and very chilly morning. We had an unbearably hot spell, but even during the worst of it, the nights cooled enough to put a fan in the window and cool our rooms down a bit. Lately it has been cold enough to feel the onset of fall. I'm not dreading fall at all, but lamenting the end of summer a bit for the end of free days like yesturday, where the kids and I wore ourselves out with recreational activities.

This is what is happening in my world at the moment. I took the boys to their makeup appointment for the psychological evaluation. It was tough. We had to drive over 2 hours first thing in the morning to get there. They were antsy, especially after the testing started which took exactly 4 hours. At one point the psychologist, who was a very sweet and kind older gentleman, came out, looked at me and said quietly and discreetly "I hear youre a saint" while pointing to the boys. I had packed a multitude of activities to keep them busy. I smiled and thought, I'm just a mom who knows my kids. But now, the psychologist and his assistants were uncomfortable with the situation, they were asked to make a reccommendation without having seen us, the parents, since it was a different office that did mine and D's evals. So, they got an order to have us meet with them before making that call. So here I go again....The costs of this whole custody dispute are piling up. But I'll do whatever needs to be done and it will be over soon.

Derek has been plopped in the middle again. D is angry about his vacation. The custody situation for summer has been the same for almost three years now. He had a chance to ask for a revision from the judge on the 28th and did not. I would not accomodate it myself, as I had done previously. Derek, after Daddy asked him too, began to hound me about his vacation with his dad. Again, another situation where he scheduled a vacation that did not entirely include his two sons, then blames me. It involved two messages from Derek, then a horrible scene when I picked him up. Complete with some angry comments from his new wife. I wanted so much to tell her to butt out, your turn is coming...but I didn't. And so it goes. Hopefully the end of this will come on September 13.

I'm off. I have to pick up my client, take her to an appointment, pick up Derek from the sitter, take him to the doctor, take the client to her golf thing, wait for D to pick up kids, take client home and go to work at the Steakhouse. Its gonna be a rough day.

A Post, Finally...

2006-08-10T18:48:00.000-07:00

I have been oh so busy this summer. I have been working 6 days every other week at the Steakhouse and three a week for Concern. I'm sucking up as much free time as possible with the boys on my every other week I have with them and filling it with summer stuff. It's gone sooo fast. My weeks with them are going fast. They leave for their dad's tomorrow and as usual I'm feeling the blues creeping up.

I'm maintaining limited hours during the school year with Concern and taking on a third job, sort of. I'm leaving 2 days a week free for substitute teaching. I'm not sure how well it will work out, and am concerned about making enough, but if I don't get my foot in somewhere I'll be stuck in this cycle of applying with no experience for teaching positions. And although I'm officially off the schedule at the restaurant, I'm finding there are more than enough nights I can fill in. It's been a profitable option, the last weekend I worked I made 180 in one 4 hour night.

Still dragging the custody thing out. Settled our financial situation, even with a prenup and after three years, I finally got the title to the wrecked car..lol. I think that I'm probably not going to get the 1800 for the insurance settlement since it has been two years since the accident. I also got 20, 000 cash and a modest alimony for two years, in addition to the child support I receive. At least its something. There's a ton of issues with the custody thing and will not be settled for another month. That will be a post for another day.

Still having strange dreams on occasion and I believe its stress related. Mostly mother dreams, in one I'm holding a calf as if it were my child before realizing that it can walk on its own at birth. Weird. I'm so tired...and I have a really, really long day tomorrow. I miss my blogging friends! I'll post again, when I have a free 10 minutes or so....

Disturbed

2006-07-24T00:28:00.000-07:00

Its three-thirty am and I had a very bad dream. Not one of those that just bother you all day, one that I woke up scared from, feeling like I should check closets and lock windows.

I don't know where it came from. It was very odd. I was at a dinner with a bunch of people for some occasion I don't know or remember, but it was in a dungeon. Everything was very elegant except the damp, moldy, dark walls. It was a creepy place, but I wasnt bothered by it. I spilled wine in front of a dining asian girl. (I had the feeling that this was my old professors daughter...I talked with Dr. ben the other day..) I don't remember leaving this place but then the rest of the dream had to do with driving around.

I remember being in another dark room, but it wasn't damp like the other, more dusty, dark and old. I was with a friend. I was tied up, and there were two-two headed dogs that were intimidating but not vicious, rotweilers. There was some odd beast lapping up blood off from the floor. Then I remember running. Running alongside other people, freaks and the two headed dogs..running from something to my car with my friend. We get in a start to drive. In the next part of the dream I'm out of the car in the woods, with the "Mummy" standing above me, lethal but not after me, but my friend, although he doesnt' hurt her either. (The "Mummy" has been in my dreams before, he's very thin, deformed face wrapped in gauze and missing 1/2 an arm.) We get into the car, drive in fear of this man until we get into town. Throughout the whole thing, my dad is not in my dream, but in my thoughts or something, I just remember my dad being present in whatever way. We get into town and stop. We end up at someones home I did not know and there were 4 people there, a set of twins that were cute, and my friend has relations with one of them on the steps(it was a VERY weird dream). We leave, walk out the door then for some reason double back out the door...and I get this picture of everyone in the house having been killed by the 'Mummy" although in my dream, I never look in and act as though it didn't matter or I didn't know. Driving again, trapped in a large garage or junk yard trying to drive out, but the way out is blocked by a car that wasn't there before. We get out, and drive, and I don't remember my sons being present in the dream either, but I remember being fearful for them.

And thats it. But I woke up, came down to the bathroom and am spooked by every creek and rumble of a car thats outside. So I'm up 330 am, typing this really screwed up scary dream I had, of which is so weird, I'm not sure I would want anyone to interpret.

I'm going back to bed. Hopefully my haunting has left...

For Richer or Poorer

2006-07-21T17:32:00.000-07:00

I got a continuance. Had to pay 1/2 the psychologists regular fee, but I guess you do what you got to do, right? So that load of stress is relieved.

The 28th hearing is now scheduled as a conference. Apparently the Judge was quite serious in investigating the financial issues. My attorney left a message for me that they needed the name and number of the attorney I consulted for my prenuptial agreement ASAP. The judge has stated before that he would investigate the validity of our prenup. Here we go. The way I look at it...let D and the new wife sweat bullets. All I will be out of is an hour in attorney's fees. Even with nothing I'm in a better position than 3 years ago. And with or without compensation for the hell the kids and I have been through, I did the right thing.

On the other hand, it could be Christmas in July....

News

2006-07-16T20:35:00.000-07:00

Here we go....

Kids had to have psychological evaluations. I have not heard one word about it.

Thursday I get a call from my attorney's secretary asking "What happened? Why weren't you at the doctor's appt?" My reaction...HUH??? Apparently the appointed attorney for the kids made the appt. thinking D was taking them, however it was scheduled on my custody week. D paid for it, it was all set up. D did not say a word, not one word. The communication I was supposed to have gotten from my attorney was a letter left at the steakhouse, of which I am no longer officially an employee...and a mailed letter, not certified. I did not receive a letter and no one can locate a letter at the Steakhouse. The judge is pissed, will not allow a continuance, all this happened on last Thursday, so at 3 thursday I get a call that the appt. has to be done that week per the judge. Hmmm. The psychologist cannot see the kids until august. Our hearing is July 28. So I have this huge problem, OUT OF THE BLUE, and now I will have to pay 1/2 the original fee (205.00) for an appt I can't get and wasn't notified of. Can this get any fucking worse???

Angry.

2006-07-12T17:51:00.000-07:00

Ok. So D calls tonight, right? Very butt kissingly asks me if I want to pick the boys up early next Friday (I don't have off from work). WTF??? See blog entitled WTF?? I had asked him to let me pick them up early last Friday (I had the day off) of which I received a terse 'No, Derek doesn't want to go" and he plans a camping trip for that day, hence that days post on Derek's outburst. Ok, so I told D, fine, he can drive the extra 13 miles to my mom's on fridays to pick up the kids instead of me dropping them off 10 miles from his house. So now, I refuse to try to wheel and deal. It's always to his benefit, on his terms and only when he wants something. So what does he do? Tells Derek he's going to my mom's and 'Mommy won't let me pick you up early for the trip to the lake". I told Derek nothing of the issues going on. Derek starts to wail. I call D back and let him listen, and ask him how this is going to make me more cooperative, doing this to Derek again. Putting the kid in the middle. He began to argue with me about out court order which states anything over 4 hours is his if I'm working. I replied that Derek will only be there for 2 1/2. He's going to talk to his attorney, and I said fine, you showed everyone what you do to your kids with putting your son on the stand to fall to pieces and you didn't learn anything...so thanks for more ammunition. Oh and yeah, at first when Derek started to cry he had his new step daughter tell me he went for a walk and she thinks he didn't want to talk to me. But he conveniently answers the phone when I call back to say my piece. How can a 48 yr. old hide behind his kids like that. He's a coward. He's the worst kind of egotistical, chauvinistic, biggotted coward I have ever met.

Justice for Children

2006-07-08T06:43:00.000-07:00

The 'Red State Feminist' has blogged about Addyson Rosenthal, a little girl who has been taken from her mother and given to her sexually abusive father. In a nutshell, the mother was reprimanded for delivering her daughter late for father's custody visitation in a contempt petition, lost full custody of her daughter after expert witnesses and facts about the abuse were thrown out, thrown in jail for her inability to pay father's attorneys fees and hefty child support payments. Her family has exhausted their own resources, and in Red's July 6th post, relays 'Justice for Children's' plea for funds for this case. If you are interested, please visit the red state feminists site for more information on this case and links to make a donation. Although my own attorney is awaiting payment, I will be sending my own modest donation.

Do I believe this stuff? I do. I spent many, many days in court over custody disputes. I have been 'talked' out of what I believed is the best situation for my own kids and fight still to fix my negligent ex-attorney's mess. He was caught lying, including lies about his drug use, in court. I know a woman who lost a child to a drug addicted, HIV positive father (hence, disability, not explainable in court for confidentiality purposes, also a cover for drug use) and works two jobs to pay him child support. It happens. Not just to women or men, but to GOOD PARENTS who usually have LESS FINANCIAL RESOURCES to fight within the system.

"PLEASE consider how you can help us distribute our donor letters to individuals or organizations who are willing and able to help Janay and Addyson. Assuming you can help us, and in anticipation of our donor letter mail-out, please provide me with your address and the number of copies you can each personalize and forward to potential donors. Thanks for your willingness to help."

Tom Thomas H. Burton,III General Counsel

JUSTICE FOR CHILDREN

2600 Southwest Freeway,Suite 806 Houston, Texas 77098

Tel. (713) 225-4357Fax (713) 225-2818email: tburton@justiceforchildren.org

"Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world. For, indeed, that's all who ever have." - Margaret Mead

http://redstatefeminist.blogspot.com/

Am I not the blogging queen today???

2006-07-07T21:34:00.000-07:00

I caught Dalton on top of this stump at Hills Creek while we were camping, dancing and singing this...

I LIKE TO MOVE IT (King Julian)

Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

A Good Afternoon :)

2006-07-07T20:34:00.000-07:00

Our evening was so much better than our afternoon. The boys wanted to go to the creek so we did that first. We caught a ton of crayfish, huge ones! Derek has become a master crayfish catcher. And as they always do...they ask if we can 'cook' them. So we brought them home, put them in a tank for later and left for my sisters house. The kids played and I got to visit a bit. All night long, Derek was an angel and affectionate. I'm not sure if he was feeling badly for his tantrum, which I believe was more circumstantial than behavioral, or just really happy. We didn't make it to the park, the boys were having a blast having a water fight with their cousins and their neighbors. We'll save it for another day.

So, we came home and cooked the crayfish. I tried really hard to talk them out of it, I did. But I couldn't. And a promise is a promise...The boys insisted I have some too, and I did. To be honest, they are good...but I really have to overcome some bit of lingering squeemishness to eat them. It was a late, late night. Dalton brought a fish magazine up to read before bed, so at 11:30 they were ready to pass out.

There is another dilemma I have with Derek. He was just 5 when I left his dad, but he remembers quite a lot. Tonight he said "I love you Mommy, I wish you hadn't moved." I played dumb and said "from where?" "Daddy's house". This discussion happens maybe every six months, and I never really know how to answer. I would be interested in what his father tells him, but since the focus is on the fact that I left, I can take a guess. I have only told him that some people just don't get along, are not happy and fight, so it's better to be apart. But I think sometimes, though he hasn't asked specifically, he wants to know why. I wish I could make him understand the it was the right thing to do. I've thought before that when he's grown I'll explain it to him, but I probably won't. I think that he will have his own taste of it one day. Sometimes the only answer I can give is a lot of love.

WTF

2006-07-07T13:05:00.000-07:00

Today was bad, bad, bad when I went to pick up the kids. D did it again, my son was so upset and for once, I had to say what was on my mind. I'm at my wits end and I can't change Derek's dad and can't explain the problem when his eyes focus inward to no other needs or desires but his own. He planned a camping trip, left yesturday, and I picked Derek and Dalton up at the campground. Long story short, Derek was having fun and didn't want to leave, so he threw a tantrum. Not just a tantrum and uncontrollable screaming fit. He ran away from me. When I FINALLY got him into the car (it took 1/2 an hour), he screamed he hated me, hates my house, doesn't want to be with me. I tried to console him, be firm with him, but the simple fact of the matter is, he just doesn't understand. And on my part, I have tried to be very in tune to the kids wants and needs and so have given in when he has wanted to stay. Not once has his dad returned that favor when the situation was reversed. But as I was driving away, I got angry. D works at home, his schedule is 'extremely flexible' , his words. I never plan things that the boys have to leave in the middle of. So I turned around and confronted D. I told him that I am going to ask the question that he needs to answer for Derek since Derek can't formulate it on his own as a child. I asked him why he can't plan a camping trip that he starts and finishes during his custody week? Why is it every time I pick them up, he has to make his son feel like he's missing something? Why does he constantly tell Derek about the things he misses when he is with me? I demanded an explanation. And his response was that he explained it to Derek. So then why is the child screaming and crying?? Derek's reaction was anything but acceptance and understanding. D doesn't get it. He can't see beyond his own mentality. This happens over and over and over. And I guess this is the conclusion I have to reconcile to myself. I can't change it and it isn't going to change. It will probably never change. And all I can do is deal with it the best way possible, though I'm not sure how that is exactly. Friends and well-meaning acquaintances have told me that I still live in the past, that I dwell on the things I can't change. I guess this is true. After three years, I should come to the realization that I'll never make a blind man see.

The good thing is, we came home, Derek was playing in the sandbox and said "I love you, Mommy". So, I guess the point to my post is this. Maybe I'm fighting a battle that I have won, in some small way.

So We had to come back to the house because Derek asked me to remove a sliver (surprised me since usually he won't let me touch them) and clean up teary faces, mine included. I had to regroup, and the kids are eating freeze pops. We're off to the park with tennis rackets and swimsuits. I'm going to do boy stuff all night.

P.S. I got pictures. I posted two of my favorites! This is Derek playing t-ball. The kid has a very unique playing style, to say the least.

The 4th of July

2006-07-04T11:36:00.000-07:00

Updates: My initial gut instinct about my sister's boyfriends friend was the correct one...and isn't that how it usually turns out? My sister had shared with me yesturday a comment he had made when staying at her house and if she had told me earlier, I would have not wasted a second thought about him. She didn't say anything because it was hurtful, in general, to her and to me and probably to any woman. I told her that you can't ignore those kinds of things because it says something about him. I don't blame my sister because I think it's one of the few times she was genuinely trying to be helpful and kind, but I re-learned something. Don't ignore what you know and what you feel. If you have rationalize and justify the 'rightness' of another person in your life, it's probably not a good thing.

I'm tired today. Feeling better but not well yet. I have lots to do but haven't 'dug in' as I intended to. I had a long conversation with an old friend and it was nice. I'm thinking that maybe I'll just put on some music, dance through my chores and then get through the other stuff. No plans for the 4th as yet. I'm thinking that it might be nice to not have plans today. I'm utilizing the leisure of not making a decision.

Yesturday I went on a road trip with my sister and her boyfriend to drop off his son Jarrod near Pittsburg. It was ok. On the way home, we passed three places setting off fireworks and several homes where people were gathered around watching 'personal fireworks'. And as lame as it might sound, it was cool to ride and watch the streaks of lit fireflies as we passed by. I was awed by them as a kid and at 32 still enjoy natures lightshow. I'm off to do something...whatever it might be. Happy 4th of July everyone.

Misery

2006-06-29T19:52:00.000-07:00

My face hurts. I have a killer sinus infection and I feel like the left side of my face is going to explode off from my head at any minute. I worked hard to make the last day with the kids before they are off to their dad's for the week fun and special. But boy, have I been (feeling) miserable all friggin day. And at the moment, I can't sleep.

I'm soothing myself with "Failure to Launch". I hope it's good. But surely Matthew McConaughey's butt could make a girl forget about an exploding face. The shirtless, muscley clip nearly worked already!!!

But god. The kids leave tomorrow. Where did the week go? It's gonna be lonely here....

More stuff.

2006-06-28T04:23:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to be getting ready for work and getting kids ready to spend the day with their dad instead of the babysitter. I gave in. The babysitter sits and thats all. I'm getting tired of seeing the boys spending their summer quite bored out of their minds and I at least if they go to their dad's I know that they will have something to do with or without their father. They will PLAY. Kids need to play. Especially OUTSIDE!

More on the sister's boyfriend's friend issue. I caved mildly, he was quite persistent throughout the weekend. On Sunday, he tried to be 'huggy' which made me highly uncomfortable, especially with the kids around. My mom made the comment when asking if I liked him, that if a guy comes on too strong, I don't want anything to do with him. You got it mom. If I don't have time to decide I like you, then I'm not gonna like you.

Number one: They all went out together, sister, mom, dad, bf, bf friend. I didn't go because I had the boys. They called, bf friend says he is going to stick to me like glue on Sunday before they leave. I was at my mom's at one. Bf friend left with dad to look for Indian artifacts...didn't show til six. I'm not mad, just building my case.

Number two: BF friend says he will call. Insists he did, but no message or ID on phone. Still not mad, but strike two.

And so the rest of the story. He is not really working at the moment. Says he wants to move up here to this area. So I did call him and talked to him. Gave him the experience of an ex who had no job and tried to move himself in with me. A round about hint that I don't take strays. Listed all the reasons why it is a bad idea in the form of questions/discussion but I don't think he got the point. Next on the list, explain that he can't move here for me. If he wants to, fine, but he's got to find a place to live, a job and all that all by himself. Cuz I still don't think I like him in 'that way'. On the other hand, a boyfriend would be nice. But I've long since learned to control that urge with practicality.

On another note: My job. I'm working 25 hours a week, but totally beat on my days off. My average mileage for one day with my client is 150 miles. 450 miles a week. For my expenses, I'm getting about double of what I spend, which is ok, but it's going to reap havoc on my barely kept together piece of junk. I'm getting home at around 6:00 pm, with barely enough ambition to make dinner. But then I don't want to divide the hours up into 5 days, because I lose two more hours a week travel time, and would put extra miles on the car going back and forth. Everyone I have talked to says that you burn out quickly as a TSS. I'm feelin' it. I have a week off next week. My pocket will be empty but I'm thinking it will be a much needed break.

I could write and write and write, but I'm going to make myself late.

Val, you'll have to send me some of those stories!!!

Just for fun.

2006-06-26T20:04:00.000-07:00

You're a Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romanceYou love to kiss under the stars or by the seaThe perfect kiss involves the perfect moodIt's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Thinking out loud silently

2006-06-23T21:42:00.000-07:00

Driving time is my thinking time. I can drive hours and hours and eat it up with thoughts. Nights like tonight, my thoughts included some self evaluation.

I have been unwittingly 'set-up'. Yesturday I went to my moms for a care free day with the kids hanging out with her at the pool. Then my sister called. She's bringing her new boyfriend and her boyfriends friend. Great. Now I have to hide myself in a shirt and comb my hair. Ducky.

So here we are the fifth and sixth wheel. I hate it. HATE IT! Granted he seems to be a nice enough guy, good looking...and of course, I do as I do, be polite and converse..yada yada...then the mild flirtations, yada yada...(not on my part)...and so tonight I talked to him a bit and it was ok, but still I know I probably won't give him the time of day.

And so I ask myself, why not?? In the old days, I probably would have toyed with the idea of dating him. Now, I have made sort of a snap judgement. My sister has accused me in the past of being snooty. I'm not snooty, I just get a vibe. It either works or doesn't work. And in the brief conversation I had with this guy I am pretty sure it wouldn't. And so, I find myself asking what it is that I'm looking for. What do I think I'm supposed to find??

The best way I can explain it, to myself or anyone else, is that I'm looking for direction. Someone with a good idea of what to expect from life...not someone waiting for life to happen. Maybe that's maturity...wanting to know what to expect from someone else.

I'm still not explaining it well. But while I was doing all this thinking in the car, this thought struck me...

I want a lighthouse...not the brightest star in the sky, or the sparkle of diamond. Just the muted light of a lighthouse with solid foundation, strength to weather the worst of storms, and a light that draws me home.

Is that corny or what??? And so this is the beginning and end of my love life. Thoughts gathered, analyzed and put away to collect mental dust.

Time to get some sleep, two boys will be ready to run in the morning. Sweet dreams everyone.

New do, new me....

2006-06-13T19:46:00.000-07:00

CH, CH, CHECK IT OUT! I did it. I got my hair, well, trimmed, but highlighted. I think it is cool as hell, probably because it has been 14 years since I have done anything color-wise to my hair. 4 hours in the chair and I'm refreshed and feeling like a new woman. Roxy even put my hair up in an up-do for work. She did a much better job than I would have. I felt like I should have been going to the prom instead of heading to the restaurant. Ahh well, it's a woman's thing. (And I don't know why my pic is blurry and blue.)

Anyhow, it was money well spent. And there was

a lot of it spent this week after $250.00 of repairs for my car inspection. But that feels good as well since it's all taken care of for awhile (crossing fingers). The day before taking it to the garage I had to stop to get a bungy cord to tie up my muffler to keep it from dragging it around all day. I tried ripping it off but it was clamped...

So this is my big news of the week. I have to run as I'm supposed to be at a training session tomorrow so I'm gonna need some sleep. And of course I will want to play with my hair before I leave so thats an extra hour in the morning....

Take care everyone! BBL!

I'm totally feeling like Monday

2006-06-12T07:35:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here. That's about it. I have a list of things to do a mile long and yet, here I sit. No interesting emails to read and respond to, no one to chat with... I'm looking for any mindless waste of time I can find as that is all I feel capable of at the moment.

My car is in the shop eating money. I hate the feeling of being carless. It's like I have lost my legs. I may not have anywhere to go, but I know I can't if I wanted to. I hate it.

The weekend was good. I made quite a bit of money at the Steakhouse and my kids had a nice time with my mom and dad for two evenings. Sunday we went to my employer's lake house for an employee picnic and that was awesome. Well, right up until the kids had to return the baby turtle and crayfish to the lake which brought on a couple of unusually explosive set of tantrums just as we were leaving and in front of all of my co-workers and employers. Embarrassing, to say the least. But, the boys were tired, and we are all sick with summer colds, so I attribute some of the behavior to a general feeling of unwellness. I am feeling particularly crappy today. I'm thinking that I'm in the sinus infection stage because I have been dizzy all morning. Which leads me to my lack of ambition this very moment. NO MORE NYQUIL FOR ME! That stuff knocked me out, but made me feel horrible the next morning. I took a 1/2 dose yesturday and felt like I was going to be sick. I even had to take a bucket to bed with me just in case.

Tomorrow is 'hair' day. I havent' had it cut in a year. Getting highlights. My friend Tina has been telling me for two weeks she can't wait to see it. Last Thursday she asked me if she could come with me. She said that I will probably be there for 3 or 4 hours so she would keep me company. I love that girl! I had been contemplating cancelling because it's going to cost quite a bit, but it's time I did something for myself. So...here goes. I need a change.

I'm going to quit blabbing and start knocking things off my list. I'll kick myself for the rest of the week for wasting an entire day...It's a good thing no one is around because I would happily sit here feeling shitty doing nothing. Maybe if I get it all done, I will treat myself to that movie Tina and I have been talking about seeing. Over and out.

Small stuff

2006-06-10T21:15:00.000-07:00

Such a busy weekend it's been. I'm sick of working and looking forward to a free day tomorrow.

I went out on a limb tonight, and not sure how well it was received. I asked to a coworker to stop over and share a couple of beer's. A male co-worker. To be honest, it was pretty much a platonic invitation; however, it was refused for very good reasons, but leaves me feeling like a bit of an ass. I guess this is why I don't take these chances.

On the other hand, the kids and I are quite ill with colds and so I guess it's for the best. I just took some Nyquil and have a good buzz going on. This is some good shit! LOL. So thats why they won't let you buy a bunch of it at once.

I had gone to the store to get something for relief of the congestion the boys and I are having. I rarely, if ever, take anything. But I was interested in sleeping tonight and so bought some Nyquil. I also got the kids some children's cold and flu meds. Do you know that they will not let you buy TWO cold medicines at once? What the hell is with that anyway?

Oh my, this is going to knock me out. Vision is beginning to blur and if I were speaking, I would probably slur. This is why I usually don't take this stuff, it totally hits me hard. I wonder if you get a hangover from nyquil? Ugh. I'm passing out before I further embarrass myself. Sweet dreams all....

Sperm donor

2006-06-08T19:33:00.000-07:00

My father called. As usual, he called to be nosy. I, in a weak moment, told him I was thinking of buying a car, namely a used jeep grand cherokee. Immediately, it started. The rant...don't even look at that car, the mileage is too high, the price is too high, blah, blah, blah. Not friendly advice, but an insistent order to not look at the car. Then I told him my step-dad was going with me to look at it. Oh god, then I heard how he knows nothing, look at what he drives, on and on and on. That got my goat. Usually I use placate the situation with an ok and change of subject...but today, I nailed him. This time, he hung up on me.

I told him to just come out and say I'm a loser, because every time I talk to him about a personal decision or situation he goes on a tangent about how wrong I am. He said no you aren't...more blabbing and then back to the "do not even look at this car". In a nutshell, I told him that he is really good at giving orders, but also really good at not being around. He has never been around. "You tell me what to do, but when it comes to the nuts and bolts you aren't available and you never have been. Pop (my step-dad) has always been there. You don't offer advice, you dictate." His response, "Fine, do what you want, just don't call me when you are in bind." I said "I don't! I havent' called you in several months! I go to the ones who have been here (my mom and step dad), who care enough to be involved!" If he thinks I'm worried about $83,000 dollars in his "I'm so worried about my children after they are all grown" will money, he's got another thing coming. I'm not letting him dwell in this wonderful father fantasy, when he's not matched my step dad on his worst day parenting in his entire life. Let's ask the son he gave up for adoption who later had a miserable, abusive childhood or the daughter he hasn't seen since she was 5 (now in her thirties). Even me, the quiet mediator, has her fill after awhile.

The latest here...D and the new wifey are shacked up, and in the in love stage of the fifth divorce. He was a very unhappy camper, argued with me about returning a borrowed shirt Derek wore for his concert since he sent him in a dirty one. He was extremely grumpy, I almost feel badly for the flavor of the month. Dalton cries frequently now when I drop him off...giving me many good bye hugs, standing at the door watching me leave, crying. My heart breaks even more lately, I hear D discipling Dalton for his crying over my leaving, warning him that he'll go to bed early, go to the chair. What a miserable way to deal with your child's sadness.

Enough bitching. I'm whipped. I'm sad for my kids. I'm wondering how my life will turn out. But I do feel pretty good about telling my sperm donor what I felt. Such is life.

I'm out of it these days

2006-06-08T08:43:00.000-07:00

I have not been a very good blogger of late...my apologies!! I'm so out of touch with everything these days. The last free weekend I had I whooped it up with my friends for some fun time, but everything in between is simply CRAZY!! I can barely keep up with myself.

Next week I have a break, if you could call it that. I don't work as a TSS, since my client is not approved for hours for the next ten days. However, several of those days are full of all the appointments, chores and training I have been putting off for weeks, and continue filling up by the minute. Not to mention my neglected home front.

Today, I'm exhausted. I have been RUNNING up until this very moment where I have two 'free' hours before I'm up and running again. Monday started with an 11 hour day. 9 of those with my day job, 2 unplanned at the Steakhouse since I went in for dinner and ended up bartending while my boss went to play basketball. But hey, when he offered the dinner of my choice for free (Prime rib...yum!...with leftovers for lunch) and twenty bucks who could resist?? I work at the restaurant Friday and Saturday, and several days next week.

I'm going to veg. I have lots of pictures to share, and someday I just may do that! Lots of love to all. Bear with me!! (Or do I mean 'Beer with me!'?)

Memorial Weekend Notes

2006-05-31T17:37:00.000-07:00

Our planned camping trip was off to a rocky start Friday afternoon. D had a kind moment...or should I say, convenient moment and dropped the kids off after lunch. I was still packing, and packing and packing...rainy day activities, fishing stuff, hiking stuff, swimming stuff, tunes, books, blankets, coolers full of food stuffs, charcoal...and so on. I had the trunk and every inch of free space in the car packed full! All to drive 20 minutes away to the local campground at Hills Creek Lake. But I was pretending to be far away...and who knew that it would work.

Before leaving, tragedy struck. Derek was playing with his lizards and burned his two fingers on the heat lamp. OOOHHHH the wailing. I mean wailing! That delayed us a good 25 minutes, soaking fingers, watching tv to distract him from his unbearable agony, doctoring...finally (and I know it really hurts, but if anyone had heard him they would have been sure he lopped off his fingers, not just blistered the tips) we were off. But then I realized I needed a fishing license because on this trip, I WAS NOT FORGOING FISHING! Then I realized maybe I might need a beer to go with my book and campfire, so stopped and picked up some Lager, and we needed bait...aye ya aye...

We got there at 3:30. Derek was tickled with the small cabin, saying "This is great, Mommy!" It was great. We had everything we needed but water. Hmmm. So we unpacked...forever it seemed, then scared up some wood and more ice for the coolers. When we got settled in, we walked over the bank to the lake. It was raining, of course. But it was awesome. The kids had a blast walking in the swampy edge looking for tadpoles and frogs. I just enjoyed how beautiful and peaceful it was. We walked for awhile then went back to cook dinner. I didn't bring my grill and so had to build a fire to cook my still frozen chicken. It took awhile, but we had that, corn and baked beans I had made earlier, and ate inside the cabin at the table. We headed back to the lake, with another little boy camping nearby about Derek's age, for a last frog hunt before turning in. We found a beaver swimming about in the lake and followed him for quite awhile thinking he would come ashore. He didn't, but it was awesome to watch. By that time, the rain was lighter and a fog had settled. It was so peaceful....and nice.

The kids were filthy, it was at least nine o'clock (I purposely didn't bring a clock) so we went to the showers. That was cool, the kids loved getting in there with no splash, hot water or time restrictions, so I could enjoy myself without worrying about them tearing up the bathrooms too much. We headed back to the cabin, read some books and went to sleep in a really decent bed. Yes it was NICE.

The next morning, I got up early, built a fire and made eggs, bacon and toast. YUM. I even made coffee...on a campfire. I read my book while Derek slept and Dalton played. It was NICE!
After breakfast we went fishing and traveling along the hiking path around the lake. Dalton caught the first fish, a blue gill, and then I caught several more. Derek found some dragonflies and more frogs. We headed back to camp for lunch then went to the beach area to swim. I read some of my book while the kids created sand structures, then I helped them a little. We had ice cream cones and played at the playground. And it was sooooo....you know, nice.

We had dinner, hamburgers cooked on an open flame, it is my favorite now, kids played with the other boys in the area...(and got totally taken advantage of in hide and seek as he was the youngest), roasted marshmellows, told stories, Dalton sang his continents and oceans songs into the quiet night and we all fell fast asleep after a book in our cabin. I never even took the opportunity to have one of those beers. It was the greatest weekend.

Sunday, we went to visit my grandmother and uncle, and a new friend visiting from australia. We had a picnic, loaded kids and aunts and uncles and cousins into the backs of two trucks for a ride on Graham hill..property that has been in our family for years and years. It truly is wilderness with roads that barely resemble roads and lots of wildlife. We stopped at three old family hunting camps where we saw pictures of people long gone with their deer and doing the man thing at the cabin. We had a bonfire, marshmellows and told more stories, mostly of my grandfather who I never knew but is so alive in others. My grandmother ended the weekend with one comment. "I have always said, if you do anything in your life, make memories because when you get old that's all you have." She is so right. And I did make many wonderful memories with my family these four days.

*Post camping notes. Lighter on the CD's. More kids clothes. MORE JUGS OF WATER! Better fishing gear (I had to use my keys to try to disgorge a hook, well, it worked). Less indoor activities and more buckets for critters. Dont' forget tooth paste and bring a hatchet.

Home

2006-05-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

I'm exhausted beyond belief. The kids and I had a wonderful time though. I will tell all...Tomorrow!!!! Time for me to sleep soundly for a long day of catching up here tomorrow.

Good day, Good weekend coming!

2006-05-25T20:14:00.000-07:00

I had a great day. I mowed my above knee high dandelions and I had to go over every row twice. It was exhausting. By the time I got to the end of the trimming (God there is ALOT of it with all the banks) my left arm could not even hold the stupid trimmer up. I was a little shaky tonight at the restaurant. I also claimed one of the last two cabins at Hills Creek. I had to pay for a night I won't use, but in all it was only 93.00 for three nights which I think is not at all bad. I packed a bunch of stuff today and will get the rest done tomorrow morning.

Fishing, hiking, bike riding, grilling....YES, YES and YES!!! I'm so excited. I need to escape this world for a bit. Even though it is only 25 minutes from my home to the lake, I'm taking the mind set that I'm a zillion miles away and none of the stuff here matters. And for once, I am determined that Derek, Dalton and I will catch the monster fish we have yet to catch. I wish I had a boat. Even if it was a little canoe. I'll post pics later.

Good night at the restaurant. Did I say I love that job?? People there make me feel so much better. I treated myself to some Chipotle-Lime encrusted Tilapia and rice for dinner...and had a yummy brandy alexander after. Not to mention some girl gossip....I also made a decent 100.00. bucks (including my 2.83 an hour for the night).

I feel really good tonight. I may take some of my neices and nephews camping with us if I can. Since I'm not speaking to Becky, my mom is working on it. It's the same old song...I will not completely shut things off, because I believe in family, but I refuse to get close or socialize. I learned my lesson for the last time. She'll leave me alone now...she's claiming that this latest is the love of her life, one shes known for three? days. Good. As long as she's busy. Chances are she'll want to get rid of the kids...so I'll take them. The more the merrier!!!

I'm off. I'm a little sore from todays workout on the lawn, and the hectic 4 hour ass busting at the restaurant. I'm going to watch some tv before I hit the hay. Love to all you guys. Promise to catch up on blogs and emails after my VACATION!!!!!!!!!!

Not so great news.

2006-05-23T17:11:00.000-07:00

Took the kids to see their appointed attorney today. I was very glad I chose to take them myself, in spite of the waste of an entire afternoon with the boys.

The news is not so great. She was very kind, and when I asked her about the situation her interpretation was that the judge was reluctant to change Derek's school and take him from the 'birth home'. I'm so sick of that term, D drops that incessantly. What about me? It was my womb that carried them, my breasts that fed them... Because I signed a prenup precluding me from keeping HIS home, then I can't be a good mother to my children. But he can commit adultry, be emotionally abusive and keep me from doing all I had ever wanted to do, which was be a mom.

It was also stated that it appears that the if the judge could order me to move within 10 miles of the children's fathers home, then he would. Ok so, I give up everything. EVERYTHING. I leave my parents, my friends, the home I have created here...This is all thats left.

IN THE END (LINKIN PARK) (Anime Music Videos)

Video Code provided by VideoCodeZone.Com

I'm struggling with a very real feeling of hopelessness. The easiest route is to keep kissing an an assholes ass. I drove home, crying, turned up the radio to hear linkin parks "In the end". I'm yelling at the top of my lungs with this song..."In the end, it doesn't fucking matter." Because it's all I could do.

Nothing to Hide

2006-05-22T12:23:00.000-07:00

My psychologist asked me when doing psychological exams for our custody dispute what the most important thing is to impart to your children. My answer was honesty. Being honest with yourself, about yourself and with others. There are those few that live their lives putting others down in order to validate their own existences. They can't hold their heads high unless there is someone who doesn't measure up comparatively from their perspective. If they feel inferior, they peer, manipulate, investigate until they find some shred of evidence of a persons fallibility then embellish and advertise it. "I'm so much better than you because..." (I'm sure you can fill in the blank).

Who doesn't have a few skeletons tucked away in some dark closet somewhere? Who can claim infallibility? Who can say that they walk the higher ground when you cannot walk in anothers shoes? My unasked for opinion is this. If you spend your time judging others, then the issues of your own life are being neglected and unaddressed. If you spend your time trying to justify your mistakes, then you are not learning from them. If you find yourself rejecting people as inferior, then you have missed the reason that they have been put in front of you. As I have been called before, yes, I'm a multiculturalist dipshit. I believe that in any walk of life, in any culture, no person is without a gift, be it good advice, a lesson, a viewpoint...or just a moment of laughter you may not have had time for otherwise.

You are wasting your time in finding inferiority with me. Chances are, I already feel inferior. I have been around a few blocks in a ferrari, on welfare, married, single, with my rent, and begging from the salvation army. None of these experiences would I give up because I learned some very valuable things from all of those situations. I found that I am very lucky, because there is always someone struggling harder. I learned about hard work. I learned about carrying on when I felt like I was dead inside.

If you are better than me, then I don't have time for you. I'm too busy trying to live my life. If you have nothing constructive to add...I don't need you. If your only goal is to wipe your feet on my face...I won't acknowledge you. If you can be honest with yourself, about yourself and to me...I will embrace you. I have nothing to hide and refuse to spend a minute more on justifying my humanity. I am who I am at face value. Take it or leave it. I'm sorry for spending so many years trying to love one who can't love me back. I never thought it was a waste of time until today.

Mindy

A Day in The Life

2006-05-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday night and I find myself weepy and emotional. I had a good weekend, for the most part. I made some extra cash at the Steakhouse, had a great night there Saturday night, time with friends, won the pool Tina started for the number of people we would have that night, and shared a moment with 3 awesome friends when we all saw a shooting star. Oh yeah, I totally made a wish on it. We'll see what happens. I had a blast with the girls, shared some intimate secrets and laughed my ass off. Now why can't that happen every day??

I went to Walmart when I finally got out of bed. I slept 1/2 the day away, and it felt awesome. But I slept half the day away and so made the crunch of things on the homefront a little more hectic. So anyway, I went to walmart and picked up some healthier things to eat during the very busy week. I have been so run down lately that I figured maybe some vitamins and some lifestyle changes would help my ability to keep it all together without feeling so utterly exhausted. I decided to pick out Father's Day cards. I was standing there reading these sentimental cards and found myself teary. I found a beautiful card for my step dad. He's been a pillar during some totally fucked up times in my life. I then found one for my sperm donor. That was harder, since 'happiness' 'you've been there' 'your great qualities' and so forth just didn't apply.

Then I went home. Found myself weepy listening to songs on the radio. I talked to Derek on the phone...and his dad. That was pretty much the last straw of the day, since he informed me that Memorial Day was not my holiday, even though the practice is every other but follows his schedule with his other son. So now I have to either call his other ex wife to get the scoop, or call my attorney...or who knows what I can do about it. So when I finished talking to Derek I had to choke back the tears because in any situation of stress...thats my typical reaction. But Derek was so sweet tonight. He found some information about his anoles he has here and read it to me. I'm so proud of that child. I'm so proud of both of them.

It could be PMS...that horrible affliction of the female population. It could be the continual ungodly stress of all thats happening (or not happening) here. It could be that in everything I attempt, there is the ongoing fight with insecurities I still can't completely pluck out. I hate Sunday nights. Sunday nights are lonely nights. And in some ways, I can't wait to run my ass off all week.

Good God.

2006-05-18T21:07:00.000-07:00

Two things that frustrate me...You can't pick your family nor can you select your neighbors. Family just screws you royally at any given chance, but in the honor of family relations you ignore, overlook, deal with stuff you just wouldn't take from anyone else. Avoidance. 25 years of hell with a whacked sister who should be on meds and thats the only solution I can come up with.

Neighbor. The last resort will be to call the cops. After the last altercation in which he called me several not very nice names, I have gone to great lengths to avoid and be polite for the sake of peace. Tonight he walks into our shared walkway...the one he wanted to ban me from God knows why, drunk off his ass, accusing me of playing a 'game' because I accidently forgot to close the shed door after putting the mower away...BECAUSE I TAKE CARE OF EVERY SINGLE BIT OF MAINTAINCE IN THE YARD, DRIVEWAY, WALKWAY (yes he has not once picked up a snow shovel or changed a lightbulb) and I didn't realize it but it swung maybe three inches into an at least 25 foot wide driveway that has one other vehicle parked there. No freaking wonder I leave here at 630 am and don't come home until after work or kids until 830 at night. I'm so freaking overjoyed that tomorrow will be a 15 hour work day and I won't have to be here AT MY OWN HOME to enjoy this crap. How is it I have maintained good relations with every other efficiency tenant but this one?

I'm disappearing for the weekend. And I'm going to find a house in the great wilderness that exists here and become a hermit. Cause being nice just isn't good enough.

Sorry blogger friends. I needed to vent. And I'm getting no sleep this week so you won't WANT to hear from me for another two days. Val...please leave me a funny message. I need one.

Monday

2006-05-15T14:07:00.000-07:00

While yesturday's sadness has subsided, I'm faced with my one and only free evening at home in an empty house that holds little comfort. Sometimes, my greatest hold on sanity is that occassional funny email or brief IM conversation that makes the night a little less solitary.

I'm procastinating a little longer, to catch up on blogs and myspace, emails and messages. I'm then off to complete the progress notes I'm behind on, finish up the requirements for extra training (paid for), and put together some more portfolios for my job search. I'm now a TSS in another school and I love this classroom my client is in. More than ever, I long to find a teaching job. I never dreamed that I would long for a job this badly...not for the income or security (although it's a draw) but simply for job satisfaction.

Something unfunnily funny...(life is so ironic). Last week, my friend Tina got her hair done. It looked so awesome, I decided that I would do something similar, although it would probably cost me about $100.00 because of the length of my hair. Two days after that decision (by now it should be an omen...to decide to do something for myself) my alternator went in my car. Today, my rearview mirror came off in my hand. It's a sign. After I pay for everything that will need to be repaired for my inspection, I will not have enough to get a new do. The flip side...I will not spend the money I will need for the car on myself. Or maybe I'll just do it anyway and duck tape my muffler. Hey, I should've left my old refridgerator in the yard as well....

Little things...it's lilac season, one of my favorite flowers. I picked a bunch and put a vase full of them in the kitchen. If nothing else, I have been blessed with the God-given pleasure of the fragrance of lilacs.

Sad.

2006-05-14T21:14:00.000-07:00

I find myself not able to fight the tears tonight. Somehow, I feel like I missed this whole weekend. I almost can't believe it's Sunday night. This weekend is gone.

Next weekend is D's weekend. It means it will be a good long stretch before I will be bringing the kids home again. They haven't even left, and I'm missing them so much already. Even with all my bitching, I've been able to feel pretty upbeat. But tonight, all my mistakes haunt me. I let myself get hopeful, which I tried not to do. Because now the shred of doubt is in my face with a long possible fall.

D's marriage is joke. In reality, it brings me to face my own utterly disappointing happy ending. The most painful thing, that some other woman just may be spending the time with my sons that I was meant to have. They are my babies. I would die for them. In so many ways, I already have.

I take the heartaches and pack them away to walk through another day, another week. But sometimes, the suitcase bursts and all the sadness flies out. It's the way it feels tonight.

It's Friday

2006-05-12T07:12:00.000-07:00

But the term 'Friday' in this case is not synonomous with 'slow down'. It merely means run, but in a different direction. There are two T-ball games, one tonight and one on Saturday morning. Since we live so far away, we have to rush home tonight, jump in bed and be up and out early for Saturday's game. There's half my weekend gone.

D has been pushing for me to give him tonight with the kids. He is having friends over, as well as the woman of the month and her daughter. Why doesn't he plan this stuff on HIS weekend? I said no, and threatened that he had better not pull a stunt like the last time, where he manipulates the kids into ungodly tantrums for his cause. Derek already knows his weekend plans and started whining. He called and offered me a 'deal'. A switch for Thursday night and all day Friday for Memorial Day weekend. Sounds nice, huh? Except I have to work all day that Friday. I am pretty sure this all has something to do with him 'getting rid' of the kids that extra day for some personal, hang out with sugar momma plans. I thought about counter-offering with another weekend, but, I'm not doing it. He showed me that he cannot reasonably extend himself for a favor in my direction the week before last, and so, no. It's Mother's Day weekend, and I'm keeping it all to myself. I'm definitely not going out of my way to ensure a Mother's Day celebration with the STEPMOTHER.

Things on the employment front are not ideal at the moment. Being a TSS is frustrating, and this week I have found out just how so. My clients life was turned upside down again, and has been replanted. That, in combination with her getting strep, has eliminated 2 1/2 days of my work week. Another short paycheck, in spite of my constant reconciling of schedules to fit the hours in. AND a sleepless night on Wednesday not knowing where this child went, how she was feeling, or how to contact her. I dont' think that I will ever understand this child's knowledge of 'lost'. It's probably something I should be so thankful for.

MONEY!! Short week last pay period, now another. Pay day will be less than gratifying today. D is now playing child support games since he is doomed to paying it for a very long time, per the Judge's last order. There are ways of manipulating the payments, and he is very in tune with how to do so. Thank God I kept my night at the Steakhouse last night. I made 110 dollars, gas money and electric bill payment. Whew.

There is a caseworkers postion open with the company I work in. I'm applying, it's full-time with benefits and all that. I have application portfolios out for teaching positions. I hope to hear something soon. Time is fleeting. And another court date in July.

I'm off. I have not received a call back from my clients caregiver so I have an unwanted day off. I guess I'll do some more summer cleaning before getting the kids.

Have a great weekend all!!!

To Gary at G-Man Ink.......Have one heck of a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!

Time stood still...

2006-05-09T22:48:00.000-07:00

It's been a strange day. After watching "Shop Girl" and with the news of my ex getting married, I have beent thinking, why don't I have a relationship?? I know I have some very good qualities and would be a great partner for the right person. How is it that D can marry five times, and I seem to be stuck with once? Tina told me it's ok to be picky. I guess that's it.

To top it off, I stopped to see my attorney and out of the blue he asked me if I was seeing anyone? Why not? I just looked at him and said "When do I have the time? And where would I meet someone here anyway?"

And so, I made the trek to my ex-husbands house to pick up the kids.

It was a beautiful, warm day. I was stopped in a small town, behind a bus. The song "Where did you go? I miss you so, it's like it's been forever, since you've been gone..." (Don't know the artist) was playing, and something caught my eye. I turned to look out the window and there were all of these white flowers lightly floating past, like snow. It was a moment where time stood still. I was looking at these flowers drift all around me and realized that though I wish for something wonderful for myself, a counterpart, friend, lover, I'm really fortunate in what I have, my sons, my family and possibilities. The world is my oyster in many ways, though some doors have closed, others have also opened.

I'm on the brink amidst of a storm of flowers. It has to be a good sign.

As Our World Turns

2006-05-08T17:05:00.000-07:00

I just got the news of the year. D is getting married. Reaction: Laugh hysterically...but I suppressed it. What I said was "Are you sure she's had enough time???" I thought I was stupid as the fourth. She'll be the fifth. What am I supposed to do or think?? I'm just going to hope even harder that custody changes. Geesh. A friggin soap opera. My bet is that there will be another child. Another future custody hearing. Time will tell.

Sunday was a wonderful day. I was hanging laundry in the morning and Derek came to me and said "I forgot to give you something this morning." He gave me big hug. I needed that. We went fishing in the afternoon and Dalton, out of the blue, said "I love you Derek." I'm so grateful for my sons. I'm a very lucky mom.

I watched Shop Girl this weekend. It's now one of my newest favorite movies. So real. And the message I took...sometimes what we want is not always best. What we wait for may be so much better.

I'm on myspace now. Finally my friends talked me into it. I get to add all the people I see every week...it's too funny.

I'm up too late already, this myspace thing really ate up a night. Sweet dreams all.

The Things I Can Do...

2006-05-02T17:22:00.000-07:00

Just last week I was in a 'mood' and bitching to my co-worker/friends at the Steakhouse. What I said was "I'm about ready to marry some guy that just has to be around to do some of this shit that has to be done." Nice, huh??? Yeah I was feeling pretty harried and royally pissed off.

I try not to let it get to me. Sometimes in order to put myself in check, I think about what others do. I work with one woman who has two children that are involved in sports, and she works with me at both jobs, as a TSS and at the Steakhouse. But then...she is remarried and has an extra pair of hands and another source of income. Other single mom's...just one job. Other moms...married. Two incomes, two pair of hands. So while I respect that I am not in some hole that no one else is in...I am dad, mom, fixer, cleaner, breadwinner and so forth. It just feels like a lot. I'm not wallowing. I only work one night this week and I feel like I'm getting stuff done.

What got done tonight: First I put oil and washer fluid in my car, then I replaced a headlight which is no big feat, but was a royal pain in the arse. Then I did something about my gas bill. I had been lamenting the loss of my clothes line for a year, since it was attached to the house and the house was sided last summer. I didn't dare put it back, since I'm pretty sure that landlord would have delivered a cow. And I didn't want to get posts and all that and do the whole big permanent thing since I'm hoping to move this summer. So, by the shed there was this pile of cinder block pieces and a long metal post (you know, the ones that are U shaped with the little wholes down the bottom of the U...and NO I don't know what they are called) that I have wanted rid of for awhile. So, I got my shovel out and started digging in the flower bed (easier than in the yard) behind my bleeding heart and dug and dug and dug until I could put the post in far enough that it was lower than the eaves trough. I had to dig about 2 1/2 to 3 feet. I pulled out rocks and saved worms in the worm farm. I got really dirty. So then, I put the post in, took the pieces cinder blocks and wedged them in around the post for some stability. I then took a block of wood and my hammer to pound them in tightly, covered up the hole, fixed the flower bed border and voila...a clothes line and no junk behind the shed. I hope it holds. (I thought about heading to Pattersons for a bag of cement, but the landlord would probably not be happy about that either). I'm almost as proud of this as I was when I replaced all the parts in my toilet or built the boys sandbox. I caught the neighbor watching at one point, an older gentleman who fixes watches next door, and wondered what they think when they see me do tackle these projects. (Crazy bitch, I'm sure of it).

So the good side is that I really don't have to have anyone. I've gotten pretty resouceful (like hanging a shower curtain rod in the bathroom and tearing apart a picture frame to use as supports. It actually looks ok. And fixing the hole in the side of the toilet with gum.) and feel like there is little that I can't do when I put my mind to it. Then I ended my night by making an ass-kicking pasta salad with genoa salami, artichoke hearts, roasted peppers, parmesan, and avocado for the picnic I'm having with the boys tomorrow night. Yeah. I'm impressed with myself. I rarely have these moments so let me be!! :) I'm taking my conceited butt to the couch to watch 'Last Holiday' after I give myself a deserved facial and much needed hand care. Lets face it, I don't want to LOOK like I dig holes.

Hugs to all you fellow bloggers!

Happiness

2006-04-30T18:30:00.000-07:00

Today was a beautiful day. We packed it full.

We first went to my mom's for a bit to visit my cousin and her kids who were staying to celebrate her birthday. On our way home, around lunch time, I finally stopped at this place where this guy always sells fixed up lawnmowers. Today I bought one. After three years of dragging a heavy monster around my yard and having to fix it every hour...I bought a better used mower. I shouldn't have spent the money, but ahhh...it really felt like a good way to spend it. The kids and I then went to Agway, purchased trowels for the boys, a rake, flowers, a plant hanger, 4 bags of top soil, 1 bag of potting soil and sunflower seeds. We came home, had lunch and went to work. I installed the plant hanger on the porch and hung the beautiful red miniature petunia that Derek picked out. Then the boys and I set to cleaning out the flower beds and adding some top soil. Derek planted HIS seeds, because he has decided he wants HIS own garden. So he has a spot of his own and I'm thinking of making a little wooden sign that says "Derek's Garden". While digging in the dirt, we decided to get a bucket to create our worm farm for fishing. After, I potted some plants for in the house and the kids just played outside, rolling in the dirt, being dinosaurs eating grass...

I mowed the lawn. In 1 1/2 hours I had it mostly mowed and trimmed. It was actually more like exercise than torture. It was DOABLE with my new mower. I love it.

Then Derek remembered I had said we might catch THE WILD at the theater...and so, I shuffled the kids into a bath, threw a steak on the grill, fried some potatoes and cooked some spinach...threw grass covered self into the shower and away we went to catch the 7:00 showing of the wild. I hid 2 quart sized bags of popcorn and two water bottles in my purse. Derek giggled the entire time..and Dalton, well, he was good. Somehow at one point he had folded himself up into the spring loaded seat, but looked quite comfortable. It was funny. We ran home, and I cuddled with the kids in bed.

Today was a great day. In the midst of planting with the boys, teaching them to pull the roots out a little, showing them how deep to dig and how to cover them up, I felt at peace. The sun was warm, we were together and we made our home a little more beautiful. Derek tells me he loves me quite often, but when something pleases him a little more than usual, he repeats it several times. He did that today when he was planting his garden. I heard the whisper behind his words.."I'm happy, Mommy". So am I my son, so am I.

Tomorrow

2006-04-29T21:04:00.000-07:00

I can't wait until tomorrow. Hmmm. I guess it IS tomorrow, being 4 minutes into Sunday. I have to get to bed. Soon.

I worked today, 3 hours with my client...if you can classify running errands, doing my grocery shopping and playing at the playground 'work'. The kids and I came home and did a little gardening. Derek was a huge helper...if you call insisting on doing it himself 'help'. I actually got the lawnmower OUT of the shed with the intention of using it to 'hay it' tomorrow. I had to work tonight. I didn't want to go in, I sound like a frog with the whooping cough. And when my babysitter came, Derek asked her to take them to the creek (it really isn't a hard thing, it keeps them busy and tires them out..bonus!), and then I asked her and she rolled her eyes. I decided right then and there...no more. I am going to be home to take them to the darn creek. But I had to go tonight and made a grand total of 47 dollars, 2 of which went by way of the bus girl and 25 to the babysitter.

And to think of all the productive things I could have done at home. At least, the fun things I could have done with the kids. But hey. I have all of my weekends free now. I can't wait to have a completely free weekend.

I totally want to go fishing. I actually could not walk by the fishing tackle today without checking it out. I didn't buy anything, as I need to get my things out of the shed to see what's there from last year. AND see if the 2 rods the kids have are usable, since Dalton walks around the yard with his at any opportunity he gets. We just might head out to one of the local lakes tomorrow afternoon.

I'll post if anything exciting happens. Maybe we'll catch a monster catfish or something.

Friday

2006-04-28T03:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I forget about my survival instincts. I left that message for my ex and instantly regretted it, not because what I had to say wasn't true, but because I don't need his help. I got things figured out...I will miss an hour of work and will have to do a lot of driving (picking up my sisters car and dropping it off after) but it worked out. After I got it done, D calls me back and for some reason decided to offer to have his babysitter watch the kids until I could get there. Too little too late. Why is kindness always an afterthought with him?? I told him to nevermind, I took care of it and hung up. Have a safe trip, I hope I didn't spoil it for you. (gag, gag)

I'm sick this morning. I had a tickling cough all day yesturday and today I feel like I have a brick in my chest with a throat thats on fire. Just my luck, it has to happen on a Friday.

I'm going to get the kids tonight. I have the night off. IF we can get home at a reasonable time, I think we may just have yard night. Kids in the sandbox and me working on flower beds/herb garden and mowing. If I'm not too deathly ill by the end of today, I'll see if I can pick up the two hours I'm short this week tomorrow morning. I also have to work my shift at the Steakhouse, although I might see if one of the fill-in girls want it.

And G-Man...I totally understand. If I could I would drag you and I out of our busyness and force us to have a drink leave the rest behind. I still think you should do it regardless. Take some time for YOU this weekend. I'm gonna try...

Another Bad Day.

2006-04-27T17:04:00.000-07:00

Right from the beginning to the end, it's been a bad day.

First, trying to reconcile the goals of the program I work for and the goals of the school I'm working in is nearly impossible. They want a TSS for the child. But sometimes they really don't want a TSS.

Second, giving up my Steakhouse job. I'm worried about income. I'm giving up my social life, because pretty much, the Steakhouse and my friends there have been it.

Third, I'm stressing about the final outcome still. Support petition dismissed...I still get what I have gotten the last three years. I'm so afraid nothing is going to change custody-wise. Screw the money. I want my kids to grow up well-adjusted rather than little control freak clones.

I'm afraid I made an error. I asked the ex to watch the kids for me for an extra hour and a 1/2 after work so I could keep the last minute appointment to get new tires. He called me at work and explained rather laughingly that he has expensive tickets to a show and he just can't not go. I called back and left a message that he claimed poverty to the court, it must be nice to be able to go to a show. He has no qualms about letting me drive an hour to pick up the kids and then refuse to let me have them when he wants to play house with his girlfriend. That he was so considerate in enrolling Dalton into a preschool 68 miles away, that I will now have to drive on a bad tire and hope it doesn't blow. That I will AGAIN be short hours at work. It was my turn for a tangent. I'm so frustrated...I have made all of the sacrifices because of his wandering penis. Screw around and screw your wife in the process. Now why can't I get a handle on that mentality???

The good news. I still get child support. I got home early tonight. But I'm home and so friggin lonely.

Ugh

2006-04-27T04:28:00.000-07:00

It's a 13 hour work day. I'm getting extremely, increasingly frustrated with the lack of time for ANYTHING. I feel like I need the additional income of my second job, but I have no life. More than that, I have no mowed lawn which is getting higher and higher and no hope of having time to mow the ungodly thing for another 3 days. I put my notice in at the Steakhouse. I was very sad to do it, they are all my friends, employees and customers alike, and I have had some very good times there.

I'm running a little late. I'm waiting for clean clothes to dry...another hazard of my lack of time. I can't function for at least 15 minutes after waking in the morning and so now, I have 15 minutes for my clothes to dry, get make-up'ed and head out. My enthusiasm for my day job is waning. When my client is doing as she is supposed to, I sit. And I sit. And I sit. I even asked the teacher to send some busywork my way. But still I sit. And try not to fall asleep. God I want to teach.

Some interesting things. The Blue Sloth has some great things going on at his blog. I would link it but I don't know how and don't have time to figure it out. You can visit through the link on the right. The man is amazing. I'm lucky to keep the spam out let alone do anything interesting.

Brando, at One Child Left Behind, talks about his Tequilacon '06. Man I wish I could have been there.

A few updates: Nothing new on custody, it's a waiting game again. The ex is slightly more reasonable with the exception of one major tangent.

Got a card in the mail stating my teaching application is received and there are openings for the position applied for. They will be in touch if I'm selected for an interview.

My car is headed south and no its not a trip. One back door won't open at all now and it was brought to my attention that the wires are showing half way around my front tire. When do I have a free hour to get it fixed??? I don't. Hey maybe my ex will give me some tires like 2 years ago. Both had slow leaks.

I'm out. I'm going to 'fake a smile and get the coffee to go'. I hope it's sunny today.

Tid bits

2006-04-22T20:11:00.000-07:00

Things I can share at this moment from what my attorney told me in his conference with the judge and other attorneys:

Things will change in our custody arrangement.

My ex's idea to have his son testify was a horrible idea. If he had listened to the mother of his child, he might have saved a lot of heartache for everyone.

Discussing his lifestyle before presenting a tax return with a $20, 000 a year income was probably a bad idea too.

Things I gained from this experience:

I'm not crazy. I no longer have to worry that no one will believe whether the madness I have lived with for the last 13 years, especially the last 3, is true or not. My ex-husband truly and completely let himself be seen.

That no matter what the new arrangement, whether full or a more generous partial custody, I will be my sons mom. I will always be a good mom, and I will be here for them no matter what may occur in their future.

And this may seem difficult to understand, especially if you haven't experienced emotional abuse, but I found a bit of validation for myself with these psychological exams. As I have stated before, I have constantly felt insecure about myself. I rarely do or say anything that I don't second guess. With my MMPI, which I guess is the 'lie detector' for the entire exam was, as the psychologist said, 'squeaky clean'. Meaning I was honest. Which I knew I was, but I was so freaked out by the whole thing that I guess I just did what I do...second guess. This guy said I was intelligent, socially adept and confident (go figure). All the things I strived to be, but for 6 years heard nothing but 'stupid, incompetent, and ugly.' And so, the devil on my shoulder, the spot in my being that holds the self-critic, the second guesser, is getting smaller and less significant. But he may truly never fade completely.

I may not have lived up to the expectations of some, but I'm very proud of myself. I finished a degree, even when there were months I had to beg the salvation army to help with my rent for the month, or collect movies and whatever to sell at a pawn shop for gas money. I lived through bankruptcy, and still have hopes to buy a house someday. I'm completely self-sufficient again for the first time in 12 years. It's been a hard road. Very hard. I have been very near the bottom of the barrel, but I never lost my home and always found a way to keep my car running.

During the hearing, it was insinuated that I was a royal loser. That I have part-time jobs because I just don't want to work. They had even used my social security number to try to access my online account with the Praxis testing site to say that I haven't even bothered to take the certification exams. You can imagine the feeling I had when I entered my teaching certificate into evidence and when I explained that I did in fact have my resumes 'out there'.
"I'm so sorry sweetheart, you underestimated this loser."

Two years ago almost to the month, after a day in court, I wrote this:

Tsk, tsk
a slap on the wrist
"you are not fit"
so they say,
let me ask,
who is. Who is?
the hermit?,
the guy with the gun?
the psychotic, control freak?

Wax, wane
this world is insane
nothing makes sense
what sense?
love,
love is lame
if its not
backed with a buck
love
is enough
so they say
but it doesn’t
fill you up,
hold you up
like cars
like stuff...
what does it all mean?
What does it mean?
Nothing.

Shudder, choke
what freakin’ joke
too tough
give it up
give it up
he sighed
then he lied.
am I stupid?
am I blind?
so sad,
so what do I do
what do I do?
Stand in these
new shoes
too blue
to give up
to step back
to continue.

Tsk tsk
was it worth a risk?
Who knows.
Do you?
Do you?
Tell me now
what is right?
What is reason?
It’s the pits
do you believe
this shit?
Here’s a twist..
Pucker up
lets heal the world
with a kiss
and a band-aid.

It's been hell living like this. One more day guys. Just one more day of court.

Nightmares

2006-04-21T18:10:00.000-07:00

It was a nightmare. An emotional gauntlet. I sat through testimony, lies and accusations that were too far fetched to believe it. And this is the father of my sons.

I was going to post the details of today, but I won't. It's not over, there may a third day of this. I really wanted it over today. The nausea, tension and emotion is overwhelming.

I don't dare hope for miracles. All I can ask is that my son's best interests are served. That there is some way to preserve my right to raise my sons as the mother they need.

When I do write about it, you will be appalled. It was a living nightmare. The ex was himself in full force.

Tomorrow

2006-04-20T19:45:00.000-07:00

In 6 hours I get up and go to court. I'll be posting later, I guess it will depend on my mind frame tomorrow afternoon.

My ex subpoena'd his 13 year old son. The ex's attorney said the he wanted his son to hear what his mother was going to testify to (for me). It's sick.

I'm going to roll around in the bed, getting some restless unsleep before tomorrow. Thanks those that have posted positive thoughts and well-wishes for the last months/weeks.

2006-04-18T17:27:00.000-07:00

In response to my new friend Val's question...this is it. Court. My last shot. I talked to my attorney tonight, and neither of us know what the results or recommendation is from the psychological studies. 3 days left. I'm so nervous my skin is practically crawling.

On the bright side, I picked up the kids tonight and we had a great time. We went to visit our friends for an hour, then to the park and to dinner. My youngest got his favorite, peel and eat shrimp and Derek a hotdog. This dinky little restaurant we go to in this dingy little town makes some of the best food. Fresh cut fries, and fresh sliced and fried potato chips. When we were leaving, we were at the counter paying and some other people got some lottery tickets. Dalton started pushing buttons and out popped a ticket. I insisted Derek take it to the people that were just there, even though he wanted to keep it. He did, and so I bought each of the boys their own (the one dollar ones). And as luck would have it, Derek won $10.00. I tried to explain the irony in what just happened, but it was lost on him. I did enjoy the experience of doing something good and getting something good. It doesn't happen all that often and so we must treasure the moments in which it does.

And so, I dropped the kids off again at their dad's. Dalton hugged me three times and wanted to know when the next time would be when he could 'go mommy's house'. I came home and had another bad stomach experience. I really thought dinner was going to settle better this time, but not so. I'm off to visit some blogs before I'm out for the night.

2006-04-17T20:57:00.000-07:00

Well, teaching application was not out today. Tomorrow. I struggled over writing the philosophy...I know it sounds lame, but I have such insecurity at times. I wrote it tonight, but I still need a conclusion. I'll wake up early and take a fresh look at it tomorrow to finish and proofread. I really could use another pair of eyes before I ship it out. I'm up against some tough competition. I should be more confident. I've been told that when I put my mind to it, I'm a good writer...my attorney was impressed with some of my communications to the judge and my ex. We'll see. Cross your fingers.

I have so much going on this week. The countdown continues...4 days until court. My stomach is a mass of whirling acids these days. I get heartburn from water and vomit from kool aid. Sorry for the details, but it totally sucks. Today, I could hardly eat anything. When I do, I'm overwhelmed with nausea.

I'm on my way to bed. I finished most of what I meant to finish. The rest will be just a few loose ends to tie before work. But I have this feeling as walk about the house of...incompleteness. Like I can't go to bed yet, because something is missing. The only thing I can think of is that I haven't said good-night to anyone. And so, I say "Good-night anoles, good-night Iggy and Coco. Good-night bears and good-night chairs, good-night moon. And most importantly...good-night all my blogging friends."

There. I can sleep.

Bluenewt

For you, J.

2006-04-15T09:29:00.000-07:00

I have a secret friend. Honestly, I do. The three year anniversary of our friendship is coming up in July. We met online, through HOT OR NOT. Our friendship has had all of the elements of any other friendship with one exception...we have never met. Not once. We exchange emails, IM's, pictures and talk on the phone usually once a month, more or less. We talk about everything under the sun...we laugh, cry and even once in awhile, drink together. We have had 'disagreements' and not talked for a time, but usually one of us will write and say "Come back!" We share poems, ideas, thoughts...In a way, we share every intimate detail of our lives save the face to face smile that most friends do.

I look forward to our phone chats. I was blessed with a short conversation today. He, once again, persevered with dignity the onslaught of my ranting and raving about my ex-husband all the horrors of that relationship. We talked about some books we read, our kids and Easter plans. It was just nice. I always feel human again after we talk. You know, instead of feeling like a washer stuck on the spin cycle.

So this is for you, my friend. Happy Easter. Sending hugs and kisses to the ever distant Southwest.

Mindy

P.S.

2006-04-14T21:51:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, finally got my 'professional certificate' in the mail. Resumes for the 3 openings at a local school are going out Monday. If nothing else, I will beat down doors if I have to. And I might. Wish me luck.

Here bunny, bunny

2006-04-14T21:34:00.000-07:00

The kids and I are having an early and very short Easter. I played Easter Bunny tonight. Honestly, I love it. The kids went to sleep late, and Derek very nearly ruined it for himself by snooping in the closet for who knows what...my bad. What a dumb idea, putting everything right there in the kitchen closet. So they went to sleep and I went to work.

The Easter baskets the kids get are a work of art. I never buy the pre-made ones, I always do my own. This year, there was so much stuff I had to buy two bigger baskets that look alot like small laundry baskets. I filled them with WAAAYYY too much candy in spite of this years resolve to limit it.

So when everything was done, I chewed a carrot and let little pieces on the table with a bunch of jelly beans and just felt...like a large furry rodent looking for mischief. I totally got caught up in being Easter bunny. I hid the baskets so well that I left a note from bunny with clues as to where they are. I wish we had more time in the morning, I would have done some things outside as well.

I'm going to make the kids eggs and cinnamon rolls in the morning. I'm going to let them eat some of their candy but not enough to make them sick and them I'm taking them to their dad's. I may not have the quantity of time I would like, but they will have a quality Easter morning. Damn it.

Thunderstorms

2006-04-12T19:15:00.000-07:00

It's going to be another sleepless night. I came home and thought I saw the flash of lightning. As it turns out, I did. I was reading a few blogs before bed and then came this huge crashing thunder. Seriously, I felt the floor shake for at least 10 seconds. I usually don't mind thunderstorms. Mostly when the boys are here...we all pile into my bed together. I'm alone tonight. The scarier storms remind me of when I was a child, about 7, when I learned about Armageddon from the Jehovah's Witnesses and thought every storm was the end of the world. I remember sitting on the floor crying in the livingroom while my mom tried to console me. I was an emotional child. I felt the weight of the world early on. I remember another time sitting on the stoop, listening to Meatloaf on a summer day at the same house...the one on Barber road. I cried and cried when I realized what the words were to "Heaven can wait". I was young then too...it was before I was in third grade, because we had moved from the house.

Anyhow. I'm not good weathering thunderstorms alone. And I'm still so tired I can't stand it. I have no clue when these resumes will get done, the Standard Teaching application filled out and a Philosophy of Education written. And my taxes. It's all just piling up. And emotions...today, my 'kid' at school wigged out. She has been through so much. I talked to her and plainly said that she was making it worse by screaming and running. I offered her alternative ways to express her feelings...no matter what she felt or needed to say I would be there... but she had to do it differently. She started to cry, silently and real tears...and I fought it but still the sting of tears came for this little kid.

I meant to call my sons from work, but before I realized it, it was after 8:00. The heavy weight of guilt fell and I called anyway. No answer of course, but I left a message that their father won't let them hear. I'll call them in the morning and will see them tomorrow night. I miss them.

I'm off to read a little more and will head to bed. Maybe the plinking of the raindrops on the rooftop will lull me into a deep, restful, satisfying and desperately needed sleep.

Another Day.

2006-04-12T10:56:00.000-07:00

I can't seem to keep up. I'm a step behind in every avenue of my life. I scheduled an observation at work, and totally forgot about it. My client left for a home visit early and so my BSC will be observing nothing today. Shit.

I dragged at work last night. Literally had to force myself to smile at people coming in for their Steakhouse dining experience and really, I could care less about their experience or tip. I just wanted to come home and drop. But then, my co-worker met a guy from an internet site and she, another co-worker and he were meeting for coffee after work. I wasn't going to go...but then I realized the guy was CHARLIE (YES, I squealed at the top of my lungs and gave him a huge hug) and so went along. He is the younger brother of one of my best friends of 13 years...and we had so many funny stories to talk about and news to catch up on. It was very cool, but I stayed up very late and am now very, very, very tired.

I also had a chance to talk to my co-op from student-teaching about the job openings in the district. I was feeling positive until I heard that competition will be tough with an Administrators wife and head of the Head Start program at the school applying for the Kindergarden position and a well respected and faithful substitute applying for the 6th grade position. I really don't think I have a shot. But I will apply and see how it goes.

I still can't get any information about the ex's planned spring break trip. No idea when he leaves or comes back and every call is an argument. Every word is a slam. So I resorted to emailing the other ex-wife and things on her end are oh so miserable too...and she has no information about this trip either. Darwin has also decided that his twelve year old son that he doesn't have custody of should testify for him in court regarding our two. What a sicko. And other ex is livid...rightly so.

But now I have an unplanned 2 free hours so I have Easter baskets to put together, laundry piled high and a house to clean. My body tells me to plop my butt on the floor with a soft pillow and a movie...my head is telling me to get busy. I'm off the fight this battle until it is time to go to work with a forced smile, aching back and heavy eyelids.

Blue

2006-04-09T08:45:00.000-07:00

It has been a busy day. Very busy. Trying to catch up on all of the mothering of two boys that I miss all week. We had a bit of a lazy morning. Went shopping for groceries, then to the Dollar Store, McDonalds for lunch, went to the movies (Ice Age: The Meltdown), and then to my mom's for a family Easter Egg hunt and picnic dinner. I'm beat. And the kids refuse to go to sleep.

I had another discussion about Easter weekend. Darwin says I can have the kids Friday, but wants them back at 10:00 a.m. So that means we have to have our Easter morning finished by 9:00. I told him that he refused me any of the boys in service days and an entire two weeks for winter and spring breaks, and asked if can't I at least keep them til noon. That started a round of...you get them the first two weeks of summer...you get them three weekends a month..and I said well you have them all week and take all of their days off. It literally drives him insane that there is even a small portion of this arrangement that he can't dictate the rules for. Then I realized he dragged me into this immature argument and finally said "Call me when you can decide to act like a 48 year old." People tell me...tell the judge, just tell the judge. But right now, I don't want leverage...as useful as it is. I want a fun and happy Easter morning with the boys.

I usually go to great pains on Sunday nights to make Monday mornings as simple as possible, but tonight I just want to go to bed. I have the kids clothes laid out, but not mine. Lunches need to be packed, medicine ready to send along...and I should document another altercation with the ex. I have three days of lasts weeks paperwork to catch up on for work. And several resumes to be modified, cover letters to write, all that stuff to be out in the mail by Wednesday. I have not one ounce of energy left. I'm exhausted.

I'm pretty good at being alone these days. It took me a very long time to be at least ok with it. But I have moments, like now, where I wish I wasn't. I guess it's not the first time I wrote this.

11 days left. I get sicker and more stressed as the countdown continues.

Thoughts

2006-04-08T20:22:00.000-07:00

How do I make this kiss
last one minute, one day
after you have gone?
When my arms are not long enough
to reach wherever you may be,
will you remember my hug?
When you are lost
and cannot find me that moment,
how will you feel my love?
My child, my son, sweet Dalton,
my love runs deeper
than any ocean.
My child, my son, dear Derek
my love is greater than the number
of stars in the night sky.
And if you should forget,
then think of the times
I watched you leave.
Because those were the times
when my heart ached
to hold you more tightly.
Those were the times
my love was laden with strength,
and I truly, never let you go.

Busy

2006-04-08T06:02:00.000-07:00

Posts will be few for awhile. Starting Monday my workweek is now 55 to 60 hours. And I thought I was tired after 45.

I went to pick up my son at school yesturday and was informed by his teacher that he was out and at his dad's with strep throat. I was fortunate enough to have an understanding employer at the restaurant and so was able to stay home with him last night. He slept in my bed, tossed and turned all night...I got up once because he was hot with a fever to give him some tylenol. Poor kid! He's still sleeping and I'm hoping his fever breaks today.

Derek was so sick, but when we came home with a few groceries and the kids tylenol (I had run out!), he came up to me when I was unloading and took the bags from my hand. When he went to bed, he again thanked me for the lizards I let him buy and said I was the best mommy in the world. Before he went to sleep, he said my bed was the best...soft and comfortable. Being a parent is so gratifying at times.

I have to work tonight. I wish I didn't. I had taken off the entire weekend for Easter, to find out that Darwin is insisting he have that weekend for his one a month weekend custody. I wrote him a letter two weeks ago (the one he threw in my face) because as soon as I looked at the schedule for the month, I knew he would do it. But, he had beaten me to it...a message on the machine I had not received he stated he was taking that weekend. I argued it, but when push comes to shove, if I go to pick them up on Friday, he will not be home, as is his practice. The part that sucks is that when this 'court order' was written Derek was in Pre-K and so all of their days off and vacations (except Christmas) was over-looked. So Derek has an entire week off and Darwin is saying that I get none of it per our court order. So I have no Easter with the kids their entire vacation. However, I begged him when I called one day for the 14th and 15th to celebrate the holiday...and he is letting Derek make the decision. It's bad enough that two weekends ago Darwin made it extremely clear to Derek that he can do whatever he wants where mommy is concerned. And now he is letting Derek (who is 8 years old) make decisions about our custody agreement. Am I wrong in thinking that this is wrong???

He's punishing me for Christmas vacation. At our first hearing, the Judge changed our order, but failed to write it in the interim order. The vacation was more equally divided, instead of exchanging the boys every two days. Darwin took the Friday night I would have had by the old order, and so I was led to believe we were following the Judges said schedule. Christmas eve he hit me with his plan. I stood my ground, kept the kids my 5 days of the vacation, even when he showed up at the door gave me one really angry look. He, however, got his half of the vacation...as is fair. But he didn't get all of the quality time with his newest victim to play happy family. I don't know whats going on, but all of these latest heated arguments are over weekends that she and her daughter are there. I have a feeling she'll be in court testifying to all the wonders of Darwin. If I know anything, I know she's seeing little things that bother her...but he's so perfect she disregards it as her own paranoia. She won't realize it until he turns on her and he will, especially if she interferes between him and the children.

Anyway. I'm off to enjoy the day I have with the kids today and try not to think about all of the other stuff. I'll be back sometime later.

Dream

2006-04-04T18:43:00.000-07:00

I was just married and my faceless lover and I were in this apartment with family, but family I didn't know. The room was simple and rustic with a wood stove and cots for sleeping clothed with patched quilts. There were plants everywhere and if you walked far enough to left of the room, the plants became more dense as though walking into a lush rainforest. My newly beloved was nude, as was I, but the feeling was that only we perceived each other that way. It was sensual not sexual, peaceful, so peaceful, and gentle. I didn't know my lover, but there was an air of familiarity. Every exchanged word, glance and touch was with a gentleness I have never experienced. We were walking about the room, unpacking, but always acutely aware of the others proximity. The room was warm with the burning wood stove. I don't remember the specific words exchanged or even a touch, but I felt that I was secure and loved, combined with the twinge of expectation. There was no conclusion, but I awoke with the beautiful a feeling of gentle peace. And so, I hit the snooze button and tried to return to no avail. It was a work day. I have returned to this dream several times throughout the day. I try to interpret it's meaning, but mostly, I just enjoy the lingering feeling.

Updates: I shared my story of Coco's rescue with the kids. Derek giggled and thought it was hilarious. Dalton smiled and asked me if we had to give Coco away now. I said no, but he has to be a big boy and take better care of his pet hermit crab. He can't wait to come home and see Coco safe and sound with his own eyes. I'm so happy for my son's joy, for Coco's well-being, and for my sweet smelling deadhermitcrabstench-free home.

Sweet dreams all. I truly mean that.

Coping in Chaos

2006-04-03T18:55:00.000-07:00

First, a conversation from last night;

(Dalton enters kitchen from living room) Dalton: My hermit crab is gone!
Me: Dalton where is it?
Dalton: It was on the floor, and it's gone. It crawled away.
Me: WHAT!? Why was it out of it's cage?
Dalton: I put it on the floor next to me.
Me: Dalton why did you leave it there? You know how fast he crawls!!
Dalton shrugs his shoulders: He's gone. Find my hermit crab?
Me, pulling out furniture furiously looking for the white snail shell called coco: Dalton!! I can't believe you! If we find that crab, you will never touch it again. If we don't find that crab, you will never touch it again. And you will never, ever have another hermit crab again. Now he's going to die, and he's going to stink like crazy, and it will NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!
(Dalton appears nonchalant)
Me: It's time for bed. I'll look for Coco later.
Dalton: Find my hermit crab for me, mommy?
Me (to self silently) Why did I leave the cage out? Why did I let him talk me into letting him look at the crab? DID I NOT KNOW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!!
Me: Dalton I will try.

Later that night, I turn off the lights and go upstairs. I wait. I come back down, flip on the lights and AHA! No sign of the crab. I go to bed.

(Next morning) I creep down the steps and flip on the lights. Search furiously and no crab. Get kids to school. Go to work.

I become the Forest Gump of TSS staff. I am involved in an involuntary game of tag and hide and seek in an Elementary school. I run up the hallway, I run down the hallway, up the hallway and down again. Fly girl tags kindergartener and carries to Principal's office. Was it really last week that I thought my job was cake??

Come home and receive IM from mother;

Mom: You there?
Me: Yup
Me: You?
Mom: just got home, can't wait til this shit is over with D***** (my ex-husband)
Mom: I had a nightmare and he was in it last night.
Mom: I was up every hour.
Me: Welcome to the club...lol.

(Note to self: the disease has spread. Attempt to decontaminate)

Conversation with Dalton on the phone;

Dalton: Did you find my hermit crab?
Me: No, Dalton I didn't.
Dalton: Leave his blue shell out and he will come out.
Me: Oh, he will come out for his shell?
Dalton: Yeah. He will pinch Iggy.
Me: He won't pinch Iggy, honey.
Dalton: No, Daddy doesn't have a hermit crab. He doesn't have an Iggy, only at your house.
Me: (???) I know, I will look for Coco, I promise.
Dalton: I want to come to your house.
Me: Tomorrow, Dalton. I will see you tomorrow.

After conversation: I pull out every peice of furniture in the living room. I pull out ever peice of furniture in the family room. I drag the washer and dryer out in the bathroom. I pull out the refrigerator, take off the cover in the front, look with a flashlight in the back. Find hole in the cabinets and hope like hell Coco isn't in there. I look under the stove, pull it out and no crab.

Oh MY GOD, I hear clinking. Shhhh! More clinking. It's the damn crab, it has to be!!! BRB.

It was him. The little shit was crawling out from behind the refrigerator while I was typing and heading back under it when I nabbed him. He must've known I was blogging about him. Whew. I have to say, he has character and all that, but Coco is just plain creepy.

What a day.

The Tenant

2006-04-02T17:15:00.000-07:00

It was another good day, mostly. The kids and I took a trip to see Aunt Becky and their cousins. We came home and took a trip to the creek, we caught one little crayfish and skipped rocks. And then we had steaks on the grill for dinner. That's when our good day came to a screeching halt.

I had written a note to my 'neighbor' that lives in the back efficiency apartment of the house. I have the entire house except for that, and I absolutely hate it. The current occupant is the one and only occupant I cannot seem to maintain a level of civility with. It began with the first time he was living there and one of the kids left the walkway door open. He came in, slammed the door and hollered "dumbass' loudly enough to be heard by the entire neighborhood. I have never seen him smile, or so much as say hello. Ever. So, my note consisted of a request to have him not drop his cigarrette butts in my driveway (and I did say please). I also told him that I put a can on the stoop so that he could dispose of them there. Well, apparently I offended him quite badly, because he knocked on my door and told me if I leave another note he's going to report me for trespassing. (In a year, it was the second one). He also called me a 'hog' (in front of my kids) because the kids bikes were in the driveway and I had a folded up kennel, carseat and our shoes in the entranceway. It didn't seem to matter that even with the kids bikes technically IN the driveway, there was still room enough for three cars to park and that my things in no way prohibited him from entering the doorway or into his residence. Well, I have not had much back bone of late, and so, I cried. I can't seem to take a cross look from anyone without a tear. Tears and then the churning of my stomach. So he left and came back again, I had to ask..."Do you work at being miserable or does it come naturally?" That began another tirade...and thank God, Geoff, my employer at the Steakhouse dropped by to tell me I didn't have to work tomorrow night. He asked if I was ok, and the 'neighbor' got into his truck, pulled up in front of him instead of taking the opposite way down the street, like he was going to run him off the road. That was the end of that. But throughout the whole rest of the night, Derek asked me if I was ok, told me I looked sad. Derek even told me to make sure the doors were locked tonight, my poor kid. I called my landlord and told him that I am going to start looking for another place...it isn't a notice, just a heads up. We just didn't need this tonight. I totally didn't need it.

I wish that I had someone to sit on the front porch with me, with a cup of coffee, to talk about the good and bad stuff of the day. Instead, I am sitting at my desk typing my woes and joys into a blog, feeling like a jerk for requesting that my driveway be butt free and that something so stupid had to taint our Sunday night. Tomorrow another week begins, there are lunches to pack and clothes to lay out for work and school. And while I'm feeling quite blue, part of me wants to tell the 'tenant' to take his bad attitude and stick it up his...

A Day

2006-04-01T20:35:00.000-08:00

It's April 1st already. Where did March go?? I find myself reflecting on whole weeks gone past...so, so quickly it's frightening. There is so much to be done this month. There are so many big things happening. So many huge changes may occur. I find myself as about as tense as I have ever been...some days to the point of feeling seriously ill.

I worked tonight at the restaurant. I love it there, but tonight it hardly seemed with my time. After paying my tip out to the bus girl, the babysitter, and what I owed my boss's daughter for Easter chocolate (for the kids baskets) I came home with 15 dollars. Ah, well. So it goes.

I got home tonight and my youngest was sleeping, he was so tired. Derek was awake and waiting for me. He smiled and asked me to cuddle while he finished watching his movie 'Dinosaur'. I put my arm around him and he said "I missed you Mommy. I like this, spending time together just you and me." That's my son. My beautiful boy. The movie ended, I kissed him and said good-night.

Simple Things

2006-04-01T05:36:00.000-08:00

I awoke to the promise of an extremely hectic day, but a rare thing happened, a small change completely turned things around. Phyllis worked for me. Thank God. So, instead of driving at an unsafe speed in order to make it home and to work, (I nearly got a ticket on my way to pick up the kids), we had a leisurely drive home. We took our lizards and hermit crab to share with Derek's class the last 15 minutes of the day, and so it was nice to not have to pack up and run. Iggy was so well behaved. He lay in cradled on my arm, and let all the 2nd graders ooo and ahhh and touch him.

It was a beautiful warm day. We stopped at the store to pick up some charcoal, lighter fluid, and a six pack. When we got home the kids played in the sandbox, I cooked ribs on the grill and made baked beans while I drank my Yuengling Porter. Life is good. After dinner we watched King Kong with certain scenes skipped.

Now that movie was probably one of the worst I've seen. In it's entirety, it wasn't suitable for kids, and for me, it wasn't really that captivating. I think I spent more time wondering how in the world anyone could believe that people lived through running with a heard of...allosaurus'(?) and raptors. And I won't even start on the swinging T-Rex...or the story in general...

I got my first paycheck from my 'day' job. It's certainly nothing to 'write home' about, but the feeling of productivity is comforting. I've been a waitress and clerk for so long to get by, now I'm doing something to improve the world, even if just one classroom, just one child. So when I recover from my satisfaction condition, I will figure out whether the gas bill, credit card or attorney gets paid.

I'm off to enjoy my Saturday. I do have to work tonight, but until then we are going to have a blast as soon as Derek gets his lazy butt out of bed. Happy weekend all.

Summer Escape

2006-03-28T20:37:00.000-08:00

The kids and I haven't taken a vacation in 3 years. So what we do is take day adventures to local hideaways like this. I used to come here as a child once in awhile, and this was the first time I brought Derek and Dalton, even though it's only 25 miles out of town. Getting there, it felt like I was driving forever. We made stops along the way, but the goal was to find the spot along the 'creek' called Big Falls. It's nearly impossible! You cannot see the water from the road, the trees are very dense and the only way to get to the creek is to hike down one of the very well hidden and very steep paths along this rather primitive dirt road. There were just a few people scattered along the way with their dogs and so one of them clued me in. Big Falls is marked with a faded red X painted on a tree stump next to the path. I don't have a picture of Big Falls, but if you can imagine, it's a small rock water fall with cliffs on both sides. There is a small, very cold, deep pool at the end. There is a rope set up that you can swing from into the water, but some of the crazier people climb the trees on the opposite side and jump the 30 feet down. I also took my little red-headed, too brave for her britches neice, Babe (Sierra), who talked a teen-ager into jumping off the cliff with her, since I was watching Dalton. She jumped, and jumped...once Derek went up with her, but looked down and walked back. I remember that feeling as a kid.
The really cool thing is that everywhere you stop along the way on the creek, theres a different landscape. The kid's love the critter-hunting value of the area more than anything else! Welcome to rural Pennsylvania!!

Lizard Lovers

2006-03-25T18:54:00.000-08:00

Well, I whined and cried again. I feel so stupid when I write such a depressing post...but every couple of days something new happens and it drags me down. The need to vent is just overwhelming. Today, I'm going to write about Iggy. He's been a loyal friend for almost three years and it seems like a good topic because today the kids and I went shopping for him. He also had a bath for a change, I heard that iguanas like their baths, but Iggy didn't seem to happy about it.

I never dreamed that I would own, and really LIKE, a reptile. I guess I never thought a reptile would have much of a personality, but he really does! I first obtained Iggy when my mom's friend asked her if she knew anyone that would like to have an Iguana. Of course, for God knows what reason, my mom thought of me. She knows that the boys LOVE any kind of animal, especially reptiles. So, I said sure. I had no clue. None. I got him some Iguana staples at the local pet shop, asked some questions about an Iguana's needs...and proceeded to listen to a story about a woman who received 7 stitches in the face after her long time friend bit her. Nice. THAT didn't make me paranoid. I met Iggy at this woman's house, and he kind of freaked me out. He has never been contained, so cool. Her instructions were that you have to talk babytalk to him before you approach him, let him run free, and feed him an egg once a week with his fruits and veggies. So I took him with a "here we go wittle iggy wiggy, good wittle boy", and put him in the car. I put him between my mom and I in front seat of the car. The kids were in the back, and Dalton was a little nervous about this weird looking creature as well. We're driving along, and Iggy wants to wander. He did...up my arm and onto my shoulder. I looked at him through my peripheral vision as I was driving, and guess what I saw? Teeth. Big Iguana teeth that would mar my face forever. And his mouth wasn't even open. Then he began to travel further upward, I guess for a better view, onto the top of my head. He has these nice long skinny toes that got tangled in my hair so much so that I had to stop along the road for my mom to detangle him. That was the beginning. It took a long time to get used to this creature in my house. He has always had free reign. For awhile, the kids and I played "find the leezard" every morning. I would walk around the corner from the kitchen and he would scare the crap out of me, because I forgot a scaly crawler was on the loose. But he has wormed his way into our hearts. And he has survived a crazy household.

About Iggy. When he's hungry he sits in front of the refridgerator. When he gets the chance, he crawls into it. A babysitter had to call her dad one night because she couldn't/wouldnt' get him out. When I feed him, he doesn't look at the pile of food in front of him, he goes right for my hand, not viciously, but because he's spoiled and it so much easier to have the food put in front of your mouth than to bend over that 1/2 inch. In the summer he runs toward an open door to get out. I let him out pretty freely, I check on him every so often. He comes back and waits at the door at dusk. When he's in a bad mood and doesn't want affection, he'll swat at you with his front leg. When he does want attention, he'll come into the living room while you're watching t.v. and crawl up your back, and scare the shit out of you. He will close his eyes, put his head up and lean into you as you stroke him. If he doesn't like something, like an offer of unwanted food, he'll turn his head and close his eyes as though he refuses to acknowledge your presence.

You have to be a special person to stroke a rough, scaly creature and find pleasure in it! So, I'm hooked. The kids and I went to a pet store today to look around, and you'll never guess! We came home with two more reptiles, anoles. Derek has claimed them as his very own, and Dalton got his favorite...a hermit crab he named Coco. Coco is a wild one, he's actually in a bird cage at the moment and seems to think that hanging from the top is the ticket to freedom. He's on his third trip up. The anoles are adorable, very small and friendly to handle. Tonight, instead of sleeping, Derek asked me about getting more. He wants the black and yellow monitor and some tree frogs. The child is ecstatic about his pets. Finally when he settled down, he asked me if I would take care of them while he was at his dad's. As I left him to sleep, I told him, "sweet dreams...dream of playing in the rainforest with lots of beautiful reptiles!" He smiled and nodded.

Fear

2006-03-24T18:57:00.000-08:00

My exhusband played another sick game today. For tonight, I lost. The closer to April 21st we come, the more desperate and obvious the games become. Today he began an all out war in front of the kids. He used their young impulses to his advantage and coordinated events to get his way. Control Freak: you will never realize what this means until you meet one, a true one. One that loses a sense of logic when faced with loss of control. He refused to release the kids to me on my night of custody. I left in tears, again. At one point he was in my face yelling at me, saying "why can't they stay? I'm not going to make them go". (His girlfriend and her daughter were there, he conveniently wasn't home when I tried to pick them up before they arrived. He followed her up the driveway). He could have taken this weekend for his one weekend a month. He could have not told the kids they were coming. He could have made and already tough situation easier. Instead, I had to ask a 48 year old man if he really needed to argue about this in front of our children. I had to ask him if this is something he really wants the kids to remember.

On Wednesday, he told me I was a waste of name. He threw a letter I wrote back in my face. We can't communicate any other way. He's the worst kind of cruel. Ruthless and unfeeling. And to be honest, his actions have been so blantantly manipulative, that I'm afraid. He's always been so sneaky about it. Somethings wrong. He's told one person, that I know of, he wants me dead. When his other ex wife sued and gained custody of his first son, he lost it. He tried to get his lawyer disbarred. He conducted a hidden campaign against the judge at reelection, and wrote letters to the local paper bashing him. He talked about running to Italy or having his ex killed. He took a lot of it out on me.

I had a great couple of days. I really did. And here it is Friday...and I'm wondering why I ever married someone who makes every encounter living hell. How I couldve chosen someone who can't let go of complete control for the overall good of his kids.

In an unrelated, related train of thought...I was thinking that last couple of days, if I ever find someone willing to deal with a lot of baggage, that the greatest attribute he could have is kindness. Yesturday, an older gentleman ran to the door to open it for me at the store. Tonight, one older gentleman handed me the money for his check..one pile he said was for the boss, the other he kindly handed me and said "this is for you." Then there was Mr. Anderson. Mr. Anderson comes into the restaurant with friends, his wife is in a home with Alzheimers, and always treats you with the greatest respect. There is just something so kind about him. Like you are a person worthy of all the respect and appreciation anyone deserves, even if you are just a waitress. And he always leaves at least a 30.00 tip, regardless of the amount he spends. I felt grateful to just have the opportunity to wait on such a gentle soul. I wonder, where are all the Mr. Anderson's? How difficult is to be kind and considerate? What component in my ex-husbands genetic makeup contributes to his utter lack of concern for anothers well being?

I'm very tired. I'm missing my sons. I'm going to bed.

"You had a bad day..."

2006-03-20T18:37:00.000-08:00

I drove home from the Steakhouse to Daniel Powter's "Bad Day". I pulled into my driveway and sat in my car just to finish listening to it. A very fitting end to my day.

"You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost..." My day started out pretty well. Everything went smoothly, really it did. But it was a hard day. Too much emotion. Too few ideas. Misguided assumptions. I went from the school, to a meeting, to the Steakhouse. I was there early, and alone, and when I sat down at the bar I lowered my head and let the tears fall. There was little magic today. My physical, mental and emotional resources were stretched. I just didn't feel like enough. I thought that a big heart was an asset but I'm reaching the realization that it is also a huge liability.

So I'm going to "sing a sad song just to turn it around", sleep on it, and start fresh tomorrow.

"You had a bad day...Oooooo, you had a bad day..."

Hair

2006-03-18T19:09:00.000-08:00

Me at 17
Ok, so I have been threatening with this post for awhile. My hair. It has been growing and growing and growing forever. I haven't had a short do since high school. I told myself that I would cut it at 25. I didn't. Then I said I would definitely need a change at 30. And I didn't. And now I'm thinking 35. Maybe. Or maybe something new for work now? Whenever I do get it cut, well, trimmed, people turn around and ask..."is she getting it cut?" "How short are you getting it?" "You could always donate it." Even when I have it pulled up, the girls at the Acorn (convenience store near my house) will say "Did you get you hair cut?" Then there is one of the girls I work with who nags me about it. "You should get it cut like mine, it could be so fun and flirty!" Fun and Flirty...hmmm. Yeah. Way too much time thinking about what I should do with my mop. Last summer I went in for a cut, asked her to take off 3-4 inches, and made her stop at one. My hair obsession started in high school. I had this awesome hairdresser that, honest to God, was practically a magician. I had every kind of hair style you could imagine. A bob, straight and permed. A shag, straight and permed. Layered short, layered long...bangs, and no bangs. But now, it's just long. Sometimes I get brave and add layers like this (at 29) <-, sometimes I straighten it or do the bedhead thinglike this -> (I'm the cavewoman!). And sometimes I forget for an entire year to get it cut at all and it ends up like this (at 31, and yeah, it grows like wildfire)-> At present (I don't have a recent picture) it's layered, the shortest is at my elbow, the longest is, well, to my tush. So now I'm thinking maybe it's time to get a grown-up haircut. But then should I go short right away, or do it in increments? But if I do it in one fell swoop, at least I can let go of my vanity for some good, I could donate it. So, if you have an opinion, feel free to write it. If you think I need a life...say it, I certainly deserve it for a post like this. Kaicito, I do not yet have bald spots...but hey, you never know when a friendly tip will come in handy, since in my family we don't get gray, what a relief! The five hairs I will have left at 60 will all be brown.

I promise to not post another post so shallow. Maybe I should shave my head to leave some think space for something important. Nah.

"Mommy, you be da dragon!"

2006-03-17T18:07:00.000-08:00

That was my assignment per Mr. Dalton, aka Bubba. Mommy be da dragon. He has no idea how undragonlike I feel right now. I barely kept my eyes open for dinner. But I was da dragon. I pulled myself up out of my comfy chair and invaded a castle of pillows, blankets and a futon. In spite of my lethargy, I dragged two young boys out from under a futon and consumed them with all the enthusiasm I could muster. When Derek started whining about scraping his leg on the side of the funton, I said in my most dragon-like voice "Good! I can eat the injured prey much more easily!" I ferociously kissed his face all over and the boo boo went away. Maybe this was just what I needed, as I now feel quite awake again. Awake enough to put two boys in their night-time dungeon. And maybe I'll even do the dishes floating in the moat.

Derek's painting last fall
I have the ENTIRE weekend to myself with the boys. I get these so infrequently that when I have one...I relish it. I'm thinking of flying kites tomorrow, or maybe sitting with Derek to do some drawing. I would like to do some sketches of the boys, I have been meaning to start that for awhile now. It's been a long time since I have sat down with a sketch pad. Derek received three art-kits at Christmas, one of which is a sketching beginners set. The first thing he did after putting together his lego pirate ship on Christmas morning was sit down and use the book to draw a bird. I was impressed.

My drawing many moons ago

I'm afraid the monsters are STILL restless. Occassionally I let them sleep in 'Mommy's bed' as a weekend treat. They seem to have a severe case of the giggles. I tried to cuddle, but Dalton was concerned that he didn't have enough pillows (geesh, there are only 6 on the bed) and Derek kept shoving his feet under me, at my hipbone (my most ticklish spot), so once he discovered that there was no giving up. I quit cuddling in the hopes that they would pass out finally, but I still think I hear kid noises up there.
Maybe not. Good. I have time to visit some of my favorite blogs before bed. Oh, btw...Happy Saint Patrick's Day! Get pinched?? I tried, but no takers. Damn.

End of Week Notes

2006-03-16T11:21:00.000-08:00

This week has been a very good week. With the exception of a few tears, and one backward glance to see if I was still present, I hardly felt needed today with my client. Yesturday I was on her like glue, today I took a step back to let her fly alone and she did fine. My initial happiness at my employment as a TSS was the fact that I'm in a classroom and getting a decent paycheck. Today, my happiness is derived from moments of a child's successes. Already I find myself worrying about her when she is 12, then 16...where will she be? And will she feel like I abandoned her because in the end, I have been hired to scaffold her for a short period of her life.

I find myself presented with challenges. My expertise is in teaching, accommodating an entire classroom of diverse students. I made my first mistake early, not realizing it until after it was too late. My job is to focus on one student. But I knew all the names of the entire class on the second day. I already have 'gifts' of pictures from a few of the other students. Today I tied the shoes of at least 4 children. I have to hold my tongue when I see the little things that kids do when they are supposed to be paying attention to instruction. I get asked for help ALOT with academics and REALLY have to limit myself, as my purpose in this employment setting is not to teach. But I do help a little. I can't help it.

On the flip side, there are benefits. As a teacher, you are limited in the time you can spend on the 'parenting' of a child. I know where my kid is at all times. I can spend as much time as it takes to modify a negative behavior and get her back to her lesson. I can wipe tears and take a walk. I can go to the nurses office to see if she's feeling better. I can stick to her like glue, or give her some space. It's really amazing what I'm learning and it will only make me a better teacher. I love my job. I really love kids.

Speaking of kids...I think I'm going to have Lori work my Friday night at the restaurant if she can. Yes, I need the money; however, the idea of an entire weekend with my sons is too tempting to not take advantage of. Friday is St. Paddy's Day, so we are going to do the green apple juice, corned beef and cabbage thing. If Saturday is nice, we're going to the park to fly kites. I called my sons yesturday while they were at their dad's. My youngest actually talked to me (he isn't fond of talking on the phone yet) and asked me if I was coming 'over'. He said to come after dinner to pick him up. I explained that Mommy had to work that night, but would see him Friday after school. And so, I want that extra time...screw the finances. It can wait a few more days.

Life is good. Catastrophies have subsided and hopefully two paychecks will prevent others from occurring. I've come to accept the single life and am now too busy to think much about it...so it eliminates my worry about being alone. For the first time, I feel like I may just be moving up the scale on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Being 32 might not be so bad after all. I may just hang here a couple more years. :)

My Second Day

2006-03-15T03:45:00.000-08:00

My second day was mildly harder. I saw a glimpse of my 'kids' temper. We're still in the honeymoon period and although it took some time, my kid got back on track and actually had a few really great moments during the day. Today is another day, I'm very excited to see what its in store for us. One point of frustration for me already is that I'm missing a third of her school day. I feel like I need to be there more, and hopefully that will change.

Now MY sons...they had a good day yesturday as well. Derek started off kind of badly, but came home and impressed me with finishing his math homework in record time (and doing it correctly). AND he didn't even complain about dinner. Even if he likes what we have, usually there is a complaint. He's getting so grown up. And Bubba, well, he's mischievious as always, and always wants Mommy.

Me, well, this 8:30 to 9:00 all day running is getting hard to get used to. I went to bed a lot earlier than usual and still overslept. Ugh. I wanted to do some things here around the house before I leave today. At least I have 3 hours between jobs this afternoon. Whew. I really need some time to get my teaching resume and portfolio updated and out to several schools, too. Anyway, I'm stopping typing, downing some more coffee and am off to work. Have a great day all!!

First Day

2006-03-13T18:14:00.000-08:00

Today was the first day, hands on, at the new job. I'm placed with a client in the school I student-taught in, so I'm fairly comfortable. I was pretty nervous in meeting my 'kid'. What do I do if she screams and kicks me, or just hates me??? It wasn't that way at all. Today was a very uneventful day, which I am told is highly unusual. I'm looking forward to this new experience. Already my kid has claimed ownership, I heard her in the lunch telling another student rather harshly "NO! She's here for ME!" I also got a big hug at the end of the day. So, it's a good start.

I feel very important. In my training, I had to read about advocacy and how we are not only there for redirecting and behavior modification but to be an advocate for our child. I listened to the other experiences of the TSS workers today. They see so many things. These kids are medicated, in foster care, being evaluated for special learning needs, being placed in foster and adoptive homes. I feel like I can make a difference, even though I'm pretty much on the low rung of the totem pole. I love it. I'm with kids and I'm still in a classroom.

I'm beat today though. I spent most of the day with my client. I had an hour and 15 minute break before running to a meeting. Then ran from the meeting to work at the restaurant until 9. I feel good though. Tired from a busy and productive day. I'm looking forward to another adventurous day tomorrow.

One penny closer...

2006-03-11T12:39:00.000-08:00

A friend called me this afternoon. She told me I forgot to breathe. She calls me at times and tells me that I need a self-esteem cookie. She knows that my greatest struggle is the inner one, the one that I have to keep fighting in order to leap out into the great unknown instead of cowering in my dark, safe cave. I needed that self-esteem cookie today. I didn't realize it until I opened my mail. I don't know how she knows, she just does.

I have been feeling like a real person of late. Welfare mom sees herself coming up, with a credit card for a backup plan, a real job in the works (somewhat related to a hard-earned bachelor's degree) and a checking account because I will actually have something significant to deposit. I felt like a real person in spite of the worry. In spite of being $1, 300.00 in debt to my attorney. In spite of scraping to pay half the fees by the end of the week. In spite of the shut off notice for the end of the month with the gas company. In spite of dancing around the edge of financial devastation merely months after filing for bankruptcy. I have two incomes now. I can chip away at the debt a little more each month. And then I opened my student loan statement, that wasn't a statement. The company I consolidated my loans with merged or was bought by Sallie Mae. The terms of my loan had changed, and my hardship deferrment (which I have been thanking God for) was terminated. I opened it up and $77, 000.00 dollars slapped me in the face. That's was I'll have paid after 299 payments on a loan for $48, 000 for school. And I have already missed a payment, because I thought my deferrment didn't end until August. After the end of the custody dispute. After I was settled into my new job. After I received my official teaching certificate from PDE and has several resumes out. My roller coaster hasn't ended. All this time I thought I was nearing the end of this ride, and still I am just beginning.

I gave my attorney a check for $600.00 to hold til Monday. The idea was to deposit all I could from what I made at the restaurant this week and take the rest as a cash advance from the credit card. Originally, when I discussed my employment as TSS, I would have around 35 hours a week. Somehow, because of 'technicalities' with the approval of my client, I will only have 20 hours for the first three weeks, then 30 a week after that. My first paycheck was going to be the credit card payment. I couldn't get the cash advance from the ATM, and although I'm supposed to have a $3000.00 credit limit, and do have the available credit, I wouldn't let me have the money. I panicked. I did get $300.00 from another ATM this afternoon. So maybe I won't bounce that check after all. I spend hours juggling money in my mind. If I skip this bill for now, I can pay this one and catch up that one later. Dodging shut off notices by a hair some months. My typical practice is, if I know that there is nothing I can pay a bill with, I set it on top of my stand in the kitchen (As long as I know that if I don't look at it, it will not have immediate devastating consequences) until there is something I can do about it. Sometimes, it saves my spirit if I leave myself in ignorance a little longer. God knows, the only thing I have is my spirit. And now, I owe over $400.00 when I am barely 'juggling' this month. I'm thinking of finding a third job, nights or very early morning. I'm not sure how I can keep this up. Driving home from the Acorn this afternoon, I thought, how does one person handle all of this? How can I carry this burden let alone get it off my back??

And so this afternoon, I counted the change in my jar. I love that jar. It was how my sons actually had a Christmas this year. $153.00 worth of pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters, with a few pennies left for seed. With a pounding migraine and shaky hands, I counted all the money in that jar. It struck me as I counted that one of my stacks of 10 pennies was short. And as I looked at it, I wondered how it was that I could see it, since it was on a dark red placemat. I spend so much time counting those pennies in a pinch, but never forget the value. It will make a difference this week between a $598.00 and $600.00 deposit. Between a cleared and bounced check. Between a hopeful or broken spirit.

Thank God for pennies and self esteem cookies. I'm off to work, and hoping customers are generous this evening.

2006-03-11T09:34:00.000-08:00

This small town has come ALIVE today. It's quite balmy, a wonderfully temperate 60 degrees. Everyone seems to have dug out their motorcycles and are cruising throughout the town. People are out walking, shopping, investigating the winter damage to their lawns. At least it's peaceful at home...the birds have been slamming into the windows of my house this last week, competing with that ever persistent male in the glass. No babies for me this spring, the contractors ripped out the 3 nests on the porch when they sided the house last summer. It's a bit of a bummer as the kids and I enjoyed watching them grow and listening to the early morning chirping. Ah well, so it goes. Maybe they'll nest in the trees in the yard.

So. It's a beautiful day and I'm getting away from this computer to open the windows and air out the stale winter must. It's a good day to clean out the shed, too, I think. Still going to post about the hair. I need help, but it's going to have to wait a bit until I have time to post some pics. BBL.

The year of the ex's

2006-03-08T20:03:00.000-08:00

Well it looks like this may just be the year of the exboyfriends. Recently, my very first boyfriend called me. I met him at 18 and dumped him at 19. It has gotten back to me that he told some of his friends that he should never have let me go...I was good marriage material. ummm. yeah, he's pretty much a redneck. Well, sorry, his bad decision is my good fortune. He even tried the 'I'll lend you money" trick. It's a trap. The object is to make you feel so grateful that you'll give him a date. Not so. I'll be fine on my own, thank you very much. It amazes me how many men have tried this. Then shortly after, another ex boyfriend called me. One I had dated and dumped a year ago. He didn't really ask anything of me, nor did I offer. I was nearly stuck totally supporting his ass and contributing to his porn habit by allowing the use of my computer. Nope. Thanks anyway. And now, another ex-boyfriend has sent me his number in an email. It was kind of a surprise and am actually toying with the idea of calling him. It's kind of like a power kick. I may or may not. I don't really have to decide until I feel like it. He was a nice guy, was in the military, in Iraq, when we met (ONLINE, I know...most think it's a strange way to meet people, but it wasn't so bad really) and when he got home we dated for about 4 months. After we split, he went back to Iraq for another year and we emailed, mostly impersonally and infrequently. So anyway he's back and gave me his number. I wonder who else might appear this year...there is at least one I might jump off a cliff for...

Tomorrow's post, if I have time between working two jobs, is going to be about hair. I wish I had some more readers as I could really use some advice. I'm thinking about a new do for the new job and new start. I need a change!

Peace and sweet dreams.

Long, but good, day...

2006-03-04T20:47:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I'm totally whipped and I'm going to try to keep it short. It has been a very, very, long day, but definitely a good one. I was up at 5:30 to make sure Derek made it to his Cub Scout Derby car race. His car needed a little 'help' too, he painted it, then Dalton painted it at their dad's (without permission) so we had painted it one more time. I got up early and painted some flames on it. Derek was pleased, I told him it's going to burn up the track...or so we hoped. After the first round at the race, Derek came to me and said "I got eliminated", shrugged his shoulders and smiled. I scooped him up (he's quite a skinny 8 year old) and said, "Well, you are my favorite winning speed racer anyway!" Dalton was a trying 4 year-old though. Almost spastically rambunctious. Nearly took out the row of cones and checkered flags, and harrasssed this little girl with his make believe hermit crab claws, before he was given his 'time-out'. We then made the hour and half long drive home to have left over crab legs (If it's aquatic, my sons will eat it. No kidding. yup, frogs legs, octopus, shellfish...) and tomato soup (weird, but their request...oh and broccoli. hmmm.) Then I whisked them off to Nanny and Poppy's house while I worked.
Fun night at work. Everyone was wound up. Then we got slammed. It was like a summer night, I had to put my slow winter mindset away and haul ass tonight. One of those, walk out of the tea room, then run like hell to the bar, then to the kitchen, to a table, to another table, to the kitchen...and so forth. Ugh. Sometimes I rate the night by the money I should make. Tonight was a $200.00 night for $93.00. It can also be a $30.00 night for $100.00 (like last week) . Anyway, I'm tired and everything is sore, but it's a good tired, sore feeling. During work, Lisa asked me...do you have your kids this weekend? Then my boss Geoff...do you have your kids this weekend? Which basically means, are you able to go out and tear it up? Well. Not this weekend. Then toothpickflicking girl (who got her name the same night I got mine...after many glasses of wine...tpfg and minmonster combatting the ever evil and oppressing fun nazis of the world) informs me that I'm missing caddy (catty? pffffffftttttttt) bitch night at the Gaslight and says that it IS the second one I missed. Shit. I will have a lot of caddy bitching to catch up on then, the next free saturday I have.
And, last item of the day, kids were up at 10:30 when I picked them up, watching some Komodo Dragon movie with Poppy. We piled into the car and headed home. It was a beautifully clear night and on clear nights, for some reason, Orion always catches my eye. I think it's because when I was kid, I couldn't see him for anything, it took forever for me to SEE it. So, as we were driving home, I tried to show Derek Orion... I am not sure he understood, but did recognize the three stars that make his belt. It was cool. I can't wait until summer when we can lie in the grass and watch the stars together.
That was my day, and I'm going to bed. I'm sure this is the most disjointed, poorly written blog ever...but..feel free to ask me if I care and take a crack at the answer. Sweet dreams all.

Bluenewt

Wallowing in my rut. Still.

2006-03-01T12:30:00.000-08:00

I find myself cowering in my cave these days. Motivation is so buried within me that I can't seem to get to any small piece of it. I told the psychiatrist that I wasn't depressed. Maybe I am? I have this list of 'stuff' that I want to get started, completed, etc. And I have difficulty getting up in the morning let alone becoming productive. I'm tired all day long. The only thing that keeps me moving is the kids. On Friday I begin my new job. I'm hoping that it's the change I really, really need to get my fire stirred again. I'm supposed to be pushing forward, getting a new start. Instead I find my energy consumed by the fight against demons. Constant arguments with my ex. Writing a journal of every encounter so that when I spend another day in court I can recount every wasted breath on something that has been made into a mountain from a molehill. Of crap. Pure crap. (Whisper to self...I'm not married anymore, I'm not married anymore).

A little history. I met my ex at 19, he was 35 and married. He was prince charming, and I the queen until we moved in together. After, little things...then big things. I was screamed at for mowing down some blueberry bushes in the yard, called an asshole for leaving the recycling bins in the trunk of the car, later...yelled at for taking a nap during my pregnancy when there were weeds in the garden, lectured about gaining too much weight while I was pregnant, I breastfeed too often, too late at night. I screwed up the grocery shopping, when I was allowed the priviledge. One week, I was rebellious and bought myself some herbal tea and a few other small luxury items. That prick bagged them up (all $45.00 worth) and took them back to the store to get his money back. Yeah. In his ferrari. And I can't have herbal tea. I didn't have access to our checking account, got a job tutoring, made $90.00 for two weeks, and he wanted me to pay him child care. For his own son. Then...at the end, I was alienated from nearly all of my friends, he hated my family, got a calling card with a pin so that I couldnt' use the phone, hid all the keys (6 sports cars and his daily driver) except the one to my 93 mazda, oops, OUR mazda, and disconnected my internet. I couldn't even call or email my mom. And he...had plenty of resources to create a personals account, write and meet women. Under my nose. The fights. OMG, there were some horrible nights. Mostly me begging to be forgiven and his reply that I disgust him. That jerk threatened neighbors with guns (yes, one woman was hiking on his property), talked about having his other ex-wife killed, told my son he would spank him til he bleeds, throw things, ignore me for hours..tell me I was fat, ugly, stupid...and I left him. Because if I didn't, I saw myself in the kitchen with my wrists slit and thought, what a relief. I knew it was time to pack up and go. The thing was, I loved him. I worshipped him. So what might be lightly taken from any other hit with a sting that scarred, forever really. I left him, took nothing except what I could pack in the car and the boys and I left our big beautiful dream house, better known as my prison. Lots of mistakes thoughout the custody disputes, divorce issues left me with this unresolved custody issue I have now. The biggest issue...money. I left everything behind. After all, you learn a lot by the time you get to your fourth divorce. He's a divorce expert. And me, well, I was too stupid to think I would ever be divorced.

And so, it's history, it's the same sad, old, old tale I have been telling forever. But it hangs over me and my sons. I still get the phone calls, that I'm pathetic and still disgust him. I get accused of things that have no basis in fact. And now, my kids get to play house with the newest paramour, and apparently my son has seen her sleep naked. I nearly vomited in my mouth when I heard that one. And this is why I'm stuck in my grounghog day. I can't get passed the past until after April 21st. I need this to come, to amend two years of hell and imperfect decisions. If you are reading my blog, I'm sorry to be writing about my woes again...but it's Mindy's groundhog day, and I'm living it my cave. I shouldnt' even be writing this publicly. Last time I heard from one of the ex-girlfriends, my ex was keeping track of my msn profile that I had up. He told her he wished I would be killed. 15 years ago, if you asked me what my life what be like, I would have responded with something like a fairy tale. Who knew I would find a living nightmare. Who knew I would spend so much time crying over a mother's dream gone bad. Who knew that with all the ground I have covered, I would still be sitting here, terrified that I can't fully escape the claws of a 48 year old obsessed control freak.

I'm going to bed, and hopefully will wake in a new day with new resolve. I gotta get past this.

Dinner plans

2006-02-28T09:41:00.000-08:00

I'm taking the kids out to dinner tonight, and I'm trying to figure out what we should do. The options: McDonald's and a run through playland, Buck and Linda's Whitesville House where they have the best fresh cut french fries ever, the corner mart where they have Derek's favorite wings, or maybe we could just drive around and find somewhere new. What my heart yearns for, though, is a picnic. Sitting with the kids in the park, sitting on the scratchy, tickling grass...feeling the warm sun and swishing away the bothersome flies. I would pack liverwurst sandwiches, fruit, cheese and crackers. The kids would alternate between eating and playing. We could wrestle in the field. We would play all afternoon, then pack it up and drive with the windows down and the music cranked up, just how the kids now prefer it. But, the grass is still quite brown, from what I can see under the blanket of snow and today we're dining in. I think it's time to get a project going, as I have been threatening to do for quite some time now...

Counting My Blessings...

2006-02-23T21:10:00.000-08:00

I work with a woman at the Steakhouse who has a son in the 101st airborne division stationed near Baghdad. Today I walked into work, and one of the guys said that "Karry's son is ok". And I thought, oh, that's good. Not thinking a lot about it, really. Karry talks about her son incessantly, he truly is the light of her life. She even keeps his picture in her book that she takes orders in. I didn't realize what Karry went through that day. She walked in, and Mike said "Karry, your son is ok. Your mom called." And I looked at Karry, her pretty face was almost twisted, I mean, she looked like she had aged fifty years overnight. I didn't realize what was going on, and Karry just kept saying what? what? and looked like she might fall over. I went over to her, and she sobbed for at least 10 minutes on my shoulder. Apparently, that morning, she saw a news flash that 4 men from the 101st airborne division were killed near Baghdad. I can't imagine what she went through that day. In my mind, being very distant from that kind of reality, I would expect that she would have been notified before it was reported in the news. But when it's your baby you are worried about, there is no rational thinking involved. All night she struggled with the stress she dealt with that day. Finally, I asked Geoff is she could just go home, I took her last table and the other waitress and I picked up the extra side work and she left. As she went out the door, she said "Thank you for understanding." It was sweet of her to say, but how could I not understand, at least a little? I have two sons, and I know that if I were in her shoes, my reaction would not be all that different.

And so, my point. I guess with all the bullshit I deal with, I'm still pretty fortunate. I didn't have to wonder if my sons were dead or alive today. God bless the our armed forces and their families.

Bluenewt

Fried Brains, Nuts On The Side

2006-02-21T11:26:00.000-08:00

I had my psychological testing yesturday. It was WAY more involved than I imagined. To be honest, it sucked. The first 40 minutes or so we talked, which I expected. But what I didn't expect was the rehashing of every bad memory I have ever had. My resolve for calm, cool and collected flew out the window. I found myself evaluating every word, every experience, I had and wondering, does this make me abnormal? And the why questions, well, I am not sure why, maybe I was young? stupid? idealistic? naive? Shortly after I began, I 'locked' up. Call it performance anxiety, stress, worry, whatever, but after that I just couldn't focus. I feel like it's Mindy's groundhog day, cycling all through a very, very bad marriage over and over again. The psychologist asked me if I was depressed. "I'm not depressed! I've been divorced for two years, and still going through this battle that should have ended shortly after. I just want to move on and live my life!" Who knew I was going to get the vocab, math and history quiz. The Rorshach, MMPI (500+ questions), oh yeah, and draw pictures...I left there feeling like I had been picked apart, fried and served with nuts. I was so tense, (I mean this is a recommendation for custody, my sons future!), that I could not think of the capital of Italy. DUH! It was all there...but the retrieval mechanism was behind the 'out of order' sign.

So what do I do? Post it on a blog. For the whole world to see. I'm sure I'm not the only one experiencing this situation, there has to be others out there with some empathy.

Three questions: "What would be your most important wish?" "That my kids find the best possible situation in which to develop, be secure and happy". "What are the best and worse things that have happened to you?" "My children are the best thing that has happened to me, the worst is my divorce and the break up of my family. I wanted my family." "What is the one value, or moral you feel is most important to instill in your children?" " Honesty, to be honest with themselves, honest about themselves, and honest with others."

*Sigh*
Bluenewt

People that cannot do, teach.

2006-02-20T07:56:00.000-08:00

I used to hear this from my ex (and others) frequently. It nearly kept me out of the profession. To be honest, in every profession there are those rotten apples, and to onlookers, that is all they see. Teaching is hard, hard work. My student-teaching experience, to be positive first, was amazing in that I learned so much from my interaction with the students. I learned about them and about myself. Student-teaching as my final stretch of a very long college career was hell. What prompted me to select this topic to write about on my blog was a brief conversation in the restaurant Friday night. There is a retired couple that comes to dine frequently, and this particular night they brought their daughter with them. I remembered that she and I had a discussion previously, many months ago. She is a successful attorney who opted for a career change, yes teaching, and is now in her final semester as a student-teacher of junior high students. So after a bit of chit chat, and her parents catching her up-to-date with my recently gained certification and employment, I asked her, "So how is your student-teaching going?" Her first reponse was a raise of the eyebrows, then widening of the eyes....Then she said "Good, but tough. I love the kids but I really needed this drink tonight!" Then we discussed a bit more about teaching, and before leaving I wished her luck and she said "11 more weeks...not that I'm counting...".

So this brought me back to my student-teaching memories, and combined with my second guessing myself with taking a non-teaching job, it has caused me mild stress this week. Prior to the last semester of the the education program, you get lectures. They don't tell you you can't go out with your friends for drinks, but strongly advise you against it. If you smoke, they strongly advise you to give it up. There were many, many chunks of lectures in class devoted to the sermon on smoking. We were told that you must get an A in the student-teaching experience or you won't get a job. And in my case, I was told by my advisor, give up your time with your kids in order to focus on your career. They even make you sign a waiver if you work during student-teaching. Then there was the work. 3-5 page lesson plans for every lesson you teach, which amounted to (at least) 5 lessons a day. All had to be typed into Livetext (an online lesson planning program) which could be down at any given time and for weeks at a time. We also had to complete an online and hard copy portfolio. In addition, the education department centered their teaching philosophy around Piaget's constructivist theory, so on top of everything else, we were 'advised' to create our own tools for teaching. Then there was the implementation of the lesson plan, coordinating a positive classroom environment, maintaining student attention, and praying to God that you have met your objectives and standards for that particular lesson plan. Not to mention the pages and pages of lesson by lesson required reflections throughout the semester. Meanwhile, student-teachers are planning all these relevant to experience constructivist lesson plans and then comes PSSA testing mid-way through the second assignment. We toss away constuctivism for skill and drill traditional teaching. Students parents are complaining at conferences that their kids are grumpy at home. Some students, even those very academically inclined, cry in frustration over the tesing process. There is nothing harder than than trying to teach curriculum when you know this tired little third grader is just burned out. The result in my personal experience, I had to quit my job, come home at 4 o'clock everynight to type until at least 10 p.m. THEN make stuff for the following days lessons. There were even several nights that I never went to sleep...and let me tell you, teaching a class of elementary students on no sleep is rough, very rough. Alas, in May I reached my graduation day, completely broke, buried under a mountain of debt, my gas shut off for non-payment that same last day of student-teaching, and a B+ for my blood, sweat, and many tears. For all this, I will tell you that when I get there, I will be a damn good teacher. For all the A's I received in the Business program, none were so hard earned as that B+.

Don't get me wrong, I still love the profession. I never fully realized the influence you have on students until the end of my second assignment. I knew that I was a role-model. I knew that students respected and admired me. But one student in particular taught me the depth of that relationship. She was in third grade, very sweet, very smart. I had mistakenly made assumptions, that she must have been from a good family, had few of the personal issues so many students walk into the classroom with. She was one of 26 kids I interacted with everyday, a good student, little or no discipline problems, a little shy at times. I found out later she was one of 8 siblings in foster care. I discovered this when the students were doing "All about Me" books, complete with their birth and family history and experiences through to the third grade. Julie (not her real name) became upset and frustrated because she couldn't get her mom to give her the information for the assignment. This was at the end of my time with her class. My last day, she wrote me a story that I keep with my portfolio. She wrote:

"Student teacher"

My student-teacher just appeared in my classroom one day. She was as beutiful and nice as a wonderful butterfly. I was confused she never appeared out of thin air before. I wondered How long she was going to stay. Tomorrow she's leaving it's so sad. good bye Ms.-

Later, I heard from other teachers that Julie* was crying as she walked out to her bus. I wish I had a wand that I could magically impart to her a belief in herself and the knowledge that many others believe in her...a wish I have for all children. Parting with the entire class, as well as my cooperating teacher, was hard. I too, had become attached to the students.

Teaching is a profession of love. It demands much from a person, emotionally, intellectually, financially (yes, you spend a lot of your own money to get students tools that the district won't/can't provide), and professionally. Teachers are overworked, underpaid and frequently underappreciated.

If you happen to believe that those that cannot do teach, remember that somewhere along the way it was that person that taught, and believed in, you.

Sunday

2006-02-19T09:13:00.000-08:00

I'm supposed to be getting a shower and ready to meet my mom for a pampered chef party this very moment, but I really don't feel like going. It's not that I don't want to go exactly, it's that I love my Sundays. The restaurant is closed and I'm free all day! I have so many other things I can do, like getting out my grunge clothes and stripping the family room for painting (NO I still have not started that YET!) or better yet, fixing my dryer vent that has been waiting for some time now. But I know that my mom and I will have fun, we always do.

My sons left with their father for the day, it's his birthday, a whopping 48. Dalton hid behind my leg and cried for a bit. I hate that. We got his dad a gift and made some brownies instead of cupcakes. I do this only for the pleasure it gives the boys to have a gift to give. I had a thought yesturday, I just can't help it. The kids got some movies for their dad, kid's movies. Their dad's flavor of the month is spending the weekend with them and I was tempted to get her a movie as well..."Sleeping with the Enemy". BUT, I didn't, although I did give myself a laugh. Poor girl will find out soon enough. The last one stated she wished I would have told her about him before she lost a whole lot of money.

I have a semi-busy week coming up. So many things to do. I just can't wait for summer. I'm ready to open up the windows, mow the lawn, take the kids to the lake...I miss fishin' and swimmin' and soakin' up the sun. We're warming up today...started out at 9 degrees now it's a sunny 22. Got a long way to go....

Ok. I'm off to find out how much more wonderful my life will be if I buy expensive cookware. Which I won't. My Walmart pans and dollar store untensils work just fine. :)

Not Beaten, But Definitely Beat!

2006-02-18T12:36:00.000-08:00

I'm whipped. The kind of whipped where every limb is painfully tired and sluggish, where simply accomplishing a task at all is a miracle. It has taken me all day to get up and ready to go out with the kids. I tried to talk them into a nap to no avail. I did call off from work. I was feeling very guilty about getting little time with them this weekend, and even though tonight will be a 'big night' (money making) I dont' regret it. I am not sure I could have handled the 5 hour goose chase if I wanted to tonight. I don't know why I'm so out of it today, I guess it could have been the 4 hours of sleep Thursday night, and then the 17 hours of hauling ass all day Friday.

I wonder too, how I will fair in the next coming weeks. I start my new job, I was offered a position as a TSS, but with another organization that happens to pay quite a bit more and I will begin earlier. I'm keeping my part-time waitressing job, at least for as long as I can. I'll find out, I guess.

Kids and I are leaving. I'm going to pick up some ingredients for cupcakes for their dad's birthday and possibly a present. Ummm. yup. Kill 'im with kindness. Better go before my evil thoughts overcome rational thinking...Happy Saturday.

Love is...

2006-02-17T20:24:00.000-08:00

I picked up my oldest son Derek from school today. He and the rest of his second grade class made these posters where the beginning of the sentence was written for them (Love is...) and the rest was completed by them. I had seen these on the wall a couple of days ago, but didn't have a chance to read them. Today I did, and it warmed my heart. How many times do we second guess ourselves as parents? Did we do the right thing, say the right thing? Did I hug them enough? Do I spend enough time with them today? And in my situation at the moment, I get limited time with my sons, Daddy has everything, Mommy doesn't have much. But Derek's first sentence was:

Love is...coming home and hugging my mom.

It was the best Valentine's Day gift I could ask for.